SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Zug, it is possible to recognise physical attractiveness without wanting to rekindle a relationship.EX friend.

Zug, what i did or did not do was due to the anger generated by my Wifes affair so there was fault on both sides.

I agree with the recognizing attraction without wanting a relationship part.

I disagree with letting someone else’s behavior dictate your own—I believe strongly in taking personal responsibility for one’s own choices—but as long as I don’t personally do it, it’s none of my business.

Buzzy, I think you need to work on understanding who you were during the RA, who the AP was, and what you were doing. You are hanging on hard to a romanticized version. I know you *feel* like it was this wonderful thing but it was not, and the sooner you stop telling yourself it was, the better. Your feelings are your feelings, yes, but don't mistake them for reality.

And to answer your question, no, I never would have been with the AP. I knew during the affair that I didn't like him, let alone love him, and I found the compulsion to interact with him maddening. But it took a big dose of reality and a lot of work to clear him from my mind and to understand what was really happening.

[This message edited by Pippin at 9:39 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

DF, i hear what you say but think of it this way if a mate of mine punched me in the face im not asking questions im coming out swinging questions can wait till later.

Nvmd

[This message edited by Pippin at 9:38 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

Pippin, "a hot body means nothing" i agree it dosent mean everything but it certainly means something, if nothing else it shows self discipline in the matter of fitness and diet.

Zug, it is possible to recognise physical attractiveness without wanting to rekindle a relationship.EX friend.

Not with an AP. A relationship is based on physical attractiveness? Sounds pretty shallow to me. Is that why Claire is a friend? Looks and sex?

Zug, what i did or did not do was due to the anger generated by my Wifes affair

No, what you did was based on your lack of coping skills and selfishness dealing with anger. You choose how to respond to stimulis. Your wife apparently was well aware of your inability to deal with anger or slights.

so there was fault on both sides.

If you truly owned your actions you wouldn't be playing tit-for-tat. You would swallow your pride. Say you did something wrong and spiteful and not even mention that it was your wife's fault. Or that she did anything wrong first. You would accept your weaknesses without pointing the finger at her first.

Justifying shit here doesn't work because we were all in the same boat. We see gaslighting and justification from a mile away.

If someone slights you they are written off. Real compassionate and full of grace you must be. A great role model for your children. To intentionally hurt your wife and mother of your children because she hurt you first. If so, why are you here and why are you wracked with so much guilt and shame. Focus on why you choose cruelty in the face of pride. Work on you.

I broke it off with my AP and confessed to my H, at the time, I planned to be alone to get my head straight. I had a VERY STRONG pull to AP and wanted to be with him more than life itself but at the same time, in my head? I knew it was wrong. I knew I had to get my head straight. But when I confessed to H it was with the intent of being alone.

Would I have held to it? doubtful. I was psycho. The above is what I wanted in my sane moments. Thank the Father that H stayed and not only stayed but fought for us. I don't think I would have ended up with AP because AP was a jerk. But I would have made a fool of myself trying to make it work if I could have. My "I want to be alone" was genuine but I would have caved under the pressure of withdrawal pretty darn quick.

I was broken. I wanted a lot of things at once and none of them made sense or worked together. I was a brand plucked from the fire.

[This message edited by Maia at 11:32 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Maia - some of that was a similar experience for me. I definitely felt like a psycho. My logical brain knew the right thing, but I was a complete crazy mess.

I had an RA with an ex. She knew my situation with my WW and marriage. It was basically a friends with benefits situation and I went out of my way to drive my wife crazy. Any time my wife would question me I would parrot back things she said to me during (and after) her A. Not very mature but it give my WW some insight into how I was feeling. I ended the RA on my own. I honestly would never have entertained a real relationship with her.

A couple of years later I had an A of my own. I wasn’t thinking about revenge or evening the score; I chose to cheat. This was not an RA. She had been betrayed too and she was the one that filed for divorce. We had a lot of things in common, much more than I had with my wife. She was also very beautiful. What happened is basically what is outlined in the “Not Just Friends” book. I loved her. Around the second year, we started planning a future together. After 4 years or so, my AP was offered a huge job opportunity in another state several thousand miles away. I could not move away. I worried about having a relationship with my children. I have a great job that I didn’t want to leave too. AP broke it off after 6 long distance months of me dragging my feet. She came to visit and did it in person. She said some rather harsh shit to me that I completely deserved. So there really wasn’t an opportunity to go back to AP for me.

