SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She is consistently showing you who she is and you are refusing to believe it.

You want to believe in the made up version of her that you have in YOUR head.

That version does not exist.

Maybe at some point you will start to believe what she is showing you over and over.

She is consistently showing you who she is and you are refusing to believe it.

TG nailed it.

Two years ago today, at 11pm, Edith left her hotel room and her best friend and went down to the hotel lobby to have a drink with her EA partner. She then left with him and consummated the relationship to be a PA.

This, in my mind, ended our marriage.

Though I would not find out for a little more than a year, I could not sleep that night. I tossed and turned all night long in fear of her doing just what she did. Why did I let her go if I was so concerned? I wanted to show her in a concrete way that I was not controlling, that I trusted her, and that I honored her by showing that trust. She thanked me by betraying me and killing our marriage.

Somehow, in my gut, I knew things would never be the same after that night. I sent her a text at 5am checking on her with worry and she responded, but it was too late. Some things cannot be undone.

Although she was supposed to go away with her mom, Edith's dad became sick and her best friend went in her place. She proved to be a poor chaperone.

So this is the first time I'm aware of this DDay anniversary, and it really hurts.

I'm sorry you're hurting my friend.

Ok, your M has ended, you just haven't formalized it with a D yet. Has Edith become a woman you would want to marry?

Strength

Sorry np5, it is very hard

The first year, I felt like I was living through the affair now that I knew what had happened

Like finally getting a chance to mourn

One nudge on something you said - a grown woman does not need a chaperone

She has become again the woman I would marry. She has really been working on changing herself and becoming a good wife, again.

The problem now is me.

I feel that I have conveyed my anger, rage, disappointment, disgust, pain, and frustration effectively and she has heard it and understood it. She can't ever feel the depth of my feelings, but I doubt any wayward could. She is doing the best she can with who she is and the situation she is in and she continues to maintain NC, change herself, go to IC and MC, read books and work to understand her issues (many of which involve me and my history).

Although it may be many years before I can close this chapter on my life, I feel that I may be able to relent on my expressions of the intense emotions I have soon. Perhaps I'm going over the hump here.

Regarding the marriage. We renewed our vows back in March of 2015. I was not aware of the PA at that time, so I feel I need to redo them when I'm ready. For her, they were a declaration that she was back in and would never betray me again--that she would forevermore be a faithful wife. I believe with my heart and my mind that she will. I am starting to trust her again. She will not ever want to go through this again and would not ever want to put me through this again. She had no idea it would be so painful for me.

I feel that she will soon earn the "f" in front of her WW. But it will be many years before I will put the "f" in front of the BH. It will not be added until the pain is gone.

issues (many of which involve me and my history).

What does this mean np5?

issues (many of which involve me and my history).

What does this mean np5?

One of the "why's or how's" for the affair was her resentment--Resentment for my absence in the Navy and MBA school, for my financial investments, for time I spent at work, etc.

This ate at her and when she fumed and raged at me and I distanced myself from her as a result. This distancing made her feel lonely and unappreciated and unloved. It broke down our communication and I did things unilaterally that impacted our lives. She resented when I did this and it was a vicious cycle that fed on itself.

Then she catastrophically broke down and failed by choosing to have an affair.

She is working on accepting me for who I am and understanding why I did those things. She is trying to resolve her resentment of these things. The regret of the affair has greatly dissipated her resentment, but, from time to time, traces still show.

Long answer for a short question, but it's a big deal for us to resolve to move forward.

Man, I'm really sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can say is that feeling the pain is at least a large part of the healing process for BSes, so it's progress....

2 points:

First, you're essentially about year out, and edith has been far from an ideal WS, so having intense emotions at this point - and perhaps for months more in the future - seems entirely healthy to me. (Note: the emotions are due to edith's cheating, lying, TT, not due to staying together.)

Second, edith's 'resentments' (anger, really) are her problem, not yours. She chose to stuff her feelings. She chose to let her anger (among other things) enable her cheating, lying, TT, and very slow progress in owning her shit, if she even fully owns it now. That's on her, not on you AT ALL.

