SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AD,

Tell us what YOU think. Do you think it is possible to get better?

What would you tell your BFF if they were asking you the same question?

Feelings will come and go over time. Love is a choice. Will you continue to choose to love a woman that has brought grief into the lives of your children?

Will you choose to let her go? Not just legally and physically, but in your heart?

I understand that it's hard to let go of the dream, But there is more than one dream available to you in life. You can hang onto the idea that it is not THE dream that you've always had, but that will always keep you from moving forward.

Mourn the past but let it go. Don't let your life be just about what happens to you. Like any long term goal, make the active choice to be ok.

Tell me yet again that you were in excruciating pain, were in love with your spouse despite the horrors visited upon you and your children, were convinced that you will never feel better and would be genuinely happy after divorce, but you did it anyway... And now you are happy.

I could not believe the pain I was in. I seriously contemplated suicide. I thought my life was over. I loved him so much. I kept playing love songs and thinking that it applied to us -- if only XWH would pull his head out his ass he'd see how wonderful we were. I thought we were best friends. Soulmates. I was willing to debase myself and throw away my self-respect to try to save the marriage. People told me I'd get better but I didn't believe it. Not me -- our love was special. I loved him more than people further along than me on the path loved their spouses. They just didn't understand. I'd be ruined and broken and just exist, not really live, because my one true love decided he didn't want me.

And you know what? I am now ridiculously happy. Happier than I ever was with XWH. My life is amazing, and my inner peace and happiness is reflected on the outside. Friends and acquaintances tell me all the time how happy I look, and how they're so pleased with the way things have turned out for me, and strangers stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful I am or how my smile has brightened their day. It's just surreal. That never happened when I was with XWH, and I was younger and hotter then.

I promise you that life gets so much better. I know you can't see it now. I used to look at roadkill and be jealous that those animals no longer had to suffer like I was. It can be hard for me to remember that time, even though it was only last year, because it's so great now. You need to work through this, cut ties as much as possible, and concentrate on making your life the best it can be. It gets better.

Tell me yet again that you were in excruciating pain, were in love with your spouse despite the horrors visited upon you and your children, were convinced that you will never feel better and would be genuinely happy after divorce, but you did it anyway... And now you are happy.

Yes, yes, and almost yes.

I was completely devastated, destroyed. I literally cried EVERY day and visited my IC twice a week sometimes. I was so wrapped up in the drama of it all and the dream. It started to change when I focused on the reality. I was sick too...sick for loving and wanting a man in my life who treated me that way. I did not see it when I was living in it, but the relationship was sick. It was never the fairy tale dream I had created. When I let go of that, it got easier... I am not D yet, but he is gone now and I am happy! Relieved! Realizing that it doesn't matter if I never find another man (it would be. Ice, but not necessary) because it can be pretty damn great to....just be. There doesn't have to be drama. There doesn't have to be fighting. There doesn't have to be some dream to attain. I have no idea what will happen in the future, but right now, today, I am fine and happy and able to get along just fine without my husband by my side. I stopped focussing on the dream and focused on reality. Do not let yourself go down that rabbit hole. Without a doubt, you WILL be OKAY. You WILL be HAPPY eventually. And you WILL SURVIVE.

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 4:59 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Phmh and thenon,

Thank you so much for your detailed responses. They really do help so much when I'm in the trenches as I am. I know I'm not special or unique, but sometimes I just need to hear it--again and again...

Feelings will come and go over time. Love is a choice. Will you continue to choose to love a woman that has brought grief into the lives of your children?

And thank you too, Grace. It's hard to feel like I have a choice in my feelings. They are what they are. However, I am acting with my head, not with my feelings, which I realize are not based in reality. My assumption and hope is that my feelings will catch up with my head.

But I do believe I am getting better. Anger is beginning to rear its head more and more, edging out feelings of longing based in an unrealistic perspective of the marriage. I don't want to hate her in the long run, but it does help for now.

