SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, Everyone,

I just sent this privately to another member, but I really need to tell all of you of this:

This morning my STBXWW arrived home crying, wrought up, and basically pleading to come back. I said literally nothing for around a half hour and just let her talk. She expressed (note: "expressed") remorse for hurting me, acknowledged responsibility, character failings, psychological problems, realization that she is weak and the affair "was" an escape, promised to address all in therapy, recognized how much she loves me, misses me, needs our family, etc. etc.

Somewhere in there was an allusion to knowing "what I needed" for me to take her back (the obvious--dump the POS as a FIRST step).

After she had talked and cried herself out, I simply told her that I have zero trust in her and that I do not believe she currently has any idea of how deeply she has hurt me.

I told her to even consider reconciliation I would need to see immediate actions over a very long period of time--very hard constant work to rebuild my trust and heal my damage. And regular therapy for her to fix her problems. And I would not even consider her moving back home until I believed we are well on our way.

I promised nothing.

That was basically my response. She acknowledged tearfully that she understood, and she left.

Do I believe she will do all this? Or is even capable of it? Not really. I think she is scared to death now that I have actually started the wheels of divorce in motion and gave her a dose of life without me. I still believe this is all about her.

If I see her do all the above, I might consider it. If there is the slightest possibility that she will do all she promises and changes utterly and demonstrates true remorse, I would prefer our children have an intact family.

But I am not stopping the divorce. I will go all the way to the judge's gavel at this point.

Her words are nice, but I have heard words for two years. They mean nothing to me and I told her so. Maybe she really gets it, maybe not. Probably not.

Anyway, just wanted to keep you apprised of the latest.

I do know this, though: I will be OK without her. I am willing to lose the marriage at this point.

Let the 2x4s fly and/or support.

Holy cow, you did fantastic! Huge props to you today AD, you get top marks in all your SI courses.

Now go and do something nice for yourself. You've earned it.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:33 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

You have made incredible progress. That you are able to say "I will be OK without her" is a SEA change from where you were three months ago.

The boat is going to keep rocking, the roller-coaster will keep going up and down. If you can focus on your vast improvement over time, you will find the strength to know that you will continue to be strong and improve.

Great job AD.

Sooo.... my question is.... is she still talking to the OM?

WEll done!!!

Congrats!!!

the only thing flying from me would be accolades.

well done

Wow. You. Did. Awesome.

The rollercoaster will continue. Lets see what she does.

Actions Actions Actions.

"Words are as foam apon a turbulent ocean. Actions are as nuggest of gold." No idea who said that. Wish it ws me.

Way to go Abbondad!!

So has she actually stopped seeing the OM?

Because if not then it's all bullshit. She just wants you to say yes so she has somewhere to leap before making any decisions about the OM.

Tell her to go completely NC with the OM for a month so you can think about things, and her reaction will give you a better idea of where her head is at.

BTW - you did great

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 3:41 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

Bravo Abbondad!

Well done.

You've come so very far.

Keep it up!

Nice one AD - this is FANTASTIC progress on your part. Keep it up mate

V

As LonelyHusband said has she actually stopped seeing the OM?

If not then this emotional tirade is just another attempt to persuade you to accept the 'open' marriage she is addicted to.

Once you drop the divorce proceedings I suspect it will revert back to her very enjoyable double life; a husband and a lover, which is not acceptable to you.

Would you ever be able to trust this woman ever again? Even if you reconciled with her, wouldn't you always wonder if she was sneaking off to be with him from time to time? I'm afraid thats just what would happen.

Lets face it she isn't going to give him up after all these years; the affair will go underground with more devastation when you find out..

Thank you for the praise, everyone. I am proud of myself.

I do want to address these extremely valid concerns and questions since of course they cut to the heart of this:

Sooo.... my question is.... is she still talking to the OM?

So has she actually stopped seeing the OM?

Because if not then it's all bullshit. She just wants you to say yes so she has somewhere to leap before making any decisions about the OM.

Tell her to go completely NC with the OM for a month so you can think about things, and her reaction will give you a better idea of where her head is at.

As LonelyHusband said has she actually stopped seeing the OM?

If not then this emotional tirade is just another attempt to persuade you to accept the 'open' marriage she is addicted to.

I assume that yes, she is in some sort of contact with the OM. I am going with the assumption that it's still a full-blown affair; I have no reason to believe otherwise.

As I said to her and will reiterate to you: I believe nothing she says. Her words are nice, but ultimately meaningless without action.

This is why I did not tell her I will call of or put on hold the divorce--even if she tells me it's over between them. I just wouldn't believe her. I would need constant over-the-top proactive actions by her. Twenty-four hours after her emotional tirade I have heard nothing from her.

And as I said before, I would never allow her to move back home for a long time even while she was proactively earning back my trust.

Our next mediation is coming up. I plan on attending.

