I wish I had books and articles for you, but if you type, "the fallacy of unmet needs" into your browser, you'll find one editorial and a bunch of stuff regarding geriatric issues. If you add the words, "in marriage", you'll find that one editorial again and a bunch of links which support that skeezy bit of pop-psy. As I told you earlier, it's still a popular model, still taught at universities, and still published by many "experts". At this point, I'm wondering if I should write my own book, because I KNOW it's bullshit. I know it because I've lived it, and because I've spent 17 years studying infidelity.
Like I said earlier, it sounds good on paper. It seems to make so much sense. People get unhappy with whatever they're missing at home and they seek to replace it out in the world. But that doesn't account for the thousands of otherwise GOOD marriages where there weren't problems and no one could say their needs went "unmet". It doesn't account for the escalation of risky behavior as the cheater becomes accustomed to the biochemical cocktail of adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin, etc. It can't explain why some people cheat but others don't. But worst of all, it excuses the behavior as if there could be ANY valid reason to abuse and traumatize one's partner.
Ten years before my WH's Craigslist binge, it all seemed to make sense to me. He told me he didn't feel appreciated and that he felt disconnected. He told me he felt like he was "just a paycheck on legs" and that we weren't having enough sex and that it wasn't as passionate as he wanted. He said he didn't feel like anyone was listening to him, etc. So, I dutifully translated all that into "unmet needs". It seemed reasonable. Who else was he supposed to go to for those things, right? His only available outlet for sex, connection, appreciation, companionship, etc. was supposed to be me. Never mind that back in those days, he came in from work most days not wanting to talk to anyone and instead taking a nap, that he didn't participate in any kind of family or school activities with the kids, let alone any kind of date night. I went everywhere alone or with the kids and it wasn't because he wasn't welcome, it was because he couldn't be bothered. And as far as sex was concerned, we were having regular sex but back in those days, he had really bad PE, and as far as I knew, never even talked to his doctor about it.
But I took all that data, translated it into "unmet needs" and upped my wife game. Feel free to read "did the pick-me polka". For a couple of years, he responded to that really well. But what most of these experts don't tell us is that a near miss like that, where you get really close to divorce and then decide to stay together, can cause a new infatuation with lots of hysterical bonding. Just like any infatuation though, the shelf life is about two years. Still, things were cooking along okay. I kept my changes even while he was reverting back to his old ways, going online behind my back to look at porn, flirting with women at work, and searching for potential affair partners. Things I found out later when I busted him with his Craiglist partners.
Turns out, "unmet needs" were never the problem. He was bored... and entitled. He was literally looking for reasons to have a grievance at that point. His temper had become short, and by then it seemed like he did nothing but bitch and complain and irritate our teen-aged kids. Frankly, there's only so much of that a person can take before they withdraw. At that point, I was spending very little time with him and what time I spent seemed like it was always about putting out fires. There was still sex and still catering to his "needs" in terms of cooking and washing up, but I couldn't stand toe to toe with the negativity anymore... and that was all he needed to build his resentments up to the point of acting on them. One could say that his "needs" for attention and flattery were going "unmet" at that point, right? But he had made it an impossibility by then. So, what that told me is that even if he had "needs", he either didn't want me filling them or I couldn't fill them. Which brings us to neuroscience.
I have actually watched an incident of my WH interacting on a porn site with other women. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. His whole body was tense like there was electricity running through it, hands just a bit shaky, pupils dilated. It's the effects of dopamine and adrenaline on the body and not too different from the way cocaine works. There's nothing in the substance itself which causes the high. It's how it binds the dopamine transporters so the body is infused with collected amounts of dopamine. This kind of risky, illicit behavior works the same way. The bored cheater finds excitement and the reward center of the brain is pleasured by it. In time, it takes more risk to get the same effect, so maybe he starts talking on the phone, and then makes plans to meet up. There's an escalation. In affairs, add in the cuddle hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, which encourage pair bonding and increased attachment. So, what does that have to do with "unmet needs"?... nothing. Which means that "unmet needs" can't explain it.
Now, there are some people, and my WH is certainly one of them, who have an unhealthy "need" for external validation. But here's the bad news on that. After so many years together, familiarity breeds contempt. Validation from a spouse doesn't get the job done, because this unhealthy need is more like the risky behavior we talked about above in that it demands the biochemical payoff. Flattery from the old familiar spouse is nice and all, but it doesn't rev up the dopamine the way it does if it comes from a stranger, particularly from a stranger who might be a potential sex partner. You see how that works? There are some needs, unhealthy needs, that we can't oblige no matter how much we might want to.
When it comes to "unmet needs", the goal-posts are always moving... and some are impossible for a mere spouse to meet. And the more you think about that the less sense it makes as an explanation for adultery. Like my WH, I only had one place to go for sex, opposite-sex companionship, intimate connection, etc. That's marriage, right? Being those things for your partner. But he wasn't providing those things for me, not really. Sex was about ten minutes in duration and he was too bitchy and uninterested to be a companion or confidante. So, not only are the goal posts moving, sometimes your WS is blocking them like he's a goalie for the Boston Bruins. But I didn't cheat... and he did.
