SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In my opinion, you're making a mistake. You very early on said you wanted your life back, that your life was good and you thought you had something there. The female psyche just gave you an out you were desperately looking for, by allowing your wife to blame all kind of mental issues.

Here's the thing. None of that changes what she has done. It's an easy generic excuse that allows you and her to blame her mental health problems as well as the OM for everything bad that happens. Secondly, a lot of people have mental health issues, from depression all the way to things that get you institutionalized.

Unless she needs to be in an asylum, as long as she's capable and allowed to make decisions of her own and treated as an adult. She is completely responsible for them and capable of making them. This is a convenient cop-out.

You by now have even convinced yourself that the child might be yours after all. A lot of this seems like hysterical bonding from your side, caused by the slightest excuse to do so. You're unlikely to do yourself any favours here.

Director I'm going to be blunt. You are getting played sir.

Yes she may have some form of mental illness like PPD or depression. But here is the thing: there are lots of women with PPD and depression who DON'T cheat on their husbands. There is nothing in your accounts to suggest to me that your wife was so incapacitated by her illness to the point where she was unable to know right from wrong.

I think she succumbed to lust and sin, and she's now spinning it to make everyone feel sorry for the poor woman who had PPD. Don't let her manipulate you like this.

I agree 110% with the two replies immediately preceding this. Sir, you're allowing yourself to be manipulated and played by these circumstances and by everyone around you. You're a grown man, you have the absolute right to do this. But the nature of this forum is that you're going to be told the truth. The hard, vicious truth.

Director, are you being love bombed right now? Maybe HB is kicking in and you're in the PC? Do whatever you want. Raise the baby as your own if you want. That wouldn't be my choice, but every kid needs a good Dad, and you seem like you're a good one.

The one thing you CANNOT do is rugsweep this!! Do not forget the fact that SHE CHOSE TO DO THIS TO YOU! It was her decision to FUCK YOU OVER by cheating on you!!! You absolutely cannot let her get away with it, or it WILL happen again, I promise you. She's absolutely playing the "mental illness" card right now for all it's worth. And it's working. She's got you, her parents and her shrink all wrapped around her finger right now. PLEASE protect yourself. PLEASE consult the attorney... that doesn't mean that you have to get a divorce. It simply gives you knowledge and information that you will desperately need.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 7:34 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

She explained that when she was having the A, she never felt good about it and explained that it was a high in the moment, but she immediately regretted it and remembers questioning herself why she was doing this because she said she didnt want to. In further discussions I have asked her if she feels like she may have been manipulated in a time when she was unhappy, and she stated she had never even thought of that until the psych mentioned something along those lines.

Funny, in your first post you state it was an ongoing full blown affair lasting months. She apparently didn't hate it too bad if she kept going back for more.

Seems to me like you are making excuses for your "wife's" repugnant behavior and falling for every one of her lies and manipulative tactics. I would never in a million years reconcile with someone who screwed another man and bore his child, all the while wearing my wedding ring. I simply cannot fathom how a man can do that and still have self respect, but you are an adult and it is your life to live. If you go that route I wish you luck. You will need all that you can possibly get.

Director:

Hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself and get IC if you need it. It will take time to process the emotional trauma and the shock of what has happened. Try and get away from the shitstorm and pursue normal activities and exercise as much as possible. You seem like a level headed guy and you will make up your own mind on what you will ultimately decide to do, D or R. If you decide to D so be it. The same for R. You will receive good support either way. Despite what you may hear, there are others who have suffered worse betrayals and have been able to R when their WS has conceived an OC, and maintained their manhood and self respect just fine. To each his own. Good luck.

Brother,

There is going to be a strong feeling in you, that you love her and miss her and want to be with her.

It's normal to feel that, as you are a good man. Good men want to solve problems and make the world right.

The problem there, is that the "her" you knew is not really her...is it? The person you thought you were married to was honest, loyal, and wouldn't be giving herself to another man.

