SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All of her friends and family know of her affair. Our children also know.

It was an affair with a coworker. The AP's wife made him quit. He is gone. She now has no reason to quit. She has a good job that she enjoys and makes a nice living. I want her to keep the job to decrease the amount of alimony I have to pay her.

I dont really understand all this affair stuff yet.

Apparently some WS think they are in a fog that pops at some time and allows them to see clearly. Some other people think that is a bunch of bullshit. They think their true feelings are revealed in the affair. I have no idea which is true.

I have no idea if she is telling me the truth that she was in the fog and regrets the entire affair. I have no idea if I am plan B.

I will probably buy my own house in the neighborhood so I can be close to my youngest kid and he can be close to his friends. I will decide on divorce at some time in the near future.

firenze

I agree with everything you said if there is nothing real about the fog. If the fog is real your conclusions may be wrong. I dont know how to differentiate between the truth and the fog.

The fog is the smoke and mirrors. The affair could have been with anyone marginally acceptable. The cheater creates this romantic love story, but it’s just hits of ego boosting and excitement that the cheater justifies by telling themselves they are in love. They are in love with the idea someone wants them, because for whatever reason they think they’re not wanted, good enough, lovable.

File for D now, it takes a long time and you can stop it before it's final if by any chance your WW comes around and shows true remorse and begs you for a 2nd chance, commits to NC FOREVER with OM, sends an NC FOREVER letter approved by you (no sweet goodbyes) if any of her friends knew about/enabled the A they need to go as well, offers FULL on demand access to her phone and ALL her electronic devices and passwords, gets tested for STDs (you should too), offers to write a timeline of the A with all the details you need, offers to take a polygraph to back up her answers and to see if this was her only A since you've been together, apologizes to the entire family and agrees to sign a post-nup giving up alimony and taking less from marital assets then and only then should you JUST CONSIDER stopping the D and offer her the gift of R, or NOT!!!, either you get out of infidelity.

NotToday, these are steps you should absolutely take. File for D. The process takes months or longer depending on where you live. If your wife truly loves you and is truly remorseful, she will continue to fight for you and do everything in her power to win you back. This means going NC forever with her AP and anyone who was aware of her A but didn't tell you about it. It means reporting herself and her AP to her employers and then quitting if she is not fired. It means giving you a full timeline of the affair from start to finish and answering all questions with complete honesty as often as you feel the need to ask. It means getting herself and you tested for STDs. It means her taking a polygraph to confirm that this was in fact her only affair. It means that if you want, your wife must tell your children about her affair and get them DNA tested to confirm that they are in fact your children. It means getting herself into IC to figure out what the hell is so wrong inside her that would enable her to do something like that and say such horrible things to you. It means reading books about affairs, digesting their contents, and sharing with you what she has learned about how fucked up she is and how badly she fucked up. It means that she views her affair, her AP, and herself during the affair and following DDay as disgusting and beneath contempt. There is no room for positive feelings or even ambivalence there. It means she forfeits all privacy and secrecy and hands over her devices and passwords to you to look through as often as you want. It means giving 110% of her effort to fixing herself, helping you heal, and being the best wife she could possibly be.

If, and only if, she is happily and eagerly doing all of these things in an attempt to show you that you mean more to her than anything else, including her own dignity, then you might want to consider R. But if you get anything less than that, forget it. Proceed with D.

"The fog" is bullshit imho. A fiction created by WS who is dumped by his/her AP, and in the process of being dumped by his/her BS, and thus realizes he/she is soon to have nobody. "I was in the fog" means, "Please don't believe the truth I told you before about how I loved the AP; instead believe the desperate fiction I am now telling you to avoid being alone."

Here is the reality. She was in love. Is it possible that she was in love with a fiction, or a false construct? Sure. That happens all the time, regardless of whether a person is in an affair. People often to fall in love with an idealized version of the person they are with. That doesn't diminish the fact that she was in love. If he had left his spouse and asked your WW to marry him, she would have done so and would be gone from your life now.