I don't understand your reasoning for wanting 50/50 custody, Abbondad. Clearly you are the better parent. Why do you want your kids to be with her so much, and why are you not going to bat for becoming the custodial parent?

I'm sorry if this is insensitive, but I don't get it.

I just had to answer your question, even though the thread has moved on. Four years from D-Day. I'd been with him for 28 YEARS. Two amazing children. We'd been througn everything together and sometimes we had been so close we'd dream the same thing. I had a complete emotional breakdown when he said he was in love with someone else. And as soon as I'd accepted that it was over between us I started living the most incredible life of inspiration, passion and joy. The wonderful man I met afterwards has since become very ill and suffered a life-threatening heart complaint, but the feelings I have for him go deeper and farther than anything I had with WH. It just took perspective and time to see it. There are worlds of possibility and joy beyond this hard time.

I agree..I don't understand why you're not going for full custody.

This woman is not the mommy she was years ago. This is the mom who was careless enough that her 9 year old son found texts & naked pics of his mommy..that she sent to OM..this is the mom who took your kids to this man's house and exposed them to him..and your DS is well aware that this man helped destroy his family. Your WW has proven she doesn't give a shit about these kids. She loves them...but she is a shitty mother. The damage she has caused/is causing your kids may last the rest of their lives. If you have full custody,you have more control over your children's lives...better yet..she has LESS control.

What will happen when your DS refuses to be nice/accept the OM? Because he will. He saw the pic..read the texts..he knows this man is not a good man. And,as he gets older,he will understand what mommy and OM did. He will not be ok with their relationship. How will your WW react to that? Will she get angry with him? Will she see him less and less because having him around her and OM ruins their fantasy? Will she take his feelings seriously and help him through this? Honestly, I think she will either attempt to force your DS to like him..and cause him more pain and confusion..or she will abandon him.

You need to protect these kids from their mother. She is NOT a good mom. She may have been before,but the last few years and her recent actions have proven she will shit on anyone to get what she feels she deserves...and that certainly includes the kids(it sure has so far..no?).

I do think you're doing really well. You sound stronger. Keep your chin up.

(((((AD)))))

Without typing my whole story... it really does get better. I truly believed things would work out with XH. I was devestated when they didn't, time after time after time. When I finally decided I was done, it was so easy to move on. A weight was off my shoulders. I could breathe. I could live my life however I wanted.

Looking back, wtf was I thinking? I am happy now. I have friends who love me. I have a partner who adores me and my children. I have tremendous support from my family.

Keep moving forward.

Hoovering has resumed...STBXWW pulled up in the driveway next to me, got in, tears, I love you's, you smell good, I still believe we will get back together after the divorce....

I bit my tongue and didn't engage, but I'm sorry--I burst into tears when she told me our DS keeps saying he wants our family back together.

And to make matters worse, I am curled up in crippling back pain!

She got in your car? Why? The pain will continue until you stop allowing it. (((AD))) Be strong. She has no right to keep doing this to you, but she will continue to do it for as long as you allow it, I'm sorry to say.

I agree..I don't understand why you're not going for full custody.

I do not want this to go through the courts, I want them to be with their mother whom they love, and I want to ultimately be in an amicable cooparenting relationship. Thank you as always for your concern. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. Her actions repulse me, but they need their mom. I'm sorry if this seems illogical or willfully stupid on my part.

great job not engaging. gosh she is good at pushing your buttons.

N/C= no new hurt. you need to get a temporary custody arrangement set up. that way the only time you see her is at the exchange. then do the exchange in a public area, or with someone you trust. that should help alleviate some of the issues.

of course she is using your son as a tool against you. just wait till she does it directly.

strength

Sorry, AD. Man, she is really pulling out all the stops right now, isn't she? She is manipulative as hell and sounding not very stable right now. I am glad to know that your kids feel so comfortable with you, because I am doubtful of her capacity to parent with any sort of compassion right now. She is so wrapped up in her selfish-self. Good job not engaging.

