SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Idk. This would all be so much easier if she hadnt destroyed my credit.

This was a starter house and she had asked in August (around when this started) to move to the country. I said sure but its late in the year to sell so lets get some atuff fixed up and do it in spring. Who knows maybe that was her way from trying to stop the EA/PA from starting or maybe my answer was the match to the gas she was pouring.

I was looking forward to moving to a nicer place. Absent the lawn. :)

Regardless I will wait and re-eval in April.

Was looking to do more boxes today but it is raining.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 11:55 AM, January 22nd (Monday)]

I told her if she wanted to park her truck in the road I would put them in it for her.

OMG, absolutely f'ing perfect response. You're just a little bit of a quick study aren't you?

Freeme said:

Personally, I don't think you are going to have to make a decision about moving in a year. I don't think they are going to last that long. My main focus would be on getting a divorce while they are still happy together because it aint going to last long.

If you are sure on divorce then brother move as fast as possible on it now while she's in luuurve.

I can assure you that negotiations will be much much tougher once the magical fairytale hour is up. Probably 6 months.

Rockstar…

You are done with her, right?

Even if she were to come crawling, begging for another chance. You would decline and be happy with it?

Right?

If that’s the case then stay in the house for now. If you move then do so carefully and ONLY because it’s better for the kids. But for now, focus on stability and security for the kids. They are going thought enough changes already. This can also improve your stance regarding custody. YOU – the LEO – the steady income – are the rock.

Get the D over, separate the finances, remove her chances of impacting your finances.

Then work on your credit and move when it’s reestablished and you are getting good mortgage rates.

Until then – having them across the street… f@ck her! And I mean it figuratively, not literally…

Rock… all these fantasies – shared by so many posters – about her misery… Remember YOUR kids will be in that home 50/50. I get it that with her past behavior and education and all that then chances are they won’ be financially well off. I also get it that this relationship might not last. Who knows… they might not be able to afford the house. But FOR MY KIDS SAKE if I were in your shoes I would hope they have a happy home to be half their time.

Strive for indiference.

Bigger,

Very much respect your opinion. Idk if the make it till next month or the next 7. Cant imagine its forever but thats long enough for me. Kids need mother, they ask about her when she is gone. I wont be trying for more than 50/50. Not that I like it, but its reality most likely if i fight it.

You think i stick it out for a year? Whats that tell my kids. This aint right, it aint normal. In retrospect " boys I love u and always put u first. When I found out my credit was destroyed. I didnt have a lot of options and had...

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 7:34 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

To stay there for a while. I felt better knowing u were close and I could always get to you if I had to. As soon as I could move we did"...continued... Your mom had problems, we did the best we could to work through them. I never withheld her from you as long as I knew she was stable.

Fudge I dont know, is that a start? My best buddies are sitting next to me watching "an american tale". Every decision sucks. Whats the right thing?

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 7:36 PM, January 22nd (Monday)]

Be tactical.

What's the damage?

Your credit has to be repaired. So repair it. Restore it. Actively focus on what you have power and control to do.

Do not worry about decisions you can't make anyway. Moving is one of those decisions, because you aren't in a position to find an optimal living situation until you've repaired your credit.

Emotional management and mastery. Give yourself a grief space, and you delegate all feelings to that time/place and no other, because you have to stay tactical.

Positioning for divorce and child access. Journal. Every. Single. Thing. Without emotion. Date, time. interaction. result. No emotion words or even adjectives. Just nouns and verbs.

Get the idea of focusing on tactical decisions right now? Everything else goes in the some-day bin. But you don't have to manage everything. Just what's in front of you.

Finances.

Kids.

Period.

And take a little minute for yourself. Youre not a stone after all, give yourself some credit for being a great dad in the middle of a disaster. Your strength does them so much good right now and shows them how to handle the hard parts of life.

I still think you all are a bit nuts for suggesting I stay here for a year, but...

My bathroom has a window that views acoss the street. Last night I looked out and there appeared to be two figures behind half drawn blinds moving quickly and raising arms (arguing) but it could have been my imagination seeing what it wanted to see.

An hour later my 9yo wanted his fav blanker. She wallked it over. I could see his outline in the window behind her peeking out the blinds. She looked like shit could look me in the eyes and didnt engage.

Something has changed with her. When I was confused and lost when the affair was going on and I didnt know yet, i would swear she would smile and smirk at times (that now make sense). Now she appears ashamed, well it doesnt change anything but at least she gets to deal with some negative emotion.

I HOPE YOU ALL ARE RIGHT, but prepared to deal with them for the long haul. There relationship does not determine me or what I do.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 5:25 AM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

I still think you all are a bit nuts for suggesting I stay here for a year, but...

Your right. The problem is that you really sound good in your posts. You are focused on the right things, and are not getting torn up packing her things. You've made some great strides in choosing your battles... You just sound good. I also assume you really like the house, neighborhood and location to the school. The thought is that it's healthier to disrupt the children as little as possible...That said it even more important for you to heal and continue to become a healthy, rockstar father. My thought process was that that WW and OM would crash and burn shortly (6-12 months) and both would be out of the neighborhood so you could keep the house without dealing with the betrayal on a daily basis.

