SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cheating requires (1) desire, (2) poor boundaries, (3) selfishness and (4) the inability to see consequences or think they will manifest.

You had an agreement. She went beyond the agreement. She is a cheater and she owns failures one through four. Not you.

Spend your energy on getting yourself out of infidelity instead of blaming yourself for another's actions.

This is a complicated issue. For 15 years I was a dry drunk. People say, "yeah, but you didn't drink", no I didn't, but I was also acting out on untreated alcoholism. Being deceitful, manipulative, angry, depressed, lying, not doing what I was supposed to be doing, that's what I put her through for 15 years. Anyone that's in the program would know what I'm talking about. Living with a dry drunk with untreated alcoholism isn't that far off from living with an active alcoholic.

And then I go 2 years being depressed and being impotent from the side effects of the antidepressants. Oh, and around the same time, I start disrespecting my wife and marriage by contacting another woman, and we haven't been intimate for 2 years. What kind of pain did that cause her?

And then I bring up hotwifing, my idea, and this is how it plays out.

I'm not angry with her anymore. I just want her to be happy, to stop putting her through alot of this dysfunctional, emotional turmoil. If that means happy with someone else, I have to accept that and make peace with it.

For my OWN peace of mind, I know I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing the last 15 years. None of this would have happened if I was, NONE of it. I need to accept that.

Perhaps she would have left sooner.

Look, you can sit around and blame yourself but where is that getting you?

Are you in counseling? (not just AA) You might find it beneficial to have someone to talk to that can (and will) tell you to stop circling through things that you can't change and work on things you can change.

I'm not trying to say what she is doing is 100% wrong, I'm just coming to peace with the fact that where I/we are at today has alot to do with the wreckage of the past, some of my actions, and what I told her I wanted.

She's still a full grown woman, and has to take responsibility for what she is doing, but yes, I am partly responsible for the situation I am in.

Yes, and the only thing I can change is me, and I'm working on that.

Ok, all that may be true. Thing is, it changes very little about how to proceed. She's checked of the M and isn't interested in checking back in. So what choice do you have? Proceed deliberately and respectfully to the exit. If she wants to make a U turn that's on her to demonstrate.

[This message edited by healingroad at 9:59 PM, March 24th (Thursday)]

JM72, that's called "owning your own shit", and I am glad to see you doing it. Sorry that your marriage is where it is, my friend. You are recognizing what you can control (yourself) and can't (her), and focusing your energies where they can make a difference.

When I first was aware of the hotwifing aspect, walking right to the very edge of some sacrosanct boundaries, beyond which there be dragons, the analogy I thought of was me enjoying watching my dog sniff at my ham sandwich...but you can't eat it! Well, he loves me and will go along, but that's going against a million years of doggy evolution, and if I turn my back, that thing's going to disappear.

Sending strength!!!

JM, it took a lot of balls to come here and open up like that knowing that what you did most of the people here would not look positively on. It shows you have courage.

At the same time, what you are going through is not easy and you have made some tough decisions and you have many more to make.

However, I would suggest that you stop blaming yourself as much as you are and yes, she has to own her shit and she's abusing you and is entirely wrong in what she's doing. Self blame is not healthy right now. You may have created the battleground but she's the one who fired the shot. And when she fired the shot, she used a cannon. I would suggest you stop putting her on a pedestal. Yes, you screwed up and she took advantage of that and put it on steroids and broke. Simple as that.

What is your situation now ?

I would suggest limbo and waiting for her to come back while she plays out her fantasies is not an option. It will destroy you.

That's why divorce is the only option.

What is the status of that ? the other documents ? Are they done ? Is she still at home ? What safeguards do you have with the kids and yourself from these other men ? Is she still out of the bedroom ? Does she try to talk to you or are you still doing the 180 ?

Why does she feel you should not be hurt by this ?

Remember what the flight crew tells you to do when the oxygen masks drop? You put yours on first and only then do you check your companions.

