SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh and make sure you keep screen shots of all those texts and keep them somewhere safe.

Agreed! Get what you can off the old phone before she gets back!

Assuming she uses the iPhone, the second she realizes that you are using the old phone to get info on her, she can wipe he phone clean via the find my phone app.

I finally got courage to look through all her messages and see how insane she really is. There are pictures of her wearing my stethoscope and white coat and then messages to the OM saying she had a hard day at work (she is SAHM).

Screenshot and put somewhere safe. All messages and pics. Do this immediately.

I think she is literally psychotic.

Maybe, maybe not. WS can seem "crazy" when they're in affair mode. It's very rare that that's the actual case, but it is possible.

I just reread my first post. Here's one line, verbatim: "I truly think she’s experiencing a psychological condition."

The condition was just that she had a boyfriend and was acting in some very common WS ways.

I do regret seeing the horrible things I saw, but there isn’t anybody else to do it for me.

Hard to look at, but I'm glad you saw that stuff. You need truth to live in truth. You need to know your reality so you can make smart, healthy decisions for you and your kids.

Is there a benefit to not waiting a few days? Lawyer recommended waiting until things “cooled down”.

Each situation is different, I guess. I'm wondering what there is behind the lawyer's reasoning is for letting things "cool down." Maybe some attorneys here can give you some insight. In general, the divorce process can be stopped at any time, so it's not like it's "dangerous" to file asap (as far as I can tell).

WW has e-mailed me again saying she wants marriage counseling,

Glad you can see how silly this is. Whatever you do, DON'T do this. The two of you are not in a place for that, could do a lot more damage. IC for both of you is fine.

She will of course try to manipulate things when she gets home but I know the truth and I know exactly what she is doing now.

Yeah. Familiar with Keats at all?

You indicated earlier in this thread that you confronted your WW while driving her to the airport and told her you knew about the A and that if she saw the OM on the trip the marriage is over. She said she would cut the trip short and not see him. She lied and she is currently in Sydney having sex with the OM. She knew the consequences if she did this. There is no “cooling off” from this total disrespect and betrayal. I think you should file today. The sooner you file the sooner you have this toxic woman out of your home. I also cringe at the thought of subjecting your children to an emotional discussion with her. She has how you in the past how she will act in front of them. Tell your attorney to file now.

I second that! 🔼

File today!

With respect to waiting to file I would be guided by your lawyer. Most lawyers know people do not think clearly in the moment and may do things contrary to their self interest. The second best outcome is that she agrees to terms for the divorce, which will save you a good deal of money and likely lead to better co-parenting down the road.

I would wait until you see her. But beware - she may look like the woman you married - but she is not.

Anon, I have been reading your posts since you started doing so and I am horrified by what your WW is doing and amazed by the patience with which you are trying to handle it. I feel for you and I am so sorry. Your wife's behavior is very similar to mine as I also had discovered a little more than a year ago the pictures of her genitals and stuff she sent to random men she met online. I am separated now, waiting to proceed with D but feel much better now knowing that the madness that was taking place right under my nose has ended ! I am sure you will feel the same way, too. The bitterest truth is better than the sweetest lie and chasing after the truth and living with it is a much better outcome than ignoring it, which is what some might suggest at times. You are on the right track, ugly times might be waiting for you but know that these times are temporary. You took a strong stand, know what is wrong and what is right and the way you handle your WW's craziness is one of the inspiring stories here. Sending you strength and patience.

[This message edited by burcm at 9:38 AM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

I disagree, though not strongly on the cooling down period. She is currently defined as "unreasonable". Reason is not something available to people in her shoes. She needs to be hit with reality for any possibility of reason to enter the playing field.

It's not like this is all unknown, she knows anon knows, anon knows he knows. THIS is the cooling down period while he's quite literally being cuckolded from the sidelines.

He needs to get out of this asap if this is the path it's going down. If filing today means he gets out in 58 days instead of 60, then good. We have helped save this man of a previous 2 days of his life that he'll never get back.

WW e-mailed me to say she wanted to have a “very long, in-depth conversation” when she gets back. I read this as “get ready for lies and blame-shifting”, but I am prepared for that. I have been biting my tongue and been aware of most of her lies from day one. I am going to follow the steps set forward in the 180 and see what happens.

The lawyer is very much into protecting the children. He is worried that I am the stable influence in their life and is worried that with divorce proceedings and my work schedule I will be out of the equation.

