SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What I have proposed is sex with an escort or other "paid professional", with zero emotional attachment. I just want to experience the sex and get it out of my system, in large part so that I am not tempted to actually have an affair. I don't expect this to balance out our marriage, or do anything magical other than to give me something I want, something I have deprived myself of in order to honor our commitment to each other, which she threw out the window 12 years ago.

I just don't see how that ends well.

First, if it's a paid professional, you won't have the "thrill" element of somebody having sex with you because she wants to.

Second, it puts your WW in a sort of "damned if I do/damned if I don't" posture. If she agrees, then how much does she really value you as a spouse? If she doesn't agree, you'll feel deprived.

Third, I think that in the end it won't scratch the itch you think it will.

Mostly, I think it's injecting poison into the marriage.

It is of course up to the two of you to decide on this, not me, and maybe I'm all wrong about its salutary effect. But my gut says "don't do it." Just my 2 cents.

I agree with "oldtruck".

I agree with oldtruck and Butforthegrace. I can't see how this would end well, either. It's my opinion that it could well make you feel worse.

I appreciate everyone's input (you can bet my wife does even more, hah). I won't take any action on this until after April, my 6 month mark. If I still feel like I want to pursue it at that time, then I'll have a decision to make. I would want her "blessing" but obviously she may not be on board. If I can forgive an affair, I hope she can forgive something that is truly only about the sex. And hopefully I won't feel this strong of an urge at that point and this will be just another bad idea as I work through coping with her A.

I realize of course that your WW injected poison into the marriage. I'm not one of the posters here who thinks a RA is "bringing yourself down" to the level of the WW in every case. In some instances I would support the notion of an RA. Facts and details matter. I just don't see how it does more good than bad in your case, even if it's emotionless and with a paid professional. In fact, I don't see it doing any good.

Your opening up a can of worms.... Not one good thing can come from it. You kind of have your wife on a barrel with this. Perhaps you need to talk to your IC.. The long range consequence for you is not worth the experiance.

How ever you look at this, your breaking your vows. Have you considered something to stimulate your intimacy with your wife..Role modeling etc..

people who are good at heart but still behave badly, easily forgiven because it's "in their nature" and they "didn't mean to hurt anybody".

I'm sorry but this holds no water. The only reason this situation, this assumption exists, is because you and others permit it to. It also isn't true, it's a persona and role these people have learned and play because others let them and it's very beneficial for them.

Mostly, I think it's injecting poison into the marriage.

Here's the thing. The poison is already there. It was ever since his wife had her affair. Imagine it as a poisoned pill up swallowed that simply wasn't being digested yet, keeping the poison contained. His wife felt comfortable and secure enough to make it pop and spring this on him and unlike others here I don't see the great person so many seem to perceive her as.

What's happening here is that the poison is still spreading, still eating away at op and slowly destroying things. It hasn't outright killed his marriage yet because op still calls his wife great, apparently perceives her as very attractive and above his league etc which gave her a cushion. But it seems that's slowly but certainly going away.

Your opening up a can of worms...

That can of worms has already been opened. Whether this is positive for OP or not. None of us can know. Personally, hooking up with someone always helped me get over a bad relationship after it ended.

Most of the people arguing against it, seem to be primarily worried about his WW. Sure this might not do her much good but then again, she's in no position to demand he put her first here, given she not only had an affair but felt it was a good idea to hide it till they got married and then for some longer till she thought she had him well and truly hooked and enough of a cushion to soften this blow.

Sure this might kill their relationship but that would be once again on her. Because it would show that she couldn't even forgive a far lesser transgression than the one she committed. Because she has already compromised their relationship and various dynamics to such an extent.

What you are proposing is infidelity and blatantly being unfaithful in front of your FWW and rubbing her nose in it. If she was to give you approval it would be under duress. She has not cheated at any time during your marriage and here you are proposing to do exactly that.

Sex with zero emotional attachment outside of your marriage is absolutely infidelity, just ask the women members of SI whose WH have had sex with escorts, prostitutes or OW who the WH only used for sex.

