SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's a moot point anyway...

I don't have time to respond to her text or e-mail anyway...I'm too far behind responding to all the advice I'm getting on SI.

It is okay to hope. Keep your hope in a safe place. Do not expose it to her.

I know how much you want to fan the flames of the little embers you see in the emails and text.

Safe place, got it. Good advice.

It is hard to digest that her most effective weapon against YOU would be the love you have for her

You are a quote machine today.

like going hundreds of miles away leavig you with a shit burger to eat

This is not a shit burger...I have 9-10 days with my kids to myself, without the heart-wrenching, confusing presence of my WW. I wanted her to go...she offered me the chance to TELL her not to, and I refused.

Feb....

Take some time to digest this WHOLE thread. 13 pages of advice is alot to swallow. And no one is even offering any condiments!!!

*passing the ranch dressing*

You may just need a few hours to NOT read this stuff...just let what you have soak in. I think it is all just starting to puddle....

went to France for 10 days

I have realized that this too is part of the problem.

It was an amazing trip (don't want to call it once in a lifetime, but...), but we went into debt to go, and imposed on my mom and her husband to watch all three of our kids for 10 days.

We were by far the least affluent people on the trip. The others were discussing their next or previous adventures. It was our first time out of our province since 2000. I know she noticed that fact. While I was appreciative of the chance to experience a trip like this even once, I know that she thought that she should be able to go back every year (hey we'd all like to win the lottery).

Feb,

This is not a shit burger

Really? Really? Wait Really? No shit burger? Then why are you here?

I understand the kids are not part of the shit burger but, no shit burger she left you with?

She told both MC and me that she would be willing to(no WANTS to) stay with me and raise the kids as best friends. This puts the ball back in my court..if I'm not okay with this, then I become the one who chose Divorce and broke up the family. What a load of crap!

Shit Burger!

I also realize that she desperately doesn't want to do to her kids what her parents did to her (D), nor does she want to lose me emotionally, financially and as a co-parent...

Shit Burger!

She said things like she can't be alone without me, that she needs me, etc, but that if we stay together in a real marriage, she'll always be unhappy. I told her that if she had said that to me when I proposed ("Yes, but I'll be unhappy for the rest of my life."), I'd have taken the ring back.

Shit Burger!

She begged and pleaded with me...I held firm "What do you expect me to do? You've never had any physical attraction to me. There has never been any interest in sex."

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did. You used absolutes like never, zero and always and you were so adamant and forceful when you said it"

"Well, it's obviously not true. There's always been something there. I guess it got worse, maybe because you were pushing me away after you found out, I started feeling that way. I don't really feel that way"

Shit Burger!

don't have time to respond to her text or e-mail anyway...I'm too far behind responding to all the advice I'm getting on SI.

She’s riding a bike, your having trouble organizing your life because SI and the affair is dominating your heart and mind. I know I have been there. That is the shit burger I am referring to. Pass the condiments, I’ll show you how to choke it down….

The STD testing!!! Flashback!! wow what a shit burger they hand us to choke down! AGHH THE injustice.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 12:31 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

We were by far the least affluent people on the trip...I know she noticed that fact...I know that she thought that she should be able to go back every year...

Textbook WW stuff. More devaluation of husband to follow as a result. Run rationalization hamster, run.

I know that she thought that she should be able to go back every year

A sense of entitlement is a common characteristic of a WS.

"don't give up on us"= I'm stalling for time

"i miss you"= I hope he bites on this, I need to stall him

"im scared to come home"= thats my excuse for not coming home

Without response she won't know which line to go to next to keep you chasing your tail. Stay strong Feb, stick to your guns.

I have been following your story... never quite sure what to say. I guess I'll start with, I am SO sorry for everything you're going through. Specifically, what your WIFE is PUTTING you through. You are SO level headed, and your posts are so well thought out... ie you're really thinking WELL here! I'm not sure, in your situation, I could have kept my composure!

