SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So he's a bum, and using you to finance his trysts. He gets to have his cake and eat it too.

If he had real remorse, he would abide by your wishes and move out. He would jump at the chance to prove he will change. He would have identified possible counselors for IC and shared this information with you.

It sounds like your husband is a child in a man's body. Service him with D papers and hope that you shock him into reality.

You deserve better. Don't put up with it any more, and don't give an inch.

you can do in house separation but it is difficult.

Make it so he is responsible for the baby on certain days, on those days you take yourself out for a day of pampering. On your days, find something to do that takes you both out of the house - a mommy & me class at the Y or something. Take long walks or go to the park.

If he walks into a room, leave the room. Don't cook for him, don't do his laundry, don't do any of the nice things you would have done in the past. Any communication needs to be done through your attorneys. If he texts/emails/calls - don't answer unless it is his day with the baby. When you answer ask is this regarding Baby? If he says No, hang up.

It will be difficult, doable but difficult. (hugs)

Edit : posted on wrong thread.

[This message edited by AmeliaSphinx at 4:25 PM, March 8th (Friday)]

MoonlightN,

I relate and empathize with your situation. First off, I would like to note that you posted on here only a few days after another discovery! You likely are still in shock of the new information. Be kind to yourself and see IC to process everything. It really helps!! It may be easier for your WH to leave if you break it down into smaller steps. Such as just ask for time alone to process everything. Trial a separation to gain clarity and some healing. Encourage your WH to as well, if anything it will help him be a better parent to work on his issues. Then once that sets in and you have had legal advice (without his knowledge) I would address divorce then. I wouldn’t make a final decision to divorce now as I think it creates power to get some legal advice first before he starts his own legal advice. It may help to see what you need and get a step ahead of him!!

I will give you my experience as it may help as your WH does sounds like an entitled serial cheater who hasn’t changed despite being caught before and providing you with the same tears and apologies as before.

He has cried and said that I don't deserve this, promising to do everything to be a good husband blabla. Obviously I don't believe him anymore because this has happened several times in our relationship

This is a huge red flag and I wish I found this site earlier on in my marriage. I could have wrote that myself!!

Long long story short: My WH is a serial cheater and pathological liar. Each time I found something out, I would have the same tears and apologies and empty promises. When I was pregnant with our first child, while that child was an infant, when I was breastfeeding our second child, when our first child started school, when our second child started school and right now! Yep it has never ended. No matter how hard I tried to make it work, understand him, both in IC, 2 different MCs years apart. I think it is nearly impossible for these kind of WH to change!! Unless there is serious deep therapy done perhaps. Mine certainly hasn’t put in the hard work to reconcile. I am finally seeking legal advice now. I always get stuck when he plays the victim but that card has been overplayed. They will do and say anything to keep the status quo! Such as your WH trying to date you and go to MC. It is too soon for that, if you choose to then it shouldn’t be until after you both have had space, clarity and IC to process the emotional trauma. You have choices! The first choice would be to take care of yourself, keep posting and see IC.

I will not tell you what to do as that needs to come from you. I will tell you that I struggled with the same things and still am. I wish I had a different end for all the hope and work I put into it. I also never wanted my children to grow up with divorced parents. I have been doing lots of research on how to help children cope with divorce and separation. It helps to know that most children adjust just fine. That the most damaging to children is how parents interact together in front of their kids (married or divorced).

[This message edited by Somber at 7:01 AM, March 9th (Saturday)]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Somber, I appreciate your generosity in sharing your story, so sorry that happened to you. It helped me gain some perspective so thank you. You're right, I am in shock. I guess since there have been several discoveries in the relationship this just felt like the final straw.

Today has been a hard day, I have been feeling very emotional honestly, I think the reality of what's happening hit me at once. WH arrived from work and just went into the guest room the whole evening. He told me he is making the arrangements to leave and will start packing soon. Still hasn't given me a date.

I contacted my lawyer and next week I'll be meeting with him since he wants to talk to me in person about the case, his office is in a city two hours away from where I live so I'll see how I can go while DD is in school.

