SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

but your lying junkie mind will do anything to keep the attachment so don't allow yourself to dwell on it too much. Define the hurts, decide to forgive, and then when you want to revisit the subject, you can just tell yourself... " I made a choice to let that go. I am still choosing that."

say it out loud if you can.

then change the channel in your head. think of something else.

I used the 23rd psalm but I'd imagine you could use any passage or text you love. the important thing is to change the channel, replace the evil thoughts.

it's the fact that through this act of adultery that I have permanently linked myself in some way with him.

(I know it's not really with "him")

This resonates. I realized a while ago that if I had dated OM before meeting BH, he would have irritated me to the point of breaking up with him in pretty short order, and he'd just be a footnote in my life. But because I cheated with him, he's taken on an iconic role, and I'll never be indifferent to what he represents.

Maia, I think my BH listens to that Henry Rollins song at the gym while he's processing his rage. Alas, when he hears it, it reminds him of me.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:49 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

I had one really nasty breakup in which I was lied to, treated poorly, gaslighted, and manipulated. It took me longer to get to indifference about it, but I forgave him a long time ago and if I ever think about that time it's more a focus on what I have learned.

It's the same for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as time passes, I obviously thing about exes less and less because there is so much intervening life. However, if something brings an ex to mind, there are a couple that remind me of life lessons, hard won through difficult experience. I don't have an emotional response at this point, but I have a sort of "aha" response -- a remembrance of the things I learned.

It's hard for anyone to imagine throwing your marriage away because you are "in love" with someone who is so inappropriate.

Did you really though? For him? Or more for yourself? For what he fed you? For the mirror image of yourself? I really know we know who are APs are. We also choose to put on blinders and ignore the stupid shit to get the feeding. Like Big Macs taste great even if they give you indigestion later. We know, we just choose to ignore how bad it is for us. We compartmentalize. He can't make sense of the senseless or much of what we did because he isn't like that or can go there. Hence, why I believe some people will never cheat. They can't even think like that on a selfish level.

Does he want you to hate the AP? I believe we can be indifferent of the AP for us. I also think we can be angry for what they do to people we love. As long as you are plenty angry at yourself and owned it, that if you hadn't of opened the door-they never would have stepped in. In any other situation if someone hurt or wronged your spouse out of the context of affair, you would be angry on behalf of your spouse.

No I didnt. I know it was about me not the AP. The statement came from my husband. Really this thread was a result of that conversation. I do understand 100 percent that it was really never about the AP and that’s why it didn’t matter that he was inappropriate. And you are right that is the hard part for a normal well adjusted person to understand.

I don’t think he cares really if I hate the AP or I am indifferent towards him. To be honest, he really has not focused on the AP that much in terms of energy. Maybe a little more at the beginning but since then I think he directs most of his anger with me. The conversation was really “explain to me again how you thought you were in love with this guy. It seems you were willing to risk everything on someone who you knew was a serial cheater. Did you not think you were just falling for whatever he learned works” it’s a valid question. I answered it. He seemed to think I was being honest (and has stated that since then) but of course doesn’t connect with what I am explaining. But during this process I realized that I didn’t feel indifferent. I had basically gotten to where any emotional part (good or bad) had basically flatlined. And I guess I thought uh oh - why? But this thread has kind of pointed out to me that I was disgusted with myself. I can see it how my husband sees it and it brought back feelings of shame, humiliation. I guess when I think about it - it triggered me? Someone else pointed that out in this thread, and I think that’s what it was - it brought back a lot of the earlier feelings of the avalanche of shame that I experienced post dday.

It was good though - my husband is still sifting through it a bit, as we have still been moving in and out if the conversation as he processes it. As for me - I felt like I was able to move away again from that shame to more productive focuses more quickly than ever. (Before it would have taken days or weeks - this time it was hours). It reminds me of watching how quickly my heart rate and breath recovers now when I run versus when I started. Both say to me I am getting stronger.

I do understand 100 percent that it was really never about the AP

This is something I have a bit of trouble with, especially in a case like yours where you've only cheated once. If this wasn't about your AP, and if he wasn't special, then why was he the one and only person you ever betrayed your husband to be with? Why nobody else?

Firenze -

I will try and explain - I am not sure I can make it make sense. Your question is a good one.