Your marriage is treading water in danger of drowning and what you are proposing is akin to asking to be thrown an anchor when you need a life preserver.

double post

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 2:30 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

What you are proposing is infidelity and blatantly being unfaithful in front of your FWW and rubbing her nose in it. If she was to give you approval it would be under duress. She has not cheated at any time during your marriage and here you are proposing to do exactly that.

Sex with zero emotional attachment outside of your marriage is absolutely infidelity, just ask the women members of SI whose WH have had sex with escorts, prostitutes or OW who the WH only used for sex.

Your marriage is treading water in danger of drowning and what you are proposing is akin to asking to be thrown an anchor when you need a life preserver.

Actually, if he has permission it wouldn't be infidelity. So that goes right out of the window. And no his WW hasn't cheated during their marriage, at least she hasn't admitted to doing so if she has. But she has cheated prior to it and then set out to deceive him for years. This is NOT a point in her favour and a weird distinction to make.

The rest is just one big appeal to emotion. Casting him as bad for the insecurity, problems, and feelings his wife caused. While pretending she was faithful "when it mattered". This is exactly the attitude he talked about in his previous post, people approaching this with two different standards.

I'd be curious what exactly a life preserver would be in your opinion. You say he needs one, so you might know, no? Also, this wouldn't be an anchor for him. It's more akin to being thrown into the sea and then dragging the person who did so in alongside you.

I don't recall seeing where his FWW has proposed CBM123 go to an escort. If he proposes it and she agrees it will be under duress and not really voluntary.

If he really wants to do this then how about suggesting that she have sex with a professional on the same date he does? Or how about just having an open marriage where they both screw other people as long as they tell each other ahead of time? Do you think that might help their M?

I don't recall seeing where his FWW has proposed CBM123 go to an escort.

Nobody here said that?

If he proposes it and she agrees it will be under duress and not really voluntary.

Let's ignore how you word it in a way that makes him out to be the bad guy and his WW to be the poor victim held hostage by him. She can obviously say no, he isn't holding a gun to her head and demanding she give him the go ahead. Claiming "duress" here is just that much noise.

If he really wants to do this then how about suggesting that she have sex with a professional on the same date he does?

Why? It's not like she didn't already have an affair and went on to hide it and deceive OP for years. Even luring him into marriage after the fact.

Or how about just having an open marriage where they both screw other people as long as they tell each other ahead of time? Do you think that might help their M?

Because OP doesn't want an open marriage, the same as he didn't want to be cheated on and deceived about it. Good job trying to derail the discussion though!

I see you've chosen to ignore that she had an affair and deceived him about it for years. I guess having an affair pre-marriage is completely a-okay? Also, you specifically didn't answer WHAT exactly constitutes a life preserver here. You said he needed it, which means you must know what constitutes one. So why wouldn't you share with OP and help him?

I can understand you seek for sexual experience elsewere. It is asking for problems i agree. But if the sexual inbalance cause much resentment to you're wife this resentment can cause a failure of the reconciliation. In that case a paid sex worker without any emotional binding can be a solution. A bad solution, but better then no solution. The problem is that the damage is already done. And feelings are hurt and in the future more feelings will be hurt. Imagine how you would feel if you come home from the sex worker and you look the wife in the eyes. You would be hurt and also the wife would be hurt.

I see both sides on this, and both sides exist in my head when I think about actually doing it. It goes something like this:

Angel on my shoulder - "You have loved your wife for as long as you've been an adult. She's been more than you could hope for in so many ways. She fucked up in a huge way, at a young age, and lied about it for a long time, but she has shown real remorse and has been a faithful wife since marriage. She is doing everything she can to improve herself and show she loves you and make it right. She doesn't deserve to deal with the pain of you sleeping with someone else. In fact, you may ruin your marriage over it, and this marriage really is as good as it gets, despite what happened so many years ago. You have a family with her and you always wanted to grow old with a happy family, enjoying holidays, making memories, living fully. Go find her right now, hug her, and think about how awful it would be to lose her. Don't fuck it up."

