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What else does she have to offer you? Loyalty?

It is all she has left. It is the only way she can really influence you. She uses her sexuality to get what she wants from men, be it you or her lover.

Now if you can not let the sex influence you, if you can view it simply as a physical release, then have at it.

But it’s hard to separate and clear your head while having sex with the person you are separating from.

AH here's my two cents on this.

It appears to me that you're still on the fence about which direction this is going (D or R which is understandable).

That said, as far as the possibilty of giving your wife the gift of R, you need to be watching her actions not her words. This issue with her friend definitely is a red flag.

In my humble opinion she either gets this (saying bye bye to her toxic friend) or she doesn't. If others (or you want to debate this that's fine). However whether she gets it or not at this point should make you see that R (the possibility of it) is off the table.

As for bringing sex into the equation.

Ok you've already done this with her the other day. You can't change this but you're asking if you should continue to do so?

My advice is why do it (have sex with her)?

You're already confused about ALL of this and bringing sex into this is only going to make you more confused.

It's just going to cloud your thinking and that's the last thing you need right now.

I think most of us would agree that making a decision to divorce your wife after all the shit she's done to you OR possibly getting to a place where your wife has done the work (and has shown you that she could potentially be a safe partner) is one HUGE decision!!

Sex is just going to get the emotions swirling in your head. Hell you've already mentioned you were wondering if you were too aggressive/rough with her. See this is what sex is going to do....get you thinking about shit that you do NOT need to be thinking about (or dealing with) right now.

In my opinion, your wife is desperately trying to figure out how to keep you. To not divorce her. Nothing has worked as of yet, but now she uses sex (NOT love bombing) to hopefully get what she wants.

Something to think about. Didn't she use sex to get what she wanted from this POSOM???

He made her feel alive and young and wanted and attractive and special etc etc and what did she use to get this from him.......sorry but a 2X4......her pussy!!

Do you think this guy would have cheated on his wife and did all of this with your wife if she didn't give it up (or any other woman)?

The answer is HELL NO!!!

So now your wife is using the same thing that she uses to get what she wants......sex. It's what works for her!!

So something you might want to think about is every time you're debating whether or not to be with her sexually just remember you're being used by what she knows best to use....sex.

Just remember if there's ANY possibility for R with your wife she has to have put the work in to fix herself NOT falling back on sex to keep a man in her life or to make her feel all of those things she got from POSOM.

I don't blame her for doing this because it's worked for her in the past but it's pretty damn pathetic and NOT what you need right now in your journey as you're still trying to sort through all of this.

Just my opinion (because you asked) but as with anybody else you do what is best for you.

She said that we are still husband and wife

So all of a sudden shes the in-house specialist on marital commitments….

So all of a sudden shes the in-house specialist on marital commitments….

Had to chuckle at Bigger's comment. Unless I missed something you were husband and wife for the last two years, as well as the previous four. But somehow you have not been able to ask if D has met any of her other boyfriends, or even if there have been any others??? if I missed it I apologize.

Theres been a lot of comment about the heater incident. How about that she even entertained the thought of staying cordial with this woman whom she double dated with OM and her husband, and REPEATEDLY brought this woman into your presence and than laughed about it with her after as D made nice to you. How many times did that happen in two years????

So you asked the question about sex. People who reconcile many times do the hysterical bonding thing. In your case if you were able to just use her as a release why would anyone argue but you seem to lose all semblance of control and become tongue tied once she starts to present things to you. Most on the other thread thought she was using her sales skills to manipulate you from D Day on. Now she will use sex if you let her.

You file a separation agreement and she has you in front of the pastor, has you in her bed, and has you having to explain why she shouldn't meet with D.

My question, which you obviously do not have to answer is, what have you found out that the OBS hasn't provided for you???????? And if it appears OM is getting divorced or separated, do you really believe he is not going to take another run at her. Its worked before. I wouldn't bet the ranch on her running right to the police station if he shows up or calls her again. And you really think D won't provide him her new number or where she works if they remain girlfriends.???? D and her husband probably know OM better than they know you since they were double date buddies.

It's not hard to understand why you are waivering and not knowing which way you want to go . It's like buying a house without ever looking at it. Theres still a crapload that you do not know one way or the other.

She said that we are still husband and wife

So all of a sudden shes the in-house specialist on marital commitments…

.

