SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for all the replies. Even the pushy ones have been helpful.

Yeah I would say right now I'm leaning towards divorcing now, but not telling anyone about the adultery unless the WW tries to get smart. I'm going to brood on it for a week or two.

If the two of you divorce, then obviously she'll see a marriage that is falling apart.

Problem is, all of her life she has seen her mom and I as a united front.

I will admit that my WW has always treated me well. I thought we had a better than average marriage all these years. Well I think I know now why she has been so satisfied. If she has indeed been fucking men on the side all of our marriage, she did a superb job of hiding it and not showing any signs. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm not some clueless idiot either. I'm pretty good at reading people, and I will say that if this behavior has been going on all our marriage then my wife deserves a Lifetime Oscar, or she is a complete and conscience-less psychopath who just doesn't give a fuck at all about me.

I’m a fellow “stay for the kids” guy. It’s not a fun club, not a healthy club either. People around here are really down on those who stay for the kids, and they’re mostly right. But sometimes that’s just the way shit has to be. We all have our personal reasons. These people don’t know your situation, only you do. If I were to leave my WW right now, not only would my kids be devastated, but I’d also suffer a huge financial hit. I hate to think of what kind of crappy place my wife could afford for my kids to live in when she had them (which would be a lot, since I work a lot more than she does). Everybody’s life would be worse than it is now.

Weigh the options. Yes, life is short, and you deserve to be happy. But the grass may not be any greener on the other side. It’s only 3 years... if you think that’s what you have to do, then do it.

I will now prepare myself to be attacked.

Last night she wandered into the kitchen while I was making myself a sandwich and asked me for probably the twentieth time in two weeks if I was going to tell her mom and dad and family what she did.

The fact that's she's more worried about what mommy and daddy are going to think than about you leaving her is all you need to know. She's still a child, she rebels against her parents by seeking out what they hate, then shakes with fear at the idea they will discover her. She's so wrapped up in her foo that she does not appear to be focused on your marriage at all.

I'm so sorry.

Hey Westway. So sorry you find yourself here. You seem like you are well on your way with this shit sandwich and I don't have too much to add since you have a lot of the basics already taken care of.

Not sure how much you have thought about this aspect though. Chances are that your WW did leave clues. Maybe not necessarily to you, but I'm guessing her sister may have known and may have even been a cover for her in the past if there were others. More importantly, it's possible that one of your daughters could have picked up on something. Maybe not necessarily put all the pieces together, but it is possible that they either sensed something or did see something.

That's my story and how I'm on SI. I certainly sensed my mother's shenanigans and was the one to ultimately catch her and tell my father when I was 16. There were a few red flags, though subtle. She not only cheated on you, but the family unit (your kids) as well.

I have empathized with other BC on this site and wanted to bring that one to your attention since many people don't think of it. I'm not one to give advice for D or R as you're the one that has to live with it. But I will say that I'm not one for staying together for the kids sake. My father tried to do that, admirably, for a few years and that ended up in disaster.

yop

No you see it's really not that way at all. I told her if I find out she is sneaking out to see men again, her family will get copies of the dossier my P.I. put together. I'll send them out like a little flock of soiled doves to all her family and friends. I will burn her life to the ground. I will publicly humiliate her in front of everyone. She is scared out of her mind.

Smart. Let her worry about the Sword of Damocles you have placed over her.

I understand your desire to not disrupt things for youngest daughter while she finishes up the next three yrs of high school.

That said I want you to consider this. Is your daughter planning on going off to college? If so what makes you think dropping this bomb on her (that mom and dad are divorcing) is wiser to do it at that time as opposed to now?

My brother and his wife did this exact same thing (waited until she graduated high school to tell her they were divorcing) and as she was headed off to college. Away from them for the very first time and having to deal with this major life transition and everything that goes along with this and now they drop this bomb into the equation?

It was a total DISASTER. She flunked out after two horrible semesters and she is back home now and is a total mess. I've known others who did the exact same thing (waiting to graduate high school) and the exact same results.

At least telling her now you and your wife would be there to help with the heartache and the transition and she'd have a few years to get use to it before stepping out on her own for the first time.

Also your kids are NOT stupid and although you think you'd do a great job of acting (for THREE yrs) they're going to see things with their own eyes and hear things that they shouldn't have to and trust me it's going to mess them up and they'll take it into adulthood. If you don't think this is the case you're fooling yourself.

Just something to think about.

