SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No doubt being there with your family you might have relfected on the past, when you were proud of your wife and your family. It hurts. Been there.

You asked your family to "buy in" on your marriage when you were getting engaged. I can remember like feeling like a fraud around my family when this came donw on top of me, hiding emotions, trying to act like nothing really happened. But your family knows.

It is OK to feel the way you do. It is just so hard to deal with all at once, especially with kids and a history. And if you needed to go to another room to cry, that is just fine as well. I am sure your family can understand this.

((((Hugs))))

Time.....

Strength.

dude, stop letting her dictate the schedule.

If there's an agreement, enforce it. If she doesn't live up to her end, then file a complaint with the court. She's going to continue this behavior until you stop it

If there's an agreement, enforce it. If she doesn't live up to her end, then file a complaint with the court. She's going to continue this behavior until you stop it

Western, there is no official agreement in place yet. It's simply verbal between the two of us for now. After I file, then I'll have something official. For now, I'm documenting for leverage in reducing her custody as much as possible. I hate the thought of having to use it, but she has consistently pushed for 50% custody on 2 of our 3 minors, and it's simply not realistic. The youngest, I won't fight, because he wants and needs the time with mom. But my 10-year-old with Aspergers rarely goes to visit on the agreed nights. He almost always prefers to stay home. It's not that he doesn't wanna spend time with mom. He just likes to be in familiar surroundings, and that means the home he has grown up in. WW keeps saying he'll warm up and eventually wanna come over all the time. I don't believe it, and really don't think she does either, but she's trying to justify 50% however she can. Oh and get this. Our oldest is 18 so technically no support, but since he comes over to visit and she makes him dinner couple nights/week, she things that should count and offsets when my special needs boys don't come. Sorry sister, that pig ain't gonna fly. I told her he was getting a job soon and I was gonna have him start helping with meals and rent. So if she wanted to do the same, go ahead and tell him. I'm not footing the bill for it.

So I keep documenting and should have around 2 months of data by the time we get to filing. I already told her I was not agreeing to what she wanted the last time we spoke about it but we didn't come to any final decisions. As of now, the total dollar amount she wants for support is pretty low, but she's trying to convince me that we should settle on a number which "might" result in a higher custody dollar amount, but that she still wouldn't ask for more. Ummm, yeah. She must really think I'm an idiot. I guess from all those years of me buying her BS excuses about when she was out. So not happening, and unfortunately, I have a bad feeling that all this "amicable" split and getting along is gonna go out the window when we get to the final talk about custody and money. Hoping for the best but preparing for much worse. Wish me luck.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 7:14 PM, May 25th (Monday)]

Good update, you seem like you're on top of things. I saw that you mentioned in another thread that you have days when you barely get out of bed. Have you considered seeking help to see if you're depressed? I know I tried to overcome my depression for two years alone and it just kept on getting worse. Then I saw a doctor, was prescribed pills and within a month there was incredible improvement.

Best wishes

hurtnalone

You are getting there. And you as well as your boys will be better for it in the near future.

Keep moving forward and putting your stbxw in the past where she belongs.

HM

Not sure what to make of the latest. Was texting WW this morning about the kids. Out of the blue she starts talking about how depressed she is and wondering if it's even worth it to go on. I have no idea if she's serious or just trying to drum up sympathy, but I told her to think of her kids and asked if she would consider seeing a therapist. I even offered to make the calls myself if she would go. That was an hour ago and no reply since. Any suggestions? If she's seriously thinking about offing herself, I want to try and help. I just don't know what to make of anything anymore.

If she's seriously thinking about offing herself, I want to try and help.

Call one of her friends or family and share your concern, let them intervene. That way you aren't being manipulated but do take care of your concern for her.

She is testing the waters, not to go back to you, just to know that you are still on the hook. That's why she didn't write back. You fail the test, she belives you are still going to do anything for her...

Don't ever engage in any conversation like this again. If you get worry call any of his friends, even call OM, that will be something.

Call one of her friends or family and share your concern, let them intervene. That way you aren't being manipulated but do take care of your concern for her.

Thanks House. I did get in touch with her sister, who is going to call her later today. I also heard back from WW, saying she would be fine but thanked me for the offer of getting a therapist. So now I'm thinking it may have been her trying to get some sympathy, or get me to call or something. I don't know, it's so hard to tell from text what someone is thinking. But I'm not getting sucked into whatever it is. Just wanted to make sure she wasn't gonna do something stupid to herself.

She is testing the waters, not to go back to you, just to know that you are still on the hook. That's why she didn't write back. You fail the test, she belives you are still going to do anything for her...

Healed, you may be right. But I didn't say anything other than think of ur kids and offered to get her a therapist. I didn't profess my love, offer to let her live in the house, etc. and I never texted after my last message or called her after. She finally replied to me. So I don't think I failed whatever test she might have been using. But who knows. Hard to tell what goes through the head of a WS deep in the fog.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 10:56 AM, May 26th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for the updates. Imho, you did your part by warning her sister, now it's their responsibility to watch out for her.

