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I think going back to journal writing would be a good start. I can defo do that. I would find it therapeutic writing down angry things and then finishing it off with a positive/s of the day. Think I might go and get myself a nice big, bright note pad and start tomorrow. My previous one was called a rant a day book. Soon filled it. But that was more about my feelings. I also need to toughen up when it comes to him. I find myself feeling sorry for him and sending him pics of our DD when he asks. When really I should be saying sod off you pillock you’ve decided you don’t want to see her everyday now so no pictures allowed. The problem is I’m scared of what people will think of me if I turn into this bitch. I kind of want to be the bigger person and walk away with dignity. I never did anything like he did then and that makes me a much better person. One because I didn’t cause any of this and then two, having the ability to just move on with my head held high. But there is a fine line between that and being a walk over, which I’m struggling with at the moment. I’ve never been a walk over before, I would actually jump too soon when it came to pulling people up and saying something. But in this instance I’m stood still and lack the ability. Presumably that’s the depression and when I feel better I’m hoping I will just burst into myself again.

I find myself feeling sorry for him and sending him pics of our DD when he asks. When really I should be saying sod off you pillock you’ve decided you don’t want to see her everyday now so no pictures allowed. The problem is I’m scared of what people will think of me if I turn into this bitch.

Be as compassionate with yourself as you would with any one of us. If I wasn't in R, would you think that I'm being a bitch if I didn't send photos on request to my ex? If not, why would you think that about yourself?

Your WH fired you from the job of being his helpmeet, and he did it in a callous, deceitful way which is utterly undeserving of sympathy. No one's going to think badly of you for standing up for yourself. And frankly, if someone did, I'd much rather they think me a "bitch" than a doormat. At least that way, they'd take a wide berth and I wouldn't have to put up with them.

You're doing fine. Really. This is one of the most difficult experiences in life. Be gentle with yourself.

((hugs))

You can have your anger and all your feelings and still walk away with dignity. You're not a doormat. You're going through something terribly difficult. Treat yourself with respect, kindness, understanding, and love - that is how you leave with dignity and with your head held high. You no longer owe him those things. They are all for you and your DD now. His loss!

And people can be very understanding even though you don't need to worry so much about what others may think, although feeling that way is understandable. Go easy on yourself.

I was frozen solid for a long time, frozen in fear and sadness. It thaws, and your anger will help push you forward. If you need to be a bitch, then so be it. Sounds like the depression has a bit of a hold, and surely you will feel more like yourself once it dissipates. See your doc if you need some meds to see you through, no shame in that. Agree with the idea that depression is anger turned inwards. I am built that way myself but my anger came. So will yours. Hang in there.

I go through mixed emotions of feeling bad for WH, feeling sad, and hating him all at the same time. It's part of the roller coaster ride, but if you can remind yourself to focus on you and remember who you are dealing with, it's helpful.

Yeah I think the main thing is going easy on myself. I feel like a failure at times and that I’m NC and then I’m not etc. I’m just going along with things because I don’t have it in me to fight at times. I’ve been frozen by the bus that has hit be from behind. I want nothing more than to start to be angry and fight for what I know. But maybe you’re right it will come and I just have to wait and go easy on myself until it does.

I feel like I don’t know what else to do. But there isn’t anything else I can do. I’m in limbo and will just have to ride it out. Healing for me isn’t going to happen until our house is sold and I’m away from him and moving on. I have considered time and time again to move out of the family home and into my mothers. My gut tells me this all the time - but I’m not sure what is holding me back. The thought of him moving back in and then maybe OW coming to stay. He doesn’t deserve an easy ride and a free house. But all the while I’m living a nightmare being there because nothing has changed in that respect. We are just there waiting around almost. Even though I’m not in a lot of ways. Im keeping myself busy and he doesn’t come in the house anymore.

NB, maybe I missed it, but have you spoken with a lawyer to learn your rights and what you are entitled to? Gathering practical information may be something to consider at this point. You may want to talk with a few as they have different approaches. Has your house been listed? Part of knowing your rights may include how to keep him out of the house while it sells. You could make a list of questions for the lawyer. An initial meeting and having your questions answered doesn't mean you have to act on anything right away. Consider it information gathering to help you with next steps.

