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I don’t believe humans are "naturally" monogamous

I guess what I mean by that probably came more from the female perspective.
-most females report needing emotional connection to feel like having physical intimacy.
-we bare children and in the traditional sense have been conditioned to believe that you have them with a husband or at least a partner you intend to have for the long term.
-we are conditioned through the way when we’re parented that good girls don’t, and save it for marriage, and when it comes to peers we are shamed for being promiscuous where as boys tend to be hero’s.
- and when a female cheats they are more likely to be divorces than when a man does.

My husband has seen me with other people. I have seen him with other people. I ended that not because it bothered me to see him with others, it actually didn’t in the least. It bothered me to be with others. That’s why I feel that monogamy is more natural for me and probably a majority of women.

And what I didn’t say but had meant to is that in all reality, if you fully invest in your monogamous relationship, the rewards of that are far greater than what you could achieve otherwise.

As far as in cultures where multiple wives or polyamory is norm, the rewards can still be there because it’s simply more like a bigger family unit where a long term investment can occur as long as everyone is open, consenting, and no lies are occurring.

I guess what I mean by that probably came more from the female perspective.

It is natural because women invest way more into mating. Childbirth was a potential risk of death in human history. Bearing and nurturing children means your access to resources is both reduced while the need is increased.

Is vulnerability.

Monogamy secures you a partner that actually care for your wellbeing and for your offspring. One partner means less risk to get a sexual transmissible disease (killing millions in the past)

Female with monogamous tendencies survived better than promiscuous, so they passed on their genes.

But monogamy is natural for males too.

Yes we are more "predators" in the sense that even suboptimal females can be good for sex, is a way to pass on your genes, we do not risk pregnancy. But you do not stay with those. You want to stay with a partner who truly matters.

And when that's on the menu, you do not want to eat anything outside.

Again these traits were most successful because the committed couples lived longer (they still do today), were healthier (still valid today), had a more successful offspring (still verifiable today) so they have been selected for success.

The monogamous female does want a monogamous male.

The promiscuity is plan B for both. For men is obvious. For females was ensuring a backup in case the plan A failed or the plan A died. TO keep the offspring safe (of the plan A) they were ready to bounce to plan B if their partner died, so Plan B, C, D etc would take care of the offspring at the reward of having a female to reproduce (and they likely had a pull towards monogamy with her).

It is normal for guys to frack around until they commit to one. It is normal for girls to keep around male "friends" just in case.

When both find a stable relationship those behaviors are generally put aside. Unless in the cases of issues that we face here, promiscuity is forgotten until the union is stable, likely for the rest of the life (assuming no partner dies young).

If the couple was broken due to death or tragic incidents, then the surviving partner (male or female) returns to the backup behavior, isolation is not a good thing for human health and vitality.

But it will always try to secure another plan A, not indulge forever in the Plan B if the individual is healthy (emotionally mature).

So we have a bit of both, Promiscuity and monogamy, with the second being the most desirable for survival and thriving. We move through those stages, polygamy will always make you feel the need to pick one, is just too expensive to be sustainable as a relationship matrix.

Cheating in this scenario, simply brings the plan B before the plan A, breaks the plan A, betrayal reduces livelihood, life expectancy and survival chances.

That's why it is painful. For both, as the Wayward often realizes soon or later that they messed up plan A for plan B and now it's hard to get back there.

Is nt only females who care the most hiking, males care for it too, is just different approaches but we both crave the same.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:29 PM, Friday, February 20th]

Moral integrity. That is what keeps people on the right path.

I read an interview with the singer Joni Mitchell once and the following part stuck with me:

"I recently read an article in Esquire magazine called ‘The End of Sex,’ that said something that struck me as very true. It said: "If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one." What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over.
You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it."

I think what you lose by cheating is what you would otherwise gain from doing it right.