If she starts sending such messages again, tell her that if she'll send her such vaguely self-threatening messages again that you'll take her seriously and call 911 to have her psychologically evaluated. Then inform the sister about this. This way, she won't be able to emotionally manipulate you any more.

Best wishes

stay vigilant, keep documenting and when do you plan to file ?

with the way she's acting, this won't be amicable but I am sure you'll be ready for anything

 Out of the blue she starts talking about how depressed she is and wondering if it's even worth it to go on.

Save that text. Forward it to your email account. Give a copy to your lawyer. It may come in handy later.

HA,

The others have given you all the clinical reasons why she is doing this. To me it is simple

(1) she fucks OM1

(2) you catch her and instead of trying to reconcile, she fuck OM2 and leaves you physically and emotionally again.

Stop giving a shit why she did what and concentrate on getting her out of your life. The more interaction you have with her the harder that will be.

When you interact with her, it encourages her for WHATEVER reason to do it more.

Do you really want her back???? of course that is your call, but her discussions at this point should be with your attorney other than necessary about kids.

Don't listen to her personal problems or thoughts.

Wow, nononsense, pretty harsh post. Almost feel like I need to defend myself. First off, I have limited my interaction with WW to text only and just about kids and finances. I was texting about kids this morning. WW out of the blue brought up the other stuff. I was seriously concerned for about an hour, but didn't pursuit it much other than tell her sister my concern and offer WW some help finding a therapist. This is the first time she's mentioned to me directly thoughts of suicide and yes, I was worried. If it happens again, I'll alert her family, or one of the 2 or 3 friends I actually know so they can talk to her. I have heard from her sisters than even when they talk to her, she sounds depressed so I don't believe it's a total act.

Second, as far as whether I "want" her back, well of course in her current mental state, the answer is a resounding NO. If she were to break up with OM, live on her own for several months, get into therapy and start dealing with her issues? Well, then I would say maybe. Probably stupid of me and I may not feel the same in a few months, but right now that's where I'm at. But I'm not holding out hope that it's even a remote possibility. She shot me down on the therapy pretty quickly today, telling me she's nowhere close to recognizing her issues or wanting to deal with them. So yes, I'm going ahead with D as planned and sticking with the NC. If she gets more aggressive in her tactics then I'll post for advice as always.

Oh, and one last little gripe. My water heater just died today. Had a guy out to check and it's cheaper to replace than repair. F my life. Another $400 or so in the hole. Gonna see if my attorney will start anyway and take payments, otherwise I'm back another couple weeks. Wish me luck.

I apologize for being harsh, but she is about as bad as it gets.

All I meant was I would stop trying to figure out why she is trying to make nice to you and tell you her daily problems and thoughts.

To me that is like sticking the knife in and twisting it knowing you are hurting. i was mad for you not at you.

This is the first time she's mentioned to me directly thoughts of suicide and yes, I was worried. If it happens again, I'll alert her family, or one of the 2 or 3 friends I actually know so they can talk to her.

Wrong answer. I've been around the block on the suicide thing a few times. Next time she has thoughts of suicide, you call 911. No joke or exaggeration. You are not a professional so leave it to the professionals to diagnose her.

If she really needs help, then she will get it. If she's using it as a manipulation tactic as my mother was, then that will be the last time she uses that as a manipulation tool. My mother played the suicide ideation card for a while as a manipulation tool. Even attempted twice. My brother, no manipulation or cry for help. He was gone in an instant.

So if she uses suicide ideation, you call the professionals on her and THEY go from there. You get out of that shit altogether before she learns she can do there with you.

Then the second call you make is to her family and friends to help get her support.

After you call 911 and the professionals are with her you will know pretty quickly your WW's mental state.

Capiche?

There is no room for alternatives here.

yop

Did you have that talk with her over the phone or by text. You know you can use it in court.

She is trying to manipulat you but you may use it as a leverage.

Wrong answer. I've been around the block on the suicide thing a few times. Next time she has thoughts of suicide, you call 911. No joke or exaggeration. You are not a professional so leave it to the professionals to diagnose her.

Guess I didn't realize you could call 911 for something like that. I don't even know where she is half the time. So if she texts me again talking like that, what's the right way to report it? If I give them her cell #, can they track her location? Or do I need to get her to tell me where she's at, then call it in? I guess that would definitely put a stop to trying to use that as a manipulation technique.

Yep. 911 will ask for the details. Just given them the honest details. Exactly what her communication was and they will ask for cell or anything else they need.

Just don't mess around with it at all. I'm saying that based on a lot of experience with it. I have been manipulated, I have second guessed, I have been suicidal myself, and I have scraped pieces of my brother off things that I thought I would never see on another human being.

Take it out of your hands and put with the professionals. As a secondary issue the event will be documented by professionals one way or the other anyway.

yop

eta - at the minimum they will contact her one way or the other to assess the situation even if it's just calling her cell.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:41 PM, May 26th (Tuesday)]