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Wife just called to FaceTime the kids. I went to the opposite side of the house to do something (we are in the middle of a blizzard so I couldn’t leave) and my 8-year-old brought me the phone. Lol

WW told me she was coming back on her original flight, I said “I know”. She said her phone wasn’t showing my work schedule (guaranteed lie), I said “uh huh”. She said goodbye and I politely said “Say hello for me” and hung up with a shit eating grin on my face.

I will double check the legality of my invasion of my WWs phone but I believe it is legal because it is considered “discarded”. I have some wonderfully disgusting pictures of her masturbating to show her during our talk if necessary. “Every time you blame-shift I’m emailing one of these out to your family!” That would be fun. Just kidding, seriously, nobody should see those. I think she found the only other guy(s) on the planet who would watch balding, middle-age, mother-of-3 pornography.

I will maintain composure when she gets back and continue as my lawyer instructs. Now I prepare and wait for Friday night.

Tell her the time for marriage counseling and an in depth talk was BEFORE she cheated.

Sorry you are here but I think you are handling it well.

I suspect she is so unhappy here with the kids and me that she may be relieved when I file.

lol no...

You are her security blanket, friend. She's going to go into a full panic. Don't buy the tears. Pay attention to how she is acting before you confront. That's who you are really dealing with.

Glad you are moving forward Anon. I hope your VAR arrives before hand. You said you also have one video camera. Maybe getting a couple more for different rooms in the house could be benifiscal.

Are you relocating her somewhere else in the house to sleep? You earned the right to stay in your marital bedroom without her. You have kept your vows and held up with the responsibility of caring for your children while she purposely choose to step outside of your marriage and into POSOM arms.

I hope you can stay calm when you are finally confronted with her arrival home. Things rarely go as planned. Stay firm in your 180 approach and do not engage in any other talk outside the kids.

On as side note, it would be great if you sent her a car service to pick her up using her fake name she is using in NZ.

Beware a manipulative spouse. She knows where ALL of your buttons are and probably thinks she can get you to fold by pushing them in all the ways that have worked for her before.

There is no remorse in her at this time. She is not going to remarkably become remorseful on her flight over the ocean. Don’t buy into crocodile tears...

On as side note, it would be great if you sent her a car service to pick her up using her fake name she is using in NZ.

Seeing that you have the OM’s telephone number, I think it’d be funny as hell to send him a text with your wife’s real name/actual Facebook, occupation, and pictures of your family together. It’ll surely blowup any fantasy he has about your wayward wife.

Anon, is there any way you can make sure the kids are not at home when she arrives? Maybe she isn't the drama type but it would be horrible for them to see a blowup. I applaud your efforts to protect them at all times.

And please translate "Have a long talk" as "I want to bullshit you and keep you as my provider while I f*** other men".

Hi Anon,

I think you are doing well in very trying circumstances. I just wanted to pass on a couple of observations, purely for you to think about. These are in no way criticisms; they are being said purely to add to your armory (hopefully!)

Earlier today, you wrote:

WW e-mailed me to say she wanted to have a “very long, in-depth conversation” when she gets back. I read this as “get ready for lies and blame-shifting”, but I am prepared for that.

My thoughts on this are:

(1) Just because she wants a 'very long, in depth conversation' does not mean that there has to be one. So far, she has done exactly what she wanted, but she is no longer calling the shots. You are. So think about what you want when she gets back. If that does not include a lengthy bullshit and 'I'm the victim' session, as everyone thinks your wife is planning, then she will just have to live with it.

In relation to that, you wrote:

My goal of such a “conversation” would be to listen. I have nothing else I want to say to her (scream maybe, but I will just listen). I agree it will be quite painful to listen to when she just blames me for everything wrong with her life... but listening to her spin bullshit would help me to get the sheriff over here the next day (to serve her).

(2) I can see your reasoning there, but why not get a bit more proactive and make yourself a checklist of points that you want to cover, regardless of her agenda, and if she keeps trying to derail the discussion, or make it all about her, then just cut it short. That means planning how you will cut it short. What you will say, and what you will do. Have a think about that, because you do not have to sit through hours of nonsense purely because it suits your wife to make you do that.

Badmemory summed things up brilliantly:

You can control the narrative and length of this upcoming long "conversation". If you shut down anything she says that entails blame shifting, gas lighting, excuse making, lying, trickle truthing, or histrionics; she's not going to have much left to say.

All you're left with is:

This is what you did.

This is how I know.

This is what I'm going to do.

Then you can end the conversation, implement the 180, file for divorce, and get ready to start a new life without her.

(3) Think about whether or not the kids should be there when she returns. Personally, I think it would be better for everyone if they weren't. Is there anyone close to you that they could stay with for a couple of days? Good friends, or a relative? Seriously, you have a couple of days to get something fixed up, and if you can get the kids away for the first couple of days, I think that would be very wise.

(4) Choose your location for this talk carefully. Redsox13 makes a very good point here:

Be very careful about that "long talk". It almost makes sense to have it at a restaurant or public place.

If the talk takes place somewhere public, it limits your wife's potential for flaring up, and it gives you the perfect situation for getting up and walking out if you have had enough.

