SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Avoid the temptation to talk with her about anything like you would a bugzapper if you had wings.

Seriously.

If your marriage could be recovered, she has to be the one moving heaven and earth to PROVE she's a different person than the one she's revealed herself to have been all along.

I am considering talking to her. Confronting her on her past and pleading with her to go to IC and saying I will pay for it. Fudge she is screwed up. I just never freakin knew...dammit.

I still care for her. IDK why.

It's called the white knight syndrome. You can't fix her.

About all you'll accomplish is going down with her.

I think BIL thought he was helping by commiserating with you. You ended up pain shopping a bit. Yes, he has intel about her past. Irrelevant now. He has intel about her relationship with the OM. Irrelevant to your future. He has intel about drinking. May be relevant.

Suggest you talk to him again. Tell him that you appreciate the relationship with him and you want it to continue so the ids have a good uncle. Also set a boundary in place. Tell him you are emotionally detaching from her and you would rather not hear about her little day to day troubles in paradise. He can serve you and the kids best by cautioning her: "Hey sis, about all of those empties in the car...you're not driving the kids on the car when you've had a few are you?". He needs to put his uncle hat on.

We say you are doing great because you are. We also know that you are accomplishing all that even though you are on the rollercoaster. Sorry to hear about the bad day. It sucks.

Feel bad for you buddy. But she's making your next wife look even better haha

I am considering talking to her. Confronting her on her past and pleading with her to go to IC and saying I will pay for it. Fudge she is screwed up. I just never freakin knew...dammit.

I still care for her. IDK why

This would go over like a bag of lead. Talking to her about her past!!! Will only fan the flames. Depending on how out of control she is, and how you word it, she will either take it as "fighting words" and start going bonkers blameshifting. "He is trying to take my kids from me, making-up stuff, trying to control me..." and she will meet with the lawyers and make trouble with the divorce. OR she will see the KISA and think you want her back. That you are only saying these things because you miss her... Regardless, she isn't going to get the real point. That she is out of control. YOU are not the person to step in and "SAVE" her. Her brother can, her family can, OM can but YOU were fired from the job. She will not take anything you say at face value and trying will only hurt you in the long run.

What you can do. So glad you live across the street. You can keep an eye on things to make sure things are not out of control while the kids are there. You can survey things when you pick-up, drop-off the kids. You can talk to your kids about the visits without leading questions or putting them in the middle. I'm sure a 9yo will tell you if Mom just sits on the couch and drinks beer the whole time. You can volunteer to do most of the driving when its possible. You can even call the police if you suspect them of driving drunk one night (a DWI will sober them up).

I have to agree with the others about the pain shopping. You need to let BIL know that HE should talk to her if HE sees it as a problem. Your words will fall on deaf ears or cause more problems.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:38 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

RS

There are posters on this site that think I am crazy when I make this claim:

ANY marriage can be saved from ANY situation if two conditions are met. These conditions are absolute truth and total commitment from BOTH partners to reconcile.

I don’t think you have either and I don’t see anything in your posts indicating you are going to get either.

This woman is not your project.

Her present relationship with OM is not your concern other than how impacts your children.

Her coming back to you because her relationship with OM doesn’t work is not a victory. It’s a concession.

If she was to come back it needs to be because she wants to, and she wants to so bad that she has the guts to ask for it.

You offer her a path back… no… I absolutely HATE emotional chicken. But in this case, it can be immensely important who blinks first. Whomever blinks first has the weaker stance and IF there was to be any reconciliation it must be from a base of utter and total submission to the marriage. That goes both ways – but at least as the perceived stronger partner YOU can control what needs to be done to R.

You don’t have that now. Talking about R (and friend – when you talk about paying for IC and fixing her you ARE talking about how to R…) is like talking about how next weekend’s lottery draw will save your finances. Its fantasy at best and won’t get you anywhere.

Regarding your comment on custody and all that. Even if your BIL testified that she had 100 lovers and you got a report from the local ER about 50 guys with broken dicks talking about the same brunette or whatever then it won’t matter unless you can prove her actions make her a bad mother or incapable of being a mother.

Legally when you enter a courtroom to argue custody it’s 50/50. Realistically for men the odds are the mother will get prime custody and probably a higher proportion. But for a person to get 0% there must be a good reason OR the parent willingly accepts less. Good reasons are things like active addiction, homelessness, mental illness… Past promiscuity doesn’t cut it.

IMHO, you will enter a custody battle with a slight disadvantage in that one child is her blood-child but your adopted child. Add to that a reluctance to split children so you won’t get one and she the other.

BUT you have some advantages and you should play on them:

(A) Stable job and income

(B) Job that requires a honorable background

(C) Job that has respect in community

(D) YOU RESIDE IN THE CHILDRENS FAMILY HOME

OK – Do you NOW see why I suggest you stay for a year (or until custody is final)? A judge will look at you and see STABILITY. That is important for children.

Your triggers? Stop behaving like a teenager gazing out your bathroom window wondering whats going on behind closed drapes.

Go for prime custody. I say this because its best for your kids.

why can't you detach ???

Maybe sell the house and move so you don't have to see or think about her every day.

It's about time you do something for yourself.

She leaves you for another man and has the gall to live across the street from you and cheat on you without guilt and in plain view ?