The first hard step is accepting that the person you knew...didn't exist. Once you can accept this, everything else will make sense. That life was a lie, an illusion, a fraud. That fraud stole years of your life and your hard earned world.

You are Christian, as am I. Religious leaders give the WORST marriage advice on earth. Hard to say that...because I admire them...but a Priest will tell you to love her as God loves and to raise the baby without any DNA test as God has a plan and that plan is the plan for you.

That's going to be their advice...and when it blows up and burns your life to the ground, who will be there to suffer for it? You will...not him.

God gave you a book to live your life by. He addressed infidelity and said that divorce was the answer to it. It was the only justification to end marriage. That's direct from God. No priest required.

I know you love the person that you thought was your wife. She is now trying to secure her future $$$ needs as she sees her world imploding and plan A failed. She wants plan B. SHe will be whomever you need her to be...for now. The mental illness is total crap. WWs always try to come up with reasons for "it wasn't me, it was the illness...and a pill with fix it...so I take the pill and we stay married...all good".

It's crap and you know it. You still want to believe it...but it's crap.

She is who you saw in the A. That's the one real thing that you can believe in. That's the real person and who they are.

Good luck. Fight through and seize the life you deserve.

Hi

I just want to say I have only read the posts by the BH here and none of the responses thus far so apologies if I duplicate what anyone else has said.

I too talked to a friend who was a priest. He was the only person really I could be 100% open with. I adored him and I valued his opinion but unfortunately when he started talking about forgiveness I couldn't go with his advice. My ex WH was not sorry... and you can't forgive someone who is not sorry. My priest friend did not hold it against me and was happy when after a year I met someone else who has since become very important in our lives. (RIP Fr.)

Just so you know my ex WH also had MH issues. When I was in the early stages like you I initially was not sure if I was going to D or R but his behaviour did not really show any sense that he wanted to stay in the marriage and then he made it very obvious that he would still be looking elsewhere. Anyway that is irrelevant to you, I know but I just want to say one thing...

This baby that your wife is carrying... even if you feel you can forgive her for cheating and long term, not even briefly, consider how you would feel looking into the eyes of that baby every day knowing he or she is not yours (if that is the case). Would that not destroy you? And also make it really really difficult for that baby to have a healthy and happy upbringing?

Moreover it would be a constant reminder of your wife's infidelity.

Just a few thoughts. You are doing the right thing taking your time thinking things through and talking to lots of people. At some point you will know what to do. For me it was a therapist who suggested D and that was the first time I thought of it as an option.

Take your time, try and make sure your son doesn't see any negativity if you can. I always made certain my 3 children didn't hear any arguments and as far as they are concerned their dad and I are "friends" which means they haven't had to take sides or suffer from hearing arguments etc.

Thinking of you and remember time is a healer but it will also bring clarity to your decisions.

Take care.

Red

Director, I'm concerned that you misunderstood what your lawyer told you vis-a-vis the unborn child, or perhaps you asked the wrong question. There are two considerations: (1) parental rights (visitation/custody), and (2) parental obligations (pay money to support the child).

You are correct that a parent can release (1) if he wants.

A father cannot choose to release (2). Regardless whether the child is biologically yours, in most states, once that child is deemed to be legally your child, the cost of supporting that child is yours for life. This means, among other things, that if she receives any form of governmental assistance for the child, the government comes after you for reimbursement.

In most states, a child born to a married woman is deemed to be the child of the husband unless the husband takes steps to prove otherwise. In most states, the opportunity for this is a narrow window at or before the child is born. If you don't take those steps, as your lawyer told you, the child is deemed to be yours. Even if you were to relinquish your parental rights (number (1) above), you would forever be yoked with the parental responsibilities (number (2) above).