Devil on my shoulder (sorry Flawed if you're reading) - "Fuck that. She cheated on you and hid it from you for years. What she deserves is to be divorced. In fact, she doesn't deserve to have ever married you in the first place or have your children. She should have been kicked out of your apartment and given a one-way ticket back home, with her family wondering how she could possibly have been so awful to you. Only 6 months after moving across the country to be with her "soulmate" and she's cheating on you. She should have been on that plane back home, alone, embarrassed, ashamed, wondering "what could have been" if she didn't throw away our future for a few rides on someone else's dick.

You have been amazing to her since day one. You actually get off on making her feel as good as possible. You've never shown her anything but unconditional love. Even when propositioned for sex by a younger woman, you turned it down. You gave up any chances to experience other woman because you wanted her to do the same for you. And she didn't.

There is no justice in this outside of divorce. The closest you can get is to recoup some of what you gave up. She owes you that much. She had sex multiple times with her AP, carelessly, without protection, in ways that humiliate you, and without so much as thought about you. In fact, she had more sex with her AP than you've EVER HAD with anyone else. How fucked up is that?

What you're asking for is so much less than what she did. A one-time thing, with her knowledge and permission, without deceit, without emotions, just sex. How selfish can she possibly be, to take so much, and refuse to give so little in comparison? If this is the deal-breaker, then maybe it's worth breaking the deal over. Pack it up and find someone else, someone who can love you and be loyal and not have this kind of baggage. You deserve that."

I honestly feel like there are valid points to both sides, which is why I feel stuck. I would rather be the person who thinks like the "Angel", but I find myself keep going back to the "Devil" thoughts.

Anyway, this is just a thought experiment for now. In reality, I am not sure I could do it even if I decided I really wanted to. And if I did do it, I am sure it would not give me nearly the satisfaction that I imagine it would. I know all that. I still think about it a lot. I can't help it.

I've told my wife, her affair confession has made her a better person me a worse person. That may be the most unfair truth of it all. I want to be who I was before, and I'm just not. Knowledge of her affair has shattered a lot of my good qualities - my trust, my compassion, my desire to be "good", are all significantly diminished. It sucks to feel that way.

If he really wants to do this then how about suggesting that she have sex with a professional on the same date he does? Or how about just having an open marriage where they both screw other people as long as they tell each other ahead of time?

I think you need to read the thread title again to refresh your memory on why he's here.

I've told my wife, her affair confession has made her a better person me a worse person. That may be the most unfair truth of it all. I want to be who I was before, and I'm just not. Knowledge of her affair has shattered a lot of my good qualities - my trust, my compassion, my desire to be "good", are all significantly diminished. It sucks to feel that way.

Time is the main healer of this. You are still quite recent post-disclosure, still in the "emotional roller coaster" phase. Time, plus consistent effort from your WW to help you heal.

In fact, she had more sex with her AP than you've EVER HAD with anyone else.

Except her. That is, she didn't have more sex with her AP than you've had with your WW. I mention that because marriage can be a marathon. The amount of sex in a long marriage can eclipse by many times the total amount of sex before marriage, if the marriage is long and healthy. When you're old, if you two continue having a good sex life, that will matter way more to you.

Even before you decided to commit, you knew she had a lot more prior life sex than you did. The A didn't change that.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:56 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

Sad story, CBM. When we say, "for better or worse" it is usually with a lack of awareness that most injuries to the marriage are self-inflicted.

I get it completely. There are two things wrong about an affair, the sex and the lying. The sex stopped, the lying didn't. Therefore the affair really just stopped.

Speaking of two's, I bet there are two people in your marriage who hate who your wife was.

Knowledge of her affair has shattered a lot of my good qualities - my trust, my compassion, my desire to be "good", are all significantly diminished. It sucks to feel that way.

