SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you are expecting an enraged STBX, remove anything that is extremely precious to you or otherwise irreplaceable and put it in storage or somewhere out of the home for safe keeping. When faced with divorce, some WS's will take irreplaceable sentimental items (e.g., original birth certificates, passports, deeds, Baby Books, lock of hair from first hair cut, family photo albums, kids' portraits, home movies you never backed up, family heirlooms, kids' art works from school, your grandmother's jewelry that you gave her and wish you could have back for your kids, holiday decorations collected over years--"baby's first Christmas," etc.). Some may destroy things that are dear to you. This advice may be overkill, but it really isn't uncommon in divorce situations.

Likely, this isn't on your radar screen. Given any chance, she will start to remove valuable, irreplaceable items as soon as she realizes you are resolute about the divorce. She will become desperate to hang onto the family she threw away, at least symbolically. Don't wait on this. You can always give stuff back if you decide to divvy it up later, but you can't always get it.

Anon,

When she returns is better to be prepared. IMO this doent mean to have answers for all her questions, accusations, blame shifthing, etc. It means the following:

Do not engage in any conversation/discussion/acusation with her. This si really hard but vital.

Just communicate with her about the kisd and ina documented way: By text, email, etc,. Do not speak to her by phone! In conversation face to face, always have a VAR with you (ask your lawyer if you need her consent to record conversations, so are legally valid)

Document everything.

Ask if the text you collected, screen shots of her mobile, etc, are not a legal tarsgression. Maybe you can get into trouble if she knows that you had acces to he rmobile and emails. If there is not problem because you own the line, was reflected in the IPad (and you kids couls also see her disty talk or bouth mouting them) and she knew you had acces, etc. Would be great idea to print everything and left it for her on the dinnniign table with your ring on top. Notice that if you R full transparency must be infoce, so at this point no more need to hide your sources as you are going to D. Regarding D. this is a process that can be stopped any time, even if you’re really D you can also remarried her.

Get all the support you can in friends, family, this forum, etc.

Get yourself in IC

This is a long shot but IMO you should ask her any way the following: To get a job; to leave the house, just to communicate directly to you for children related matters. All other communications should be done by your lawyer.

Cut out your life all persons that knew of her affair before you did. If they didn’t stopped her, indirectly supported her.

Good luck

Great advice. I plan to follow the 180 when she returns and treat parenting like a business. The OM texted WW “I don’t know what’s going on” and then went dark. I suspect WW is on her way home, but either way.

Our friend from NZ PM’d me and I’d like to share a transcript with the group because it was awesome. She had something bad happen to her at her work a year ago and is out on disability because of it.

[This message edited by anon789 at 6:17 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

Anon, I think this is my first comment on your thread. So, I’d like to start by saying I’m sorry this has happened to you. I think you are doing well with a horrible situation. However, until you have a better understanding of the role of the friend in NZ in all of this I think the less said to her, the better. Good luck and keep posting!

One caution: do not assume your WW or OM are not aware you can read their texts.

It is very odd she has not said she is coming home.

Your second text - which you did not send - was very well written.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 9:03 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

always have a VAR with you

This continues to be a very important thing for you. Do you have a VAR? If not, what are your plans to get one ASAP?

I plan to follow the 180 when she returns and treat parenting like a business.

Good. In the moment, you may find yourself very tempted to waver. She may say and do some very convincing things. There may be moments that you want to throw caution to the wind and give that hug, feel that closeness, say those loving words.

You will not be serving yourself well to do that -- not on that day. You need to anticipate that you may feel that way, and consciously *do not* act on those feelings. Get through the day, come back here, process all that was said and all that you're feeling. It is always ok to say something like "Thank you, but my focus is elsewhere. Let's keep this conversation about the kids." Or whatever.

This is not a push for you to stay focused solely on divorce; it's a push for you to stay solely focused on getting and staying out of infidelity. It's possible that down the road there could be a time for all of those nice things if it turns out that that's what you want and WW is doing all the right things in all the right ways. It is also possible that a nice divorce is the best and only option. At that point, you'll be in control of your situation and it will be your call to make.

So when she comes home, don't lose that control. Anticipate and act accordingly. You're doing great work.

The interaction with the friend in NZ suggests she has no idea. There was nothing that even hinted at her knowing what the source of your issues are.

WW sent me several texts over the past few days saying she was changing her flights, all the while she was sexting the OM. That sexting stopped abruptly after I sent the message that that redsox13 wrote and about 10-15 of OM’s messages went unanswered.

There is a chance she has figured out I can see her messages. I will copy all her stuff into a flash drive (which I’ll move off property) and brick-up her old discarded phone again (the method I used to see her messages to OM). I don’t plan to tell her I have been reading the messages.

My lawyer told me to prepare for her to return angry and I will. We will see. I ordered a VAR and it should come soon, I will set up a loop recording camera as well that I already have. I know I could let her take a cab home but I will offer to pick her up to save us the $$ and spare the kids the possibility of seeing something ugly.

I have made a list of things I want from her on her return (not a reconciliation list, just preliminary stuff):

1. Parenting 1st. We will each work on ourselves to be the best people and parents we can be

2. Do not talk or focus on our relationship for now

3. Get help (therapist and psychiatrist)

4. No need to try to explain anything, just stop lying for now

5. Stop badmouthing children on social media

Leave out #4 - she is not going to stop lying and you cannot put anything on that list that you cannot provide a consequence for. It comes off as wishy washy.

