SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

double post

[This message edited by c24j at 5:07 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

I disagree with c24j.

You need to take control of matters NOW !!

If the OM needs to suffer as a result, good. He needs to. And making hi suffer let's you see where Edith stands. It's all about you and therapy to you, it's not about Edith anymore or violin boy.

The deal is NP5, you need to figure out why you are still in this game. Is it your love of Edith ? Is it because of your kids ? Is it because you are afraid to leave ?

Take on OM, damage him before he can damage others. The less business we get here, the better. Bring Edith to her knees. She has not faced significant consequences to her 3 years of destroying you. Others think the New Year is about turning the page and being in a better place mentally. I think of the New Year as taking care of your problems so you can take a deep breath in 2017 and enjoy that year as a new man.

JMO and c24j doesn't need to apologize for me. We've exchanged PMs multiple times. What I am telling you is nothing new. Since a couple of our friends are now gone from here, I just wanted to keep you grounded and goal oriented. If you need anything, you know I am here for you.

2016= the no more bullshit year for you. Stand up, be proud of your beautiful kids and make sure that you take command !!

Np5, you are a great guy with a good head on your shoulders. As with every path we choose in life, we have to make the leap ourselves. No amount of pushing, gentle or otherwise, is going to make you carve out your destiny. We hear you, we empathize, and we want you to make the healthiest decisions for your future. I'm proud of you for continuing to post about your journey and reaching out for help. Small steps are still steps - remember that when you start to feel overwhelmed.

Hugs and support.

Hi guys...

Edith and I continue to work on ourselves. She's making good progress with her IC and I'm hopeful she will continue to improve. She's been very supportive of me lately and has been remorseful, I think.

I'm reading books and working on me. I've read books on BPD and Hold Your NUTs, Living and Loving after Betrayal (2nd time) and a number of others. Edith has encouraged me and all of the defensiveness and resentment she once had seems to be dissipating. I credit her for that and it gives me hope.

I went with her to a social gathering of peers last night and I triggered horribly. I almost threw up -- not sure why. Anxiety I guess--I don't feel sick. I just have a sinking feeling in my gut when I view other couples happily getting along... I'm sure a lot of that is outward appearances.

DD1 is driving now and that takes some pressure off Edith's dropping off and picking her up every day from school to bring her home. Bit by bit our life is getting better, I think. Some have brought up the idea of another polygraph in the future. Edith has been very open to this--whatever I need to help me feel safe. She is finally giving me some tools to help me heal.

I have a big book that has the collected works of CS Lewis. I've read them all several years back, except for one, "A Grief Observed". At the time I was like, "I don't think I'm going to get much out of this one because I don't have any grief. I think I'll save it for when something bad happens. Something bad is bound to happen in my life, and this will be just the thing when it does..." So I broke it out this morning. I love his writing, especially "The Screwtape Letters" and "Mere Christianity".

The truth about the OM is slowing leaking out. It seems he's imploding a bit on his own, so I'm going to see where that leads...

Thanks again to you all for helping me during my grief and lending a helping hand.

NP5

Glad to hear a positive update and that you are finding resources for your healing!

Good news.

Glad the new year is starting off well.

You certainly deserve all the best.

NP I hope to hell you are right, and that she truly gets this. I am fearful that you will have your world rocked again nearly as soon as you feel safe. She led you down such a twisted road of lies, and engaged the help of your kids. I wonder if she is just white knuckling sobriety so to speak, only to pull a Nurse Jackie when she knows everyone feels safe again.

Do you have those kids in therapy yet? You know I won't let that go.

Glad to hear your update, NP!

Fingers crossed brother. Glad to hear a positive update.

OK I'm back.

I can't stay away long, especially since I'm stuck in a hotel room for 5 days...

I've been following DoneGone and Wishes a bit. Nice to see that Edith isn't the only person out there that was really went cruel for a while. I think she is a good person that broke hard, like Edith.

I see so many similarities I'm wondering if Edith is living a double life...

Anyway, Edith and I are away for a week and flew out west and left the kids at home. Because she bought the tickets a little late, we had seats that were not adjacent.

I'm flying with her because she is going to some continuing education classes and they are out west and in a place where the OM would frequent. I figured that if I didn't go, I would be triggering something horrible, so I decided to go and work out of the hotel.

