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What do you do/think/react after your cheating partner says "I wasted the best years of my life with you"?

I would leave. Immediately. End of story. No further questions asked. I'd pack my bags and get the fuck out. It would not matter one fucking iota if the statement was true or not. There's no going back from something like that.

If my husband said that to me, my response would be very quiet and purposeful.

I would walk away, begin packing without speaking.

I would leave.

And I would send him one last message: "All future contact will be via my attorney. I will never waste another moment."

Dear, dear man: you have endured enough. You may not be able to envision what the future for you and your children will be, you may fear poverty and emotional fallout. There are risks, but I suspect you over estimate them. Please, man, don’t waste your life on this. Your one precious, wild, short life. Please.

Backfromthestorm, if you had been following OP's posts from the start, knew what his wife has done to him and his children, and still came away thinking she didn't hate him, then I shudder to contemplate what his wife would have to do to make you think that she did hate him.

I did not, hence I did not have that perspective.

So she is in the dehumanization / devaluation phase. Usually that is active when the WS is working to replace their partner and tries to discharge their shame and guilt as a baggage to the old relationship.

In betrayals the emotional state of the partners is always more complex than in other kind of conflicts, it can be she truly hates him, it can be as well she hates herself and what she has done and projects it to him.

For Clarity, I do not defend the actions of the Wayward partner, they are awful this is undisputed by both BS and reformed WS. Having been in the OP shoes I know how it feels, he cannot see this perspective right now, too much of an emotional storm, but it can help: Betrayals is a unique kind of pain, it does not "add to your reality"like other traumas, it "shatters it completely" takes away, is "ambiguous loss", turns the pillars of you reality into dust (you wonder if it was any of it real).

This is why the BS tends to turn the blame to themselves.

The WS attacks on his worth are cruel, killing a dead man, possibly not to hurt him more (he is already on the ground) but to make her feel better about her choices.

And psychologically, when we humans want to hurt someone deeply, we lash out such attacks and watch the reaction. Is the reaction that communicates you you have hit the mark. That the attack was true or made up does matter little to nothing here. Is how you react that validates or not the truth of an emotional attack.

If you feel need to excuse of defend then you automatically validate it, implicitly accepting their thesis.

My advice is to not react, laugh it off, make fun of it, you will disarm her.

Still implement the CONSEQUENCES as you were advised to.

REACTION =/= RESPONSE

- Reaction = emotional vs an emotional attack (Attack "I wasted the best years of my life with you!" - Reaction "how dare you?" 'feels hurt')

- Response = indifference/ mockery + consequences vs an emotional attack ( Attack "I wasted the best years of my life with you!" - Response "Lucky I do not have to witness the worst! I can only imagine the shitshow! 'laughing it off or blowing it up to ridiculous, comical proportions', + consequences = present her stuff packed up ready to leave, divorce papers, etc)

That's what I meant.

The WS here is not acting like an adult, is acting like a child throwing a tantrum (with all the real damage an unstable adult can cause).

So do not treat them like an adult, treat them like the clown they are being now, that will hit harder than any counterargument (she is not driven by reason right now anyway)

(pS. if you think about is the 180, it is the natural response. There is nothing to save from this emotional state, only the BS dignity. 180, stop caring about her (at least make her feel so), focus on you and respond with consequences, but with calm, like she is just an annoying pest, because right now she is behaving as such)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:43 AM, Friday, January 16th]

Back from the storm- the dehumanizing state is a stage. This woman I suspect does not have another mode of operation. She is not a run of the mill ws and often has the sounds of a cluster b personality disorder. She allowed her ap to abuse their son for example. I don’t think this is likey fixable. He has stayed for their children and at times has been in house separated from her. I am guessing the way he feels upset right now that perhaps that had been put aside. He hasn’t really said.

Back from the storm- the dehumanizing state is a stage. This woman I suspect does not have another mode of operation. She is not a run of the mill ws and often has the sounds of a cluster b personality disorder. She allowed her ap to abuse their son for example. I don’t think this is likey fixable. He has stayed for their children and at times has been in house separated from her. I am guessing the way he feels upset right now that perhaps that had been put aside. He hasn’t really said.

Yes devaluation / dehumanization is usually a stage when a partner is trying to justify the replacement of their betrayed partner.

I see there is more backstory to it and likely more issue.

Still the 180 is best for the BS here, train to not care, not react, enforce conseuqence and start living his life to the fullest

(is a kinder way to give a middle finger to this unremorseful WS, you cannot fix a person who does not want to be fixed)

She allowed her ap to abuse their son for example

How is this AP still walking around on his legs?

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:42 PM, Friday, January 16th]

He is well past the stage of the 180 being of any use and there is no peace, no harmony, and no making a better life for himself while living with an emotional and spiritual assassin like this woman.

It doesn’t look like OP is coming back to respond, which is unfortunate.

He is well past the stage of the 180 being of any use and there is no peace, no harmony, and no making a better life for himself while living with an emotional and spiritual assassin like this woman.

It doesn’t look like OP is coming back to respond, which is unfortunate.

Got it Blue.

I like to think he is serving her papers to get rid of her

Mr. H has a SAHM, 5 offspring, and is sole $$ for all of them.

My take is he is plotting his course of action to keep the 5 offspring in a home and fed.

He was in military service - and such service conditions a person to accept bad things can happen to you as well as around you.

Not sure about his experience with women but surmise the view he has or had is not what his spouse had turned into.

Posting here is, I think, him asking for sanity check on how to interpret his ongoing crappy wife, her words, her marital transgression.

- lessor of the evil choices he has is staying in house and supporting the offspring and enduring the hateful mother of his children.

I'm sure he will be back - but not sure on the when -

I would show her the door, if you haven't already.

While I agree that people sometimes say things to hurt others, that doesn't make them untrue. I think people are more likely to reveal how they really feel when their emotions high, they are agitated and activated.

Male cheaters blame their partners just as much as female cheaters. I think that's pretty universal. Honestly, I think females get most of the blame regardless of which side they're one. If they are cheated on, they must've not been a good wife. If they cheat, they're sluts, floosies, loose, immoral, etc.

I don't say things I don't mean. I also don't say everything I think. My H says I don't have a filter. I say that I do have a filter, so imagine how it would be if I actually didn't.