Hope your back feels better (hopefully its not kidneys? That's the only crippling back pain I've had...)

No..I get it. I just really worry about the kids..as do you,of course. No matter what you do,it's painful and unfair to everyone.

Hi, Friends,

The more I think about it, the more I am leaning toward staying in our family home. The kids are just SO happy to be here. All their friends, a great neighborhood, great schools.

It would be such a shame to move. Now that it's just me and the kids, I don't miss my STBXWW.

I crunched the numbers and it is doable if i pinch pennies and with WW paying CS and additional money toward mortgage, utilities, even if its not much. It can be done. I will be unable to put away anything into savings, but it's a small price to pay.

The only problem, then, is of course, the WW. She still bops in and out, since after all, it is "her house" too.

If I get the house in our MSA, then she can't do this any more, right? Even if she's on the mortgage? What is that called? First rights of refusal? She will be livid, but so what. Nothing new.

And if she complains that she can't get her own mortgage, well, I can offer to buy her out, right? Is that called a "quit claim deed"? And I can just give her half the current equity less the realtors commission.

Or maybe this is unrealistic for various reasons? Mostly the crazy NPD?

Thoughts?

Hey abbondad...

in regards to the house...

ex-shat left within a week of D-day and showed no signs of living here again...so, I changed the locks. He was mad, threw a mantrum about it, demanded a key. I told him to take me to court to get a key. He didn't.

D was finalized last november and his name is still on the mortgage. I have two years to refinance. He has no rights to this house. Even if I end up selling it, he has no rights to the proceeds. And no, he can't go out and buy a house right now like he wants...not. my. problem. I have to look out for myself and the wellbeing of my child and I determined (like you) that it was best if I made a go at keeping the marital home.

Right of first refusal has to do with custody. It means if it's her parenting time and she cannot be watching the kids (like has to work or wants to go out), she has to ask you if you want to watch them before getting daycare, a sitter, leaving them with OM, etc.. It usually has a time limit, like 2 hours or 4 hours or 8 hours, etc. And then it would work both ways, meaning if you need to leave the kids for X amount of time, you have to ask her first before leaving them with someone else (a girlfriend, mom, daycare, etc).

I tried very hard to get this in at mediation, but STBX refused it, and we couldn't agree. Now I have MOW watching the kids while he works, and I'm livid.. Praying I get it in court in about 2 weeks..

I think what you want is "exclusive use" of the home. That would keep her out, and you could change the locks. I would recommend a temporary hearing ASAP to set up visitation and child support and settle the house dispute.. My former crappy lawyer never did that for me, so I've been struggling without any rules or guidelines since November. She should NOT be coming over whenever she pleases, so I would get that done as soon as possible. Considering she has already moved out, I don't think you will have any trouble..

Hugs..

In my state, I had to have a hearing to get temp possession of the home. The judge put restraining orders on us (usual in my state) and that kept him from going in the house.

Fast forward to divorce, I get the house and all the equity. I never have to refinance as long as I am never late. My atty told me that the judge would not go for this, so we worked out a deal where XWH gets to claim 1 child on taxes in exchange for me never having to refi.

Btw, now that we've been D nearly away, XWH is pulling his head out of his ass and realizes he is having a hell of a time buying a home while he is attached to this mtg. OH WELL. Not. my. problem.

I suggest you quickly pull your wits about you and get everything you want while ur WS is all over the page.

I didn't move, btw because the kids needed to stay where they were used to being, and I just didn't have it in me to pack up a home.

In my state, SC, here are the standard restraining orders and visitation schedule:

Also, be sure you ask for every other Halloween if you want to make sure you get to go trick or treating -- if that's something you want to do.

http://www.atkinssc.com/resourcefiles/STANDARDVISITATION.pdf