Yeah I saw one right in the beginning and have a friend who knows a family lawyer that I have accessed for information now and again. I can’t stop him entering the house, it’s half his and I can’t change the locks. I could only do this if he was a threat to me.

We had our first blazing row this morning when he came to collect DD. He’s so angry towards me and aggressive - something else I have never seen before! We were sorting out DD and shared childcare. I had said yes, yes, yes to many dates. Then saw a pattern emerging where he wasn’t having her on a Wednesday evening (due to her being at my mums on a Thursday and he wouldn’t want to see or make the effort to do this, but blaming work commitments) so I suggested he had her on a Wednesday. To which he replied it wasn’t convenient. Well this whole fucking thing isn’t convenient but tough shit. I then started with the truth, but kept calm. He’s selfish and flies off the handle if I don’t do everything he says etc etc. This then turned into him flying towards me and shouting (can’t remember what he said) in my face. I pushed him away and then he started the whole. I always blame him, what if no one is to blame. He wanted to do MC but I won’t go there and discuss issues like this. The MC says it’s no ones fault! I’m pathetic, go away I don’t want to talk to you! We just aren’t compatible- shame it’s taken you 15 years, marriage, two house moves and a child to realise this. You moron!

The truth hurts rights?! How the fuck can he think he isn’t to blame for this?! OMG!

And there you have your answer... he wants you to attend this quack marriage counsellor so you can hear EXACTLY what he wants you to here. That this is NOT his fault!

Except it is his fault! I bet he’s not opening up about his previous cheating.

This is why so many of us have no time for marriage counselling. Trouble for him is, this idiot ‘MC’ is just prolonging the fucked up state he’s in.

Hope you’re starting to feel that anger?!?

ETA he’s clearly getting angry because you’ve stopped him cake eating! Good work!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 11:49 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

What the hell does he expect????

1. I haven’t gone to the solicitors

2. I’m not being awkward about him seeing his daughter

3. I’m not asking him to CSA

4. I’m not burning his clothes, smashing up the house and beating him!

5. Well not yet anyway!

I think I have been very amicable so far. Please can someone hit him on the head so he can actually wake up. I feel like I’m living in a different world. How the hell can he think it isn't his fault?! And then it’s turned on me...I’m the awkward one. He’s like a child! He wouldn’t tell me when he is returning our DD tomorrow and told me to fuck off. Its laughable really.

If this is what he wants, why isn’t he happy and skipping off into the sunset? What’s the anger for! Shouldn’t I be the one who’s angry.

Yep! The poor little fake hero wants his cake and you are not giving it to him. So now he's throwing a fit because he can't have what he wants. This is so typical. And it absolutely is his fault. He is a broken cheater who threw his life away. The MC is inept and likely just another one to feed his fragile ego. You are not going along with "his plan" to make himself look good and like he did "all the right things" which is complete and utter bullshit. You keep taking care of you and DD.

The anger is because this little narcissist has had his kibble quota halved. He’s pissed off you’re not falling for his bullshit. You’re holding a mirror up to him and he doesn’t like what he’s seeing but it’s your fault for holding that mirror. It’s absolutely typical cheater behaviour.

Sorry but I’m not sure he’ll wake up until he truly realises he’s lost everything. He’s so entitled and selfish.

Keep on your path, keep moving forward, keep enjoying time with your lovely girl.

I feel like walking into that MC and giving her a piece of my mind! She’s feeding his ego and so will be his OW. No doubt his parents are too. He is a weak specimen of a man and the more people I speak to the more people admit they never really liked him and he’s an arrogant shit. Even friends we’ve had for 10 years have said they were friends with us for me and not him. Their friends who have only met him on the odd occasion have said he’s arrogant and entitled.

He’s fitting our DD in when it suits him but because he’s seeing her this makes him look like a hero too!

God this is so hard. How can I be portrayed as the perpetrator here? I just can’t believe it. Why would the MC do that? Just because I didn’t go in there kicking and screaming. Well let’s see how long it takes for him to try and contact me again and what approach he has.

It feels good to take the control back, despite having a blazing row but I’m fed up with my inner person worrying about what people think of me. I’m sat here now thinking. Oh he will of told his parents I’m being awkward and they will believe him. Even though deep down his mum knows what he is like.

But let’s not forget woman just love him.

Well he just showed up this morning with DD. But I was out running...he was very sheepish and as nice as pie, like nothing had even happened. OMG I can’t cope!

