SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is truly a mess. Better get your wife's sexual orientation straightened out before you move forward with R. A polygraph is a must after she gives you a detailed timeline. Is your wife willing to resume sexual relations with you, assuming that you are interested? If you or your family feel physically threatened by the AP, I would consult with the legal authorities on what can be done. If the AP attempts further contact, advise her that you will refer the matter to the police if she persists in harassing you, your wife, or your family. This is not meant as a criticism, and I was certainly guilty of not doing what I am about to say, but your story and many others I have read, make it clear that if a spouse's behavior radically changes, it behooves the other spouse to go nuclear to get to the bottom of that change ASAP. It's hard to do, but there always is something very bad lurking behind the facade of a once happy relationship. Finally, I hope you have gotten the idea of suicide out of your head. It would hurt so many you love. A family member did just that when his wife came out as a lesbian. Truly heartbreaking and unnecessary. Be kind to yourself and do whatever is necessary to heal. I wish you and your family the best going forward.

[This message edited by src9043 at 6:51 PM, December 20th (Sunday)]

Schedule the Poly, besides the obvious questions about possible in person meetings, sex or any physical contact with her AP, don't assume this was her first rodeo, 5 years without sex is a very long time so chances are she could have met someone else or had a ONS with a man or a woman. Did she admit she is a lesbian or bisexual ? If not, I think that should be one of the questions, also why did she deny you sex during all that time, was it to remain faithful to her AP and/or because she's no longer attracted to you/men ?.

You also mentioned you answer her burner phone and talked to her AP, did you ask the AP if she knew your WW was married ? if so what was her answer ?.

I also recommend you expose her A with ALL family and close friends without warning, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure and the so called limerence or as some call it "fog", I find it hard to believe that after 5 years she would turn on a dime it's possible but As are addictive and typically it takes months for a cheater to stop pining for the AP, exposure typically kills the "beautiful, magical and exciting" aspects of the A and replace them with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate the AP and the less likely she will be to cheat again in the future, it's called consequences, I would also have her apologize to the entire family for her huge betrayal, it helps with remorse, also demand she gets tested for STDs just in case, it also sets a tone and also helps with remorse.

I find it hard to believe that after 5 years she would turn on a dime it's possible

I read somewhere that in general it takes about half as long as a long term affair lasted for the WS to get over the AP.

Maybe that's a good rule of thumb. I'd like to know what others think.

A couple of commenters mentioned counseling and while I am not a big believer in that, I do think it may help on the long run. So I am considering it. I do have fear that this may be spun in a way in which I am to blame and I don’t think I could deal with a counselor trying that.

At this point, the only type of counseling you should consider would be individual; no marriage counseling. You need to counselor to guide you through sorting out how you feel and what you want to do with someone. Your counselor should be your advocate. Your priority has to be being the best father you can be for your son, which may well mean a life without your WW.

At the same time, your wife needs some serious counseling to address her willingness to involve herself in this type of activity as well as her own sexuality. Right now, she's putting too much on her AP. As experienced and persuasive the as AP may have been, no one maintains a 5-year relationship against her will. Your wife chose to keep it up because she was getting something from it. Remember, it would still be going on if you had not started to investigate. The burner phone, anti-male groups, sexting, etc -- she never decided to end it; it stopped because she got caught. She needs professional help to come to terms with it all.

Cheaters lie a lot.

Upfront they all promise you the moon.

^^^^What was said^^^^

Good advice from well knowledgeable people.

Just keep communicating. Check and verify everything she says. Legal advice is a must and listen to what advice is given.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 1:29 AM, December 21st (Monday)]

Src mentioned sexual orientation. There are several well known actresses and writers who did not know they were lesbians until middle age. They had tried marriage(s). In some cases several marriages. The human ability to lie to oneself never fails to surprise me. How did they not know and yet none of them appear to need to lie about it. Your wife fell for another person who happens to be lesbian but many men and women here can describe the exact same behaviors in their straight partners, including nude selfies, which, by the way, are now in the hands of a scary person. You need a therapist if only to vent. This is a five year theft of your life.

People can have emotional affairs for years without sex so yes, your WW could have had a non-sexual affair with the OW.

However: Didn’t it become a sexual affair the minute they started sending messages that were intended to create sexual stimulation?

To me a key to reconciliation is being real.

I think that if both you and your wife want to and are willing to do the work you have a recoverable marriage. But it can only recover from the truth.

Your wife wasn’t groomed or led or an innocent victim. She willingly went along the trail she went on. Maybe the OW led her for some parts, but there was never any coercion or force applied. The importance of this is that unless your wife squarely shoulders the blame there is always a risk of repeat. After all – if the reason this went so far is totally because of someone else then somebody else could in the future lead her on the same path. I’m not making her accountable to make R harder. I’m making her accountable to make R possible.

I strongly suggest you get legal advice on the divorce-situation. This suggestion is made in the same way as one might suggest you use a seat-belt while driving. It’s not because I expect you to divorce/crash, but rather that you MIGHT crash. Depending on your state, how the home was gifted, inheritance, length of marriage… then MAYBE things aren’t as clear-cut as you think. Maybe “your” house in your parents name might be half “her” house too. Maybe. Maybe not. But IMHO it’s better to have the real legal stance on that.

The OW a convicted sexual offender AND a registered gun-owner? In most states that wouldn’t be possible. Well… depends on what sentence she got. But I don’t see how the two issues are really relevant to your situation unless you had reason to think she planned to come take you out (or molest).

Hello everyone... hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. It has been an interesting week. Given the holidays it was hard to schedule things but got them done. Sorry didn’t update sooner but figured it would be best when I had some more info.

So.... here we go.

Spoke to a lawyer just to make sure I get some more insight as to what my options are. That was interesting but informative. I have options to consider.