As far as filing goes, I will use the recommendation of my attorney who I’ll speak to before WW comes home. When I told him I wanted to serve her at the airport he said that would only enrage her and make going forward more difficult. He is correct that the children are priority #1 and if I must suffer for them I will.

When I told him I wanted to serve her at the airport he said that would only enrage her and make going forward more difficult.

Probably good advice. Doing these kind of showy sort of things might make you feel better in the short-term but they will almost always blow up on you. Just continue calmly and listen to the advice of your lawyer. I would have the papers ready for this "in-depth conversation" though.

he wanted us to have a discussion with the kids before that happened.

This is part of what makes me nervous for you. I'm worried that this confrontation is going to happen at your house, right when she gets home, and your children are going to be witness to the craziness.

I'm not sure how old your children are, but in general, I'm not a fan of involving kids in adult problems.

I understand the necessity of letting them know what's going on (and not lying to them) at the appropriate time, but really at this point do you think you both can "have a discussion with the children before you file?"

If you finally figure out when she's coming home, is there a way to have the children somewhere else for that day? Then you can get her out of the house and explain to them in age-appropriate terms what's happening.

The potential histrionics really concern me.

I'd expose this to your friends and family now. I wouldn't pick her up at the airport. And I don't really see a need to wait on the divorce either. Just file already, you know where this is headed.

The thing is anon...by screwing all these other dudes, she killed your marriage. It is over. By going off to NZ with those dudes she delivered the message that she doesn't care about you.

She fired you!

And now it isn't your job anymore to care about her.

Personally, I would have made her take a cab to the airport while I was busy at my lawyers office filing the D paperwork.

You are WAY behind the curve on this.

The best way to protect your kids is to file ASAP and get her out of your life.

The ONLY thing that needs to be discussed is the childcare arrangements, and later the settlement in mediation if possible.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 12:20 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

she wanted to have a “very long, in-depth conversation” when she gets back.

I interpret this as being the very important talk about how bad you are, how your drove her to it, how you are to blame, kind of in-depth conversation.

You can’t win in that type of conversation with someone as manipulative as she appears to be.

You can control the narrative and length of this upcoming long "conversation". If you shut down anything she says that entails blame shifting, gas lighting, excuse making, lying, trickle truthing, or histrionics; she's not going to have much left to say.

All you're left with is:

This is what you did.

This is how I know.

This is what I'm going to do.

Then you can end the conversation, implement the 180, file for divorce, and get ready to start a new life without her.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:16 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

My goal of such a “conversation” would be to listen. I have nothing else I want to say to her (scream maybe, but I will just listen). I agree it will be quite painful to listen to when she just blames me for everything wrong with her life... but listening to her spin bullshit would help me to get the sheriff over here the next day (to serve her).

I would guess what she will do is return at her normal scheduled time then sleep for 2 days straight. She will awake cold and distant, watch Real Housewives of Somewhere and try to pretend nothing happened. I doubt she will actually want to talk, which will also lead me to file. I suspect she is so unhappy here with the kids and me that she may be relieved when I file.

[This message edited by anon789 at 1:17 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Anon,

If you don't already have enough on her to have already made a decision to divorce her, then you will obviously be susceptible to her manipulation. I'm sure that's exactly what she's counting on.

When I initially put my WW out of the house after confronting her, our conversation was less than 3 minutes. She new she was busted.

After I had calmed down a few days later, I called her to tell her that we could have a conversation if she was willing to answer all my questions truthfully. I did that, even though I planned on divorcing her because I wanted details and her motivation. She came over, and we had a 2 hour conversation (which I secretly recorded) that consisted solely of me asking and her answering. I wouldn't allow anything else.

Don't get in a back and forth with her about marital issues. The subject should only be about her cheating. You need to speak with her confidently and calmly. You can always end the conversation and walk away if she gets off track; and try again later, but hold to your ground rules if you do.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:49 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

Hanging onto hope that she’ll have an epiphany at this point after all the damage is fruitless IMO.

All you’re doing is setting yourself up for more time in limbo

There is no way to avoid talking to her.

One thing I found out in my prosecutor days: people get very emotional when their lies are shown to them. There is nothing a liar hates more than being called a liar. In fact liars are often the first to call other people liars.

There is so much she has done that is shameful and embarrassing. Not just the affair, but the fake pictures (make sure you lawyer says it is legal to access her phone btw). When I confronted my wife she fell apart.

Be very careful about that "long talk". It almost makes sense to have it at a restaurant or public place.

ETA listening is a good strategy.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 1:42 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]