SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wonderpets makes some great points-

Keep up the good work. One piece of advise, you probably won't ever be friends. I had the same ideas you did, but being too friendly kept me in her crazy zone. When I got a new girlfriend she got mean, when I got remarried she went to rehab.

Ah, yes. I forgot about the "crazy" that came out of XW in my own situation. XW and I were already physically separated when I started dating my fiance. XW found out and started getting nasty with the texts to me about kids and finances. She also started dragging her feet in the D process. My attorney pushed and finally got an agreed mediation appointment setup. During mediation while discussing property division first, XW very angrily accused me of telling my boys that my fiance was to replace her as the new mom. I never said such a thing to them BTW, but she blurted that out of the blue and me, my attorney, AND her attorney dropped out jaws with WTF look on our faces. Her attorney then proposed we continue from separate rooms and include a mediator.

Between the finalized MSA up until the D being finalized, she was between being snarky about how I split my time with the boys and my fiance to being over friendly with me when she needed a favor from me like picking the boys up early, watching them for a day during her possession, swapping out weekend possession, etc. (yes, I still document all of those)

Since after the D, she tries to be friendly with my fiance, her son, her parents as well as my parents and my sister and extended family because she's running the "I'm the victim" script, still attempting to rewrite our past M and her involvement in destroying it, while spinning away any notion of her PA and EA's. HA, I think this part is what you need to keep an eye out for in the future.

Yeah, a single dad often had no trouble finding sympathetic women.

Yup, couldn't agree more. One of my worst fears at first was "What woman wants to date a single dad?" and it actually turned into a problem of "How many more do I need to turn down?"

Don't get me wrong, things are friendly for the kids, and there aren't fights anymore. Part of that though comes from keeping a healthy distance.

EXACTLY!

Tluu, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. I encourage you to start a new thread of your own in the "Just found out" section of the forum.

Best wishes

Ok, for you single dads who were drowning in women after D, what is your secret? I'll file it away for future reference. Did you do online dating, bars, or just rely on friends and family to hook you up? I've had a couple of friends offer some blind dates with women around my age but politely refused for now. Granted, I'm not out there with a sign around my neck saying "Recently Divorced, ask me about dating!" but curious how you got the word out.

You're doing a good job.

Having two autistic children might have been too much for your WW to deal with. Hence her desire to break out and find the distraction of new sexual relationships. Not making an excuse for her bad choice, but nothing you can do about it.

re: dating

Work out so that you are in great shape. Stand straight move decisively. Keep your sense of humor.

You can start going to Meetup before you actually start dating.

Practice flirting with women you run into, not to get their telephone numbers, just to show that you can chat.

What Longwalk says ^^^^^

What you want to be and to exude is:

1) Happiness

2) confidence

I can tell you that the happiness precedes the confidence so work on that first, then build confidence with physical exercise and socializing.

Plus, sometimes it helps when you have your kids with you and they see you have no wedding band on. You've heard of the term "MILF", right? Apparently there is a website out there that celebrates DILF.

Anyway, for me I got hit on at grocery stores, at my kid's activities, work, clubs, social events. It was a great socializing exercise, but it never went further than that. Never went home with any of them. The most eager out of all candidate was a 6ft knockout retired model I met at a club that was trying really hard to get me to go home with her. I set her up with one of the single guys in my group instead. I never wanted to go so far in doing something that I would have to explain to my future new wife, and I'm glad I didn't because...

I met my fiance through my sister. They went to college together. My parents even knew her better than me (they approved immediately once we started dating). We actually met a couple of time before in the past but I was married at time. There was a chance meeting in Feb 2013 where I got to talk with my fiance about being a single parent. Next thing you know I'm invited over to her house to have my boys check out her son's bearded dragons lizards. Then soon after we get together for a few playdates for our boys since they got along so well, then not too long after just her and I get together for lunches, movies, dinners, because we've been really enjoying each others company so much and talking about our families, our past (always ask her where she grew up), interests, everything that gets talked about when two people start falling for each other.

Ok, for you single dads who were drowning in women after D, what is your secret? I'll file it away for future reference. Did you do online dating, bars, or just rely on friends and family to hook you up? I've had a couple of friends offer some blind dates with women around my age but politely refused for now. Granted, I'm not out there with a sign around my neck saying "Recently Divorced, ask me about dating!" but curious how you got the word out.

It started exactly the same way w/ the blind dates. The secret is to never say no, just be honest with them that you are just getting out of a rocky marriage, you're not looking to commit but do like getting out and could use a good time.

Women appreciate honesty at this point of their lives. But don't say no to ANY date. (except one that you find out is looking for a hardcore relationship, I'd advise against that)

Seriously. DO NOT SAY NO.

Also reach out to friends and ask them if they know anyone.

WARNING

Yea, single dad with custody? You will have to beat them off with a stick. Unfortunately most of them are looking for baby daddies. you as a single father, are already proven commodity.

Be very, VERY careful. IMO, wait until you are comfortable in your own skin again.

I'm eating lunch with nothing else to do so I apologize for the rapid fire posts.

