SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

About you being emotionally attached to her.

Now don't get upset when I say this, but with an open heart I hope you hear what I'm saying.

Part of your problem is that you are too emotionally attached to this woman. You will not make it through this with your sanity in tact if you don't learn to emotionally detach yourself from her.

I know how you feel. I know that this won't be easy for you. But I also know that if you don't emotionally detach yourself from this woman, then you will likely find yourself in really bad shape, my friend.

We all know that she wasn't a bad person before, but buddy, without a doubt, she definitely is now. She used to be good. She isn't anymore. The reality she may have never been. You really need to understand just how far she has fallen.

And the whole mind game thing about you coming down there spoiling her surprise to you? Classic manipulation. If you study everything she has said since the beginning it has been lies that have been delicately crafted to frame YOU as being responsible. Even this last episode. Without help, there is no way for an individual to confront someone like this alone. They will always find a way to trap you as the guilty culprit, when it is in fact them that are guilty. Notice how every incident is about HER. Notice how every incident is accusatory in nature. Remember that "if you don't fill my heart" nonsense? She's setting you up, and in the same sense, accusing you of not doing it before.

I'm firmly convinced, as the others are, you need to separate--IMMEDIATELY. That will likely be the ONLY way you will save your marriage.

Notice how everything she has done she has justified in her mind. She will continue to do so until an external force pushes her out of that way of thinking. That may never happen. You must accept that the external force you applied has obviously not worked. So you must leave the situation or you will be dragged into that state of mind with her. Do you really want to have to justify everything she has done to save face, keep the marriage intact (?), and have someone to sleep with from time to time? How much is your sanity worth?

Hoping you find the strength to walk away long enough to heal.

From all that I have read, you are a strong person. I hope you don't let this crush you. I almost allowed it to happen to me. I'm thankful I found the strength. I thinking you will too.

Good luck.

*Edited to remove unnecessary tangents.*

[This message edited by la433 at 3:00 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

And the whole mental mind game of telling a guy that the other guy's dick is too small?

Too small? For what? If she doesn't let his dick in her twat, what difference does it make how big it is?

Just wanted to add one more thing.

Remember when she left, you said how much better you started to feel?

What happened? Hmm.

Think about that.

I know I'm getting carried away, but one more time:

12 May 2013 11:45PM

You said:

"She also added somewhere in this conversation, I still have feelings for him. I'm not in love with him but I do have feelings for him"

13 May 2013 8:57PM

You said

She said she doesnt have feelings for him. "That's not what you said last night?" Well I liked how he made me feel but I don't really have feelings for him.

So which is it? At the very beginning, it was a ONS and nothing else. Then she has feelings for him, then she doesn't.

One thing a person who has gone down this road is that they cannot seem tell the truth. She may have feelings for him. She may not. But one thing you know for sure, is that she is lying and is blaming you because you didn't "fill her heart". She is lying because she flip-flopped her story and well basically because she hasn't told you the truth from day one.

It doesn't matter if you call her out on these things or not, because the words of others don't mean much to a person involved in this amount of deceit, and even less if they are apt to accuse in retaliation. In essence, it doesn't matter to her at this point that she is lying to you. She's gone far beyond lying. She is willing to lie, and willing to accuse you.

And if you don't think she is accusing you, remember this?

"We'll, this is how I felt about his porn addiction."

She just did a double whammy there. She accused you of the same thing and is justifying her actions at the same time.

I'm just saying look at this from the view point of a liar and an accuser. There is no way you can confront her alone without her bringing you down. You are the company you keep, sort of.

My thoughts are with you...

Remember, you are stronger than this.

*Edited to remove tangents.*

[This message edited by la433 at 3:05 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

do you think perhaps this guy is getting emotional overload? He hasn't posted for a while. Most of the advice here is best intentioned, but it seems relentlessly negative. does everything have to always end in the worst?

Some people reconcile, some people don't. maybe everything isn't always the worst case. i don't know.

I hope the best for you Calkid.

Reconciliation can't happen unless the WS is remorseful,honest,and willing to do the hard work.

His wife is still in the affair. There's nothing positive about that.

But I do think we should wait until he returns..right now everything has been said...

do you think perhaps this guy is getting emotional overload? He hasn't posted for a while

Yes.

I have an absolutely awful sinking feeling that something dreadfully devistating has happened.

I have an absolutely awful sinking feeling that something dreadfully devistating has happened.

I have the same feeling. I hope you're doing Ok calkid.

I have nothing of substance to add, Calkid. Just wanted to let you know that one more SI member is thinking of you and hoping for the best. Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance.

Cal - Please just let us know you are ok. No need to keep posting should have made the choice not to. WE would love to help you, and know that you are well.

((((and strength)))

Yeah, man, what you're going through sounds horrible.

Another SIer sending good thoughts, Cal...

Everything is ok. My wife and I are reconciling. We are in professional counciling and things are getting better. Thanks for all your support.

Good to hear it. I wish you both the best. You are always welcome to post here, the Reconciliation forum may be a bit more to your liking.

((((and strength)))))

Ok, good luck to you.

A question I have is, the "convention" she went to(sorry I didn't read what kind it was in all the pages here), was this business or for fun/hobby?

If it is the latter, then part of your reconciliation is she should be done with that.

If it is for business, most of them are not mandatory and a waste of time. So if it is for work, then I think she needs to have a talk to her boss and explain that unnecessary conventions will take a toll on her marriage and request that they be few and far between.

What is the counselor saying? If you don't want to share, I understand. Just wanting to know if he/she is going to be holding your W's feet to the fire, or if it is simply some feel good, do nothing talk. I ask because I'm genuinely curious as I've never been to any kind of counseling.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 9:10 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Glad to hear you're working through it.

hey everyone I am new here I am one of the lucky ones that just fund out my wife kissed another man still trying to find out if it still going on I a mess right now cant stop thinking about it. I know we can get threw it I just don't know if she wants to not sure I be able to handle it if she dose not freaking out

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[hey everyone I am new here I am one of the lucky ones that just fund out my wife kissed another man still trying to find out if it still going on I a mess right now cant stop thinking about it. I know we can get threw it I just don't know if she wants to not sure I be able to handle it if she dose not freaking out/quote]

Will be easier if you start your own thread. I had a similar hing happen 2 mo ago

Glad to hear it Calkid, my best to you and the wife.