I really feel the need for therapy, I am researching to see if I can find a counselor in the area soon. I'm trying to take care of myself and of course my daughter the best I can, but the emotional pain is very present.

[This message edited by MoonlightN at 7:18 PM, March 9th (Saturday)]

You are doing great MN!

Hope you get some good information from your lawyer.

Keep the pressure on WH to move out, his presence in the home must be extremely difficult for you.

Take some time and do some reading in the healing library, this may help you to understand the wide range of emotions that you are experiencing.

Ensure you are getting enough sleep, eat well and drink plenty of water, you have to maintain your health to ensure your child is looked after.

Be mindful to find yourself a therapist who has experience with dealing with infidelity. Some therapists are good, some not so much. There is some info in the healing library about screening for a good therapist.

Take care, and remember you are on the journey out of infidelity!

Because you are the main breadwinner and because he has cheated so often and been unreliable, and because your family sees through his baloney, the suggestion to see a lawyer is an excellent one.

And I truly believe you should file for divorce. To protect yourself and your assets and your child. If you're truly soulmates who are meant to be together, filing for divorce will push him off the fence. He'll either man up and go full bore into becoming the man he needs to be or he'll go into victim mode and make it ugly. Either way, you'll then know the truth of who he is and can then decide what's best for your and your child's future.

I also meant to comment on you saying you had some post partum depression. I think you probably had some depression but I'm guessing it was more likely "why is my husband, the father of my precious baby, not cherishing us and being decent" depression.

I am glad I could provide you with perspective. There has to be a last straw followed by action or nothing changes.

There is a rollercoaster of emotions during all of this. You will be okay. Hopefully he will leave soon so you can breathe and get clarity on your situation. Maybe your parents can watch your child a bit more while you go for a walk, take a bath, do something just for you. Infidelity consumes us, it’s hard at first but it helps when we take some time to care for ourselves.

I found I was not my best self with my kids at our major discovery, I redirected my anger onto them. I would get more short tempered on silly things then realize I was so mad at my WH and it had nothing to do with my kids not listening or making endless messes. IC helped me realize that and find ways to process my feelings so I could parent at my best again. For me it was talking about it, journaling, taking 3 deep breaths before I reacted (then I would note who and what I was mad about and it was never my kids). This helped. And on days I needed a rest from it all, my Mom would take my kids for a while or they would watch tv a bit more that day.

I hope you find support and a good IC, it will be the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Hang in there!

Posted same reasonse twice, sorry

[This message edited by Somber at 7:26 AM, March 10th (Sunday)]

Find a lawyer and go visit her. Find out your rights. Odds are, once you divorce, he will be forced to move out.

The fact that he hasn't worked steadily your entire marriage should tell you all you need to know. Don't let him stay and become the role model (a User) for your child.

You are going to go through a period of emotional difficulty, where you let go of the dream and accept your reality. Get all the support you can, including from SI, and take very good care of yourself and your little one. Nutrition, hydration, sleep, exercise/outdoor activities are very important.

The good news is, this guy doesn't seem like he really brought anything to the table. Your life is going to become more peaceful, more stable, and much, much lovelier without his questionable "contributions" to your household.

Hello,

An update here! Thank you for all of your responses, they have really helped me during this time. This month has been very difficult, I have been feeling very sad, but also strong and relieved in some ways.

I went to see my lawyer and he told me all I needed to know about divorce and the custody of my child, thankfully I have nothing to worry about in that sense, since the law protects me as a mother in my country for at least 5 years. I still haven't taken the formal decision to divorce, but I am realizing that it is probably the best and wisest decision for me and my daughter.

After I last posted here, WH stayed a few more days and finally left the house. He hasn't taken all of his belongings yet to this day though. In this time he has only made things worse, playing the victim card and telling me that he has been having a 'rough time' every chance he can get. He has also said that I am not suffering and that I am well off, but that he has to survive, live without his family and doesn't know how.