You need to think about why you keep attached to her and caring about her.

I read what I wrote again and read all your comments.

Your right. Nothing I could say or do is going to help her in this state and she has a family that can step up to the plate and confront her on her behavior, that is there job not mine anymore. Hell its Ap's job more than mine. My time to be responsible for her behavior is over (and she should be responsible herself).

I am not going to wait for the crash and then hope that she fixes herself and try to reconcile. She lied about too much for too long and then rubbed it in my face, I would never forgive.

I am detaching pretty well at least I think I am, I do have weak momemts but my everyday is much better No longer sit and just look across the street, seeing her doesnt make my heart beat 100mph. Im sleeping normal without meds and its not the only thing I think about.

Idk...in a way maybe I feel bad she is so screwed up, thats got to be normal.

I dont need to hear anything more about her past. It doesnt matter anymore. Her family can fix her, I got to deal with me, amd move forward with my boys.

Thanks for the dose of reality.

Bigger I agree that ANY M can be saved based on your two conditions. 💯 % true. We came back from the brink of D - his words for 6 months (not mine).

But at the LAST possible second he woke up as I was ready to walk out the door. And it’s been 4 years and things are good.

Rockstar - it is hard to detach from a M in that the end of it occurred like a crazy out of control speeding car. One minute you are M and the next it’s an A and then she moves out. Way to pull of that band aid in one fell swoop.

Experience has taught me this: you cannot help people who don’t want to help themselves

Repeat that over and over. Because it is the truth.

People can complain about things. Some things cannot change like a crazy MIL or obnoxious boss or toxic sibling.

But you can change your reaction to the situation. It may make YOU feel better by trying to help her situation. But if it backfires it could get ugly. Especially for your kids.

Your best option is to just be there for your kids. In any way possible. That is helping your STBXW. It can take the load off of her havingvthe kids around it she chooses to be impaired or unfit to parent. That is how you can help her without being “involved” in the drama.

She has to keep her drama across the street. Away from you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:47 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

Agreed. Ive done all the research I want to do about affairs and know enough to grasp what happened here. I got great support and counseling. Im in a good place considering. I dont want to know anymore about her past. I just want to move on. I got a plan and I will stick to it.

Seeing someone you used to love train wreck herself is hard, but its her choice and choices have consequences. Her life is not my problem other than when she is around the kids. We reap what we sow. Her family can interject if they want, I need to move on really move on and stop thinking about what happens to her. I just think about me and my kids.

Got three masters classes starting this Saturday, that will keep me busy enough.

Going to stop coming on SI so much. It really helped but staying in the moment and keeping reading about affairs isnt helping me move on. I need to just live. Thanks for all the help. Sure I will be back and post updates but my life isnt going to revolve around this affair any longer. I got this. God Bless and thanks for everything its truly made a difference in my life.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 9:27 AM, January 25th (Thursday)]

You get em RSD!

Good luck. Keep moving forward and being the RSD that you are.

Hope to see you in New Beginnings soon.

So quick update.

Everything was really good (considering) for first two weeks after I stopped posting and reading here everyday.

About two weeks ago (kida embarrased about this for some reason) a woman I used to run into at one of the hospitals messaged me about some pics she saw of me with my kids on facebook. I have put more posts up of stuff we do since I dont get to talk to anyone about it at home.

Well after messaging back and forth about where she was (hadnt seen her in 8 months and thought she had been fired since

As the company she worked for had been restructuring. Well found out she just transfered. Before you knew it I had agreed to dinner, she asked and I said yes and then was like holy fuck I think I just made a date. Had three dates all went well, but learned that she was divorced 6 years ago, he WH cheates (plus).

Then she got together with the OBS 6 months later (had all been friends) and dates him for 6 years the last year of which she cheated on him and then at the end they apparently had a open relationship.

That threw up huge red flags. So IDK wtf I am going to do yet. My logical mind says run, but she is really empowering from what she talks about as a mom, she has her kids freaking in tune. Her kids cook (like really awesome looking stuff), clean chores, you name it. She happens to be smoking hot and thinks I am the 2nd coming. Well see what the heck I do.

Final agreement goes to stbew next week hopefully. It will be the I get pretty much everything version. We'll see how that goes.

Valentines day was rough. Also when I heard about the girl I went on dates with cheating history...so prob played a factor. Then I got a call from the marriage counseling class telling me even though I had requested my stbew not be in the class they f'd up and she was in it. I protested and apparently the counswlor who runs it basically told me to suck it up and that I would habe to deal with it someday. I told them she lived accross the street and was told "that must hurt". Ha, really....

I was eventually able to get it changed. Still not planning on coparenting, but parallel parenting and now that I pitched a bitch and they know who I am, not going to say much about it or I will sure it will get back to the stbxw who got moved to the next session.

That and tonight when I dropped the kids off she answered the door 3 minutes later in a towel. Pretty obvious she was fucking...ugh.

Once this thing is final I am blowing this popsicle stand as fast as I fucking can. This is just to fucking unreal. Needed to vent.

Stay on a hard 180. It's your only option to go forward.

Sounds like you're doing well under the circumstances.

parallel parenting

Perfect for your situation. The more invisible you make your STBXW the better.