A nice day to be had I think to detach myself from his hurricane that is no ones fault. And another one to add to the healing process.

There is another poster, ScoobyDoo, whose friends also told her in the aftermath of her discovering her husband’s long-term infidelity that they never really liked him, and were surprised at her chronic blindness or apologies for his self-entitled behavior. IC was extremely helpful to her in recognizing how abusive he was, and to find strength to get out. Her WH freaked out and became violent, which I hope does not happen in your case, but flying at you and screaming in your face IS abusive, so do be careful. Maybe read Scooby’s story as both guidance and warning.

And do let go of your worries about what others may think. People who know you know you. And they know him. Just be your kind but strong self.

I wish you strength.

How can I be portrayed as the perpetrator here? I just can’t believe it. Why would the MC do that?

He has probably fed her some sob story, poor me I am doing all the right things, and she is not bending to my every whim! If the MC can't see it, that is on the MC not you. Unfortunately some mental health professionals do not have experience with enough betrayed spouses to see the pattern of destruction this causes the BS and their whole life. Some are not trauma informed and/or don't take the time to truly educate themselves. From what I've read on SI many seem to take the "half is the betrayed's fault" approach, which is ridiculous because the betrayed has been traumatized and had their agency taken away when the WS chose to deceive them and break a sacred bond of trust and love. If he was frustrated or unhappy with you or his marriage, there are numerous ways he could have dealt with or approached the situation. Instead he selfishly chose to pursue his own interests without any regard to what that would do to you or your DD. He cheated. He lied. He broke yours and your DD's trust. Despite what was going on in the M, you did not lie, cheat, and steal the agency of your husband and life partner. You are in no way the perpetrator!

If others are saying they see in him arrogance and entitlement, then you really do know it's not just you who can see through his facade. These people also very likely know it's not your fault, and if the MC, OW, and his family think he is so great, let them have him! One interesting thing about all of this, is you will find out who is left standing by your side, who can see through the cloud of fake hero-ness, and who see that you in no way deserve to be treated this way - these are your peeps! It's not always who you think it will be, but you will know who your true friends are. Plus you will make new friends who have nothing to do with him.

It's unacceptable that he refuse to tell you when he's bringing your daughter back or that he get up in your face like that. And I know we've talked about how overwhelmed you've been feeling in the face of hiring an attorney and starting the D process, but sweetie, that shit stops once the law is on your side. In most jurisdictions, parents have equal rights to the child. There's nothing in place to make him bring her back or to stop him from taking her out of the country.

What's holding you back from making a legal break with him? Are you hoping he's going to snap out of it? What does his behavior tell you?

We had our first blazing row this morning when he came to collect DD. He’s so angry towards me and aggressive - something else I have never seen before! We were sorting out DD and shared childcare. I had said yes, yes, yes to many dates. Then saw a pattern emerging where he wasn’t having her on a Wednesday evening (due to her being at my mums on a Thursday and he wouldn’t want to see or make the effort to do this, but blaming work commitments) so I suggested he had her on a Wednesday. To which he replied it wasn’t convenient. Well this whole fucking thing isn’t convenient but tough shit. I then started with the truth, but kept calm. He’s selfish and flies off the handle if I don’t do everything he says etc etc. This then turned into him flying towards me and shouting (can’t remember what he said) in my face. I pushed him away and then he started the whole. I always blame him, what if no one is to blame. He wanted to do MC but I won’t go there and discuss issues like this. The MC says it’s no ones fault!

And now you see EXACTLY why he was pushing MC so hard on you. It wasn't to repair the marriage. It was to keep a third party present so you would be cooperative during the discard. This is pretty much the same as taking you to a nice restaurant to break up with you, not for the food and ambiance, but because you won't make a scene.

And you see what happens when you do shine a light on the flaws in his fantasy, right? He goes to fucking pieces and shows you the monster under the mask. You think you're the only one who's ever going to be on the receiving end of that? What happens when your DD gets big enough to challenge him?

Sweetie, I know you're scared. I know it. But sometimes we just have to gut up and do what's necessary. Protect yourself. Protect your DD. Get custody orders and settlement in place. If it helps you to feel strong, pack up and go to your parents. Talk to an attorney about keeping him out of the home while it's sold. Talk to your realtor about making the sale a priority. Hell, change realtors if necessary. The fact that he still thinks he can get up in your face or refuse to tell you when he's bringing DD back are scary problems, but you are NOT alone. You just have to hire the right help.