Since the beginning I told him that I wanted him to see our daughter on a regular basis so that she didn't feel such of an abrupt change (at least once or twice a week). He hasn't even made an effort to come see her, she even had an important activity at school two weeks ago and he didn't go. His excuse is always that he doesn't have a car or something else. The only day he did was because I reached out for him to see her, which was a mistake on my part.

I suppose deep down I still had some kind of hope that he would make an effort to change and show me he would respect my decision, but he has shown me the total opposite. His parents have reached out a couple of times, asking me what happened, apparently he had not told them, or at least not the whole story.

Today he texted me and basically told me that I kicked him out to the street without warning (I gave him almost two weeks to leave), that his relative is now telling him to move and that he will be on the street. (Of course, I don't know if this is true and anyway, he could return to his parents home if things were that bad.) He also told me that he has asked for forgiveness but that he 'can't force me to forgive him', and that he know we was wrong but that I threw him to the streets like a dog. He also mentioned that he was moving and that he was coming to pick up the rest of his belongings, that I should think about what was his to take.

This week has been very hard for me emotionally, I haven't found a therapist in my area yet. (Considering online therapy?) But I'm staying strong and trying to practice self-care as much as I can, my parents also came for a few days to help.

Thank you for all of your kindness, still in awe of the amazing community here. I hope someday I can help someone else in a similar position.

He had plenty of time to change. How many chances did he get. Did not delete the ex girlfriends number only hid it away. You are not a beast of burden for him so that he can play on secret plans that weaken the marriage. He's sad now but he thought you would keep giving another chance after some words and promises. Going on tinder instead of helping your partner who is under stress. These are the choices he made. Each one says I care more for myself than anything else. He needs to grow and learn to be grateful for what he has.

They all seem to say you neglected me while it was their neglect that caused the stress as the giving partner carried most all of the responsibilities.

I’m sorry you married a man only to find out in reality, he is a child.

He is now blaming YOU for his situation. Typical cheater behavior by the way.

He is doing NOTHING to help himself. He’s not attending counseling. He is not going to see his own child as often as he can. He is not attempting to stand on his own.

Keep watching him dig the hole he is in deeper and deeper.

I’m sorry you married a man only to find out in reality, he is a child.

The1wife is correct as usual.

So your STBWH has been cheating on you during your whole relationship, didn’t help you around the house, goes out with women instead of raising your child, has his phone paid by his Ex,, shows no interest for his daughter, and feels very sad that you don’t provide for him?

You are incredibly strong to deal with this. It will get better for you, it will take time but you’ll be ok. One day, you will meet a real man and it will be a Ha Ha! moment. And that man will be a lucky man. Think of your STBXWH as a learning experience.

My XWW was a somewhat like that (not as bad). I got through the trauma (just like you will) and I met my current wife who was my Ha Ha! moment.

Put down the hopium pipe.

Today he texted me and basically told me that I kicked him out to the street without warning (I gave him almost two weeks to leave), that his relative is now telling him to move and that he will be on the street. (Of course, I don't know if this is true and anyway, he could return to his parents home if things were that bad.) He also told me that he has asked for forgiveness but that he 'can't force me to forgive him', and that he know we was wrong but that I threw him to the streets like a dog. He also mentioned that he was moving and that he was coming to pick up the rest of his belongings, that I should think about what was his to take.

Dogs are more faithful.

Bottom line... This guy has cheated, lied, and pretty much been a bum for your entire marriage. Now, here he is with only himself to worry about and he can't even get THAT done. If he won't even take care of himself, there's just really no reason to believe he would take care of his family. He hasn't before, and he isn't now. And I'm not just talking about earning a living, he hasn't even been to visit his child, save the once when YOU arranged it.

All in all, this guy just FAILS at life.

I would ignore any texts or emails that aren't germane to parenting or separating. And in your particular situation, having had a bit of a tussle getting him out of the house, I'd carefully pack up his belongings, and put them outside the house (in a dry, secure location) to be picked up at a given time. You might even go so far as to pay for a storage facility for a short period so he can't claim you weren't being fair. Keep a detailed list with photos of what you pack if you go that route. But honestly, I wouldn't allow him to enter the home if I could help it. In some locations, you'd have the devil of a time getting him back out.