Both my wife and I did Std tests (I insisted) and they came out negative so that was good. Also got myself checked out.

My wife even told family and some of our more closer friends about the whole affair. She did that more on her own. I only mentioned it would be a good step in the right direction.

She went through the polygraph.... wow what a process!!! The guy who did it was very good. He started with some baseline questions to her to calibrate the machine. He hit my wife with my main questions later in the exam.

1 - did she ever meet this person IRL?

2 - was the affair ever physical?

3 - was she planning on leaving her family for this person?

4 - was she aware of this persons history?

5 - we went into her sexually questions (heterosexual, lesbian, bi, etc)

6 - my more personal questions (meaning is still committed to this relationship, is it over with the AP, still communicating with AP, does she see the affair as a mistake, many questions along those lines). I had many of them. These were just some. Keep in mind the nature of the test so he had to ask the questions in ways that she can answer so the machine can read her properly. It was an interesting experience. I couldn’t be in the room but he filmed it for me to see and gave me the report as well. He told me that it would be better if I sat outside while he was doing the polygraph so he could get better results.

So I guess you want to know the outcome....

She never met her in real life. It was always online, email, phone text etc... still doesn’t make this right in any case. She was never aware of the persons background. She never let intended on giving up on our marriage. I know she thought she would not get caught. She doesn’t consider herself lesbian or bi only heterosexual since it never got physical. Guess I have to accept that at this time but I still feel deep in my gut that if they had a chance to meet up that answer would be a lot different. She has cut off all communication with AP (I still have access to all her emails, phone etc...and that isn’t going to change for a LONG while). She is committed to make amends and try to fix her marriage. It was hard to hear these answers and see how she reacted during the test. She seemed almost damaged like she was broken. Don’t know if it was remorse for what she did or that she is now having to go through all of this because she got caught. For now time will tell.

I have a lot now to think about. I will say that the last few days since DDay have been long and hard. A lot of feeling, crying, talking, etc... She has been by my side these past few days and has expressed much remorse for what happened and the damage she has caused (at least that’s the vibe I get from her). Hopefully we can savage our marriage but it will take time. Don’t know yet what the future holds for us but time will tell.

I also want to take the time to answer one person’s comment about the fact of this persons “more” criminal background and the fact she also is a registered gun owner. I don’t know what this persons intentions truly are... if she was just looking for a romantic relationship with my wife or something more or even something more criminal in nature. Especially now that communication has been severed. I have also notified my local police about this individual (helps when you know the Sargent there).

Thank you for all your feedback and advise. It has helped me ask better questions, next steps and options to look into. I will keep looking at your comments and provide updates periodically. You guys have been great. Bringing my issue here helped during a depressing time. Sorry for any typos. It’s hard doing this on my phone. Thanks again. DP

I am a proponent of polygraphs, but something seems a little strange about the one you described.

First - 6 questions seems like a lot for a consumer polygraph. I've always heard that these tests were limited to 3 or 4 questions, or they reduce accuracy dramatically unless split up into more than one test with time between.

Second - I've never heard of "intent" being a polygraph-type of question. Polygraphs are generally utilized to determine "did or didn't" types of questions, not emotions or intentions.

Still, I hope this test gave you something valuable to work with in your decision process.

I, too, am a proponent of polygraphs as one tool in a bag of tools. They are useful in a number of ways.

All the information I have is that questions are limited to 3 or 4. The polygraph examiner I used preferred 3 but consented to 4. The questions had to be formulated so they could only be answered with a "yes" or a "no".

The exam was done at the examiners office in a room devoid of stimuli. The examiner talks in a monotone. The 3 or 4 questions are asked 3 times in different sequences with a few surprise ones thrown in by the examiner. My XWW knew what all of the questions were going to be because they were discussed before the exam with me in the room. I left the building while the exam was on and came back at a designated time.

I've never heard of a poly such as you've described, depressedhusband.

I am a proponent of polygraphs, but something seems a little strange about the one you described.

Me too. It sounds like the OP was present for the test - "It was hard to hear these answers and see how she reacted during the test."

That was a NO for me when my wife took a polygraph, I was not allowed in the room. OP are you talking about her reaction after the test?

OP wrote:

I couldn’t be in the room but he filmed it for me to see and gave me the report as well. He told me that it would be better if I sat outside while he was doing the polygraph so he could get better results.

I wish I had read about you getting a polygraph and provided input on what a poly looks like, how it's carried out, etc. What you've described doesn't sound very professional to me.

Hey guys. Just want to clarify a couple of things. The examiner came recommended by a friend who had a similar experience. They are good friends from what I understand. He made certain recommendations similar to what you are saying but we asked for some “changes” as he called it. He agrees to do them because my wife also agreed with it. Like asking some additional questions, having my wife being filmed (using our own camera) during the exam. He didn’t recommend any of that and did say it would make the test more difficult. He did because I was kind of insistent since I couldn’t be in the room while it was being done. The questions while more he did help phrase them that I could an answer that could be read. He said I was asking questions in a way could not properly be read by the machine. Seeing some of these comments I may look into another examiner after the holidays and take a second look. Thanks for the feedback.

this tester is correct. questions have to be worded the right

way to get the best results.

Where do you go from here?

Your spouse was getting something out of this EA otherwise it would not have continued for years.

I initially believed the OW initiated the affair. My H was very willing to let me believe that. Until (in revenge mode) she sent me the emails between them. And I saw how he suggested they meet to discuss “a spreadsheet” at a bar with WiFi.

It was clear he was the one who started the entire affair.

So I doubt your wife wasn’t a very willing participant in this EA. Even if now she can see it in a different light or perspective— no one forced her to participate. She could have blocked the AP easily.

Has intimacy returned to your relationship? How is that being handled by each of you?