To now attribute that to a "fog" is complete crap. It's a crutch for a WW who doesn't want to handle the reality of the decisions she made to leave you emotionally.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:07 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

I agree with everything you said if there is nothing real about the fog. If the fog is real your conclusions may be wrong. I dont know how to differentiate between the truth and the fog.

Have you ever had an experience that suddenly made you abandon every semblance of morality? That made you break every promise you ever made to someone? That made you treat those have given you their trust and their love like they're lower than dirt?

I'm younger than many of the posters here, but in the years I've been on this Earth I have never had such an experience and I can't imagine ever having one. That is why I think the fog is bullshit. People don't magically lose the ability to consider the implications and consequences of their actions. They're just selfish assholes who care about what they want in the moment and are happy to betray and discard anyone who gets in the way of their gratification.

There's no such thing as "the fog" lifting and showing the WS that their A was a bunch of fakery and their true feelings were for their BS all along. It's them coming to terms with the fact that they're a weak, shortsighted, selfish person who emotionally murdered their BS. In a truly remorseful WS, remorse is basically the repudiation of the person they always were and the effort to right wrongs and become a person worth being.

Edit: Please note I am not suggesting your WW is truly remorseful. That is something she will have to prove to you if you feel like giving her the chance, and it will take a long, long time.

[This message edited by firenze at 8:57 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

I don't believe in fog either. Affairs are fantasy based. It's a perfect world until the truth comes out.

Right now your wayward wife is in self preservation mode.

Cheaters lie a lot. Look back at the last year with her. You only found out because the other betrayed spouse told you.

She's now backing up because of regret that the truth is out and there are consequences coming. That's not remourse you're seeing.

If she hadn't been discovered they'd still be going at it. Who knows they may be still.

It's good you're thinking. Many just want them back without a thought of who and what they are getting back. Then the buyers remourse sets in.

IMHO, the fog is much like the love I felt for nearly every boy I crushed on or dated prior to marriage. Did I say I loved them? Yes. Did I tell my friends they were awesome kissers or amazing in bed? Yes. Did I believe it when I said it? Yes. Did I think that once some time passed? No - absolutely not. For each one, I remember my inner voice saying “What the HELL was I thinking????”

Even the sex - I always found sex in the beginning of a new relationship exciting - thrilling even - not because of the mechanics or the attributes of the partner. It’s the rush - the anticipation - the hormones. These things wane after being with a partner for so long - especially if the spouses take each other for granted which is common I think. These boyfriends of mine didn’t last long if there wasn’t anything substantial to keep the relationship going beyond the initial attraction and infatuation.

I also agree there are WS’s who lie in order to keep the marriage going. Few wayward want the marriage to end - or they’d have filed for divorce before auditioning potential future mates. I know they exist - I just don’t believe every WS truly wants the AP if it means losing the spouse. Most want both.

IMO the only thing true about the WS and their affair is their selfishness.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:10 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

The last sixty days have been terrible but since I asked such direct questions about how much she loved him and their sex life I moved to the divorce decision very quickly. We havent talked much in the last sixish weeks until several days ago she sent me an email explaining to me she has been in an affair fog since the affair began and believes all of her thoughts and feelings towards her AP are distorted by this fog.

She says she now looks at her affair as the worst thing she has ever done in her life. She says she sees her AP as a liar who was probably just using her for sex. She said she went along for it because it made her feel excited and intoxicated but these feelings were not deep love. She then told me she deeply loves me and does not want me to divorce her. She asked me not to move out of the house or if I do move out of the house not to file for divorce.

You have a cake eater on your hands.

Many use the fog as an excuse "that's not really who they are, my spouse just wouldn't do this". She did and that is part of who she is.

She's a grown adult and she knew exactly what she was doing. It was a conscious decision she made and executed. It took planning and effort to carry on an affair for a year. It just didn't happen.

Thanks everyone for the great advice.

I noticed most of the respondents addressing the fog were BSs. I think only pinkpggy was a WS.

I would like some input from WSs on the fog.