YOU are taking action to protect yourself and your family. She can choose to do what she thinks that she needs to in order to do what she wants to do.

"Thank you, but my focus is elsewhere. Let's keep this conversation about the kids."

Another good line to use when she starts to blameshift is "I'm sorry you feel that way."

For example: "I wouldn't have needed to go to NZ if you had been more help with the kids..."

Reply, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Also you can take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage but the affair is 100% on her.

Also, it doesn't sound like you have exposed the affair to anyone. Are you thinking she might not have met up with the AP after the last two messages? You know he picked her up at the airport.

[This message edited by Freeme at 10:37 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

I think it is very likely that the friend was fishing on behalf of your WW to find out how much you know. I also think that your WW has found another way to communicate with the OM, likely a prepaid phone in NZ, because she realizes you have been seeing her messages. I really think she is continuing to play you and is with the OM right now.

VAR good idea

moving flash drive off campus good idea

Picking her up at the airport ? Bad idea. Fighting in the car is never a good idea.

Having a reliable friend or two at home when she gets there on top of having the VAR on ? A great idea.

It could dim her hostility and if she tries to pull a fake DV complaint out of her hat of garbage, you will be there with witnesses and a VAR to actually file first.

Do not hesitate to file for a RO against her if she is violent. You owe her nothing at this point.

DROP the papers on her at soonest chance.

As you said, it is over. Act like it is !!

If your going to start the 180.....then picking her up at the airport is a bad start!

If you really have to save a few dollors then at the very least stay in the car...pull up pop the trunk from inside the car, and let her load her own luggage and open her own door....but do not get out of the car and greet her.

Man I think you need to go and reread all the sexting....it might persuade you to let her find her own way home.

Think about it...if you didn't send that text she would be on her way to see her lover. She is just covering her ass and not coming home to be with you.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:43 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

I have made a list of things I want from her on her return (not a reconciliation list, just preliminary stuff):

1. Parenting 1st. We will each work on ourselves to be the best people and parents we can be

2. Do not talk or focus on our relationship for now

3. Get help (therapist and psychiatrist)

4. No need to try to explain anything, just stop lying for now

5. Stop badmouthing children on social media

Do not ask her any of these before she ask for R. Sorry but you dont even know if she wants to R.

Reduce your interactions to D matters: kids, lawyer, etc.

Also file for D first, this way you control the process not her, ask your lawyer about It.

Ask her family or friends to pick her at the airport. No matte how many warnings you make if your actions point out different.

Why would she chance if you wouldnt enforce any action?

pull up pop the trunk from inside the car, and let her load her own luggage and open her own door....but do not get out of the car and greet her.

I dunno. Sounds pretty passive aggressive and a little confrontational. Anon should be neither of those things.

If you're doing the 180, you kinda treat WS the same way you would a shitty coworker who's mean and toxic work around. You don't go out of your way to have interactions with that coworker, but sometimes you simply have to -- and at those times you're friendly, cordial, etc. If that employee needs help moving a desk in the office, you help. You just don't get personal or engage in unnecessary communication, and if the job is *inappropriate* or would otherwise harm you, then you don't help.

Helping put WW's luggage in the trunk is not anti-180; it's an appropriate, necessary job that needs to be done, so it gets done. Being confrontational, passive-aggressive, or "sending messages" (nonverbal or verbal) is *very* anti-180.

Anon, your job is to be firm, calm, stoic, independent, strong. Aka a man. Not a middle schooler.

Anon, please don't pick her up at the airport. My guess is that you are barely strong enough at this point (emotionally) to resist her manipulation attempts. The more you put yourself with her alone the more chance you have of being manipulated, over whelmed and caving into her love bombing and tears. If her anger doesn't work (it hasn't really) then she will switch tactics and try to show you she's "sorry" by crying and begging. She stands to lose a lot. Now that her cake eating on the side has been exposed and she knows the gig is up, she will try to hang on to her comfortable, cozy life. Even if you aren't rich now (as an M.D.) she knows that most M.D.'s make very good money as time passes. She's going to want to hang onto that.

Send an Uber driver, that will send a strong message to her. No talking, less chance of getting manipulated.

I agree with the others who have suggested you do not pick her up from the airport.

You asked her not to go on this trip because you knew her agenda (and to whom she was going to), and she went anyway. Now you're going to pick her up from the airport???

I wouldn't even tell her to find her own ride home from the airport.

(also chiming in to say, despite my previous post: avoid picking her up at the airport if you can.)

If it ends up that you *have* to for some reason, just be careful.

I have lost track on if she knows that you know?

I doubt that you will be able to maintain the 180 in the car with her. In a minute or two she will start to lie about what she was doing and you will bite your tongue off trying to keep from calling her on it. Dangerous to drive when you will be very emotional and distracted.

Say something came up with work and she should take a Uber or cab or send a friend. Meet her at your house.

I have made a list of things I want from her on her return (not a reconciliation list, just preliminary stuff):

1. Parenting 1st. We will each work on ourselves to be the best people and parents we can be

2. Do not talk or focus on our relationship for now

3. Get help (therapist and psychiatrist)

4. No need to try to explain anything, just stop lying for now

5. Stop badmouthing children on social media

This list sure looks like rug sweeping and hoping things go back to normal...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:36 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

If you are implementing the 180, and you should be, you would realize you shouldn't be doing her the courtesy of picking her up at the airport. That's unnecessary contact. And I have a suspicion that contact would be detrimental to your game plan.