As a mom, I am BAFFLED by the face that she's, not only gone for 10 days, but missing her child's BIRTHDAY? Really? No way in h*ll I would miss my child's birthday. Ever. I'd have to be in a hospital somewhere, and unconscious to NOT see my child on her birthday! Actually, her birthday was yesterday, lol... and I HAD to make everything about that day special. Me not being there, well that was NOT an option.

Aside from that, what this trip of hers is telling you is that she is selfish. Completely. She has no regard for you, your marriage, your family. She can SAY anything she wants. Blow all the smoke she can muster, but it's her actions that are truly talking here. You know what they're saying, and I'm sorry.

You and your children deserve so much more. I can only hope you get stronger, continue to do a 180, and take care of yourself and your children.

This is not a proper accounting but after page 6 I got sick to my stomach recording shit bugers she left Feb to eat.

I am leaning strongly towards separation at this point, but just thinking of it makes me start to cry for my kids. If you could see how my 9 year old wailed because his mommy (he still calls her that, our 6 year old calls her mom) was leaving for 10 days and imagine what it would be like if she was moving out...?

Big Shit Burger!

I am objectively seeing the cheating and lying (both before and after I found out) and lack of respect, but even worse hearing your words over and over justifying your affairs saying that you were never attracted to me, zero physical attraction, always felt like this, etc...and then you're constantly asking for "Open" or "best friends raising kids together" or "I'll do what you want, BUT understand that I still want to have sex with other men and I'll always be unhappy." These are all things you've said more than twice.

Big Shit Burger!

Believe me, I am completely heartbroken over this. I thought we would last forever, and you know I would have done anything for the person I thought you were and the relationship I thought we had.

Big Shit Burger!

She's has always been a good person, and the fact that she did what she did is killing her...I have started to get other indications of just how uncomfortable she is with her actions and how she is now being perceived...her stubborn insistence to believe this to protect her own self-image may mean the end of our family. Pretty stupid really.

This is the but she is on the trip Shit Burger! How uncomfortable is she really with her actions? You say it’s ok for her to take the trip, but you really wanted her to make the correct decision and state with action that the trip was off because she wanted you and your marriage. Then she chooses wrong and now you’re left blameshifting yourself. “It’s ok, I need time to myself,” but really your just not allowing yourself to see and feel the test in front of her that spoke to her value. Guess what she values? Not your marriage the bike trip. Not your kids birthday, the bike trip. Not your marriage, I want an open marriage. I know Feb, I did the same. Its all a big shit burger. Oh just you wait until you actually have time to attempt to digest the shitburger, mine still sits like acid in my stomache everyday. And my WW gets to look me in the eye as I attempt to choke it down knowing now she wants to reconcile with a man she caused so much pain.

Please dont see this as a bunch of 2x4's but rather an attempt to open your eyes a bit more. Feb, I feel your pain, Hope but showing a few of shit burgers I can change your view of this sitch a bit.

LHAP

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:28 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Shit Burger!

Would it be too awful of me to suggest she be referred to henceforth as Lady Shitburger?

Putting my hand up here to say that I do do ten days away from my children without me (or they) batting an eyelid, and would also re-arrange their birthday celebrations to suit my working schedule.

Everybody's different.

working schedule

Working schedule. Not riding three guys schedule.

Not riding three guys schedule

I thought she was riding a bike?

I know that she thought that she should be able to go back every year (hey we'd all like to win the lottery).

Rise and Shine beat me to this---the sense of entitlement that started to enter her mindset. Man, have I BTDT.

Feb, there is probably not a whole lot worse than what you are going through right now. I absolutely understand you keeping that door ever so slightly ajar in the possibility of her coming back to reality.

And all the while that she has checked out of the real life, you have been in a living hell. If you didn't have children, you would probably already have been in the D/S forum.

But know this--we will ALWAYS have your back.

