SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m am sorry for the pain and suffering you are facing right now.

I’m answer to your question, yes your cheating wife may be in love with the other man (OM) right now.

But remember affairs are built in fantasy. They are not real because cheaters are not dealing in the real world. The one filled with bills and illness and parents and kids and pets and grocery shopping etc.

In my opinion affairs are an escape. An escape from reality. The every day "boring" life and the person they married who is "terrible". They will use any means to justify an affair. Even blaming the betrayed spouse.

My H was kicking me to the curb during his midlife crisis affair. She was 20+ years younger and the complete opposite of what he would be interested in. She wasn’t pretty or in good shape or anything special. She was needy, clingy & a drama queen who liked to display her assets by wearing too small shirts so everything hung out.

On dday2 after months of false Reconciliation I was left w/ no choice but to D him. Suddenly the affair is over. He’s ended it. (Fortunately we have happily reconciled).

But very often the affair is just a game to cheaters. Once you "set your wife free" the OM may disappear. He’s in it for the drama and fun — he doesn’t want a real relationship. He doesn’t want all the responsibility of a relationship out in the open.

And then the cheating spouse comes crawling back b/c there is nowhere else to go.

Nothing in your marriage will change unless you change. I learned that the hard way. But I can tell you I went from being a doormat to a badass.

My H is now afraid I will D him. He knows I will no longer tolerate any lying, disrespect, betrayal, not sticking to your word etc.

You will survive this. We all do. Even if your marriage fails I believe you can still be happy — because you will choose to be happy.

What helped me most was professional counseling. Maybe you want to consider it.

There’s something called "limerence" which people experiencing it often confuse for love. It’s not, though, it’s more like an obsession. It’s worth googling, it make help you make sense of what’s going on with her. But to The1stWife’s point, it amounts to feeling "in love" with the idea of a person, not the actual person. That’s why so many relationships that start as affairs fail. At some point, they realize that the person isn’t who they thought they were.

Go for exposure if you’re not ready for the Sandwich Speech. Hire a PI to find the OBS if you can’t do it online. Get in touch with her ASAP.

More extreme: consider reporting them to HR. Whatever they’re doing is against company policies for sure, and they’re probably abusing expense accounts to prosecute an affair. That’ll make her mad no doubt, but it also might be the cold shower of reality that she needs.

Thank you for that insight into love versus the idea of love. I was also about to ask about whether affairs typically turn into something long term once exposed versus the other half never knowing. But both of you addressed that for me in advance, so again - thank you.

I took my kids today and visited my Mom and brother in Oklahoma. I had made it a point to break the news to my mom last night b/c I didn't want to have to do it in person and/or in front of my kids. That convo was of course brutal and embarrassing. After having sobbed like a baby for 30 or so minutes I felt relief. The comfort and compassion coming from someone who loves you unconditionally is priceless. So when we arrived today, the visit was all about the kids and their grandma and uncle loving on them like they normally do and without any distractions. A perfect visit and I felt somewhat normal for the first time this week. Hopefully that narrative will continue as the night goes on.

I have read everyone's feedback multiple times and while it hurts so deeply, I do u/s that my M is very likely over. I haven't yet asked my WS to give up the affair (not sure if I will) b/c a) I can't take another dagger to the heart and b) I am sure that I already know her answer based on the choices she's made thus far, her unwillingness to go to counseling with me, her lack of want to, to make changes or put in the work, and total disregard for my feelings.

I'm now at a point where I desperately need to figure things out - start a roadmap in a way. I will be consulting with a physician on Monday to see if I can get something to help w/the anxiety. So I'm good there. I don't find myself depressed, just super anxious and hurting, so I don't think I need anti-depressants, but we'll see what happens. My mom gave me some light dose prescription pills to help w/sleep, of which I will try tonight as I'm running on fumes. As for the "something else" as it pertains to the M, I am at a crossroad that I can't bear to look at or think about. Do I simply file to set the tone that I'm not playing around? Do I agree to the separation to ease into the transition that eventually leads to divorce? Of course, my WS would love the idea of a separation so that she can continue the affair while not feeling guilty, looking like the bad guy or taking any accountability. That's the only reason why I hate the idea of agreeing - I don't want her to continue winning. She's going to go into the separation with a loaded deck - having someone already in the wings waiting. I, however, will be entering separation alone, with nobody to confide in. With nobody to lean on. I fear that the anticipated loneliness and potential for depression to ultimately set in at some point. I can and will focus on my body and mind - through the gym and counseling, but what about all of the other downtime? How do I even meet people? I'm 49 and virtually everyone I know is a parent to one of my kids' friends and of course, still married to their respective spouses. I, will be the odd man out. I am too old to be starting over. In fact, I don't even want to think about starting over, dating or even talking to anyone else at this point. I'm pulling the cart before the horse here, I know I am. My mind is just all over the place. I will focus on the rest of the night and go from there. I still have 4 more days of my WS being away with business w/her co-worker that I can't stop thinking about.