So, why is that? It's not like I never had motive, means, or opportunity through the years. But I don't look at other men as romantic/sexual possibilities. I remember working a waitress job part-time in the evenings when my kids were really small, and another waitress coming up to me gushing about how there was this super good-looking guy at one of my tables. So, I took his food out to him and sure enough, he was a true hunk, like Hollywood, male model gorgeous. And I hadn't even noticed before it was pointed out to me. THAT's how married I am. But one doesn't even have to be blinded by their own wedding ring to have tall boundaries. There are lots of people who do look and who appreciate the aesthetics of beauty, but never act on it. And it's easy to see what we have in common.. we VALUE our word and our beliefs. We believe that once the vow of fidelity is given, it MUST be upheld. There's no wiggle room on that. The boundaries fall into place, surrounding the core value/belief, and our actions reflect it. If we look, we look with our eyes, not with our hands and certainly never with our genitals.
What's left then is that there are some people, a lot of people even, who's word is NOT their bond. Cheating is NOT against their character because their core belief in fidelity has an out clause. It's got a "but...". Their adherence to fidelity is conditional. Mine isn't. The "unmet needs" folks would have us believe that anyone can cheat, that we're all capable of throwing our values away and diving off the high board right into the adultery pool, that all it takes is the right sort of provocation. But that doesn't explain how MY needs have gone unmet or why I don't go around assessing the possibility of romantic/sexual attraction in my daily life. And I'm NOT an aberration. You're surrounded in this forum by "never woulds" who likely number in the thousands. The difference is character, and I define that by how we relate to and uphold our core values and beliefs. Do our stated values match our deeds? In cheaters, they don't. The cheater vows fidelity, but has sexual congress with an interloper. They promise honesty, but then lie right to our faces about where they were or who they were with. I'm not capable of that. And I'm not the only one.
The more you wrestle with the "unmet needs" methodology, the more you find lacking. The entire premise suggests that we should be able to control our spouse, that we can provide all his/her needs, real or imagined, and guarantee that we won't become a victim. But it's just not true. We can't see into other people's heads and know their true thoughts. We can't be new again, providing the biochemical cocktail of risk and/or infatuation. We're not a smorgasbord of pussy or a dick buffet.
Human beings aren't born in pairs, and I'm not talking about twins who are two complete people. None of us are born as one half of a whole is a better way to put it. We don't need another person to complete us. That's Jerry Maguire, not real life. Healthy adults see to their own needs. If we're married and we have one-stop shopping for things like sex, companionship, emotional connection, we identify the problem and we negotiate solutions. If it can't be repaired, we end that relationship with dignity. It's when our needs are unhealthy that we get into trouble. An unhealthy need for external validation or an unhealthy need for sexual conquest aren't things we can supply to a partner, even if we're willing to do so. It take a new swizzle-stick to stir up that particular biochemical cocktail, right? This kind of unhealthy "need" typically needs treatment to resolve, or at least a mega-dose of introspection, self-honesty, and perseverance.
Cheaters are Narcissus at the pool. It's not really the AP which is so enticing. It's the way the AP reflects their desires back to them like a mirror. The cheater sees what he WANTS to see. My WH didn't see a dumpy housewife cheating on her own husband or himself as a balding, middle-aged cliche. His flattery was reflected back to him and it filled the void, his "need" for external validation and admiration. The more he poured out, the more he got in return. I'm sure it seemed to him that it would go on like that forever, but it's temporary just like any other infatuation period. Real life asserts itself, the fantasy is broken. The cheater struggles against it because those biochemical cocktails kept them high. But in the end, that doesn't last either. Eventually, a cheating pair who decides to be together would have to navigate real life, and only a very rare few can manage it.
I'm not saying that people can't change and learn how to overcome "unhealthy needs" or learn to really honor their core values. It's completely possible. But the cheater has to really want it though, more than anything, and they can't do that when they're busy blaming their marriage or their spouse for their choices. It takes a lot of really humbling introspection to correct something like that. Most people will need guidance through therapy, although some can manage it on their own. And I do think that it's a fairly rare thing if I'm honest. People don't like to think of themselves as having poor character. It's so much easier to think that they're good people who just made bad choices. That's not much impetus to strip down your character and take an unguarded look at what's inside though, is it?
Anyway, I've written another tome. Sorry. Just trust yourself. Question everything. Take things out past their logical conclusion and into the ridiculous. When you do that with the unmet needs fallacy, you see pretty quickly that it's bullshit. My WH has a "need" for me to prepare his food. But where does that stop? Should I chew it for him like a naked Ferengi female? And if I don't, wouldn that mean that he can get food from another woman who IS willing to chew his food like a naked Fernegi? Does that include sex though? What he's missing is food, right? lovingly prepared and presented just the way he wants it. So... how did his pants come off? You see what I mean. Test to the extremes of your imagination. Some things will make sense to you, others won't. Trust yourself.