Plus, I love her company.

Anyway, 10 minutes before we board the plane I see we aren't sitting together. It's a 5 hour flight that is pretty late, so I'm disappointed that I won't be able to hold her under a blanket as we fly. Oh well. Life sucks sometimes. If it was important to me I could have booked the tickets myself earlier. No biggie.

So I settle in to a seat two rows behind Edith and I'm sitting there looking at her pretty blonde hair.

The guy next to her starts talking to her...

And they talk and they talk and they talk. 45 minutes into the flight I see that they are really engaged and enjoying each others company.

So here I am flying to be with Edith, ensuring she's not fucking the OM, and I get the privilege of watching her get hit on by another man for five hours. So I'm getting more and more upset.

I finally, after 45 minutes, get up and ask to switch seats with her, saying her DD1 wants to talk with her... Of course our daughter is at home about 500 miles away, but Edith excuses herself and I plop down next to this guy.

Seems a nice enough guy and his wife is sitting in the isle across from him so I guess it's ok. But if you were married wouldn't you talk with your WIFE instead of the cute blonde chick next to you!?! WTF?

Anyway, we talked about 3 minutes and I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep as I fumed the next 4 hours. When we "deplaned" I gave Edith a piece of my mind saying that she didn't need to be talking to other guys so close to her cheating on me. She knows how I am right now. It would have been so easy to just turn on a movie or close her eyes or pick up a book. She has no clue and very poor boundaries. But no, she has to talk to some guy for an hour as I watch her. What happened to her having no more male friends?

So after I told her how I felt she was pissed and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Admittedly I was pissed at her too.

Was I wrong? I know I can't expect her to not talk to guys anymore. She talks to hundreds every month in the dental practice... But I felt like I went on a dinner date with her and she dropped me off at a table and sat down with another guy to have dinner. Then I get to watch them enjoy themselves talking together for 5 hours.

Crap!

At least the Pacific NW has some decent beer...

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 5:30 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]

Is she normally chatty? Would her behavior have been different if it was a woman, not a man?

You are absolutely right.

She has no clue and very poor boundaries.

And no remorse.

she was pissed and didn't talk to me the rest of the night.

It's still all about her. Remorse would have gotten an immediate apology for the discomfiture you felt and the justifiable concerns you had. Instead, she got pissed.

You now know what boundaries she's willing to cross while you're watching. What boundaries will she be willing to cross when you're not?

Are you willing to spend your life wondering?

Are you really sure, I mean absolutely sure, your kids aren't picking up on the tension at home?

Strength

Well, she is normally a very chatty person while I am not. But she is far more chatty with guys. She has always been friendlier with guys than girls. I think that's because she is so cute. Guys would be open to befriending her and girls might be a little self conscious / standoffish. She tries to be nice to everyone, but she just gets way better feedback from guys. Know what I mean?

Anyway, she decided to give up guy friends when she got married. She had cousins and stuff, but they don't count. The exception was with the OM. She asked for permission and I said OK, but just to keep it platonic and that she was a big girl and to say away from anything inappropriate.

Well obviously that didn't happen...

So after fucking him and blowing up our lives, she has renewed her vow to never have a close guy friend again, only acquaintances. The exception are current business associates that take her out to lunch (dental specialists that try to win referrals and the like).

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 5:52 PM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]

It's still all about her. Remorse would have gotten an immediate apology for the discomfiture you felt and the justifiable concerns you had. Instead, she got pissed.

Yes! After sitting there for 4 hours I was thinking that I was blowing it all out of proportion. But then she got pissed at me and it made it 5 times worse. What the hell Edith! Don't you give a damn about how I felt watching you yuk it up with another guy as I sit watching?

You now know what boundaries she's willing to cross while you're watching. What boundaries will she be willing to cross when you're not?

Are you willing to spend your life wondering?

No, I'm tired of watching my back and pulling out the daggers. I really am.

Are you really sure, I mean absolutely sure, your kids aren't picking up on the tension at home?

I don't think so because they were walking on eggshells before the affair. The time during the affair was pretty tense / angry, but since then it has calmed down. I keep asking them how they are doing and if they love being in this family and are that happy that God put them here in this family and I get nothing buy happiness and gratitude. They tend to be happy kids. (except for the youngest two brother/sister that share a room. There will be tension until I get them their own room.)