There are "rules" about dating after divorce. My question is…why can’t you? Old song lyric, whatever gets you through the night. The only reason I am posting this is your sentence mentioning this. Of course you are not going to date tonight, or next week, or, or, or. But you might have a friend, or friends to be with. Don’t jump feet first but don’t shut the door. You need a hand to hold. It could be strangers, or your moms. Whatever gets you through the night.

And why do you think your life is over? Have you paid any attention to the soccer/football visitors here? We all, American and foreigners, found out how much fun is out there, how many good, decent people are out there. Go find some. Start walking, hiking, biking, golfing, gardening, anything. You are only limited by your self imposed rules.

She has broken your heart, but with time you can mend it. So get some help from your dr for anxiety. Get some sleep. Eat healthy. And stay away from alcohol and other drugs.

I going to post from my experience. I’m hoping it helps you.

You need to be prepared for the potential outcome of the conversation I think you need to have.

Option A - she’s a stone cold person who doesn’t care she’s hurting you. Most likely will continue to cheat.

Option B - she’s going to deny "anything is going on" and play the liar game while she continues he’s to cheat.

Option C - she needs time to get her exit strategy in place so will lie and tell you she wants to Reconcile.

Option D - she wants to Reconcile but will do minimal work and expects you to rug sweep and "move forward" and "not live in the past" meaning there is NO DISCUSSION about it whatsoever.

Option E - she actually is remorseful and wants to Reconcile and does the work.

If YOU are prepared for all of those options it will help you mentally and emotionally. Knowing your next steps based on the situation (discussion or no discussion) will help you in many ways.

However being in limbo (where you are now) is torture for you. Your life is hanging in the balance and you are dealing with someone who has the attitude that "they deserve to be happy" and justifies the cheating.

It’s exactly where I was for months. Too many months. I held down the fort - kids, house, job etc. while my husband paraded his affair practically in front of me. He didn’t care I was suffering, crying every day, losing weight I couldn’t afford to lose etc. In his mind he "deserved to be happy" no matter who he hurt.

If you see the conversation with your cheating wife is going nowhere, then end it. If she’s lying to you (and you know it) you need to stop trying and be brave enough to say that you were expecting her to be honest with you, but there is no point in continuing the conversation if she’s just going to lie.

I know how hard this is. But I can tell you I survived it. How? By having an exit strategy just in case. I didn’t want to D but I also had to make a choice to put me & kids first. I could not continue to be lied to, disrespected, on an emotional rollercoaster with him wanting a D, then changing his mind, etc.

Dday2 when I found out he was still cheating while I thought we were Reconciling was a game changer. He saw a side of me I’m certain he wish he never did. I did the hard 180. I refused to speak to him. I kicked him to the curb. I was done!

He still thought he was calling the shots after Dday2. He still thought he could lie and manipulate me. One word was the game changer.

The word No. I told him no. And I left the room. I was no longer discussing anything with him. Suddenly I held all the cards and he had no clue what that meant. Or what to do. But he knew he was on his own and I was no longer concerned about him.

I survived the brink of D because I had an excellent counselor who helped me prepare for D. Even he realized I was in a no-win situation and I could not stay married to a liar and cheater.

What I learned is I am stronger than I think. I used to think I was soooo lucky to have such a great guy — now I realize he was lucky to have me.

I am living a good life — happily reconciled. But I know I can be happy with him or without him. Because I choose to put myself first - not him, not the marriage. I went from a doormat for 25 years to somewhat of a badass.

And I still don’t do his laundry or run his errands or the gazillon other things I used to do for him. And he’s perfectly ok with that.