((big hugs))

Nothing is stopping me making a legal break from him. I want this more than anything. But I wanted to do it without solicitors to prevent the cost. But will be a given if/when he starts to become difficult about money.

I am hoping he snaps out of it for the sake of our DD but am fully aware this isn’t going to happen. I don’t miss him or want him back I just want this situation to go away. I want him out of my life so I can move on. I feel strangled by it all everyday and I know I have to pick myself up and get myself out of the situation. But I don’t know where to start. I have just asked my friend to put me in touch with someone who has just been through it all so she can give me some advice also. I think I can go and see citizen advice also, so I am going to go and book this appointment.

He messaged me earlier to say: I didn’t like falling out the other day. My reaction was poor and I am disappointed by it. we are both clearly struggling and that spilled out. I am happy to draw a line under it!

Oh well thank you for that half arsed apology and that you will draw a line under it. Because I won’t be. I ignored him and then got a message to say he won’t be able to care for DD after new year (he agreed to have her 2 days whilst I worked) because he’s going on holiday for a week! Obviously with her. I am gobsmacked!

But I wanted to do it without solicitors to prevent the cost. But will be a given if/when he starts to become difficult about money.

You've already seen that he becomes difficult any time he's challenged. How is it that he can afford to take week-long holidays but you can't even hire a solicitor?

Future behavior can be predicted based on past behavior. This guy's past behavior tells you that he will fuck you over, claim it's not his fault, and then get up in your face if you have a problem with it. Perhaps if you open a thread in the Sep/Div forum the good folks there can help you brainstorm some creative ways to finance legal help in the UK? Just a thought.

((big hugs))

Good idea 👍

Hi all...

I need to post to get everything off my chest. I feel absolutely dreadful this morning and have tried numerous things to try and help me feel better. Anxiety back and flight mode that comes with it. I’m manic with thoughts and what I can do instantly to feel better. I feel so betrayed and out of my depth. I just want to be away from my WH. I haven’t stopped thinking about his behaviour at the weekend and him booking a holiday. I can’t cope with the thought that this is now my life. A possible constant fight and him letting DD down.

How can I cope with this overwhelming feeling of being out of my depth. I can’t just bury it and pretend I am happy. Carry on with my day knowing that loads of things need sorting out and the person who these need sorting with is a complete and utter narcissist. I’ve started to read leave a cheater, gain a life but it just makes me feel worse. So many things in it are true but it makes me feel out of control. It putting things into perspective is good and explaining the reality but it’s extremely negative which doesn’t help my mood. Everything in it is doomed. Unless I have missed the chapter that includes empowerment and raising your self esteem following rejection.

I need to move in with my parents and detach myself completely from him. I can’t bring myself to see his picture anymore never mind see his face in the flesh. I’ve reached out to friends but think some of them feel emotional fatigue. They haven’t been through this and are very supportive but I get the impression they want me to just get on with it and they don’t know what else to say to me anymore.

😭😭😭

You stated that he needs changing. You’re struggling so much because you’re stuck thinking that he has the power. You have several options at your disposal to make your own changes. Move to your parents home. Bullies are less likely to bully when others are around. That would be an immediate reprieve and give you a chance to get your head right.

I understand the reticence to getting a solicitor, the cost seems overwhelming but your mental health suffers every day that you are stuck without a plan.

I recognize you, you’re like me...probably a bit codependent and stuck on controlling the situation with wishes and hopes that he’ll be a better father, a better man. I was so lost in the minutiae that I couldn’t seem to see the few things that would, in fact, give me some control. I hope I’m saying this clearly. You’re holding on to the idea that he’ll come around to being a good person for your daughter, putting up with the lack of a clear schedule and ground rules when it’s in your power to pull the trigger, seek your divorce and have the rules laid down for him.

I’m pulling for you, I hope that soon you’ll take advantage of what will help you gain your footing. It’s a crap way to live, thinking “if only he’d do this, if only he’d say that” you cannot change him and wishes will never make him a better man. Whatever anyone else thinks about you, or him for that matter, you have a long life ahead of you and you’ll only ever be in charge of you.