SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ester Perel - the queen of wayward justification kibbles

Pre Dday

From the therapist I fired

"If he's coming home every night, he's not cheating."

Phantasmagoria beat me to it - everything written by Esther Perel

and I'll add Mira Kirshenbaum

On a more personal note: "You can't expect him to become a different person" Wait - you mean like NOT a cheater?

From my MIL- started off appearing supportive, but when WS living with her & feeling sorry for himself, started a campaign to convince me to give him another chance.

' Just remember your principles won't keep you warm at night or a roof over your head.'

And ' I know he still works with her but he says he has managed to resist her for the last 6 weeks, so he isn't cheating any more'- seems not 'resisting her'for the previous 10 months was OK then!

So basically, oldtruck you are saying that “don’t do anything for six months” holds true as long as you do sensible things. Which basically is saying “do sensible things for six months” which is more-or-less what I suggested. Which is fundamentally NOT telling the BS to do NOTHING – as per the sentence “don’t do anything for six months”.

I have seen way too many posters here on SI that have been reluctant to act. Deciding on R or D isn’t really the issue, nor is it necessarily the first decisions a BS needs to decide on. There are so many things the BS needs to do, including focusing on own physical and mental well-being, researching the options, lining the ducks… Plenty to do and IMHO no reason to delay taking action. You need to act but act logically.

from some fucking/many therapists: set aside some time during the day to discuss it and then spend the rest of the day building positive interactions.....

FU. Just, so I'm supposed to have a positive interaction while wanting to strangle him? ok then....

^^^^that as well^^^^ I wanted to strangle him ALL the time! And I was supposed to swallow my anger now after getting maybe 5 minutes of chitty chat?

Also from therapists that kept me in the same painful loop, "you need to forgive but not forget" what the HELL does that mean? "you need to come to some kind of peace within yourself" was another good one.

Oh, OK.... let me work on that one while I shove this shit sandwich down my throat.

[This message edited by realitybites at 6:53 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I found the “don’t make any big decisions for X months” helpful in my situation. I just wanted the pain and craziness to end. It was a relief to hear that I could simply float and watch and catch my breath before having to “do” anything. In my case my H was doing everything he could to prove his worth to me (ours was a fucked up situation pre-A which has added a little extra something to my situation).

But what irked me most at the time was a friend telling me “ do not blame the OW, focus on your H”. I don’t know about you guys, but I had plenty of rage for all of them! H didn’t get off the hook, but I needed to vent and rage at those who knowingly conspired against me.

When I was ready to let go of my anger, I finally did. Took about 3 years to get there, I believe, but I did it my way and it worked for me.

Best advice I would give someone just starting out? Not much.... be there for them, don’t allow them to blame themself, and don’t allow any further abuse. But we all need to find our own path out of here.

do not blame the OW, focus on your H

I hate this bullshit too. And the "but the AP didn't make a vow to you" crap. so the fuck what. It breaks the girl code, the human being code, etc. you just don't do that to another person and we have every right to be angry with them.

"You haven't truly forgiven until you've forgotten." - said to me by several foolish people.

Human beings weren't wired up to forget. If we forgot every traumatic event that happened to us, we'd most likely step into the same trap over and over again. Over time we no longer dwell on it to the point of it becoming bitterness but we never forget what happened.

I'd say pretty much any advice you get from people who haven't experienced this personally.

Also pretty much any way that As are portrayed or advised upon in any sort of article/show/movie.

On SI I would simply say that, so long as you are out of Infidelity, ignore those who push to rush a decision. As other posters have said, that's not about doing nothing - looking after your well being, doing the 180, examining your options etc - but simply giving yourself time to breathe and collect your thoughts.

Most of the things you should do in the first months are the same whether you R or D, so focus on them, not the result.

From a therapist: "shout at a chair so you won't be angry at WH when he comes back from work"

My dad: "nobody will want to be with somebody with 5 kids, so stay with your WH".

From the dude who did the lie detector test: "he hasn't slept with her so you need to think really hard before divorcing your WH and making your kids end up in a broken home."

Ex m.i.l " don't ask questions so he won't lie"

From a friend: "it's been 3 months since he stopped (his A), so time to forgive and forget".

Probably heard more crap after dday, but it's been 6 years, so that 's the main bits that I remember.

Some "advice" came from people who had no clue so it was easy to take it with a grain of salt. My ex m.i.l had been a b.s and I had felt really close to her before dday, so it was another blow to realise what she really thought of me (not a lot). Further actions from ex. M.i.l, ie telling my WH to sell the family home and excusing his drink driving just made me see how toxic she was.

At this time of my life, everything seemed to blow up.

“ do not blame the OW, focus on your H”. I don’t know about you guys, but I had plenty of rage for all of them! H didn’t get off the hook, but I needed to vent and rage at those who knowingly conspired against me.