Join a Crossfit gym. At the right one, you're "forced" to interact with people and some of them skew extremely female. Join one of those. It doesn't matter what you look like and what shape you're in. It's unbelievable that ass that gets thrown at you in those places. It's like a bizarro version of high school, except the girls are all wearing lu lu lemon

Two edges of the sword on crossfit gyms, as my own XW was throwing her ass at dudes in one of those. So filter accordingly. WS love those places also. Once you get to where we are in our healing you start picking up that 6th sense about reading women, or people in general. It's where all your senses are pretty much in a hyper focus state, like hypervigilince but without the fear and anxiety. MI guess you can say like a hunters focus.

[This message edited by Jduff at 1:07 PM, June 5th (Friday)]

Yup, my buddy lost his wife to a xfit trainer. She was 37 and left her husband who makes 300k+ for a dude who makes 14.50/hr 20 hours a week.

Well, she fucked him. He left her.

Ok, for you single dads who were drowning in women after D, what is your secret? I'll file it away for future reference. Did you do online dating, bars, or just rely on friends and family to hook you up? I've had a couple of friends offer some blind dates with women around my age but politely refused for now. Granted, I'm not out there with a sign around my neck saying "Recently Divorced, ask me about dating!" but curious how you got the word out.

I did the online dating thing. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it worked just fine for me. Be authentic, use recent pictures, and show some class, and you'll probably do pretty well. And by "class" I mean don't send out crude messages with pictures of your junk...you'd be amazed how many women I met had that same complaint about online dating. I mean, c'mon guys, use your heads...the big one, I mean. On the other hand, all the "junk-senders" made me look that much better by comparison, so perhaps I should thank them

Over the span of two years, I must have had around two dozen first dates, which turned into about a dozen second dates. And about 4 of those second dates eventually turned into...ummm...something a bit more serious, shall we say. Might not sound like a lot to some people, but it was enough to keep this part-time single dad plenty busy during the times when my kids were with ExWW.

Even those enounters that didn't progress beyond a date or two (due to lack of interest, chemistry or whatever) were genuinely enjoyable experiences. I got to meet some interesting people I wouldn't have met otherwise, relax, blow off some steam, and just generally enjoy a conversation that isn't about Lego's, video games, the importance of eating one's vegetables and Thomas the Freaking Train for a change.

In July of 2012 I met the very last woman I would ever meet through online dating and married her two years later

Great replies on the dating suggestions guys. I like the crossfit gym idea, as I'm already working out at the Y, so seems like an easy transition. I'll probably try the online dating thing at some point too but people seem to have mixed experiences there; either it works out great or terrible. I'm also doing a couple of local meetup groups already, just to get out of the house and make some friends. And with me starting a new job in next few weeks, hopefully that can be an avenue. Right now, I would love a chance just to get out, talk to some women and maybe just be friends. Really don't want anything serious. Is that too much to ask, or are most women in this age range looking for their next husband?

Absolutely not. Women are looking for an honest guy. Be completely honest and upfront

"Just getting over a long term relationship and putting myself back out there. My kids are my heart and soul." bla bla bla. Just copy and paste what you just wrote. It's honest. The women here will tell you that this puts you ahead of 80% of the other assholes out there on dating sites. That's what they're looking for, just like what you're looking for. Don't focus on what it might turn into, you're putting the boat into the water before you're even out of the car.

(and even that you're considering dating and understand your limitations means that you've healed a ton. Congratulations man. You're KICKING ASS!)

Thanks Eric. Don't feel much like I'm kicking ass but appreciate the thought. Haven't had many angry feelings over past few weeks but noticed today I was pissed for several hours. Saw WW when she picked up kids for dinner and she didn't do anything wrong. In fact, she smiled and looked happy. But seeing her smile actually made me mad. In my mind, I'm thinking "what right does she have to be happy"?

So that lasted a few hours, but then was channel surfing tonight and came across the movie Jurrasic Park. Just so happens that it's one of the first movies WW and I ever saw together at the theatre. So it triggered a memory and now I'm in the dumps again. Fucking triggers everywhere.

Just posting a quick update and looking for support. Had a mixed weekend. Spent some time with extended family Sunday and saw some cousins, aunts and uncles so that was fun. Saw WW very briefly Saturday afternoon while she dropped off kids and she mentioned she was going out of town for the night and wouldn't be back til late Sunday. I didn't ask details and she didn't offer so I assume it was something with OM. No idea why but it really bothered me and I sat around most of the weekend obsessing about where she was at and what she was doing. Every time I think I'm getting past stuff, I'll get some random setback. Why in the hell would I be so concerned about how she was spending her time?

Haven't heard from her since then. No texts, calls, nada. I should be glad as I wanted the NC but now sitting around thinking about texting her just to get some kind of communication. I held off and posting here instead. Damn, this shit is hard.

but now sitting around thinking about texting her just to get some kind of communication.

Don't do it!

Post here instead.

What I did when I sat around feeling mopey was simply deny myself the opportunity to sit around feeling mopey…

Go paint a room. Go fix the sink. Go wax your car. The air-vents that always get clogged with goo? Clean them! Mow the lawn. Polish your golf-clubs. Sort out stuff in the garage. Throw out old t-shirts. Sort your socks… WHATEVER! Just don’t remain idle sitting there feeling all sad and sorry for yourself.

Don't beat yourself up for wondering about her activities...You were with this person for a large part of your life. Some of it is habit.

That said: DO NOT DWELL ON HER!!!

Keeping busy like the others have said.