SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As F'd up as your situation is, I did have to laugh at the toilet drama. Does she expect you to use toilet paper he already wiped his ass with too?

TCMM:

I pray for you every day, and I pray for the kid's advocate too, that she will see the truth, give you full custody of the kids, and cut WW loose to go live in the trailer park with OM. Cause she's beyond help at this time, but there is no reason the kids have to go down that damn rabbit hole.

I second what the previous poster said about doing as much research as you can on fathers' rights.

This will be the most important project of your life. Work hard to make it a successful one. Research, study, ask questions and get that pit bull of a lawyer you've been talking about.

(Ps. I'm not crazy about "battle" metaphors because they tend to stir up too much emotion when cool logic will better serve you.)

I pray for you ... that you have the strength to keep fighting this battle with as much vigor as you do now. The new attorney may be a wonderful addition.

WW is losing her mind ... slowly but surely ... to even suggest the toilet on the side of the road? Come on! Such drama!

I'm proud of how you are keeping yourself together. Good for you!

As a side note ...

Does she expect you to use toilet paper he already wiped his ass with too

libbycat -- too funny!

You should ask her if she happened to notice if there was any paneling and orange shag carpet near the used toilet. Maybe she is getting used to trailer house decor... Avocado appliances, shiny foil wallpaper. Do you know what a redneck divorce and a trailer have in common? Someone is going to lose a trailer...

I want to ditto what Melbourne says. You engage with her because you hope that with your logic or sarcastic remarks she will somehow "wake up". Or because you're lonely and fighting is better than nothing. Or for some other reason.

It's a lost cause. DETACH. (From an earlier post-Don't Even Think About Changing Her.) Focus on moving forward and your kids and your friends IRL. Let all this minor shit roll off of your back.

As I said before, praying for you every day.

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:29 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

So hypothetically, she has to pay $8500 just to walk away from the house.

If she has such shitty credit...is her name on the title? If so, then you are probably paying a much higher interest rate than if you had gotten the loan by yourself...

Don't give her shit! Just give your lawyer the information and let him use it in your best interests.

Now, I would imagine that the other attorney will demand their own appraisal (at a minimum), and I am actually curious if an appraisal is really good for anything as far as determining joint liabilities/assets. You might have to put the house up for sale, if for no other reason than to determine a real market value...

Would love to know how that works if anyone has been through that.

So hypothetically, she has to pay $8500 just to walk away from the house.

Now, I would imagine that the other attorney will demand their own appraisal (at a minimum), and I am actually curious if an appraisal is really good for anything as far as determining joint liabilities/assets. You might have to put the house up for sale, if for no other reason than to determine a real market value...

We had our lawyers agree that a realtor, chosen by both of us, could set the market value. That value was determined to be the price at which the buyout was established. My XWH has psychological problems and it turned into a nightmare, too long to relate, although if you are in this situation I would be glad to tell the story. Long story short, we had a court appointed "master" sell b/c I took him to court on contempt of court as he refused to buy me out and sabotaged the sale of the house. The profit was split (and on my part handed straight over to my lawyer).

TCMM - I think you are doing fine re the contact. The no-contact rule is more important in those situations where the BS is still emotionally clinging to the marriage.

I think it's pretty clear that you are WAY past that point.

Using "contact" with her to advance a positive outcome in the dissolution/divorce is all good, IMO.

TCMM:

I am sorry you're having to go through all this.

About the Asperger's DX:

My son has AS. I would encourage you to call the pediatrician yourself and get the information straight from him.

One poster mentioned her child having AS and described speech delays and arm waving. My son does none of those things; however, he picks up on very few social cues, talks in a non-stop voice at people (little/no verbal reciprocity), etc.

AS kids are all over the map with their different issues (my son has sensory issues, fine/gross motor delays, etc). Most have average to above-average intelligence. In addition, many, if not most, AS kids have periods of time called "meltdowns" - which is like the mother of all tantrums on steroids. There is nothing like them.

It took us nearly a year to get a correct diagnosis. He sees a pediatrician, a neurologist, a psychologist, and occupational therapist.

Hang in there. Call the doctor. I'm a little skeptical about how there seems to be (and maybe it's just the post) an instant AS diagnosis. I believe most parents of Aspies would tell you it took a lot for them to get that diagnosis -- and that's after knowing for quite some time that something's not quite right.

Feel free to PM me if you need more information. Oasis is a great online resource for AS info. It's aspergerssyndrome.org You could check the information there and see if it fits with what you have going on with your son.

Good luck. I know how difficult it is to deal with a special needs child and a divorce at the same time. Hang in there.