I hate this bullshit too. And the "but the AP didn't make a vow to you" crap. so the fuck what. It breaks the girl code, the human being code, etc. you just don't do that to another person and we have every right to be angry with them.

Yes. This. I never let WH off the hook either. But I also remember quite clearly that there was another adult there who was a POS with zero empathy for another human being.

Yeah, I get the part where she didn't make the vow to me. But I also understand that she knew what she was doing, knew that it would hurt me, and was actively trying to end my M (yeah, I have proof of that).

I made sure she got some consequences too. Sorry, not sorry.

I was told to just let it "burn itself out". Just wait and she will come around. Oh and while I was waiting I could start being nicer to her.

..I "NEVER' asked "ANYONE" ...

What should I do??? Should I stay or should I go??

So family and friends didn't ask or try to tell me.

The worst advice I gave to myself...

" Get a gun and blow bfOM's fucking head off! "

I'll always be glad I didn't take it, but part of me wishes I had!! His consequences would come in 2005 when the brain tumor made the scene. He'd be dead in April 2006.

Details are in my bio...

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 9:28 AM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I actually did some more thinking about this topic and by far the worst advice I was given was from the MC. That because my H is cancer that I should never discuss the LTA with him because he was ill, and that I should pretend we are divorced and she would see me later alone after he dies. That bothered the crap out of me...we never went to MC again after that. I refused.

So basically, oldtruck you are saying that “don’t do anything for six months” holds true as long as you do sensible things. Which basically is saying “do sensible things for six months” which is more-or-less what I suggested. Which is fundamentally NOT telling the BS to do NOTHING – as per the sentence “don’t do anything for six months”.

See, I don't remember ever seeing "Don't do anything for 6 months" here. I've seen "Don't make any major decisions for 6 months" or variations of that. If anyone says "Don't do anything for 6 months" then I totally agree w/Bigger. But I think that it is a good idea not to make major, life changing decisions during a huge emotional upheaval. Some people know, immediately, that the A was a dealbreaker and never waver. But it seems to me that it's more common to just be overwhelmed and have no idea what to do.

JMO, of course.

I've seen "Don't make any major decisions for 6 months" or variations of that. If anyone says "Don't do anything for 6 months" then I totally agree w/Bigger. But I think that it is a good idea not to make major, life changing decisions during a huge emotional upheaval. Some people know, immediately, that the A was a dealbreaker and never waver. But it seems to me that it's more common to just be overwhelmed and have no idea what to do.

I think the issue is that people oftem interpret "don't make any major decisions for 6 months," as don't do anything. They don't meet with lawyers, they don't set any money aside, get any ducks in a row or work on a plan b. And then 6 months go by and they're not in any better of a position to make a major decision than they were on d-day.

I think better advice/wording would be get your ducks in a row for divorce and then assess your situation in 6 months. If you think R is a possibility, go for it. If it's been 6 months and your WS is still is breaking NC/lying/showing no remorse/etc. then you'll be in a better position to make the decision to move on with your life without dragging you down.

MC to wh - "Do you want to be married?"

wh - "Yes"

MC to me - "I don't see what the problem is - he was never going to leave you."

MC to wh - "Were you having an affair?"

wh - "No"

MC to me - "He wasn't doing anything wrong."

No defining affair. No defining what love means to both of us. No defining marriage. Ah, yes, at 24 as a new bride, this was supposed to be normal for a marriage. Nothing was wrong with him. I was the one that needed to understand him.

MC - "You just got off on the wrong foot. Remember when you first fell in love. Learn better ways to communicate." - the forgive and forget rugsweeping message to both of us. I'd be the bad guy if there are consequences. He's absolved.

MIL - "All men do this." So I'd be the one with the problem if I don't accept the behavior as normal - No, not all men do this. MIL was letting her son off the hook.

[This message edited by earlydetour at 12:54 PM, April 29th (Wednesday)]

I object to any advice to appear to be what the BS is not. (The BS has to be real to heal.)

I object to any advice based on some theory that if the BS does one thing, the WS will do another. (We surprise ourselves time and time again when we get unexpected results from an action.)

I object to any advice to trick or manipulate the WS. (What good is a relationship based on tricks?)

I object to any advice based on over-generalizations about men or women or R or D or anything else.

From my mother in law when I made my fWH tell her- "you are just going to have to forget this ever happened. Throwing it in his face all the time will just make him do it again"

THE MIL from Hell.. my STBX is an only child... a few days after yet another D-Day

MIL from HELL:

“you’re over it now, you should be happy.”

“You should go over to the AP and beat her up”

“You should fight for my son”

“You should beat my son to teach him a lesson. Give as good as you got”

“What sort of terrible mother are you”

“You are no better than the AP”

“Move back into the house and be a good wife and mother”