Alternative suggestion: "Yes, my love, we can have a long and in depth conversation, but it will be in my lawyer's office, with him acting as my witness". Talk to your lawyer and see what he thinks about this.

The point is, you can control as many elements of this as you want to. Time, location, content, and whether it is an epic discussion or you briefly stating your case. Just to reiterate: she is no longer calling the shots. You are. I think you are starting to see that now, and I am glad for you.

I like Drumstick's thought above.

That would be a great moment

I do not agree with your long talk. She has spoken with her actions. She put up the middle finger to you and is now off with OM.

Stop playing around and file to protect your kids, your assets and your self.

I would tell her no need for MC, a long talk or anything ekse. By what you sent she knows D is likely and still ran off with OM.

Use the app and let it go

Please reread Chili’s post on page 14. I’ve got a passion for the kids who get caught in the crossfire. My kids have suffered greatly. So please, please really do put them first and protect them from witnessing what could be a horrible showdown. Surely you can come up with a plan to keep them away from this have them stay with friends or family. I VEHEMENTLY disagree with your lawyer’s suggestion to have a talk with them about the situation when your wife gets home. Way too volatile! Please do not subject them to this.

You and your wife need to decide what you are going to do. Just the two of you and perhaps your attorney(s). Once you have a plan in place, that is the time to sit with the children and calmly tell them about the plan going forward. You need to reassure them that mommy and daddy still love them no matter what and that you will still be good parents to them even if you are not married to one another. You need to reassure them that this is in no way their fault and that they will always be safe and taken care of.

.

Your kids are going to go through enough as a result of what your wife has done. Please don’t add trauma to their lives that isn’t necessary on top of the hurt they will already feel.

I’m guessing they already feel neglected and abandoned by their mom in the current situation. They need a lot of love and reassurance once she returns and things take a turn. I wouldn’t count on her to take their well-being into account, as she is in a supremely selfish state of mind. It is up to you to protect them and their emotional well-being right now.

I am truly sorry for what you are facing. I wish you so much strength to stand your ground and refuse to let this woman manipulate you one more day.

Anon - you’re getting great advice here from the experts. Man I wish I had this team behind me years ago when I was in your shoes.

Just a few thoughts to share:

Please do not pick up your WW from the airport. It goes against EVERYTHING you’re looking to do here.

There’s no need for a long conversation when she returns, she’s going to say a whole lotta batshit crazy nonsense. Most of it will be lies and none of it will matter in your life anyway. I would try to keep it as short as possible and walk away.

Take it slow when she returns and stay calm if you can. She’s going to rile you up with her nonsense. Picture the room you’re in filled with your SI team. We will be there with you in spirit (and in the actual posts to follow) and know that we know the truth and have your back. You are not alone brother.

Stay strong and good luck.

Anon, your equanimity is nothing short of amazing. I'm wondering if you aren't in shock.

You don't want your children around for the initial "conversation." You are worried about her volatility, but I'm worried you may not realize the depth of your own emotions and where this could go. How your children find out about their parents' marital issues will be important to their development and psychological wellbeing for the rest of their lives. If you don't want to have such a private conversation in a public place, perhaps you could have a mediator/witness waiting in another room of your home, just in case.

Please don't pick her up from the airport. This is such an emotional time and you will not be in a good place to operate a motor vehicle with her in it, possibly screaming at you and crying hysterically.

Some thoughts about filing for D now. If you wait to see how things go, she might take the upper hand and go do it herself first, particularly if she thinks you are going to do it. She might even be allowing you to think she wants to talk when she is really just trying to buy time to get what she wants out of the house and get to an attorney. You must at least consider this possibility. Also, for your own healing, I think you need to be the one to file. Just because you file doesn't mean you have to go through with it. Truthfully, you don't even know what you really want or what is going to happen. This could go any direction, including toward R. One thing about filing, it is such a serious message to WS that you won't ever stand for this behavior and if she ever does become truly remorseful and committed to R, because your response was so serious, she will think long and hard before traipsing down the wayward path again. Some BSs don't want to file because they don't want to D and think it will cinch it. If she doesn't fight to keep your marriage by doing everything a WS should do to help you heal and restore your trust, then you aren't losing anything that wasn't already lost. If so, in this case your M is already dead and by moving to the next step, you will be taking control of the funeral arrangements and speeding up the grieving process.

You hear time and again on SI that you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. I know how true this is firsthand. For me, things didn't get better until I forced the affair out into the light and stopped protecting my FWS. This seems to be true for most on SI. If your WS is using a fake name, likely the OM doesn't know her real identity, that she is married, and so on. Once she is on that long plane ride home, contact him to let him know who he has been carrying on with. I wouldn't recommend any other contact after you out her identity. Highly likely she has been lying to him as well.

Take charge of the narrative with OM, as well as with family and friends. Don't wait for her to move out of your bedroom--move her stuff before she gets back. Hand her the D papers when you speak with her. Through these actions, you will start to reclaim your power and begin to regain any dignity you may have lost to this horrific experience. Putting your children first doesn't mean you have to put yourself last.