Take care of yourself. Get a manicure (guys do this now FYI) Get a massage. Join a gym. Hit the golf range. Just treat yourself, you deserve it.

Your marriage, I think, is over. Sit down and accept this fact. (The acceptance of this will make dealing with the fallout much easier.)

Sit down with your STBXW and talk about some rules and guidelines. I'm not talking about asset division (lawyers do that) but simple declarations of respect. She texts you and you pick up her calls. Stick to business and the children. Agree to be polite to each other.

Lastly, and the most important, is set guidelines with respect to the children. She must must must agree to keep the Ghetto away from them. I do believe that the people she is associating with pose a risk to them and while she wont agree with that you must emphasize this.

Consider having an background check on her current OM, if he has a record perhaps a custody agreement can stipulate he is to have no contact?

That won't address the next ten hood rats she hooks up with if she's going down that road but it's a start.

Now you are going into self blame to deal with the pain.

[This message edited by kimichi at 2:15 PM, March 25th (Friday)]

It's interesting to me that you (earlier) described your WW's behavior as codependent. I'd suggest yours is. That, plus the self-blame, indicate that you're scrambling to find some way to feel in control of that which you cannot control.

Remember the Serenity Prayer, and surrender all that you can't control.

Well, I woke up to divorce papers she filed while at work yesterday.

She doesn't know I grabbed them from the bedroom while she was out and made photo copies.

Fucking ridiculous. "Irreconcilable differences for 6 months or more" - no. Everything was good when we were in the Caribbean in mid January. She's been having an affair and lying about it, not irreconcilable diferences.

She also listed for custody of the kids, child support, but no alimony (me paying her).

lol....reality is gonna be a bitch for her.

Hang on. You'll get through this.

Reality is going to be a bitch for you, not her, unless you take action. Have you got your attorney lined up? Have you been served yet (if so, you need to have your attorney answer timely or face severe prejudice to your rights)? Have you been keeping a journal showing your and her activities and who is taking care of the kids? Have you documented your side of each incident where she is suggesting you are a bad parent? She is ahead of you in this game of hers. You need to spend less time analyzing and more time doing.

[This message edited by PlanC at 4:21 PM, March 25th (Friday)]

"Irreconcilable differences for 6 months or more"

Definition of what irreconcilable differences means:

Irreconcilable Differences

The existence of significant differences between a married couple that are so great and beyond resolution as to make the marriage unworkable, and for which the law permits a Divorce.

Its considered a No Fault divorce. You or your WW can claim the marriage is beyond repair (remember you were urged to do this first!). Most divorces are a listed as such.

Well, she printed out the forms yesterday. She's gonna be out of the country from tomorrow until Tuesday. The divorce attorney I know from the program goes to the Tuesday night meeting. I'll talk to him then and have him take it from there.

She filed, but I don't think she has an attorney. The form talks about Mediation and a mediator.

I would not recommend trying to do this thru a mediator. You need a good attorney for this.

Well, she printed out the forms yesterday.

She filed, but I don't think she has an attorney.

I'm a little confused. How do you know she filed? Perhaps she just printed the forms out. Do the forms have the court stamp on them or the filing fee paid?

No then, she didn't file, just printed them out. She didn't sign anything, they're all blank.

Well now you know what she is planning to do. I wouldn't wait till Tuesday night, I would see an attorney Monday and file. Get ahead of her.

As for child custody, your 17 and 16 year old are old enough to decide on their own in court which parent they want to live with. Hopefully, with your wife's current lifestyle, they will chose you, as you are now the more stable parent. The 13 year old may be old enough as well.

Bottom line here... yes you made mistakes. We all do. But the course your wife is on is her own decision. She is an adult, and you didn't force her into her current lifestyle. She is there because she likes it. So stop with the self blame. You need to concentrate on getting ahead of her in this divorce and caring for the kids. Keep your head up. You can do this.