FWIW I agree with the half dozen or so posters above on the point that your recent posts suggest you may be torturing reality and logic in an attempt to execute some mental chicanery that might enable you to believe that the A wasn't real and you can live happily ever after as if it never occurred. That line of crap she's giving you about post-partum depression, "I didn't really enjoy it", that's a line of bullshit.

All BS's go through a period where they wish the A never happened and they could go back to the "before time" and live happily ever after. You can't. Many BS's also have an urge to rug sweep. I promise that if you do it, you'll regret it in the long run.

I was struck by this:

Thinking back Yea I want to say there were definitely things that weren't the same before vs after birth,

You think? The birth of a child rocks your world. Nothing is ever the same after. Millions of parents navigate these giant life changes without making conscious choices to fuck co-workers unprotected, contract a veneral disease, and lie to our spouses about it. That's not a result of life changes due to birth.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:44 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

Give yourself at least 90 days to reach a final decision as to whether to D or R ... during this 90 day period your actions (legal and personal) whether you D or R are pretty much the same. In your case, it's also important to resolve the paternity issue asap.

It's typical for the BS to slip in and out of denial. I've read that denial is a normal reaction to protect yourself from pain.

Consequently you may find much of the advice harsh, ugly and uncomfortable. However, in view of the BS tendency to deny and rug sweep the advice is well intended and useful.

A father cannot choose to release (2). Regardless whether the child is biologically yours, in most states, once that child is deemed to be legally your child, the cost of supporting that child is yours for life. This means, among other things, that if she receives any form of governmental assistance for the child, the government comes after you for reimbursement.

Interestingly, his wives "change" in attitude came the moment her family fired the other guy. Which means he might not be able to support the child, or even keep his house. If she sticks around for a few more months, Director might very well be on the hook financially. At which point she could still jump ship and have him as financial support.

Funny, in your first post you state it was an ongoing full blown affair lasting months. She apparently didn't hate it too bad if she kept going back for more.

From what I've understood, it went on for almost half their marriage. At the very least 6+ months. She was comfortable catching an STD from the guy as well as getting pregnant by him and help him decorate his or better their new home.

Give yourself at least 90 days to reach a final decision as to whether to D or R ... during this 90 day period your actions (legal and personal) whether you D or R are pretty much the same. In your case, it's also important to resolve the paternity issue asap.

The problem here is, he doesn't have 90 days. There's a baby on the way, a baby that's not his. A baby he very well might end up financially responsible for.

The average cost of raising a child in the U.S. is $233,610 (quick google search)

Director,

If you decide to release your rights, make sure you release your RESPONSIBILITIES as well. The two are not the same. Depending on the exact jurisdiction, you can be relieved of your rights, but you can still be held financially responsible for the child. If not, the state has to pick up the tab.

I've learned through my own struggles that the family court is designed to rob your family blind. Home equity, retirement plans, investments, kids college fund, etc. It's all on the table for the grabbing.

Neither you, your wife or children have any friends there. Not you attorney, hers or the judge. That's why, I feel, they say there is a 'Friend of the Court'. This party, whether an individual or an advising organization, is in the robbery. Be careful. I got lucky because my wife through herself at my mercy in court, else wise they would have put me through a wood chipper. So make sure your attorney is giving you the straight dope, because the court WILL go into your pocket if they can.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 3:27 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday)]

I think it would be helpful if Director let us know that he’s aware of what could be a time critical looming issue (paternity and legalities concerning ensuring that whatever he decides, he’s considered and asked the right questions, knows his time limitations, etc.). The rest of us (me included) are naturally concerned this hasn’t been addressed. My apologies if he has addressed it and I missed it. It’s difficult to move past what we see as a life changing piece of this if we don’t know he’s already made a decision. He doesn’t have the luxury of unlimited time on this issue and as none of us are attorneys/know what state we are dealing with, we are concerned. We don’t know if he has 30 days or 300 days. What we do know is that virtually EVERY state has a statute that says the husband/spouse is the presumptive parent. We also know virtually every state has a process to contest that (under varying conditions, using varying timeframes, and processes).