I was so proud for you when I saw that you stopped avoiding and faced your pain squarely head on by looking at the cheater porn on her phone. I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. It truly does get better and you can greatly speed up the time you spend in this dreadful state of being.

Some very well thought-out posts here. I will tell her to get a taxi/Uber when she returns. When I speak to my attorney, I will ask about filing, it should be soon. Sleeping arrangements will be tough in our house, no extra beds. Obviously I feel I deserve the bedroom but she won’t see it that way.

She just texted me “I ate kangaroo”. I’ve been ignoring all her non-child related texts, but they still continue. She is also posting images of her trip on Facebook, and I wonder if “friends” notice how strange this whole thing is. Not sure if I’d notice vacation pictures of a married friend alone to be weird (and their spouse not commenting).

Many people have told me (here and at work) that I don’t need to have a talk with her. Obviously that’s true, but for some reason I want to try to reason with a shark. I am going to pack a bag in my car in case I need to cut the conversation very short.

I don’t think she believed me when I told her I knew everything. I have been so tempted to send OM a text to blow this up or just send my wife any number of images which would prove I know. This wouldn’t serve any purpose except to make me feel good for a few minutes.

She sent an “in-game” message to the OM indicating she is still playing “Hanging with Friends” with him. I’m to wonder why she would use a game chat if she were with him in person (but who knows).

In case you didn't know this already she probably sent this message so that they could continue their "talking/arranging to meet up" via the ingame chat. She did this shortly after she realized you might have figured out how to get her phone messages and he had been sending multiple messages trying to figure out what was going on.

Hi Anon,

I will tell her to get a taxi/Uber when she returns.

Terrific. That is better than you picking her up.

When I speak to my attorney, I will ask about filing, it should be soon.

Asking is fine, but there is no harm in you insisting that it should be soon, if that is what you want.

Sleeping arrangements will be tough in our house, no extra beds. Obviously I feel I deserve the bedroom but she won’t see it that way.

It could be argued that she has forfeited her right to make any demands, but if you can't be bothered to fight with her about this, you can probably pick up a decent inflatable mattress at a camping store, plus a plug-in inflator for it. Of course, it can be used by either of you, but if you want to minimise the discussions and arguments, and be away from her, it is a reasonably comfortable option that is cheaper than a hotel and it is better than you leaving the home to crash at a friend's place or in a hotel. However, depending on how things pan out, you may want to consider getting a sofa-bed if the two of you are going to co-habit for any length of time.

Many people have told me (here and at work) that I don’t need to have a talk with her. Obviously that’s true, but for some reason I want to try to reason with a shark. I am going to pack a bag in my car in case I need to cut the conversation very short.

Fair enough. Do you have an emergency place to stay prepared? I don't think you should leave the home for a prolonged period, to avoid any potential for her to claim 'abandonment'.

I don’t think she believed me when I told her I knew everything. I have been so tempted to send OM a text to blow this up or just send my wife any number of images which would prove I know. This wouldn’t serve any purpose except to make me feel good for a few minutes.

I think you should be careful about sending digital proof to anyone who might be a potential enemy of your acquisition of their communications. If you did want to shake any of the OMs up, you can tell them who your WW really is, and tell them you know about the communications and pictures because your WW told you about them. They can then raise hell with her about why she told, she will deny it, they will ask how you know, and she can only guess that you must have accessed the communications, because she will not have any hard evidence of it. If she keeps insisting she did not tell you, and you stick to our story that she did, she will just look like a liar, and the OMs may start avoiding her. Or you can just not bother with them at all, and dedicate your time to you and your kids. That might be a better investment of your time, mightn't it?

I think you are doing very well, Anon.

Many people have told me (here and at work) that I don’t need to have a talk with her. Obviously that’s true, but for some reason I want to try to reason with a shark.

anon789

You’re like me and always have the desire to set the record straight.

I have been so tempted to send OM a text to blow this up or just send my wife any number of images which would prove I know. This wouldn’t serve any purpose except to make me feel good for a few minutes.

anon789

That and by knowing what you know you’re giving her a framework for making up the most minimized story that fits.

I don't think you should leave the home for a prolonged period, to avoid any potential for her to claim 'abandonment'.

You mean, like going to New Zealand? And blowing off the kids for days at a time? I hope you have been documenting all the time she has been gone, as well as not contacting your kids. This needs to be brought up in any custody battle.

No way in hell would I give up the bedroom. She can sleep on the couch. Put a lock on the bedroom door.

Why not an hour before her arrival you send a car for her and have the car deposit her at your lawyers office?

I think that it’s is a bad idea to be alone with her initially.

I am going to pack a bag in my car in case I need to cut the conversation very short.

Damn, you're getting good. Intelligent forethought is the hallmark of a successful 180-guy.

That said, I agree with another poster: try not to leave the house for any extended period of time. If you do have to, be sure to document and get advice here about exactly what happened and what you should do next.

Be careful with the kids. Think about them more than anything.

At the end of the day, just anticipate. That includes anticipating your own emotions. Keep yourself in check, stay in control of yourself. Come out of the situation (whatever it ends up looking like) with nothing to regret.