SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think you are thinking you are still operating as a married couple. Detach. He left, he is living his own life apparently.

Don't look him up, don't search where he is, don't try to figure out if he is telling the truth or not, and don't involve your kids in the drama.

It’s weird because I had therapy and she said I always look at the future negatively. Just now posting I realize I will be ok eventually. At this point why wallow? Just get on with my life having faith that it’s all going to ok. This is an odd thought for me.

I have had teenagers.

Teenagers are very combustible given whatever is going on in their world on any given day. They can be unpredictable, we don't control their communication, and they are able to form their own opinions.

But, I have had to patch things up between them and their dad. He has had to patch things up between them and me. They are still your family and his. And, they need both of you. You need to position them as bystanders of the situation rather than part of the situation. Yes, it effects them. When they have feelings about that, you listen to them, and you try and make them feel better. You do not add to it, you do not keep feeding them information, and you do not include them in the grown up matters.

Teenagers can be deceiving, they look almost grown but their life experience is null. Let them concentrate on teenager things.

It’s been 3 weeks. Its too fresh.

I’m ready to get this done because it’s a big pain in the butt and expensive. I’m stuck in the house until October. Despite him wanting a quick divorce it’s not going to happen. There are too many issues to deal with. My guess is 10-12 months if things go well. He wanted me to just sign something or do a handshake deal and I declined.

On the kids it’s not me!! Omg they told me what it’s like with him and its not what I thought. This is why they don’t talk to him unless they have to.

Did a mod ask you to stay out of the divorce forum, or another member? It was my understanding that we are allowed to post there if we are divorcing/were divorced.

I am the member in question.

I did not ask Root to stay out of the Divorce forum, but I recommended it. It was not a criticism of Root, but of the other members in the D/S forum. The D/S forum is dominated by betrayed spouses, many of whom responded to Root's legitimate questions and posts with, in my opinion, cruel and unsolicited criticisms. These criticisms could best be described as "Fuck you, Root, you're an asshole and you got what you deserved because you cheated!" (edited to add: She was also given compassionate, effective advice by some members).

I like Root and I genuinely wish her well (I found this specific discussion because it was initiated by her). She has, in my opinion, a unacceptable penchant for painshopping and she is excessively hard on herself. These negative comments, therefore, are not helpful for her.

Simply put, I don't think the D/S forum is a safe forum for Root.

Full disclosure: A couple of other members thought that I was out of line for defending Root and for suggesting that she not beat herself up.

edited to add: I have now read this entire thread and I am glad that I recommended that she post here. Y'all are much more polite, cordial, and helpful than the D/S forum.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 9:31 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

I think you are thinking you are still operating as a married couple. Detach. He left, he is living his own life apparently.

Don't look him up, don't search where he is, don't try to figure out if he is telling the truth or not, and don't involve your kids in the drama.

I like this advice. Let me add to it a little bit.

Focus on you and making sure that you do the right thing. Encourage your kids to have as strong of a relationship with their father as possible. Do not speak negatively of him in front of them, ever. Treat your kids well and be the best mom that you can. These are all things that you can control, so control them.

As far as your ex, you cannot control him so don't even try. His actions have consequences too. If he lies... your kids will notice. If he is fake... your kids will notice.

I understand that it hurts you to have your kids hurt by their father, but you have to play the cards that you were dealt... you cannot change the cards.

Barcher said he thinks it hurts you to have the kids upset with their father.

Does it?

FTR, I'm rooting for you,root. But the last few threads you've started, it almost comes off as if you're enjoying the kids being mad at their dad, as if they've chosen sides now,and they're on your side. Someone else mentioned that in this thread,but I dont think you responded.

How much do your kid know about your affair?

Thanks for clarifying, barcher. For the record, I thought your advice on her posts in the D/S forum were very helpful and appropriate.

It sounds like your husband has resentment with the children because of your actions.

My H never once yelled or screamed at our kids because of my A. He might of been sad or been short with them but never take his anger out on them. People want to make it sounds like it’s ok for him to do this because of what you did. I don’t really agree with that because it does come to a point where he needs to direct his anger else where. The kids didn’t cheat on him you did.

Do they know about the A? He can tell them and explain why his upset. You can explain to them also. I would feel bad for them if no one has and they didn’t know why their dad is upset. Or did you guys have a matual understanding not to tell them?

