SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"Ultimatum day has come and gone. Which means it wasn't really an ultimatum day. You're acting like the weak parent of a misbehaving little brat, telling him "I'm going to count to three!" And then counting "one, two, three.....four, five, six"."

this. your self respect is worth more than this marriage. also, infidelity is an ok excuse with God to end a marriage.

If not, then I have done everything God would want me to do to save him from his self-destruction.

Hi 30yearheartbreak, I now understand where you are coming from. You are an amazing Woman. I don't understand how your WH could betray you like this. I'm very sorry.

Even though you have given your WH more time, it doesn't hurt to combine a little wisdom with faith.

You should begin the process of detaching and planning your new life. If your WH does not come to his senses, you will be grieving. Having a rough plan in place will help you realize you will be Ok.

Consult with a good lawyer. Hopefully his/her services will not be needed in the future, but the knowledge gained will be helpful in understanding and navigating the divorce process.

I know this is a very delicate issue, but if you have been having sex with your WH, please get tested for STD's. Since you said he was once a very good person that has completely lost his way, then who knows the type of behavior that has gone on.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:25 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

Most of us on here are just as Christian as you are, no more, no less. But even God has provisions against adultery, abuse, and divorce. Your therapist is not a very well versed Christian judging by the guidance she's given you to do the pick me dance.

There is not one person that has advised you to stay in your husband's pattern of infidelity and abuse. Not a single person. Most of us are suckers for a reconciliation, but only if reconciliation is genuine and if the WS is a good candidate. One day your WS might become a good candidate for reconciliation, but right now he's just your average garden variety cheater. his actions are cliché and predictable to everyone but you. I hope you come to the same conclusion that we have, you deserve so much better.

So decided to face reality and see for myself WH wasn't sleeping at his mom's like he's been saying...I saw for myself last night at 3am he wasn't there and I tried calling him first thing in the morning...he wouldn't answer but sent a text....I knew then that he was cheating when he's supposed to be using this week to decide on working on our marriage or not. Guess I got my answer....he tried saying he was at a friends house but I don't believe him and he purposely didn't answer the phone. I then sent him a text to tell his girlfriend his wife say hi. That was it for me. I sent my 2 page text I had been planning to send once I decided to file for D. I feel relieved it was out, broken it had to be done, and sad I have to accept that my 30 year relationship is ending like this. I do have a small light of hope it may push him to change, but that is hiding in the way, way, down deep of my soul. This hurts like a knife to the heart. I pray I can get through this.

I am so sorry for your pain. Sending you caring thoughts.

I decided to file for D. I feel relieved it was out, broken it had to be done, and sad I have to accept that my 30 year relationship is ending like this.

I'm so sorry 30yearheartbreak. You did absolutely everything you could to save this marriage, but you can't save someone that does not want to be saved. In my opinion, you have gone above and beyond to uphold your wedding vows.

This hurts like a knife to the heart. I pray I can get through this.

From what I have read, you seem like a very strong woman of moral conviction. I have no doubt you will come through this and will be successful in navigating whatever path lies before you. Sending prayers and strength.

30, I'm sorry it came to this. Just know that you did everything right and everything you could to save your marriage. This is all on him. God has better plans for you than staying married to a cheater.

Take a deep breath and make your plans of what to do tomorrow. Today you just get to breathe.

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a disappointment. I think that's my biggest sadness, to find out my XWH wasn't the wonderful stalwart strong moral guy I thought he was. I'm sad for me but I'm oh, so sad for him because I think he wanted to be a good guy but there's just something missing in some people and he couldn't do it.

Be kind to yourself.

You have received some solid and excellent advice. You therapist is not helpful and I wouldn't pay another penny towards that therapy. You deserve nothing less than your spouse wanting you and showing you daily that you are the most important person in their life. You deserve love, validation for the pain you have endured and to be recognized as an amazing person for even considering R. I just want to send you a hug as you have been well advised. Infidelity is so painful that only those who experience it, understand the damage, pain and so much more that comes with being lied to, deceived, cheated on and hurt beyond measure. Please, keep reaching out here!

I'm glad that you are choosing to value yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You gave you WH more then enough opportunities to right his ship. He choose poorly. Now on to the next phase of your life. Sorry this chapter is ending the way it is. Please continue to choose yourself over a disrespectful cheating husband. You deserve to be in an open honest and loving relationship. You kept your vows and showed your love. Now show yourself the love that you so freely showed your WH and children. Move on with life with dignity. Show yourself and him that you would rather be alone then in a dishonest relationship.

Good for you for not allowing him to continue to cheat on you.

You can now see how he is a broken person with issues. Serious issues. He cannot even be honest and tell you his true feelings. He is a coward.

A lying cheating coward. Your life will improve when you no longer have to chase him around wondering where he is and what he is doing.

I'm sorry for your pain. Have a good long cry. Then be gentle with yourself over the next few weeks. As much as this hurts now, it will save you unbelievable amounts of pain later. There is no worse pain than hopium extended over time.

Take care of yourself. Try to be as NC as possible. If you fall off the NC horse, dont waste time beating yourself up. It will usually happen a few times. Just continue working daily on being a healthier you.

He doesnt deserve you anymore, but that sentiment doesnt offer much comfort in the beginning. It will take time, but you will get passed this.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:46 AM, May 6th (Monday)]

I’m just so sorry. I know this wasn’t the outcome you hoped for. I know you’ll be in so much pain. Just sending hugs right now.

Maybe those us in similar long term marriages cannot face a future on our own, or without our S because we are so used to our way of life with them.

I am trying to focus on the fact that there is a chance life can improve. Yes the pain, hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal will always be imprinted on our minds, but don't we deserve to come first again like we did before we let these people into our lives.

I sure want that smile back on my face, as I am sure you do, and he's not putting it there, so it's one more thing to do for yourself.

"Maybe those us in similar long term marriages cannot face a future on our own, or without our S because we are so used to our way of life with them."

this is exactly why IC is needed at this time. I would be heartbroken, but I would move on. No one gets to have me in their life if they treat me like shit.

sewardak

I am agreeing with you!

I'm so sorry. I know how we as Christians can feel obligated to keep trying to save our marriages. Honestly, if I hadn't had the backing of my church and pastor, I would have had a harder time divorcing my ex. Just know this, there are provisions in the bible for divorce in the case of adultery. God doesn't want you to be abused and used by your spouse. I also know how tempting it is to hope and pray that your spouse will change, but this is where free will comes into play. Your spouse is choosing to live a life that doesn't fall in line with your beliefs. I know it's scary to be single in this world, but if instead of praying for your spouse to be "fixed" you pray for clarity, you might see things very differently.

You are under no obligation to stay with a cheating spouse. Don’t diminish yourself spiritually by enabling his sin. Please read, “I Don’t Love You Anymore” by David Clarke, PhD. It is written from a Christian perspective.