Yep. Gods opinion suddenly matters now. When it suits her best interests. She is making her necessity a virtue.

AHguy, see my reply to her pussy bombing on your main thread.

TLDR; She is using her pussy to "fuck with your mind"

Difficult because I am sure your sexual energy is built up beyond belief right now.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your opinions, we are legally separated and after 6 month this separation could be used to file for divorce if one of us wants to.

After almost 2 months of no sex I just couldn’t stop myself. I felt bad about it because when we did it the first time I was aggressive while she was kind of submitting, the sex didn’t last too long I felt like I was rapping her, I went for a shower and really felt bad specially when I got out of the shower and saw her still laying naked, I felt horrible I apologized for it she initiated it this time and we did it. The second time she was more involved and responsive and it was probably the best sex I had .

The problem is after that I found myself wanting it more. I need a hard 180 to stop the thought of desiring her. Is this normal? I dream of having sex with her almost every night. Is this common in situations like mine?

If a WS perspective is OK-

If you read my signature line you can see that I have something to offer regarding the dangers of HB.

Off the bat when we began HB (about 2 weeks post DDay) it quickly convinced me that we were going to be alright. This was on the heels of very overt cake-eating that was absolute hell for my BW.

As I look back on the post-HB, what I see about how I was approaching the R process: was already harboring immensely irrational resentments about my BW’s availability (which was actually well above average and perceived as mutually fulfilling) The then over-the-top availability and intensity- (We were f%$ing for our lives) had a horrible rebound effect for me. It created a subsequent resentment of how this “could have been possible” all along. No perspective on her pain, just continued taking, fueled by a change that could have been described as “for the better.” It wasn’t.

Bottom line IMO, if there’s still some degree of confusion, unstated or misdirected intent (like cheaters are good at placing in situations post-hoc and distorting, and a traumatized spouse equally vulnerable) this has the great potential to cloud the actual facts and actions needed moving forward.

For a cheater, the Sonic Youth album title says it all-

“Confusion is Sex.”

Is this normal? I dream of having sex with her almost every night. Is this common in situations like mine?

Completely normal. HB is driven by the craving to reconnect, not just sexually but emotionally as well. In REM sleep, our brains do quite a bit of processing, so it's only natural that this drive would be current in your dreams. Fear of abandonment is hard-wired from infancy. Right now, you are cut off from your primary person. All your subconscious energy is focused on that. Be patient with yourself.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

I don't know AH, seems like your inner resolve is weakening and in the long run it will end up working against you.

Try to focus on the big picture. If you plan on R which sounds like it will be a good possibility, what do you want your new marriage to your wife to look like? Strong? Vibrant? Honest? Faithful? Truthful? If these are the things that you are seeking, I would hold off and stay that STRONG MAN that you have been portraying yourself to be to all of us these last few weeks. Now is not the time to buckle for sex.

I'm going to guess that she is currently banking on your weakness right now and is hoping that you will falter. And with this comes rugsweeping and pushing things into the past and coming back together with unresolved issues. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. This is not just sex, you are extremely emotionally invested into your Wayward wife. Don't forget that.

Right now your brain is in a fog. Please hold off. I kind of feel like evil is tempting you because she hasn't done the work and going back through this route, sex, HB will end up being a quick sale back into your life. That is how I see it anyhow. It's so clear to me. She isn't just some random stranger you are going to meet up with off the street, NSA.

AH, I'm the women whose WH sadly passed away 5 1/2 months ago. But along with his death the truth came into the light. I am no longer confused by his presence. I am no longer confused by his behaviors. I am no longer confused by his lies. There are still things that I am working on, forgiveness, acceptance, etc. but for the most part, my confusion has disappeared.

You are still very confused. Stay clear of her and stay no contact the best way you can. Trust me when we say that she has a lot of work to do ahead of her and I guarantee sex is not a part of that work. The sex is there to still keep you in a confused state of mind.

I feel if you give it time and allow the dust to settle, you then will be able to work from a clearer perspective. Right now you are being controlled by superficial things instead of getting to the bottom of her Why's.

AHGuy,

Why don’t you ask yourself why you wanted to have sex with your WW? You don’t seem the type to have sex with a woman just for sex, with no emotional attachment. It wasn’t only a physical need.

Could it be because you want to reconnect with her?