As far as whether I would ever be able to trust her again even if she does everything and moves back home, well... Isn't this what everyone in reconciliation must go through? I do not know. Of I did, it would take a long, long time. Probably a couple of years.

The bottom line is that she would have to change fundamentally. Can she? Will she? I doubt it. Her issues are very deep.

So why take the chance? I guess because the eight years prior to the affair really were wonderful (other than the usual stresses of children). Once upon a time she was by-and-large a loving, devoted wife. And I say this without rosé-colored glasses. By no means perfect. Nor was I. And I sure played my role in setting the stage for this affair. (Those who know the "whole story" know to what I am referring.).

And of course the children perhaps above all. If there is a possibility that she can delve deep and fix her issues while healing me, then I am willing.

But again: the divorce will proceed.

I do know this, though: I will be OK without her. I am willing to lose the marriage at this point.

I want follow-up what I said above with a question and concern.

I have seen this all over the forums--that to save the marriage you must be willing to lose it, know you would be OK without her, etc.

I am and I would be. And this concerns me. That is, I don't want to be in a lackluster marriage. I am not saying that it would be, but I know that if a real love were to re-emerge from the ashes, it would take a long time. Yet I would be willing to wait for it and work for it.

For those of you who are truly and happily reconciled yet know you would be ready to bolt if he/she did it again, does that not "cancel out" the happiness of reconciliation?

(I hope I am expressing myself clearly.)

I don't believe that it does AD. I think it makes the marriage more honest. I know that if I enter another relationship, I would not tolerate the things I was subjected to before and I have the strength and knowledge to walk away if I am. I know what I can do on my own now, I know that I don't HAVE to be with someone just to be with someone. I also know how to deal with things should infidelity come back around again. This makes me a stronger partner and gives my potential partner the message that I don't NEED to be with them, I am with them because I WANT to be with them. That is a very powerful distinction.

Thank you, Irishlass. I understand.

My other BIG concern--my biggest, actually--is that she does all the right things prior to moving back home, she moves back home, the kids are ecstatic. Time goes by--months, maybe a year or two.

Then she does it again. I divorce her and the kids are even more shattered than they are now because if you recall, she already moved back home once before and promised them she would never leave, etc.

Very worried about this.

MEDICAL QUESTION: Do you work with a neurologist or a a Neuropshycologist to manage the Tourettes and OCD? If you are do they know what is going on and the increased mental stress you are under? The reason I ask is often folks with these conditions can do fine in day to day life, but when something upsets the routine it cycles out of conrol 123BANG. If you are having difficulty managing these right now, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE see these Dr's, not just your Therapist, and psych. Dealing with Tourettes is a very specidific thing, and although others can venture and follow the steps to treating, you really would benefit from someone who does it day in and out.

Thank you, TN. I am and have been on various meds for TS and OCD all my life. I've basically accepted that this is just my lot, and I'm OK with it. But it's true, stress exacerbates both quite a bit--particularly the mental OCD. I do not currently have a neurologist but have been thinking of finding one. Believe it or not, it is difficult to find one who really does know his/her stuff when it comes to TS. In my past visits I have found that I know more about it than they do and had to correct them about certain misconceptions. But I will resume my search.

Then she does it again. I divorce her and the kids are even more shattered than they are now because if you recall, she already moved back home once before and promised them she would never leave, etc.

Which is why I'm pushing you for the D. At some point, years in the future, a whole lot of IC and NO "slip ups", she might be safe enough to start dating again. Besides the heartbreak for yourself, you've directly witness her lie to the kids.

What kind of a mother does that? How deep into the fog do you have to be to do that.

I sense a little slippage here. Careful with the *what ifs*. Fix you first, help the kids. She and her issues need to be the last thing on your mind.

Strength

Ok I will answer your Question about Tainting it.

NO the simple answer is NO it doesn't taint it. In fact if gives me a quiet strength and resolve.

I was as codependent as they come when we got married. He actually had always pushed me to be more into me, and to not rely on others. Well through the process of healing, and recovery I learned how to be effectively NON-Codpendent, now that's not to say that I don't slip back into old ways, but I do not allow myself to be that way and live for him.

I live for me, and love me. By doing this, I know that should he ever cheat again, I am done. I will be perfectly fine on my own, and I will be happy and able to care for myself and my kids.

Knowing this allows me to know that I have no control over what he does, should he choose to make that horrible decision again, that is all on him. Not on me. It has nothing to do with me. So I can confidently know that I give my all to us. If that gets messed up, it's on him. KWIM?

Were I in your given situation where you have asked for her to recommit and given the gift of R multiple times, there is NO WAY ON GODS GREEN EARTH - I would ever open my heart again to someone like that. Life is too damn short to spend it in the misery you have allowed to become NORMAL for you over the two past years. Trust me, when you find your new Happy, you will get it. What you had, or what you believed you had is gone, and perhaps never was.

You focus on YOU and those Awesosme Kids. The rest will come.