As people who want to help, it’s really hard to let this go without some dialogue about it.

I hope you’re doing well Director.

Again thanks for all the input folks.

As discussed earlier, I met with piest today. This is the priest that marries my wife and I, and was married himself before. His wife past away and he chose to become a priest. He is also very close with my wife's parents. When I met with him today, he already knew the background of the situation as her parents met with him for their own counsel. He asked how I was and I was honest. We had a discussion about mortal sins, and he reiterated the fact that this time in our marriage should have been the honeymoon phase, and that he believes our marriage has been unhealthy for some time. He actually had a folder with a lot of annulment info in it, and he explained that he would personally be my advocate. It was a good meeting.

I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to have all the questions mentioned here answered.

I am doing better, and again appreciate any and all feedback.

He actually had a folder with a lot of annulment info in it, and he explained that he would personally be my advocate.

Man, when a priest has your back like that, it tells you something.

Sorry to see that your on this site.

Your situation is sad to read, I can't even begin to understand the pain you must be enduring.

Feelings of anger are completely understandable, especially since you have a child together. What she did was such a disgusting betrayal to you and the life you built together. Her actions were selfish and now with her pregnancy, she has added so much more pain to the mix.

For her to say she wouldn't have told you had the results came out differently is a huge red flag. Not only for her to feel that way but to even utter the words out loud. If she wanted to work things out or show any semblance of being a decent human being, she wouldn't think that way. Sounds like there is no remorse and that there is more to her affair.

Just wondering, does the OP still work at your in-laws company? Feels like a double dose of betrayal because how could they not have suspected anything? I get that it's their daughter, but right is right. It's pretty simple.

Wish you all the best on the long road ahead.

He was fired.

Thanks for the update, Director. Meeting with trusted advisors and legal council is absolutely what you need to be doing now. It’s an awful situation to be sure, but you can take the small solace that at least you’re handling it well!

A priest that shares information between those that seek guidance…

A therapist that shares patient info…

I worry about your environment director…

Butforthegrace manages to word the concerns many of us have had regarding the unborn child.

Keep in mind that we are talking about two separate roles here: father and FATHER.

One has a legal role, the other a moral role.

The legal role you can take on or be assigned, but it’s near-impossible to get rid of. Even if it’s proven that biologically the child isn’t yours. It’s not selective – it’s assigned to you like it probably will be since you two are married – and you have a VERY NARROW window to have that corrected. A major factor regarding that window is when you have reason to doubt the paternity. That reason has already started, so when the child is born you need to have decided if you are going to contest paternity. A year or two from birth will be too late. That father-role is the administrative one, the pay for things one, the child-support one. It’s not the fun, let’s go camping or teach to ride a bike one.

The moral one can be taken on irrespective of the legal one. Heck… tough as it sounds then IF you divorce and IF your WW meets and marries another man you would WISH he behaved towards your son and the unborn child as a FATHER. Won’t diminish or minimize your role. Nobody can have too many good moral fathers IMHO.

IF you decide to try to reconcile you have to be willing to fully accept the role as FATHER to the unborn child. Anything less would be cruelty to the child for no fault of its own. That role would IMHO include accepting the pain of having true paternity biological paternity known. Are you willing to do that? As someone asked: Can you envision looking that child in the eyes and ONLY feel the love, care and responsibility a father should have to a child?

I would add to what Bigger said with this. If you succeed in establishing that you are not the father, you then cannot be REQUIRED to pay money to support that child. Instead, the child's actual biological father would be required to do this.

The requirement becomes an issue for many fathers if the mother receives any state or federal aid. In those cases, the government "buys" the mother's claim for child support and goes after the responsible father. The mother cannot waive this claim.

However, you could of course CHOOOSE to contribute to the support of the child, even if he/she is not your child. Taking this step puts the choice back into your hands.