She resents the time you spent on your MBA? Isn't she a dentists? Were you together when she went through dental school?

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:31 AM, April 27th (Wednesday)]

What will happen in the future, when she resents you for a new reason?

She resents the time you spent on your MBA? Isn't she a dentists? Were you together when she went through dental school?

Yes, we were. My Navy pay went to her schooling, room, and board.

She is very thankful for my financial support at that time, but she still feels a lot of pain for me being underwater for years, completely out of contact with her. It hurt her very much and she still feels that pain. It deeply scarred her.

What will happen in the future, when she resents you for a new reason?

This is really what she is working on the most. She needs to not let resentment build up. She needs to learn to forgive and to let go of the pain. She needs to learn to appreciate my perspective too so she can see why I do what I do.

I'm not saying this is easy. I have huge resentment for what she has done. I am learning first hand what she has felt for 23 years--It's just that I have a much higher pain threshold, perhaps.

This is really what she is working on the most. She needs to not let resentment build up. She needs to learn to forgive and to let go of the pain. She needs to learn to appreciate my perspective too so she can see why I do what I do.

I understand all these.

But what if the resentment *does* build? Are you just waiting then?

I'd argue a different tact would be - instead of needing to learn to appreciate your perspective and forgive - she needs to learn to communicate her anger. She needs to have coping mechanisms for when she feels angry (not just let go). She needs to have healthy boundaries so if she feels angry she can make healthy decisions about it. Even if that means divorce.

Healthy relationship skills can't realistically be built on only learning to let go, forgive, and appreciate the other person's perspective.

Sometimes you won't. And sometimes you will be resentful that you'er expected to forgive. And - if that is the expectation, that you have to appreciate the person's perspective and forgive and let go - you are that much MORE likely to not communicate that, and let resentment build.

And honestly, it sounds like she's doing the same thing she told you passive aggressively a year ago - going to IC to learn to be with you.

Lark,

You are absolutely right. Her IC, our MC, my IC and all of our book reading are teaching us to do boundaries.

Often times, in the past, she was upset because of specific things and it was amplified due to her overwhelming resentment and my inability to listen and validate her feelings. Instead, I would try to explain why her feelings were incorrect or unsupportable. My family never really shared "feelings" a lot, so I never learned to properly listen, validate, reflect upon, and act appropriately to her feelings.

So this is a huge change for her and for me and it is why I feel us going to MC is important before I'm over all this affair stuff. I will not accept that I had any part in causing the A, but I do realize that I must work on me and our M if we are to R and grow closer together and repair things. We both have our work to improve this M. But it is a bitter pill sometimes and my pride and resentment gets in the way of my work to change or improve our communication and our M.

I think after her mindgames for 2 years, that it's to be expected that it might be hard to just start building easily in MC

Did she ever tell you what happened the night that guy chased her into the bathroom for hours?

Did she ever tell you what happened the night that guy chased her into the bathroom for hours?

Yes, the second polygraph showed that she spoke the truth of her night out with her best friend. This guy did chase her into the bathroom as she hid in a stall and tried to hit on her. She was freeked out by it. However, in a twist of fate, the night out caused me to do the first polygraph which caused the PA to be outed.

I'm sure everyone here told me they had sex and I was a fool for not listening. It's just that I honored and respected her too much to believe should would do what she did. She had complete and total trust and respect from me, which she used to her advantage (and great self destruction).

It's just that I honored and respected her too much to believe should would do what she did.

I think that's pretty common here - I know I couldn't have believed it possible until my husband told me they had sex. and then it was just more of a mental shock of who is this person? I don't know him at all.

Glad she told the truth on that one. Will there be any more polygraphs in the future?

how is *your* ic going?

Will there be any more polygraphs in the future?

how is *your* ic going?

Yes, there will definitely be another polygraph. Edith has said she will do however many I need.

