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I was never punched or slapped etc, but I was grabbed by the throat,

That last bit terrifies me. The stats I have heard in training on the likelihood of an abuser willing to go for the throat are grim.

I will provide a thought on parallels here-

When a WS (like myself) goes about altering their life’s course they dig into whys. I can honestly tell you that my short temper has practically vanished in the 2 years I’ve been working on personal growth.

I would suggest that until WS can explain WHY he feels these behaviors are necessary or effective despite evidence to the contrary, he is not likely to alter them.

That last bit terrifies me. The stats I have heard in training on the likelihood of an abuser willing to go for the throat are grim.

It needs to be said - 750% more likely to be killed by your spouse according to Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention.

WTBH, I know that you did not give details on that incident, if he placed his hands on your neck, whether he pressed down, whether there were marks or not... But the fact that it happened at all is terrible, dangerous, and unacceptable. Doesn't matter if he was intoxicated or what. It should've never happened and it needs to never happen again. Next time he could kill you even by accident by pressing a little too hard for a little too long in the heat of the moment. Just because he's sober now doesn't mean he'll stay that way. Just because he's trying now doesn't mean he will keep at it. If he's yelling at all and giving in to using fear as a form of punishment, he has not changed enough to be safe from relapsing and hurting you even worse next time.

Your children have separated parents is infinitely better than having one dead parent and the other incarcerated.

Yep, these situations are tough for sure. You have commented that you are safe and this is in the past, which is a great thing. As others have said, family counseling would be good. Also, make sure the lines of communication are open... maybe by spending time specifically with each child.. a date night for each one , or special time in the house where they might be willing to open up. Bedtime is when my kids always shared information with me. Wow, how I miss those days and could have them back. I would recommend getting a counselor's opinion on some things to help lead the way. God bless.

I’m a former cop and as such specialized in dealing with domestic abuse. Grabbing by the throat is not a small step or insignificant action. DV starts with intimidation.

I’m all for yelling and discipline....

I’m all for discipline. My kids knew what not meeting my requirements meant. But yelling… No… Plus your kids have witnessed your husband behave in a way that made them feel a need to call the police, and their dad has a temper around them…

How do you think they experience the yelling? Do they feel threatened? Think they feel safe?

How do you think they will behave to their significant other? Or their kids in the future?

You guys won’t forget this. You can’t rug sweep this. Your family needs HELP to deal with this. Starting with your husband realizing that control over the family through moods, anger and yelling isn’t control – it’s bullying.

Yelling and hitting are not normal. I work with troubled kids. Guess what they grew up with.

What you are describing is domestic abuse. Period

Being this dad's anger issues make him unable to discipline

his children he needs to let his wife handle the discipline.

I'm utterly stunned that you think yelling is even ok. It's not. I grew up with horrible abuse, physical, sexual, and psychological. With that said, I can understand that something like "just yelling" doesn't seem like abuse compared to the level of abuse I grew up with. When I was in the military, my roommate threw my alarm clock and some of my personal effects out the window. I picked her up and started to throw HER out the window. We were on the second floor. My unit sent me to anger management. Best thing I ever experienced. I truly had no concept of what wasn't acceptable. Did she deserve consequences, absolutely, but not a broken leg if I'd succeeded tossing her out the window.

Please listen to every single poster on here when they are telling you that he is still abusive and still a danger to your and your children's well being. Emotional well being is just as important as physical. You don't see the abuse because you don't yet have a realistic view of what isn't acceptable. The boys are grown now. Yes, I've raised my voice with them an octave, but I've never yelled at them. Not once because there just isn't justification for yelling at a child. Compound that with them witnessing your abuse, and it amplifies what he's doing is wrong and still abusive. Children should not have to live in fear.

I'm utterly stunned that you think yelling is even ok. It's not. I grew up with horrible abuse, physical, sexual, and psychological. With that said, I can understand that something like "just yelling" doesn't seem like abuse compared to the level of abuse I grew up with. When I was in the military, my roommate threw my alarm clock and some of my personal effects out the window. I picked her up and started to throw HER out the window. We were on the second floor. My unit sent me to anger management. Best thing I ever experienced. I truly had no concept of what wasn't acceptable. Did she deserve consequences, absolutely, but not a broken leg if I'd succeeded tossing her out the window.

Please listen to every single poster on here when they are telling you that he is still abusive and still a danger to your and your children's well being. Emotional well being is just as important as physical. You don't see the abuse because you don't yet have a realistic view of what isn't acceptable. The boys are grown now. Yes, I've raised my voice with them an octave, but I've never yelled at them. Not once because there just isn't justification for yelling at a child. Compound that with them witnessing your abuse, and it amplifies what he's doing is wrong and still abusive. Children should not have to live in fear.