My son's best friend has Aspergers and other than having a loud monotone way of talking and not looking people in the eye: he's a bright, funny and good natured kid. I enjoy having him around and my son has a great time with him (I can hear them laughing nonstop the entire time his friend is here).

As far as the house, do not present her with a way out of the debt at first. (and of course wait until you and your L are ready to present a settlement). Instead take the position that you have to sell and you have to split the negative equity. Of course she will freak and get pissed and threaten to "sue" you again. Let he get all worked up and then start the negotiations. During the negotiations, then you say that you will consider taking the entire negative equity if she moves out. Let it seem like it is not something you want to even consider, let alone do. But you will sacrifice just to reach an agreement.

Hang in there.

I've read your posts and I just want to say, from experience, that if there is any way for one of you to leave the house, you should. Your kids are being traumatized by what is happening. They see all the animosity and tension and it's devestating for them.

You have every right to be pissed and hurt about what your wife is doing. But do you really think being petty and sneaky about the car is going to make the home life better for the kids? You purposely did something that you knew would upset her because you are hurting (with good reason). But the reality is that when you piss her off, it effects the kids. You are trying to "teach her a lesson" but it is falling on deaf ears. And the kids are paying for it.I know this is not your intention, but it's the reality.

Research on divorce and its effects on children shows that the biggest indicator of how how well the children will cope is based on how amicable the parents are.

It's not fair that you should have to take the high road when your wife is being an asshat, but life isn't fair. The more ways you try to passive aggressively try to lash out at her, the more tension it will cause and the more the children will suffer. Unfortunately, you have to be like Gandi and strive for peace at all times. She isn't going to change, so try to accept it and try to focus on doing what is best for your kids rather than on how to get back at your nasty ex.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, truly. It's horrible. But don't allow her to make you sink to her level. Someone has to be solid for the kids. Keep the kids free of the bile. They never asked for this and they just want to love both their parents, no matter how flawed they are.

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:29 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

I dont think I've posted in this thread, but I've been following it (as well as Diver Down, the Original).

Lula...I have to say I completely disagree with what you're saying.

Yes, the kids have to be protected but I believe that (given the circumstances) TCMM has been doing amazingly well with what he's got to work with.

He has been the steady point in his kids' lives. HE is behaving like the adult in that home. He cant control his STBXW and, from his posts, it doesnt appear that he is trying to.

TCMM...my deepest respect to you as a father who is doing what he can to make sure his kids arent hit even harder by their mom's flightiness.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 1:56 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

lula,

I think TCMM has been a rock for his kids. They're lucky to have him. I've not seen any signs of passive/aggressive behavior on his part.

When he talks to the people here about minor issues, (vans and toilets, flowers and pool toys), it's a way for him to let off some steam and hopefully salvage just a tiny bit of humor from this awful situation. He needs support and understanding from people who have walked this sad road before him.

It really hurts to have someone call you out like this when you're venting. Please, let's try to understand his point of view and needs.

I'm going to post in support of Tulip on this one too.

He has dealt extremely well with a boatload of unbelievable crap that has been foisted on him. The worst you could say is that he has taken some pleasure in venting about his WW here and laughing when she has been frustrated by his refusal to cave in to her every whim - again, doing that laughing HERE. Sounds pretty healthy to me, finding a place to get it all out away from the kids.

And the worst you could say he's done is, when replacing her vehicle, something he clearly did not have to do, he bought something he knew she wouldn't like. But you know what? When buying a used vehicle, under a budget, and trying to buy something in relatively good condition and safe, you don't necessarily get a lot of choice. I'm guessing he didn't go in and pick from 20, or 10, or even 2 vehicles that fit the bill, and then say "hey, I'll take the one that will tick off my WW the most!" I would bet that he went and bought the one he could find that best fit all the criteria, and couldn't believe his luck that it just happened to be the one that would tick her off.

Oh, and when picking out that vehicle, I imagine he wasn't going to be able to pick out anything that would have pleased her anyway, because right now, she has a 2-seater sportscar mentality, but he was looking for a vehicle that would be safe for a mom driving around 3 young children. Not surprising that a minivan what what he found.

As long as he's keeping it here, and not putting out these feelings in front of the kids, as long as he's doing his best to keep it together dealing with her so he can take care of the kids - and I really think he's doing those things - then I don't see that he's doing anything wrong.

I'll agree that if there is any way you can work with your lawyer to get HER out of the house, you should, tulip, but other than that... keep being strong. The kids will thank you for it in the end. And eventually, you'll come out on the other side of this.

Boy this sounds to good to be true. Can't help but wonder what the STBX'S side of the story is.

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:30 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]