Sorry CBM123. I get that this hurts you. I just hope you spend the time in IC to see that you are seeing her A as a reflection on you. I 100% understand that. It is not and you don't own any responsibility for that. She does. Please bring this up in IC.

You've spent your whole life living in line with your values and it did not bring you the rewards you expected. That is faulty thinking. You life your values because that is who you want to be. You get to define who you are and how you live your life. No, your W doesn't "deserve," the life she has right now as it was obtained through deception and deceit. This is not about her though. Is it ?

You feel that you are being taken advantage of and that doesn't feel very good. What things could you ask for that are less destructive that would make you feel better ? That is what you need to explore. If at the root of this is insecurity (could be other things too) what would help you address that ? How can she support that ?

You've sacrificed a lot already. Maybe it is time your W made some sacrifices too ? At least it helps with some of the unfairness you feel until you get a little further along in your healing ? Perspectives change in R. You can count on that.

If the exchange you describe is indicative of your exchanges . . .She doesn't fight fair. She needs to stop that immediately. Don't engage with her when there are different rules for each of you. There can only be one set of "rules." Restore than balance as I can imagine that fuels the already existing feelings of unfairness.

For example, any sentence followed by "but" negates anything said before it. Any explanation or apology with a "but" in it is akin to a non-explanation or non-apology. I told my W that using a, "but" in our discussion would require me to disregard whatever was said. You get the idea.

FWIW I think she has more work to do before she has full remorse. Notice, even when you layed out the devil version of the thought process you apologized in advance. These are your thoughts and feelings. You are muting their impact by pre-emptively apologizing. She needs to hear the raw version. Ugly? Yes. Honest ? Also yes. Honesty even when it is ugly or hurts. Are you worried about driving her away ?

Just my .02.

If you honestly think having an affair of your own will get you out of the funk you're currently in, I would say do it. But, I wouldn't tell her because it wouldn't really be about her would it? She cleaned out her conscience by dumping this on you, gambling that the marriage would survive the confession. She probably doesn't really give a damn about the short term suffering you're going through because she's playing a bigger picture game here. Don't let the stress of this affect your health, possibly taking a few years off your life because you let this do more damage to you than necessary. If not an affair, then divorce. Just do something because it's not worth going through this for 4-5 years before it finally starts to wear off. Sorry you're going through this. I've lived it too.

I thought our love, our marriage, our sex, everything, was special. I wanted to be the guy in the bar bragging to his buddy about how good our sex is, how great our marriage is, how much we get each other, how I feel like I married my best friend even all these years later.

CantBeMe123

In a way this is worse for you because your marriage was so good. It makes you feel even more trapped. A guy under the same circumstances with an average marriage could weigh his options and seriously consider R or D. It might be a close call for him.

For you on the other hand R is the obvious choice so you don’t get to realistically go through the process like the other guy. Why? Because the answer is there before you even start. Circumstances push you in that direction and you resent it.

There is no justice in this outside of divorce.

CantBeMe123

I agree with the above but you don’t want to cut off your nose to spite your face. Therefore I would divorce her and shack up. You lived with her without the benefit of marriage for years so why would it be impossible now? There is no stigma for unmarried people living together today even with kids.

She was a great girlfriend so you promoted her to wife. Now you have ample proof that she flunked the wife test. So demote her back to girlfriend. The way it is now her lies worked out perfectly for her. If she’s no longer your wife then she will have paid a price.

Think of it like a sergeant in the army that screwed up. You demote them to corporal and it’s over. You don’t have to keep reminding them of their screw up. Anyone can look at their sleeve and they have one less stripe (you can tell people you’re divorced or not).

If you don’t get a divorce the only way she will pay a price is for you to remain bitter. That’s not good for anyone especially your kids. It would be much easier for me to forgive her if I were divorced. Plus being divorced puts her on REAL probation (not just an empty threat). If she screws up again you can just walk and she knows it.

The only reasons not to get divorced are practical such as health insurance. Since you both work you might even save on taxes.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:24 PM, January 28th (Monday)]