Yes, we can slam a little harder than you may be wanting at the moment, but you know it is with the best intentions. We can see the daily struggle, and the toll it takes on someone---especially someone who is not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

But I am hoping that you will see that the harsh criticisms really are in your best interests--and your WW's. She too is on a path to self-destruction, and I am sure that the members in the wayward forum would love to see her come back to reality and help her over there.

But she isn't in reality---and she needs hard consequences to help her see the light. And if she doesn't "get it", then she may forever be a lost soul.

Right now it is you and the kids, and you know that. But I have to reiterate the hard line that you need to take with your WW. The longer she behaves like this, the greater the chance that she NEVER realizes the damage she has done. She has done EVERYTHING in her power to blow up your marriage and avoid the consequences. You have to make her look at herself in the mirror. She needs to see who she IS, not who she WAS....and you are the only one with the ability to do that.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 3:32 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

Going with the shit sandwich analogy...

You're saying it's not a shit sandwich? It's really a steak sandwich? That is exactly the dynamic I mentioned in my last post.

My shrink listened to me and CLEARLY saw the shit sandwich. Just like we all here in SI can see your shit sandwich, but you're not there yet.

I take no perverse pleasure in 2x4ing you. I'd like to see you avoid a lot of the pain so many of us here lived. You have been dealt a terrible shock. It is natural to bargain with grief, minimize the shit sandwich. But ultimately that won't help you.

See her actions for what they are -- she is checked out of the M. Only by saving yourself and saying no more can you ever hope to recover your M. Whether or not that can be saved, you can save your sanity.

Feb

Your wife is in a bad place, her "certainity" is off balance, she is off kilter, coming out of the fog...make sure you filter her words in this contexts.

Not a time to misinterpit communication..your words are stong, sure, and focused. Hers, not so much but she is the sick one right now.

don't give up on us...i miss you...im scared to come home...you feel aggressive towards ending things...

SCARED - I don't think she is scared of you, she is scared of the unknown, the consequences of her actions. She is not in control anymore. The scared feeling when we were kids, and in trouble, and sitting ourside the principals/headmasters office - waiting for the consequences.....

AGGRESSIVE - I would conclude this to read, firm, strong, focused, sure...(not aggressive as in dangerious)

Take care of yourself, don't let the stree do too much damage to you and the kids.

[This message edited by maria_2011 at 3:15 PM, March 29th (Tuesday)]

If you really feel the need to respond to her texts, perhaps a nice simple reply like:

Really busy right now, just wanted you to know I got your message. (make sure it is singular, not plural. Leave her wondering if you read all of them, or just one, and which one.)

This will drive her crazy and she might send a bunch more that can be analyzed. It also strongly tells her that she is not the most important thing in the world anymore.

Going with the shit sandwich analogy...

I admit its not a Shark Sandwich.

Back from an hour of street hockey at the park...off to sister's for dinner

She is commuincating only to forestall you taking any action towards D. She isn't interested in coming home to you and kids and working on rebuilding your M. She is interested in keeping you as her babysitter and meal ticket.

Is she keeping you informed about what she is doing with her free time off her bike? What she and the boys are up to? Is she sharing any of her activities with you at all? If not, she doesn't have to lie, she has already been given the free pass and boy is she using it.

No contact between either of us since her text message at 11:30am yesterday.

I will probably have to let her Skype with the kids this evening.

jb3199 - You are absolutely correct. If we didn't have three kids I would be in the S/D forum...BUT we DO, and we will be in each other's lives forever. We have no choice (I believe) to at least be able to say we tried as hard as we could to avoid D for their sake.

jpm0rgan and maria_2011 - I have read and re-read both of your interpretations of her e-mail. I think for now, I have to err on the side of skepticism. She can always convince me otherwise later.

squiffle and jb3199 - I know that you have my best interests at heart.

Time to pack lunches, make breakfasts, get kids ready for school...I will check in later