First of all - I think I had what others here would refer to a “crisis” affair. None of this is an excuse - I feel that should be stated. I am just telling you background/circumstance. The way I had been living my life for years had just come to a head. Prior to the affair, I wanted nothing more than to be an outstanding wife and mother. But I was getting all my emotional validation from that. I didn’t have an outside life or interests. Looking back, I spent more energy than I had trying to be what I thought that meant. Eventually, the kids left. My h started a business, and I was helping him while working a demanding job, still doing all the domestic duties. I was working 18 hour days 6 days a week, and about 8-10 on Sundays. I wasn’t taking care of myself- h and I were like two ships passing in the night. This went on for like 18 months. The last 6!months or so of that I felt like I was failing at everything. It had taken a toll on me and I was having these weird crying breakdowns. (I am not much of a drama person or a crier) H and I began having these same conversations over and over with no resolution. In his mind if we could get past the hump that we would be able to do whatever we wanted with our time, we would be set. I could see it too and I felt like Inwas wrong for not wanting to support his goal and wanting to slow down.

In hindsight I needed to throw up my boundaries and make him understand. He felt we were both working hard and I understand he couldn’t know how miserable I was. And I just felt like I wasn’t right to complain. I felt like this is what I needed to do and I suppressed a lot of my feelings and traded them for being busy. The kids leaving was also a big deal for me, empty nest is a difficult time.

The AP was almost 20 years older than me. I had known him for years and never felt anything for him. In fact I knew what he was. This time when I went on the business trip it felt like a vacation. I wanted to have fun (nothing happened by the way in this trip I am referring to other than it got a little flirty) I hadn’t had that much fun in a long time and when I was leaving I didn’t want for it to end. I texted him after and that’s how it mostly progressed. The fun banter was a breath of fresh air. But then it kept escalating and I didn’t stop it. I did know it was wrong and it was well past the boundaries. In hindsight I was lonely and instead of coping with it the right way I filled it up with this person. It was long distance so most of what transpires was texting until another business trip and that’s where the physical occurred.

I think it wasn’t about him because I think it was about the attention. In hindsight I really don’t think in a normal circumstance I would have been attracted to him based on age and the fact I am really normally attracted to people who are genuine and honest and he was none of those things. I was clinging to someone, anyone, and using them for attention. I liked prentending to be cooler and more vibrant than I had felt.

I don’t think most affairs happen because people are irresistible to each other. I mean sure that happens but I think it’s a falsehood that is portrayed in movies, tv, and books. Most of the time it’s simply finding a person who is willing to fill that void and be immoral in doing so with you. The pool of who will cheat with you is different than the pool of decent humans who will date you as two eligible single people. I don’t think I was irresistible to the ap either. I was younger and he liked he could land someone younger. He liked he could land anyone he could get to sleep with him is really my guess.

So as you can probably tell there was nothing special about him or the situation. It was really the result of me not coping with my life correctly for a very long time and then he cane along and instead of fixing anything Injust used him as an escape. He used me too.

How can I look at a situation like that and think “oh he must have been special to break your vows over? “. He wasnt. I just thought all my circumstances were making me unhappy and I found something to make me happy. It was screwed up because the only person who can make you happy is you. And you donthat by managing your life right. I don’t know if that helps you understand or not? It’s certainly rabbit hole kind of stuff.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:43 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

The pool of who will cheat with you is different than the pool of decent humans who will date you as two eligible single people.

Wise words IMO.

This time when I went on the business trip it felt like a vacation. I wanted to have fun (nothing happened by the way in this trip I am referring to other than it got a little flirty) I hadn’t had that much fun in a long time and when I was leaving I didn’t want for it to end. I texted him after and that’s how it mostly progressed. The fun banter was a breath of fresh air.

I was clinging to someone, anyone, and using them for attention.

Does that mean your AP was the only man who attempted to engage in flirtation and banter with you over the course of those six months when you were burned out? The reason I ask is because pretty much every woman I know who's even moderately attractive has men doing or trying to do what your AP did on a regular basis.

Firenze - I honestly don’t remember. I don’t ever take off my rings, and honestly I am a middle aged woman. At the time of the affair I was slightly over weight where I had not been taken care of myself and I didn’t often socialize. So my answer is I do actually believe he was. But at the same time I can say in the same hand if I was seekeing an affair I could find one, but I wasn’t actually seeking.

Speaking for myself, a BS, I like it. I'd be pleased if mine had contempt for the AP. It'd set up a "us" v. "him." It'd give us a common adversary. And if you know anything about team dynamics, you know that can bind the team members.

NotthemanIwas…

I get that. I do. I think some of this is coming out of the fact that we as WS are guilty of the same thing as the AP. So, for some period of time, rather than having dealt with that, I think I just put it away. I dropped the AP from my radar emotionally. I wanted to forget about him and focus on me and my husband and my marriage. SI think my mindset is just shifting and this is another area to "own".

And, I still think this is more about me than anything. Feeling disgust at what I did and who I did it with. Allowing myself to believe the lies because I was so desperate when I had a faithful loving spouse at home.