SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel very broken right now and I’m just needing some support and advice from people who have gone through similar situations.

I got married almost two years ago to my husband. In total we have been 4 years together. He proposed and soon afterwards I got pregnant. Things have been rough since our daughter was born, I think I had mild Post Partum Depression for the first year, although I didn’t realize it at the moment. We also moved cities and he lost his job several times in the first year of marriage, I have been the main breadwinner as well. I admit that in the past few months I haven’t been a caring or loving wife, I have let myself go and have felt really pressured and bearer of more than I can carry: breastfeeding and educating our daughter, a stressful job, paying the bills on time, pressure from my parents due to the fact that they don’t trust my husband, etc. We both neglected the relationship.

On top of all of this, About three months after we were married (I was pregnant), I discovered that he was flirting with a woman via social media again (this had happenned in our relationship but I forgave him). I talked to him and after much proding he also confessed he had slept with his ex during the time we were dating. This of course crushed me and took a lot of time and effort to forgive. I told him that if anything like this happened again I would file for divorce.

A few days ago though, I saw a message from another woman that was very suspicious. In spite of myself I checked his phone and he was flirting again and asking her out (these are all random women btw), by doing further research I found out he had downloaded Tinder recently and was also flirting with two other woman there. I confronted him and told him I wanted a divorce, and that I wanted him to leave the house (the house is rented, and is a benefit from my job). He is not accepting this, saying that he can’t leave us, that I can’t take him away from his daughter, that he doesn’t have anywhere to go, etc.

He has cried and said that I don't deserve this, promising to do everything to be a good husband blabla. Obviously I don't believe him anymore because this has happened several times in our relationship.

The last thing I wanted was for my daughter to grow up without both of her parents home, but I feel so disrespected and frankly tired. I know there is the option of couple’s therapy, and I have considered this, but I just don’t trust him. The worse thing is that he has asked for forgiveness, but he hasn’t told me that it won’t happen again or that he will look for help, not once. Yesterday he even said that he didn’t feel loved or appreciated and maybe that’s why he did it, that I should consider that. He’s trying to act as if nothing has happened and won’t leave. Today he told me he wants to go on a date, but I don’t think that will fix anything right now.

Sidenote: He hasn’t been able to provide for our family, and I have incurred into debt trying to hold everything together. Now he is in a better job position and supposedly going to be in a better place financially.

Any opinions about this?

Hi Moonlight,

Sorry you are here.

Only married 2 years, together 4 years and he has had multiple affairs....

In the yellow box at the top left there is the healing library. Click on it and start reading.

Contact a lawyer (or several) to get a consultation to get an idea what divorce will look like in your state. The lawyer can also advise you on the legal implications of him not leaving.

You should also expose what he has done to his family, your family and all friends. This will hopefully make him accountable for his actions.

Others will be along soon to give advice.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I know it's hard to think of your daughter growing up without both parents in the home, but it would be much worse for her to grow up watching her mother put up with a cheater.

Read up on the 180 and consult an attorney. That is your best course of action if he won't leave. Move him to another room or the couch. If the apartment is a perk of your job, maybe you can find some angle there to make him move out? Tell his family and make it clear that you expect one of them to take him in.

You have one child with him

He lied and cheated through out the marriage

Cut your losses and run

Divorce now before you end up paying him alimony. You sound tired, but incredibly strong. You are going to survive and thrive. You know your worth. You know you don't deserve this.

See an attorney. Immediately.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us. Your situation resonates with me. From everything you've said, what you seem to have on your hands is an unreliable, self entitled, user. I think that's what your family sees as well.

This is less about cheating on you, and more about someone who simply wants to do what he wants and no one should tell him no. I suspect it's why he can't stay employed. He doesn't want any expectations put on him. He feels entitled to an easy road with little effort on his part.

I say this because I went through postpartum depression and if there is anything you need when you're in it, it's the support of the father of your child. He saw your "bad mood" as a reason to feel sorry for himself, when he should have been standing on his head to take pressure off of you. Instead he looked elsewhere to feed his ego.

So the way I see it is that while it doesn't feel like it right now, you are actually in a pretty good place from a practical standpoint. You know you can provide for yourself and your child because you have been all along. He is dead weight.

If I were you, I'd file for a legal separation. Then I'd present that to the employer who is giving you this benefit of an apartment and have them evict him. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce. What it will do is force him to prove he can take care of himself. Because until he does that he certainly can't participate in taking care of you and your child. This will show you just how serious he is.

In the meantime, get some help from your doctor for postpartum depression. It can last a couple of years and the stress of this can magnify it. Take care of you. You're a smart lady and you'll survive this.

