SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you had to experience such an insensitive comment from the MC.

You're still in shock. Asking the same question over and over is part of your healing process.

That's one of the many consequences of adultery.

Dump the MC. Find another that doesn’t make excuses for your husband’s infidelity. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. She’s there to help your husband look at the “whys” and ensure he doesn’t look at using any more excuses.

[This message edited by Mene at 8:22 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

I would agree with the MC in terms of there are usually several factors. Also whatever your MC does not change the action that has occurred in the past.

Regardless of what your MC has identified or not, what matters is what our WH is HAS DONE, IS DOING, AND DOES each and every day since the A and each and every day going forward.

If you feel this list is not right go find a different IC until you find an MC that you agree with. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that your WH shows you actions that:

1) Show you he understands the pain and trauma that was caused to you.

2) He shows you actions that shows you his is making changes.

3) He shows you actions that shows he is rebuilding the trust.

"I would agree with the MC in terms of there are usually several factors. "

but none of the ones listed are actual factors. they have nothing to do with personality but are situational.

You are absolutely correct that this list is superficial. My WH struggled with the same thing. He didn't really want to dig deeper than the surface stuff, which was very similar to your list. Over the last few months he's really dug in with his IC and opened up more with me regarding deeper insights. I've shared more of that in my Peter Pan post in the R forum, but I'll share a tidbit from there that I used to try to explain why I needed him to dig deeper than that surface list.

I like the weed analogy. Any gardener knows what happens when you snip a bothersome weed off at the surface without removing the root. Those roots go deeper under the surface, grow stronger and spread out until that weed is popping up in other places nearby and is bigger than ever. When you dig down and find the root, and get the whole thing out, you've eradicated the weed and it won't come back to choke out your flowers.

If you try to treat an virus by only treating the surface symptoms, you will eventually become septic and could possibly die. Your Dr. has to find out exactly what kind of virus/bacteria is making you sick, and treat it with the correct antibiotic, or it could regroup and come back stronger.

I'm sorry that your MC is giving you this poor advice. I'd try to discuss it with the MC, but if they persist in this thinking, I'd find another that is more experienced with infidelity.

recovering wayward here... if I may...

STOP ASKING?! no, now that these reasons have been established, this is when you START asking!! this is when your H needs to START working...

there are SO MANY "why's" associated with these reasons, so many underlying details to dig into... take it from someone who only did surface-searching for WAY too long... unless these reasons are examined, investigated, and REALLY understood, the behaviors won't truly be addressed...

you don't just open the door to the dark rooms of your mind and say, "yup, here's where your reasons are!"... you throw open the door, turn on the light, and say, "OK reasons, let's talk!"

if your therapist doesn't get that, find someone who does... I wish you the best of luck

Time for a new MC. You need to be able to ask anything, as many times as you need to. Anything else is rugsweeping. Good luck!

Do yourself a favor and never see the MC again.

Or maybe one more time where you explain to the MC that he/she is trivializing your hurt and you will ask whatever you please as many times as you please no matter what.

Then lose the MC stuff altogether, it's not going to help you. The goal of an MC is to "save the relationship", not get to the bottom of the truth, cut the shit or any of the things that have to happen before relationship-saving can even start.

Thank you so much for the amazing input and indicating I’m not crazy for wanting more answers.

We just had another session where I told her that I don’t feel that they have done enough work in iC and that he needs to dig deeper for more reasons on a character level.

I also told her that I don’t feel like he is doing any hard work at all.

I mentioned that since Dday2 (nearly 2 months ago) he has spoken about it TWICE. despite me bringing it up trying to open channels of communication or provide the starting point.

She just sent me a message saying-

In order to move forward.... You can't keep bringing it up

Find something positive to talk about instead (replace negative with positive)

I have two thoughts on this.

1) Some of the reasons listed are pretty much spot on, particularly

-Feeling inadequate

-Low self esteem

-Not choosing right (from wrong)

-not thinking about the consequences actions may have on others

Important to note these are HIS deficiencies, not yours.

2) I don't think it's right for the MC to say you should stop asking. You're tormented, traumatized by what he's done. You're searching for answers. You'll probably never get an explanation that truly adds up, but for an MC to suggest you should sublimate that torment is unhealthy IMO.

I agree with the others. It’s superficial and lazy and so many more whys need to be answered.

It sounds like the therapist isn’t really experienced with infidelity and is giving textbook answers to move to the next level but you can’t. If he doesn’t do the work to get to the real whys then he can’t fix himself and without fixing himself what is to stop it from happening again.

Why did he feel entitled to do this? There is a character defect that needs a lot of repair in order for him to be able to repair.

My suggestion is selfishness and a immature emotional base.

Selfishness is learned over his last lifetime and he has to learn how to become an unselfish person to be a safe partner. Emotional immaturity is generally from a trauma in his youth but could also be from learning to be selfish and always put his own wants before anyone else in all situations.

I would fire back some of the questions and insight found in this thread at the therapist and see if he/she can handle digging deeper or even better find a new one that has the experience via asking questions over the phone or in person before committing to therapy with them.

Also ask if the therapist believes infidelity is abuse. If the answer is no, move on to the next one. Infidelity is emotional abuse at its worst and causes trauma to the betrayed. Many if not most bs’s end up with ptsd that takes years to over come.

Good luck and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

She just sent me a message saying-

In order to move forward.... You can't keep bringing it up

Find something positive to talk about instead (replace negative with positive)

She's telling you to rugsweep. That's bullshit, and if that's what it takes to move forward, you're better off not moving forward ... especially in that direction. In IC the patient is the concerning factor . Not the marriage. In MC the marriage is the concern at all costs not the patients. Keep that in mind, especially how it would correlate with hours billed.

I would respond:

If there was cancer in my body, and you, as my oncologist told me to ignore it, to not cut it out of my body and halt its growth, but instead, just focus on the other parts of my body that are healthy, I would immediately fire you and get another oncologist who was up to treating the cancer appropriately so that my WHOLE body could be healthy.

There is a cancer in my marriage. That cancer resides in my husband's heart, mind and behavior. Since you are not up to the challenge of addressing that cancer, you're fired.

Selfishness, thats the why.

That was indeed our last session with that psychologist.

Also- I’m pretty done with MC until he starts making an effort to figure out his “whys”.

I’m just so frustrated that (by not talking about it) he is delaying MY healing.

I feel like he could be getting us there a WHOLE LOT quicker.

I think there is only one answer to why do people cheat:

Because they want to.

I'm glad you've decided not to see that MC again. She obviously doesn't know how to handle infidelity. If I were you, I would tell her exactly why you are firing her. She is doing a disservice to anyone else she is seeing with infidelity issues.

Hg65 ^^^^^

It's very very difficult to find a therapist that is competent. It even takes several sessions to discover their incompetence.

Some lack the experience and/or training. The licensing requirements vary from state to state.

Time for you to find another