[This message edited by Buck at 3:46 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Buck, I am confused about your post. Are you still married to your wife, why? And she knows about this four year long affair?

My AP is a pretend piece of manipulative garbage. We made the "perfect" couple once. I was a dope.

Absolutely not. My AP was far away. I had 3 trips to see him. Each trip, I found more and more to dislike and question. Trip one started with minor things, trip two started to become bigger red flags. By trip three, there was a drastic difference in my AP. I’ve since found out that on that trip, he did some pretty terrible things likely because he went through my phone and saw I was still talking to my BH. He always knew I was married, but I guess actually reading it pushed him over the edge. Plus, he was a piece of shit. He just did a real good job hiding it. Our relationship was over before the truth came out to my BH. At the end, I wanted to get as much info as I could. Catch him in all his lies. I continued to play on with the affair like normal. Continued to let him think we had a chance. Once I got all the truths, everything went completely south. He was livid that I had caught him. He was livid that I had made sure everyone knew his lies. We were done. He outed me as revenge for exposing all his lies. (And I deserved it anyway. My BH deserved to know what I had done. Hiding this dark secret was absolutely considered by me. But you can’t rebuild a relationship when your heart and mind are filled with deep, dark lies.) I do know that even if he hadn’t outed me and my BH never found out, I never would have pursued a relationship with him. I learned too much during my last trip and the time after.

I knew my AP long before the affair. I spent a long time thinking I knew who he was as a person. For the first time in my life, I see him for who he actually is. I am sad and disgusted that it took a stupid, selfish affair for me to get my head out of my ass. I am glad I can move forward knowing the truth about him and not looking at him with rose colored glasses.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 6:31 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

No, I don’t think so. Even though mine was an EA too I never had any intention of leaving my BH for him and after DDay when he suggested it I told him no way. If R was off the table and we got divorced then he would have been a constant reminder of what I lost. But TBH, I really have no idea. I thought I loved him, but I think the rose colored glasses would have come off very quickly.

At the time of my A, I didn't think I even wanted to be married to anyone. So NO, if my M had failed, I would not have pursued my AP.

I don't even like my AP. What a confusing, horrible time in my life. Just NO.

Interesting, I didn’t think I wanted to be married to anyone either, ever again. I think I blamed some of the state of unhappiness on the idea of who I must be in a marriage. Ii often imagined (fantasized) about all the things it was holding me back from. When at all other times of my life I was more inclined to tell you all the wonderful benefits. Everything I thought and did was at odds with something else.

No. I haven’t spoken to him in almost a decade and even when we were sexting I didn’t like his personality very much at all. It makes the fact that my life has imploded over what happened between us even more tragic because I would have never even dated him.

No chance. It was just sex to me, which was mind blowing for both of us. I thought it was just sex for her also, but she wanted more and this is where the problems began.

Despite that I don’t know if I’ll ever reach R with my BS. My answer to this is a resounding no. As a recovering sex addict who had ignored and suffered with for over 18 years prior to and during my M, my AP was just fuel for my addiction. As a man I am visually stimulated and my AP who not only was 13 years younger than me, but also suffered from her own mental issues and validation seeking from anyone and everyone on popular (yuck) social media Instagram (the beginning of my A) and Twitter, was constantly providing me my fix to my addiction by sending me photos and then being close enough to me to act out in a PA. I carelessly gave up a happy M by denying myself the truth that I suffered and then when I tried to go NC the AP lied and manipulated me AND I still broke NC once like a fool only to be manipulated again. No thank you and glad I’m passed that part. I just wish I had the sense to figure this out before the causing the damage and letting my selfishness and addiction take control.

BRAVO ff4152

You hit the nail on the head.

But a chocolate covered turd is still just a fancy looking pile of shit.

What I have discovered in the last three years has astonished me. The bond I have with my wife goes beyond the emotional. I truly love this woman with my entire being. I know now I would have never had that with my AP. Why? Because I would have remained who I was, a sad selfish broken individual who was incapable of this kind of emotional depth. So to answer the question:

No fucking way.

[This message edited by Sorry4Everything at 5:26 AM, December 6th (Friday)]