Glad you found SI.

I get staying for now. You know your child. You know what will mess her up,or not. You also don't want to share custody,pay child support, or have your child dealing with a possible endless parade of strange men,coming and going from her home.

Were any of these ON married? Their wives deserve to know the truth about their husbands.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:59 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

Westway, your wife is probably a sex addict. That is an unbelievably hard addiction to overcome. I suggest you find a support group of spouses. One of the first things they are going to tell you is not to be the marriage police. You love your wife. You wish she was not the way she is, but she is. If you stay or if you go please find a therapist to help you grieve. This is such a blow that you can’t carry this alone.

Stop with the threats. You are so new to the pain you are like a wounded animal. Don’t make threats and don’t make promises. Get some outside help. A doctor can prescribe some medication if you need help sleeping or for depression/anxiety. Please look after your health. There is enormous strain on every organ in your body. That much toxicity is very damaging. Your health should be your focus right now. You can make decisions when your are less stressed.

We haven't told anyone. I'm worried what her dad and brothers would do if they find out. I could see them tracking these guys down and putting serious hurt on them and dragging me and my WW into a big legal mess. I have a hard-earned reputation that I do not want tarnished, so I don't want her family and the whole city knowing. I also don't want to tell our daughters, because it would only be a matter of time until they let the truth slip and then boom!

After what your wife has done, I don't see how in the world you could divorce and not let your children know why. Especially with reasoning like, there is a possibility there might be negative consequences for crappy people. It's on you to protect your kids and your relationship with them as the only adult in the family, not to fall on a sword for a bunch of low lifes. In their situation I'd sure hope one of my parents loved me enough to be honest.

I’m a fellow “stay for the kids” guy. It’s not a fun club, not a healthy club either. People around here are really down on those who stay for the kids, and they’re mostly right. But sometimes that’s just the way shit has to be. We all have our personal reasons. These people don’t know your situation, only you do. If I were to leave my WW right now, not only would my kids be devastated, but I’d also suffer a huge financial hit. I hate to think of what kind of crappy place my wife could afford for my kids to live in when she had them (which would be a lot, since I work a lot more than she does). Everybody’s life would be worse than it is now.

Weigh the options. Yes, life is short, and you deserve to be happy. But the grass may not be any greener on the other side. It’s only 3 years... if you think that’s what you have to do, then do it.

I will now prepare myself to be attacked.

Well I'm not attacking you. I agree with you on most points.

Here's the deal, I know I can handle the live-in separation for the next three years. Problem is my WW won't be able to. She's scared right now and is keeping her mouth shut. But she won't stay scared for long. She's planning her getaway strategy and I know that within a few months she'll probably try to fuck me over. That's her way. When she doesn't get what she wants she goes for people's throats in a subtle conniving way. I don't trust a hair on her head.

The fact that's she's more worried about what mommy and daddy are going to think than about you leaving her is all you need to know. She's still a child, she rebels against her parents by seeking out what they hate, then shakes with fear at the idea they will discover her. She's so wrapped up in her foo that she does not appear to be focused on your marriage at all.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah that pretty much sums her up. Her whole family is about appearances. Her psycho mom is the worst of them. She badgers her husband to no end to make sure their house is perfect, the cars are perfect, her clothes are perfect. The woman has probably 100 pairs of shoes. I've never met a more selfish, entitled woman in my life. I feel sorry for my father in law in a way. He's a backwards old-school guy, but he's always been good to me in his own way and I don't like seeing him treated the way his wife treats him.

Westway:

After the initial shock subsides give yourself some time to decide if D then when. I see you are getting the full court press to D now if that is the direction you are headed. This makes some sense. No one wants to see you waste three years of your life if your mind is made up. But is it? Take some time to let this shit process. If you and your WW can be civil to one another while you are considering your options. This is not a new concept by the way. Many take some time to decide.

And none of us knows if this is your WW’s first infidelity or whether she has been at it for years, or a sex addict. This is all projection. I would never try to downplay the negative impact of a sudden D on a teen child. Do kids adjust. Sure, but every kid is different. You know your dd best. You are not wrong to consider her well being in this. It does not make you less of a man if you choose not to D this instant. Your WW’s infidelity sounds like a dealbreaker for you. Make sure you get help as best you can. I understand your reluctance to confide in others under the circumstances. But you need some support, perhaps I.C. Get good rest. Whenever you feel it best to pull the trigger on D and have her served. But do it based on what you know, not some fantasy projections. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:55 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

I understand your desire to not disrupt things for youngest daughter while she finishes up the next three yrs of high school.