You were rough because you’ve been withholding for so long (so your brain says). And you felt bad because you brain tells you you just had sex with a woman who chose another man, and your WW didn’t help when she said it was ok to have sex because you’re married.

She didn’t say that she chose you and wanted only you and no one else. Nope. She said that it’s ok to have sex, because, technically, on paper, you are married.

So, on one hand, your brain wants to move away from the one person that hurt you the most and on the other, you feel the need to reconnect with the person you love the most?

We, Betrayed, love our spouse so much and yet, they hurt us so much, and we find ourselves in an impossible position.

Having sex with your WW will bring you emotionally closer to her. As long as you understand that, then you decide whether it’s good or bad.

Who are we to tell you what you can and can't do, you do you. But if you are asking for advice, I will reiterate what far wiser people have said in this and in your other post...after an affair of over two years where sex with you was withheld so as not to cheat on her AP with you, this now is a winning tactic for her, nothing more..nothing less.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 9:59 AM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

I guess what hurts the most is that our spouses didn't turn out to be as great as we wanted them to be... we weren't each others firsts but we still were young. Continue working towards a clear mind and clarity, no contact as much as possible.

If your marriage is meant to be then trust in the process... allow her to get to the bottom of this... let go of the outcome. I have a hard time believing that you would want to continue your marriage under these circumstances and sex keeps that emotional entanglement without the both of you having to do the hard work. No thank you.

I think she is playing the sex card anyway and doesn't sound like love to me. That gets so old. Pass!

Wait. You work on yourself and she works on herself. Get to the bottom of both of your why's... get to the truth. Become authentic. Get to know each other without the sex. Women's perspective. Take the time to get to know her personality. Keep contact to a minimum.

I actually kind of have hope for the two of you and your marriage. But without the work on both of your parts, you will end up back into the same old boring trap.

Suggestions; go for a run, chop wood, work in your garage, listen to music, think and contemplate, journal, take the dog and go for a hike, read here, read books, IC for you... lots of choices, just leave the HB out of it. Lol

AHGuy - She was your one and only if I recall correctly.

You probably are craving sex because you subconsciously don't know if you will have it with anyone else like this again. You appreciate it on a level you know most people don't.

I kind of wonder if your WW appreciated you being aggressive because she saw it as a way to help you get over the humiliation you feel.

I will say with her being your 1 and only, it might not be a bad thing because you otherwise will be sealing away that part of yourself.

I won't be surprised if you go out dating for a little bit and then come back to her. That is ok.

My first thought was this:

You could jeopardize your seperation status depending on laws.

Some jurisdiction require separation for a certain amount of time before you can D and sexual relations can be determined to be "reconciliation" (in the most basic sense of the word) which can reset the separation clock.

The emotional stuff - you already know.

Sex During Separation

It's likely to increase your (and your wife's) vulnerability to emotional harm over time.

You should check with your lawyer about this. In many states, having sex during separation negates the separation, even if an agreement has been signed.

You should check with your lawyer about this. In many states, having sex during separation negates the separation, even if an agreement has been signed.

^^^^THIS^^^^^

And... of course how can she be the bad guy when she gave you everything you wanted post dday. She is afterall your wife....

Remember that clarity you had when you weren't screwing? That will help you figure out if she really gets things and is doing the real work to be worthy at the shot of R or not. But if you are having sex w/ her on the regular you will find yourself confused, and lost. True 180 and separation to figure things out does not include booty calls.

For your own sanity don't do it. You can take matters into your own hands for a while. In the meantime step back and watch her actions. I also guarantee you that she will tell the pastor that she is fulfilling ALL her wifely duties, and doesn't know why you won't forgive. So be ready for that shitshow to start when you do say No. She knows how to manipulate you for sure.

Just gonna lay this item down right here:

I feel humiliated, she didn't just sleep with him she confessed her love for him,how they miss each other and can't wait to to hold each other, how he made feel special, how they were planning to live together after they dump their spouses when all their kids are out.now she says it was all fantasy, WTF?

I feel emasculated , because this guy is a millionaire, more fun ( something she had been complaining about) he took her to fancy places I can't afford all the time.I'm not poor I have my own business and 2 payed off houses. but I work too much. they even used me to facilitate one of their Fuck meeting and degraded me afterward with the most disrespect. now she says she never meant to disrespect me.