SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The OBS needs to be informed - and don't give a warning.

You can inform without being cruel. Sadly those chips will fall where they may.

As for you and your partner. Others are correct. R takes 2 willing partners - it sounds as yours isn't willing. I'm sorry.

You say the usual advise doesn't apply. It actually does. Otherwise you are doing others a great disservice and prolonging the inevitable.

Maybe your partner’s misery has nothing to do with you.

It may be all about her OM - the guy she’s having the affair with. Maybe she’s unhappy HE ended it. Maybe she’s unhappy b/c YOU stand in her way.

Tell the other betrayed spouse. ASAP!

It doesn’t matter if the partner refuses to speak to you. Really not your issue in my opinion.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:27 AM, September 6th (Sunday)]

Thanks for the advice and I will tell the OBS. She does deserve to know.

I think the OM ended the affair when I found out. She made an unguarded remark during an argument when I suggested she go move in with him and she snapped he doesn't want her.

I've found something today that confirms she was completely in love with the OM and was planning to leave me for him. It also indicates he has ended the affair and she was desperately trying to convince him not to.

I've started the 180 and since going NC I've started to feel a bit better.

I hope you realize you are plan B and should help make your decision easier. Sorry for the harsh words but it seems to be the truth. Stay strong.

As advised many times, Tell the other betrayed spouse. ASAP!

He is a predator, giving false promises and run away. It is too late for your but at least he will not be able to do it another family.

Since it seems like she is too deep in to him she will look at you as a safe bet but not mush else. Is the attempt at suicide because of him running away or you asking her to leave.

[This message edited by goalong at 4:33 PM, September 4th (Friday)]

goalong:

Is the attempt at suicide because of him running away or you asking her to leave.

I would assume it was because he dumped her an ran away judging from what despairingUK found out:

despairingUK:

I've found something today that confirms she was completely in love with the OM and was planning to leave me for him.

Unfortunately, the pegs are lining up. She was obsessed with him. Her suicide attempt was more for not being able to be with him, and not about you. It also indicates why she will not speak with you. You are in her way.

Sorry my friend. You were dealt a bad hand.

Perhaps consider that you were lucky to find out now rather then further on in life when you had children, and were more financially invested.

Ensure that you are receiving counselling as you progress forward. Things will still be tremendous for you as you reinvest in your life.

I hope the 180 and NC is easier on you knowing that the cheater is someone that is shown to be actually in reality so unworthy and undesirable in the eyes of both the AP and the BS.

So sorry about being plan B.

She loves another, end of story and the end of your relationship.

Still support her through her medical journey, she need this.

However; the die has been cast relationship wise.

Strength to you on that front, IC. She knew what would happen meeting him again: breaking no contact.

Be the grey rock, 180 and detach yourself from her. Time is on your side.

One day at a time

A quick update.

I messaged the OBS yesterday and minutes after I sent the first message confirming she's the right person I get a lot of angry messages from WW asking why I'm talking to her and then threatening to hurt herself if I don't stop.

She claims she heard through a friend of a friend but I suspect that is a lie.

Did you get to have a full conversation with the OBS? Did you get her on the phone to confirm it was her you were messaging with and not the AP?

Your WW is still communicating with the AP and absolutely at this moment is not a candidate for R. Continue with The 180. She is not looking out for you or your best interests. Only herself and trying to protect the affair.

I messaged the OBS yesterday and minutes after I sent the first message confirming she's the right person I get a lot of angry messages from WW asking why I'm talking to her and then threatening to hurt herself if I don't stop.

As a grown, and now separated man, you are free to communicate with whoever you like and, unlike her, you aren’t sleeping with the OBS. The nerve that some WS’s have after the event is something else.

You did the right thing, the OBS deserved to know and she has clearly found out from AP that you contacted his partner, so is still communicating with him.

Remember, her attempts to harm herself, both before and any subsequent attempts now, completely lie with her and her own mental health. You are not, and cannot be responsible for what she does. You have not hurt her or been cruel to her - you are doing what needs to be done as a result of her choices and are simply getting on with things. Threatening to harm herself because you choose to speak to the OBS is very wrong of her.

She heard that you spoke to the OBS through some fictional grapevine? No she heard it directly from the man she loves, her AP.

He may not want her as his number 1 wife, but she's still in contact with him and is still running in #2 position, severely depressed that she will never be #1, but with no consideration for her husband, still in contact with the AP and therefore still in her affair.

I don't see her as being worthy of a gift so precious as R.

Talking about suicide or hurting herself could just be manipulative behavior or real.

In any event, you should call your suicide hot line or police immediately.

If it's real, she needs more help than you can provide.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:56 AM, September 6th (Sunday)]

I guess you are not married. It’s obvious that she is in contact with om. Right now, and probably for a long time, total nc seems the way to go. I imagine there is a lot to unwind after 15 years, like getting he stuff to the right place, shutting down financial arrangements etc. is there anyone in her family that can act as a go between here?

It’s obvious that she is in total mind lock here, and she blames you for everything. Sad, but as the old adage goes, there is no fixing stupid. You are not equipped to be fixing her crazy, and she definitely does not want you to try.

So let nature run it’s course. Either she will get better with meds and therapy or she won’t. Don’t try to control events and do not blame yourself.

@despairingUK I’m so sorry that you have gone through that. There must be a cheaters handbook or something. Just reading the first paragraph where you have stated she became distant, then ONLY when you questioned her behavior did she start to drill you about all of the things that bothered her about the relationship. My husband did the same with me. I think they try to justify their actions because the guilt is too much for them to accept. That makes it sting even more because at that point you’d think they would display some type of remorse. I don’t know how some people sleep at night.

Just carry on bud. Your wife keeps ticking all the boxes of someone that has fallen head over heels for another. She refuses to work or discuss your relationship but you are not allowed to threaten theirs.

I would dare to say that this is what she was like when she first met you.

Tick all the boxes you need to do to extract yourself from this horrible scenario, and move on.

It's your only option.

I told the OBS tonight and she confronted OM. He has admitted to a physical affair as we all suspected.

WW has now turned nasty, blaming me for the affair. Saying he made her feel good etc. She's now blocked.

Zero chance at R.

File and have her served. The quicker the better for YOU

Good luck and stay strong

OP - sorry but it seems you are prepared for the confirmation of the PA. No doubt it sucks big time but the confirmation should help you decide the path to D/separation (not married right) easier. Good luck.