I am so sorry you need to be here. There is a lot of support here. Betrayal hurts so bad, just trying to keep yourself sane, with the pain you are enduring. First, take care of YOU and your daughter. Right now...he is not your main concern.

It is very normal for a cheater to try to make this because of you...I didn't feel wanted..needed..loved...sexy enough..you were busy...etc. That is their way to make it "ok" and make you feel guilty. Don't fall for this. It is manipulative and untrue. He did this because he is broken. You have had your hands full also and you didn't cheat.

There are many options you can do...one of the options I did was to give myself permission to not make a decision right away. If he really wants to make it work, he will move heaven and earth to help you heal...including moving out. If he refuses, and you want him to leave, talk to a lawyer. Find out your rights. IN the meantime, read the 180 and do an inhouse separation.

Expect to find more, there is more...he is admitting to what you know about...get tested for STDs, do not have unprotected sex at this point in time.

Cut your losses and RUN for the hills !!! he's a serial cheater, please save yourself from more heartbreak and infidelity, 5 years from now and a few more children later, you deserve much better.

So sorry for you.

First it is too early for marriage counseling. You both need individual support or counseling. You can get support during this time and he can face whatever issues caused him to Cheat.

Also if you Reconcile consider getting yourself a post nup. Protect your assets. Exclude them from marital assets in case of a divorce.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:17 AM, March 8th (Friday)]

I am sorry for your situation. I would suggest you seek legal advice to see what your options are. It appears you are capable of supporting a family on your own and not dependent on him at all so could support you and your daughter so there is no financial dependence.

As for your husbands actions, IMHO currently he does not seem like R material. Obviously I don't know him or not saying he couldn't be, but his current actions (in particular him saying he didn't feel appreciated and that might be the reason) is not someone that is taking responsibility.

Good luck.

I am overwhelmed with the support, resources and kind, loving words here. Thank you.

I just wanted to update that a few hours ago I told my H again that he needed to leave, and that I needed him to give me a date. I asked him to please respect my decision. I think he realized I wasn't going to be convinced, he told me he would give me a date this weekend, because the only family member he has in the city is on vacation and comes back in a few days. I will wait until the weekend and go from there. I will speak to my lawyer tomorrow to check my options. Meanwhile I have read on the 180 and am trying to do an in-house separation as many of you suggested. He is sleeping in the guest room currently.

He said is that he knows he has acted very wrong and that he understood that I was hurt, he was crying again. In regards to his actions since this last discovery, he has been trying to help a little more around the house and promising me that we will do everything I was always asking him to in the marriage: including helping more with the house maintenance: mowing the lawn, washing the car himself to save some money, etc.

Today he mentioned he would do therapy with me if I wanted. The thing is that I look at him and I don't feel love anymore, so much trust has been broken again and again, it's very difficult, I don't believe anything he says. I am definitely going to seek for therapy for myself and I think he should do to, I told him this on D day.

I wanted to say that in the past few months I had rejected him a few times (sexually), because I always feel physically tired, frankly not in the mood, and the whole situation was becoming a lot for me to bear, this was also mentioned by him on D day. He still swears he didn't physically cheat in the marriage, but also mentioned this as an 'excuse' to the flirting. he says he knows it's not justification but that I 'had to understand' him.

I forgot to mention we also had an issue with another one of his exes about a year ago, he went to have drinks with her about at 12 pm one night and talked to her about our marriage and money troubles, she apparently still has feelings for him (I saw a message from her that indicated this), I found out and told him to delete all contact. He deleted her number in front of me, but a few days ago I also found out that he had a screenshot of her number and kept it in a KeepSafe application, along with other very sketchy photos that lead me to believe he cheated more than once while we were dating. He told me he had her number because she was helping him with his monthly cellphone payment...

I also agree with one of the posters who said he doesn't seem to want to embrace his responsibilities, this was the problem with my parents since the beginning. There were many issues regarding two vehicles that were entrusted to him (he is knowledgeable about cars), and that were broken down in his hands, he never accepted any fault in this and always told me he had nothing to do with it, that the cars apparently had issues beforehand. My father had to spend almost US$20,000 in repairs (this is a looot of money in my country), and I don't think he never even asked him for forgiveness. This and many other things that they saw caused a lot of friction.

I don't think he truly knew what it meant to support a family when he proposed to me. I am thankfully able to support myself and my daughter right now, I have a good job position for my age. I have gotten out of some of the debt recently as well.

Just wanted to expand on some of the points previously mentioned. Thank you again for all of your support, even though I am anxious, I do believe I will get through this.

[This message edited by MoonlightN at 12:40 AM, March 8th (Friday)]

Hi, I think you are doing the right thing by asking him to leave and seeking the advice of an attorney.