Specifically, I want to know if she could possibly have loved another man more than me because of the fog then changed her mind after the fog left or popped. Also, could she possibly have had a better sex life with another man because of the fog then changed her mind after the fog left or popped. I want to know how to analyze this possibility.

The difference in an affair is there is never anything real. It is all hurried, naughty stolen moments. No what do you want to do, I don’t know what do you want to do. The wow factor is just there in an affair. The minute it’s not secret anymore 99% of these relationships fail quickly.

The more pertinent question you should be asking yourself is what do you want/need?

Can you live with this long term?

It will dissipate but never fully go away.

For some it's a deal breaker others it's not.

Would you marry her now? That's essentially what R is.

Twiggy

My wife kind of told me the same thing. I think she is reading a lot about affairs and using the vernacular to explain everything to me. I dont know if she actually means anything she says.

She told me her love for him could never have been deep love because they only spent a few hours a week together and most of it was having sex. Their schedules were so constrained by work, marriage and kids they did not have a real relationship. She said she sees this now.

She said seeing things different was like a bubble popping. I dont know what to believe.

Even if there is some kind of affair fog that possessed her she still have sex with another man for one year and lied to my face many times.

Marz

Would I marry her now. No. She just had sex with another man for one year and lied to my face.

I dont even know if I love her anymore.

The pain was a nightmare the first thirty days but it decreased as I became more comfortable with moving out of the house.

The. Fog. Is. Bullshit. If you think she'd truly have left if this shitbird OM was willing to leave his BW for your WW, well that just means she's now trying desperately to revert back to her backup plan now that the "love of her life" has vanished from her future plans.

Not trying to be harsh and this isn't directed at you, but instead at the notion that ANYTHING can just be casually blamed on a "fog".

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 10:04 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

There is a website that can help you understand limerence (another name for the fog). Limerance is a type of love that intensifies with the drama of sneaking around. The whole forbidden aspect makes the relationship seem very intense. This situation stimulates the brain to release certain chemicals that are similar to the chemicals that drug addicts experience. It is different, very intense, and from what I learned on the website, when this type of love dies, those involved can't believe what they've done. You can go to youtube.com and look up Marriage Helper (Dr Joe Beam) and he has a segment on limerence. It may explain a lot. It surely helped me understand.

NotToday

I am a WS and I’ll give you my view on what I think the fog is.

As someone else said, the fog is a rush of emotions. It’s exactly the same when you first meet/date/have sex with someone new. Someone you’re really excited about. It’s been said that it’s akin to a drug addiction and I agree with this comparison. When I was with my AP, I felt alive, attractive, virile etc. I hadn’t felt like that in years and it felt great.

But there was always an undercurrent of scumminess. I had some guilt for what I was doing but obviously not enough to stop. I was a cake eater extraordinaire.

I do not think the fog is some valid reason to cheat. There isn’t one. But I do think it screws up ones reality on how they really feel. Are you plan B? Maybe. Would your wife have left you if her AP had left his wife? Possibly. I do agree that you should file for D. If you are open to R at some point, great. But your wife MUST work her ass off to PROVE TO YOU THROUGH HER ACTIONS that she is worthy of that. She has to make it crystal clear that you are her plan A. She may be promising you the world right now but she has to show you that you are.

How long does it usually take for a WS to get over her AP if they loved them and had great sex?

Will she keep thinking about him, lusting after him, ect for months or years to come ?

In no way does the fog/limerance excuse the affair. My WH should never have put himself in a position to develop this infatuation. It doesn’t excuse their choices but it does explain how they came to be thinking they were “in lurrrve”. It doesn’t deprive you of your right to declare it a dealbreaker or to be incredibly angry about her betrayal.

I was in a similar situation to yours, as my husbands AP left him. When we reconciled, I was like you, not really sure that he was over her. For about a year that uncertainty continued, but we are now together 2.5 years and, yes, she is a thing of the past. It takes a lot of faith to get past the wondering, but your wife may be sincere. I hesitate to persuade anyone to do anything, though, that would cause more pain, but I'm just saying that in my case it worked for me to reconcile.