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I think WW said that she's going to explain my absence to the bride as something work-related.

It would be nice if your WW would always start telling the truth.

Yep

Radical honesty is not easy.

But it is necessary for R. (JMHO)

Strength

Yeah I told her today that I'd prefer she tell her sister the truth when explaining my absence. Didn't make it it an ultimatum or anything, though.

Y'all think it might be better for her to wait to tell until AFTER her sister's wedding? The sister is an innocent in all of this and doesn't deserve to have HER special day potentially ruined. Consequences for the WW sure, but for the sister???

Lux, did she share with you the content of her disclosure to her parents? Their reaction? Have they reached out to you?

Yeah I told her today that I'd prefer she tell her sister the truth when explaining my absence. Didn't make it an ultimatum or anything, though

You handled that well. Otherwise you end up parenting an adult.

Lux, did she share with you the content of her disclosure to her parents? Their reaction? Have they reached out to you?

She told her parents about the A months ago. I might have mentioned it earlier in this thread. If I recall, she didn't want to give them the full story-- she instead wanted to be vague and leave the issue of her infidelity "implied" (as is her Minnesotan culture). I objected, though, and insisted that she give her folks the full details.

Since then, I can't speak for WW's mother but I know her dad ain't too happy with me. Months ago, he sent her a text message basically saying that he knows she's a good person, and that *I* must have done something to provoke her for her to act out like this. In that same text conversation, he also expressed how unhappy he was with me for how I've been treating her ever since the A came to light (ie- making her feel depressed and constantly down on herself).

When I saw those texts, I was livid... mostly because of how WW didn't respond in any way defending me or taking real personal responsibility for her actions. I was also pretty angry at my FIL, too, of course. However, now that I know that he had just received devastating heart news and was staring face-to-face with his own mortality, I'm inclined to cut him a bit more slack.

After that conversation, WW said she would take more responsibility when talking to her parents. I don't have any evidence on how that's actually gone, though. She doesn't text them so much anymore (so I can't see the chat logs on her phone), and neither of her folks have reached out to me personally.

She doesn't text them so much anymore (so I can't see the chat logs on her phone)

Why? Did she state that reason herself?

Why? Did she state that reason herself?

Oh. No. Didn't mean to imply that. I think WW speaks with them over phone calls more often because it's just a better way for humans to communicate. Though I'm sure the fact that the text conversation led to a huge blow-up doesn't help.

[This message edited by LuxuryJellO at 12:17 AM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

If it's not gard enough already with life being ripped from under your feet your getting ganged up on

The thing is you won't know what has been said and how it was explained to them you can only assume your ending up the bad guy

I'd be keeping a good distance from them if that's their attitude

Hi LJ

I am a 1000 miles from home,  in a crappy hotel, with crappy, expensive WiFi.  Hope this gets through.

Apologies that my post turned your thread into a debating forum.  Was not my intention. Just wanted to lend support through sharing personal experience.  You are doing just great.  Don't need my support.  Will stay away again.

Bigger, you are one of my most respected elders on SI. My post was just an intensely personal account of my experience.  There was no intention to disparage anyone.  Sorry for not making that even clearer in the post.

While what I shared was, and was intended  to be only my very personal experience, a post by nothirdchance   in the thread "in the eyes of my BS" is enlightening.   He has chosen R but seems to be expressing feelings very similar to mine.

Wishing only the best for you LJ

Sent from my Samsung device

Apologies that my post turned your thread into a debating forum. Was not my intention. Just wanted to lend support through sharing personal experience. You are doing just great. Don't need my support. Will stay away again.

Dude, it's fine. I appreciate the support and totally get what you're talking about. Feel free to comment in my thread anytime. Just... also be aware that I may not really know how to respond.

Since then, I can't speak for WW's mother but I know her dad ain't too happy with me. Months ago, he sent her a text message basically saying that he knows she's a good person, and that *I* must have done something to provoke her for her to act out like this. In that same text conversation, he also expressed how unhappy he was with me for how I've been treating her ever since the A came to light (ie- making her feel depressed and constantly down on herself).

Man, this triggered the sh!t out of me.

When my STBX was practically dating the OM, I went to my in-laws, on a few occasions, to expose her behaviour. My MIL kept towing the "friendship" line, and then finally shuts me down by sending me a text suggesting I see a psychiatrist

If I personally got a text message like that I'd just stay away. He's an adult and he clearly communicated how he felt. That's that.

'HeartGate' is pretty overblown here IMHO. I'm on good terms with my FIL and if he were having surgery it's not like I'd be a focal point of support for him. A call would be all that would be expected or desired. A card here seems fine enough.

Also Lux, are you tracking her while she's out there. If so you should stop. If she's doing anything bad there is literally no way you'll find out. You'll just be driving yourself crazy watching.

Lux,

Thanks for the responses on the disclosure/non disclosure with the parents and sis. Just trying to get a fuller picture. And to see if there are any patterns to her behavior/actions.

You hit it...a lack of "personal responsibility". I recall you had likened her to a "politician" in her ability to weave/spin an account. Two characteristics that *negatively* reinforce making oneself accountable. Image management becomes the go to behavior.

I expect there was a fair measure of that in her disclosure to her parents. Even after you called her out on the vague account of implied infidelity. Minimizing for sure.

Not telling you anything you don't already know.

Continuing to minimize equals continued wayward behavior. I'm sure she is getting coddled by her family. Her lack of ownership to her parents speaks volumes. I am in R, part of the reason I am is my ww immediately told her mom everything and took full accountability to the point that her mom took me to lunch the next day apologizing for her daughters behavior and questioning her own methods of raising her daughter.

Proceed with caution...

Stay above the fray regarding ww's discussions with in-laws.

Even though FIL made ill-informed and disparinging comments, don't respond.

You're doing fine.

Send a tasteful card, and let it be.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 10:27 AM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

Also Lux, are you tracking her while she's out there. If so you should stop. If she's doing anything bad there is literally no way you'll find out. You'll just be driving yourself crazy watching.

Yeah thanks for that advice. I tracked her for, like, the first day. But as soon as she dropped out of touch and took 5 hours to respond to me on Saturday, I immediately gave up caring anymore.

[This message edited by LuxuryJellO at 8:33 PM, September 12th (Tuesday)]

IMHO, I don't think she's doing shit out there, but it's the accountability that matters.

You've taken the right approach: indifference.

Hi LJ

You said that it would be okay for me to pop back once in a while so here I am.

At the appropriate time in my journey, a wise women gave me the advice;

Detach

Detach

Detach

I think that now might be the right time in your journey for you to get that advice. You will know when the right time is to apply it.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:46 AM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

I do not think it is right to glean information from the WW's thread and use it against her here as I see some individuals doing. Too much invested in engineering an outcome.