This guy is not marriage material and is more than likely a serial cheater.

He has shown you repeatedly who he is, I am glad you are finally believing him.

You will be ok. Lean on trusted family and friends for support. Seek counseling for yourself. Please get tested for STDS as well.

Good update MN,

The lawyer will have some good advice for you.

Keep working the 180 as best you can. It will give you some emotional distance from your WH so you can think clearly.

From your update, I believe your WH does not like to be responsible for his actions. Also it seems he maybe what is called a serial cheater.

The tears he has shown you are most likely tears of regret at being caught, not tears of remorse. There is a huge difference.

As others have said, you should get a full STD panel completed. Your WH has probably had sex with numerous other people, and some of them may pass a STD onto him, and thus you.

Really put the pressure on him to move out, regardless if his family member is able to take him. He put himself in this mess, make him be responsible for it.

Take care of yourself and your child during this process, that should be your top priority.

Your H is a self centered serial cheater. What that means is that he is highly skilled in avoiding responsibility and in manipulating others all to get whatever he wants. From the cars your parents trusted him with to his inability to hold a job to the way he cheats and then talks/cries/promises his way back into the relationship, this is all part of his broken character.

Please don't listen to him as his words are empty. Don't fall for the belief that if only you had been "better" he wouldn't have cheated. Or that joint counseling could be useful. Or that he needs to stay in your housing. It is all manipulation on his part. The reality is that he primarily aims to get as much as he can for himself (which you have been providing) and only reacts at the moments when he sees that he is at risk of losing it all. Regardless of what he promises or how nice he can be in the short term, you need to be very cautious that it isn't all just about doing the minimum required to keep you in place.

While it is nice of you to allow him a few days to move out, expect him to come up with excuses that push that date back. It will likely be something like "I haven't been able to reach my relative" or "They let me know that it will be another week or two before they could take me in" or "You know, this really isn't fair to our child". As others have advised, push forward with a lawyer and look to what you can do about forcing him out given that his name isn't on the living quarters.

It sounds like you've largely begun to see what he is really like. Keep that up and prepare yourself for him to try multiple tactics to get you to give in to what he wants.

Moonlight,

I know you don't want your daughter to come from a "broken" home, but your husband has already broken it. And I'm curious.... in say 20 years or so if your daughter was going through this very same thing, what would you want her to do?

(((hugs))) to you. I know it's not easy.

Hi Moonlight,

First let me say that I am sorry that you are here.

I agree with much of the advice that others have posted. He is a serial cheater and selfish.

.Yesterday he even said that he didn’t feel loved or appreciated and maybe that’s why he did it, that I should consider that

This is a typical response to getting caught, but please understand that he chose to do this and it is NO way your fault.

Marriage counseling is not what either of you need at this point...he needs IC to deal with his issues ( and from what you wrote, they aren't just related to marriage )

Please take care of yourself and your baby.

Also, it is interesting that your parents don't trust him. I suspect they see him differently than you have.

[This message edited by whoami62 at 9:24 AM, March 8th (Friday)]

You do not have to understand any of his excuses. His decision to cheat had nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. That's all on him, and it would seem he is not willing to take responsibility for that.

Keep doing what you are doing. Why can't he go to a hotel until his relative gets back?

Thank you again for the advice and questions.

Yes, I have realized he is trying to manipulate me into letting him stay. However I am standing my ground and have told him repeatedly that it's not going to happen.

I admit I have been very naive with him up till now (I am generally want to believe the best of people). The blindfold finally came off. My parents stayed with us for a couple of weeks recently (they live in the US), and they apparently saw many things that I wasn't seeing.

He hasn't mentioned IC at all, I told him and he didn't seem to react to the suggestion.

I will do the STD panel. I know the steps I need to take, STD panel, IC for myself... but honestly as long as he's in the house I feel stuck. I get home from work and feel trapped honestly.

He doesn't have the money to stay at a hotel and I'm not going to fund it. If his relative doesn't take him in I believe he would have to return to his hometown, he would have to quit his job.

One of the things I used when my H wanted to desperately reconcile but I did not was to watch his actions.

My H was doing everything and anything to start to make amends. He took action. Counseling and tons of other things.

Your H talks a good game. He makes promises. Ignore them. Watch to see what his actions are.

MoonlightN:

You need to now play on the same level as the husband. You tell him that you would consider reconciliation if he moves out so that it gives you some space to heal. Use that carrot to get him out of the office.

Once he is out, move full steam ahead on the Divorce. That might work to get him out of the house. Inhouse separation if you go to the Divorce forum is hell.

Lets be honest, he is a serial cheater. You are better off moving on, rather than experiencing this again a couple of yrs from now. He has been cheating on you the whole time.