NP5,

You sound like you have finally hit your anger stage. I don't think your WW has any idea how to handle it considering she still doesn't sound very remorseful. Good luck.

NP - had a similar kind of text conversation with my husband today. Trust is not rebuilt at the same speed it is destroyed. Stuff might have happened 3 years ago. But when a wayward gets careless, it might as well have just happened a few minutes ago, because that wound is ripped wide open with that carelessness. Just happened last night. I've been raging and hurting all day.

And he says he wants me to let my walls down. Ain't happening in this century at this rate. Walls are built because there's a threat. Until I can see he has truly changed and has my back, and isn't going to force my walls down - but rather, he'll take over the vigilance I've had to have, hell no these walls are never coming down.

NP,

What the hell Edith! Don't you give a damn about how I felt watching you yuk it up with another guy as I sit watching?

What if the answer is no, she didn't? What if the answer is that she can't? I'm not a professionl by any stretch of the imagination, but she fits so, so many of the criterion for PDD. Really doesn't matter though if she's not truly willing to seek help.

No, I'm tired of watching my back and pulling out the daggers. I really am.

Have you talked to a lawyer to discuss the ramifications of D. At least listen. No action needs be taken. Edith should be watching your back, she's carefully placing knives in instead.

Your kids know more than you think. They could(in all liklihood are) be putting on happy faces to keep Mom and Dad together. Especially with Edith involving DD in her attempt to conceal the A.

Strength

NP5

She has shown you TIME AND TIME again who she really is. She resents you. Period. She loves the attention of other men. She is not sorry she had an affair - she is sorry she was caught an you forced the information out of her.

She holds on to that secret email account with OM like it was Fort Knox. All the while crying out about how evil you are.

She taunted you, screwing the OM, all while you begged for it to stop.

She blames you for everything bad and gets sympathy for putting you down. It is her go-to move.

And you know what - she is going to keep on doing all of this. She is NOT going to change.

You keep hoping that she will "get it." She isn't ever going to get it. That is not her.

She will always have an excuse or put the blame on you.

ALWAYS.

The only person that can change in this dynamic is you.

And you won't until your fear of change is overcome by your anger at being treated like crap.

First ......Welcome back. We often wonder how you are, or at least I do. I just got back home from an amazing vacation w/ my H and really haven't been on much, so I was surprised to see you post.

Now ready set duck, cause I'm coming out swinging.

She is the same person she was during her A. She has not changed one iota. She feels like she is Queen of the universe, ans you should be lucky to have her. F. That Noise. Seriously dude. You are still being cuckhold. She got angry at you for acting like a single woman on her flight, while you watched. Wonder what she does when you aren't around.

You were angry, but were you also anxious? Were you worried if she would get over this? were you able to sit back and say let her get over it on her own? She will get glad in the same pants she got mad in. When you are right, you are right, and you can gain strength, and perspective by not apologizing for your concerns and keep telling yourself you are right.

Lastly about your kids. Based on your statement I'm willing to bet my lunch that you have not gotten them into any counseling. They seem fine...... DUDE your power of denial is seriously amazing. Your girls especially the older ones need some therapy. All young women and men can benefit from talking to someone other than their friends, church leaders, and parents. Someone who has some training and understanding on the human mind, and how to become stronger braver and more independent regardless of what home is.

I pray you are finally seeing some light. I know you are crazy about your wife, and fear of change stops you in your path, but you need to make some minor changes in yourself so you can learn that you can make changes and world won't end.

I think you need to seriously go back to 180. Start focusing on yourself. Look if she is going to cheat then she is going to do it if your watching her or not. Its clear she has to real concept of how to fix her issues and there is no way your every going to be able to do it for her.

I would just start 180 and taking care of yourself. I would quit watching her and planning any kind of special moments with her. Go out and make new friends. The more you are away from her the more your going to see you really do deserve better.

Its not your job to teach her how to be faithful and a decent human being. Its hers.

I walked away from my serial cheating exwife. It was the best decision I have ever made when it comes to a relationship. I now in my life have learned healthy boundaries for me. I do not put up with shady behavior. I wont waste my time. I have remarried since and I can't tell you how great it is being able to leave the house with out wondering who she is with.

You deserve better. The only way your going to get better is if you work for it yourself.

C