Thanks for clarifying, barcher. For the record, I thought your advice on her posts in the D/S forum were very helpful and appropriate.

Thanks. I know that I was *trying* to be helpful in the D/S (I almost always try to be helpful).

Folks in this forum often talk about "wayward thinking" as a negative... I have a similar view of what I'll loosely call "betrayed thinking" which is that all people who commit infidelity are assholes. However, I understand that all of us are flawed (betrayed, wayward, or mad hatter) and we all make mistakes. We all can get better and we can all do better, especially if we try.

For this reason, I like Root... she's trying to get better, as hard as anyone.

Barcher said he thinks it hurts you to have the kids upset with their father.

Reading this makes me want to take back my comment... I was likely projecting (although I could still be correct).

I couldn’t leave my kids for this very reason. If he cheated I’d stay until they were adults. I just couldn’t do this to them.

IDK..isn't the wayward that is doing this to them. I am not saying it is the case here, yours is really complicated. If a betrayed left and divorced because their spouse shitted all over them/the marriage/and the family...then IMO it is the wayward that screwed the family over and put it in jeopardy and it is the wayward that "did this to their family, let alone their spouse" not the betrayed that decided cheating was deal breaker. I mean really, it sounds entitled if we say, we get to cheat, it isn't allowed to be a deal breaker, because no one is allowed to leave the children. Afterall, the cheater certainly wasn't thinking about the children. Who in Hell would want to stay married with someone that doesn't love and respect them in the name of children that aren't stupid and can see that. Should a betrayed be miserable because of the wayward spouse for the children their wayward spouse didn't put first to begin with? I don't think so. It is their life too. Not just the family. Plenty children grow up in divorced families. You just hope the wayward isn't allowing their children to treat the betrayed that leave like crap and blaming them for being hurt by the wayward that chose to be morally corrupt.

Just because parents are divorced, it isn't the end of the world. It will be a chance for your children to learn some coping skills because life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Sounds like they are old enough to learn some life lessons that they may very well experience as married couples themselves. Why don't you get them into IC if they are having difficulty with their father. From your description this isn't about the divorce or him leaving. It is just about his character right now. You can't change that. All you can do is be honest about your part in it all and give your children the resources to learn how to cope and navigate.

If you have never lived with someone who lives in the dark, then perhaps you should read before writing. As someone who has, I find some of your advice appalling. What you feel is helpful and appropriate may be feeding the manic. This may be posted in the WW section, but it is clearly not about infidelity.

What is said today may not be the same as what was said yesterday or next week. One only has to go to page 3 and read "My husband is leaving me" and page 6 "I want to contact the AP" to see the depths of the darkness and perhaps the real truth of her life with her children and husband.

Castigating a man who has been there thru the madness for decades, is ignorance. None of you will be there if this falls apart. Who will come to her aide? More than likely it will be her husband. The one some call a liar, a fake, a cheater, a narcisst. Someone who deserves the consequences for breaking down after decades of abuse (her words). This feeds the manic and the false victimhood. Keep going and you may push her to alienate the one person who has done more for this lost flower than any words you will ever write.

Be careful with what you write. Do not lead this lady off of a cliff. She is right there..standing on the edge.

Blessings and prayers for your family.

Exactly. The BS has been villified to no end here. So he's been broken by what was done to him. And he doesn't manage to cope when his own kids side with the person who did it to him.

That's nonideal. But why is the person who caused all of this talked to like it's not their fault?

We're speaking of a broken man, isn't that horrible? And who broke him? Not himself.

He deserves help, he deserves compassion, he deserves support, he deserves not to be abandoned to try and resurface alone. He's not asking for much.

[This message edited by thatcantbetrue at 6:46 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

He deserves help, he deserves compassion, he deserves support, he deserves not to be abandoned to try and resurface alone. He's not asking for much.

I'd argue that we ALL deserve this.

Also, a comment about the two responses above this one within the context of me asking Root to post here rather than D/S. These are clearly 2x4's and I don't know if I agree or disagree (Root is complicated, for sure). But, they are constructive comments intended to help.

The comments in D/S were simply "you're a cheater, you deserve what you get" -- those are not helpful.