HT - what have I missed?
You are kidding right? I had assumed you were being hyperbolic summing up the advice here on SI in a single short paragraph.
I’m not sure I am smart enough to even hazard a guess as to how many posts are currently active on this site (I wonder if MH has a script he could run that would tell us) let alone how many are archived. But Im certain that, since the sites inception the number would have to be in the high hundreds of thousands of post at least. So, hundreds of thousands of posts from upwards of 70,000 members and you want to go ahead and sum all that advice up in a single paragraph?
Like I said, you are being hyperbolic of course. So yah, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to fill you in on what you missed all on my own.
There are as many different pieces of advice on this site as there are different stories. And not all of it is gonna work for everyone. Fucking obviously. Which is why the single most consistent piece of advice I see written here is, again, take what you like and leave the rest.
I do agree that there are certain themes here on SI that are pretty well accepted as generally good rules of thumb. Those weren’t handed down from on high. They aren’t established and codified by some shadow cabal of guides and moderators. They have naturally evolved and arisen by trial and error of the tens of thousands of people who have passed through here long before you. There is hard fucking won wisdom to be gained here. Wisdom gleaned from people sharing their stories of pain and anguish as well as their victories and healing.
So, maybe, instead of trying to take the piss out of people who have no other earthly fucking motivation than to help you. You might just be thankful for the advice and help that you agree with and respectfully decline the stuff you don’t particularly care for. You might want to give that shit that you don’t care for more than just a cursory glance before you dismiss it out of hand though. Just another bit of advice from me to you that you can take if you like or disregard if you don’t. Believe me, I don’t have any real ego attachment either way.
One thing to think about though... this idea of taking responsibility for your part of the conditions leading up to infidelity? I am far enough out of this mess that I can objectively hear what you are saying with that. And, although I don’t necessarily agree with it, I can see the logic of where it is coming from. But I wonder if you have considered the following:
A BS coming to this site has often had their entire world view utterly destroyed, their self esteem is often in tatters from having the one fucking person in their life that was supposed to have their back seemingly completely and utterly reject them as a person. How well equipped do you suppose that BS is at that point to shoulder the idea that, not only did you just get treated like human fucking garbage but, “oh yeah, you also brought that shit on yourself through your own personal failings.”?
Maybe while we are at it we could go to a support group for parents who lost their children in auto accidents and advise them that they should have bought a safer car.
Or we could hang out at rape survivor support groups and suggest dressing more conservatively.
Maybe alanon meetings could benefit from learning to be better spouses and loved ones so the alcoholics in their lives would be more inspired to sober up.
See? Hyperbole again. I could give you logical and reasoned arguments for every single one of those examples. But I wouldn’t ever do any of those things because it would be fucking hurtful and mean and destructive and, most fucking importantly in my opinion at least, counter-fucking-productive to healing.
So, again, if that narrative works for you? Good on ya. Go for it. If you want to add that advice into the mix? Great, toss it in there. If it proves to be helpful then maybe in 5 years that will become the “collective wisdom” I don’t pretend to know for sure.
But I still don’t understand the snark, sarcasm and low key hostility that I feel coming from your original post. And I still don’t understand why you seem so threatened by the idea that people who have been here for literally years might have some hard won knowledge and experience that might, just maybe, trump your super great ideas. And I still don’t get why you seem so damn invested in trying to change the “common wisdom” that has helped so fucking many before you.
HT
[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 5:27 AM, May 13th (Monday)]