I have taken a pause on my IC for a little while because 1) we are trying to get caught up on some debt we have 2) I am fully engaged on the self improvement I know I need to do through our MC and 3) I need to get DD1 to see an IC and 4) Edith has her IC to do and we only have so much in our medical savings account. We need to pace ourselves--this is a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm thinking of taking Edith out to dinner or something to try and take my mind off of tonight. It was 10:59 when she descended the elevator to meet him in the lobby. Heck, maybe I can drive her to a park to relive the experience--I bet my suburban would be more spacious than his Corolla.

Don't get yourself arrested....

Well, I'm coming up on being here for nearly 3 years, and my main milepost is April 27th.

I would have traded the last 3-1/2 years for being in a coma, if that had meant my wife wouldn't have done what she did. But that wasn't offered to me, so I'm still here trying to make the best of my life as it is now.

I've been fence sitting for some time and I'm off the fence again and back into R. Edith has worked on herself tremendously and it shows. Not that she can't work on herself more, but who doesn't need to do that.

Some thoughts from my perspective at about 3-1/2 years into the start of this hellish experience:

1) You all were so right in so many ways. SI consensus is so spot on. Not always, but I see now it is about 100x more truthful that what came out of a waywards lips.

2) Push-Pull doesn't work. You can't work on mending a relationship while fending off an affair. You can do one or the other. You can't mend anything when she is cheating on you--it just makes it worse. As you all tried to tell me.

3) Affairs are an escape from reality. My wife was trying to escape from her life and herself and me. She was addicted to the way he made her feel and was willing to divorce me to keep it coming.

4) She had been abusive for many years before the affair, but had convinced me that it was my behavior that made her so. I see now, through therapy and many books, that she was abusive and profoundly so during her in-my-face affair.

5) There were many things I did prior to the affair that hurt our marriage, but it didn't cause the affair. She chose it 100% and she wanted it. "If you won't let me have him as a friend, then we are through!" I should have said, at that time, "OK, then we are through". It would have saved me years of pain.

6) The last big lie resets the healing clock. Edith's adultery during my IC and MC, when we were supposedly reconciling, is my biggest hangup. The EA was huge, and the PA piled on the pain, but that can be put into perspective over time and with healing. But to see me in agony, encourage me to heal and get better, as she continued to cheat... I'm not sure I can ever forgive that.

7) It's OK to not forgive. I am dedicated to try and forgive, and it seems to be working some over time and with effort. But if I never forgive her 100%, that's OK. I can live with that.

8) I will never go back to where I was before. Never. She will treat me like a husband and like a friend, she will treat me with respect, or I will chose to be without her. I don't need a wife that is abusive. My children don't need a mother that is abusive. I am going to be attentive to her needs and wants, but I will be attentive to mine first and my children second. I will no longer walk on eggshells trying to anticipate or mitigate her emotions. Those are her feelings and hers alone. They are not mine and I will detach from them if they are pushed on me. I will be kind and considerate and I will listen carefully and lovingly, but she is separate from me. If her expressions of disappointment or anger become overwhelming, then she needs to see a counselor. I am a husband, not a counselor. I'm no longer here to fix her or pacify her or save her.

9) It is not my job to make her happy. That is her job. I love her and want to see her happy but not at my own expense. She must lay the responsibility of her life with her. I will no longer be a scapegoat for her unhappiness. I will no longer accept anger, or resentment, or contempt for failing to make her happy.

10) Betrayal and Adultery have consequences. I don't have to take all of them. Edith can take some and so can her OM. Sadly, my children receive some too. She chose this for us and I will not carry her water regarding consequences of the affair.

So, life continues on. Edith is once again the good wife she used to be, perhaps better than she ever was. I'm trying to be a better husband--not because she deserves a better husband, but because I chose to be a better husband.

Thank you all so much for helping me when I was so down and needed such help. It truly was a life saver / marriage saver / family saver. I don't think I could have made it without you.

You have come so very far,from the man you were when you first posted. Dang, you were stubborn. You practically fought us every step of the way. But,we here on SI are more stubborn. We don't give up. And neither did you.

I'm very proud of you.