That said I want you to consider this. Is your daughter planning on going off to college? If so what makes you think dropping this bomb on her (that mom and dad are divorcing) is wiser to do it at that time as opposed to now?

My brother and his wife did this exact same thing (waited until she graduated high school to tell her they were divorcing) and as she was headed off to college. Away from them for the very first time and having to deal with this major life transition and everything that goes along with this and now they drop this bomb into the equation?

It was a total DISASTER. She flunked out after two horrible semesters and she is back home now and is a total mess. I've known others who did the exact same thing (waiting to graduate high school) and the exact same results.

At least telling her now you and your wife would be there to help with the heartache and the transition and she'd have a few years to get use to it before stepping out on her own for the first time.

Also your kids are NOT stupid and although you think you'd do a great job of acting (for THREE yrs) they're going to see things with their own eyes and hear things that they shouldn't have to and trust me it's going to mess them up and they'll take it into adulthood. If you don't think this is the case you're fooling yourself.

Just something to think about.

Glad you found SI.

Who have some very persuasive points. I'm definitely going to consider this. Thank you.

But she won't stay scared for long. She's planning her getaway strategy and I know that within a few months she'll probably try to fuck me over. That's her way. When she doesn't get what she wants she goes for people's throats in a subtle conniving way. I don't trust a hair on her head.

All the more reason to extricate yourself from this situation now, don't you think? If she's as cunning and conniving as you say, why are you going to give her three years to plot and scheme before you make your move. I think the more prudent decision would be to divorce her, now, while she's still afraid of exposure, instead of giving her the chance to turn the tables on you with regards to her father and brothers. Especially, if they're as dangerous as you claim them to be.

The question I have is what you are going to do to protect yourself?

You said she would get revenge. You know she has been squirreling away money and stealing money from you.

She is dating low wage idiots. You know she could consider something dumb like having one of them killing you. Just come up with some plans.

You should spatter in the periodic, "Wasn't I enough?" "Why don't you love me?" "I gave you so many years. So much love. Was any of it real?"

Those will show her you are tail spinning. She will see you as someone she hurt while you make a decision.

Let her see some of your pain. It will help her get it. Go read the wayward side of this forum, it will show you what she is thinking.

Good luck.

After what your wife has done, I don't see how in the world you could divorce and not let your children know why. Especially with reasoning like, there is a possibility there might be negative consequences for crappy people. It's on you to protect your kids and your relationship with them as the only adult in the family, not to fall on a sword for a bunch of low lifes. In their situation I'd sure hope one of my parents loved me enough to be honest.

IF I do tell my daughters, then I will only tell them that she cheated. I won't give them, the number or the race. All they need to know is their mom screwed me over.

If they want to extrapolate what they want and push their mom for answers, nothing I can do about that.

In a way I'm protecting my WW from the fallout. Maybe I shouldn't. I have always defended her to her family and others. And as for the guys she was banging, they are clueless idiots who have no idea the danger they could be in. I guarantee my stupid WW did not give any thought to it.

You don't fvck with the daughter and family of a man like my father in law. He is as connected as they come. All it would take is my father in law making some calls and these scrubs would disappear off the face of the earth. I don't want that on my conscience.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:40 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

You are a very smart man who has done all the right moves since discovering the infidelity.

I totally understand staying for your daughter.

However, there are some points to think about:

-your daughter's reaction when she finds out that for 3 years you have been pretend playing being a family.She will feel betrayed by both of you.

-from what you said about your wife, you will be essentially living with the enemy as she will be concocting ways to stop the divorce or make you the bad guy.

-she could fabricate a domestic attack charge which can see you arrested and removed from the house or she will start spreading lies about you to her family so that if it comes to divorce, they will be made to believe that it was your fault.Even if the infidelity becomes public, she will say you were so horrible to her that she had to find solace elsewhere. And do not forget, family is everything to the Italians...They will believe and support their own.

When people are cornered, they fight with all their means. Be prepared, put some cameras in the house and carry a voice activated recorder on you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 4:44 PM, October 7th (Monday)]

You are all great. You are all helping me think clearly.

I'm reading and mulling over every sentence believe me.

You’re doing good. Taking others opinions analyzing them, adjusting your positions. All the smart things you need to be doing right now.