Yea in a perfect world you and WW and OM would share custody, back each other up for the kids sake and lead a drama free life. It's not a perfect world and having to witness Mom across the stress living with a neighbor, and then later demise of that relationship has got to be confusing for both kids but mostly for the 9 yo. In the long run it's what's what you think is best for you and the kids. I just didn't want you to base your decision on them living across the street.

I also worry that someday WW might beg to come back...and since you are right across the street... this would be easy, and even more confusing to the kids.

How is the divorce process coming? Has WW set-up a new date to finish her move?

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:08 AM, January 23rd (Tuesday)]

We are about 85 days out before we can have our final hearing. Im waiting till the 70 day mark to throw out the final proposal.

She hasnt asked about moving her stuff or having her dad with her. Might do some more this morning.

The year...or any other time frame...is it for practical or emotional considerations, or both?...is it for you or the kids, or both?

The practical considerations are what...can you afford it?...can you find a neighborhood and school that are suitable for your kids?...suitable for your commute, your Mom's commute if she is going to provide care for her grands?

The emotional considerations are what...what is best for your physical, emotional, spiritual/soul, health?...is it too triggering to remain there, or become too triggering in the future?...do you start looking through the blinds?...what is best for your kids, that their mom is across the street and can bring the blankey over?

I think it is too soon to make a decision because well...you don't have to make one now...unless you can't afford the house. I expect you will put all if the above considerations in a pot that you stir every now and then, see what considerations rise to the top. There will be a time when it feels right and makes sense.

Practical Advice: best to move kids during summer school break.

Emotional Advice: none of your future decisions should be made based on your STXW/OM's relationship, it's quality or duration. All outside of your control

Practical and Emotional Advice: get rid of all of her household shit as soon as possible.

You need 51/49. You want the kids to be deductions on your tax return, not his.

Seriously think about redecorating/repainting the inside of the home. It will feel like a new place. I repainted my boys bedrooms at first and ended up repainting the entire inside of the home, resurfaced kitchen counters, had new tile installed in the kitchen and bathrooms, new carpet everywhere else, and new landscaping done. I did this mostly to prep the home to put on the market. My boys and I didn't feel like leaving just yet because the old place felt so much like it was so new. It was so different that house itself was no longer a trigger for me. However, for me the market was really hot in the DFW area at the time (average selling time was 3 weeks and homes were being bid upwards) and I had to take advantage of it to maximize my return of equity. I bet when you start prepping yours into selling condition the triggers will start to decline, especially when you get rid of all of your STBXW's crap and trun the place into a single dad bachelor pad.

Seriously think about redecorating/repainting the inside of the home. It will feel like a new place. I repainted my boys bedrooms at first and ended up repainting the entire inside of the home, resurfaced kitchen counters, had new tile installed in the kitchen and bathrooms, new carpet everywhere else, and new landscaping done. I did this mostly to prep the home to put on the market. My boys and I didn't feel like leaving just yet because the old place felt so much like it was so new. It was so different that house itself was no longer a trigger for me.

It doesn't sound like the inside of the house is the problem. He has to see the biggest trigger imaginable right across the street, and that can't be changed ,even if OM moves the memory will still be there. BIG difference from your scenario.

Yes Rock - it is across the street. In your face.

I'm just pointing out that by the time you have the opportunity to actually MAKE a tactical decision to move, given the financial circumstances, they may have already moved, because he won't be able to afford the upkeep on the user-girlfriend he just acquired.

Thinking tactically. Not emotionally.

Do not sell out your ability to support your children in the way they've been accustomed to - no box in an alley or rough neighborhood, because she damaged your credit.

Talk with a financial advisor at your credit union or bank about rebuilding the credit she damaged.

Tactical. Put your house in order, financially, spiritually, physically. Make it yours. But ready for sale.

Once your credit is restored, where you can afford to sell, and get equal or better, then consider moving. because to consider it before then is emotional reactivity rather than tactical.

Feel the feelings, yes. I'm not saying shut them down. I'm not saying ignore the pain. You've been injured. But reacting from a place of emotion to get away from a person who eventually will become just someone that you used to know anyway... distance is just geography, as they say. While you're hurting, the hurt travels with you. You want your new space to be completely clean.

Tactical.

Win every advantage you can in the divorce process by being tactical, not emotional. Your kids will need you, because she's obviously unstable and unhinged. Women don't come back from this kind of wayward.

We are about 85 days out before we can have our final hearing. I'm waiting till the 70 day mark to throw out the final proposal.

Move or not, fixing it up to sell or "make your own" doesn't matter. I just want them to stay in La La land long enough for you to get a good settlement in the divorce and for her not to start delaying things and/or making things difficult.

She hasnt asked about moving her stuff or having her dad with her. Might do some more this morning.

It's kind of funny how quickly his finance moved out of the house. She was ready to move on. Meanwhile your WW was getting "just a few items here and there" until you started boxing stuff and carrying it over. That she set-up and cancelled her move and hasn't set up a new one.

To the best of you're knowledge their "relationship" has only been going on 4 months?

Again, you are doing great. Less than 3 months left.

Yes, pretty confident that there relationship started in August, which is a month before their version of the story. Nothing suggests anything sooner. So they would be together 6 months now. The roughly 4 month affair pre-discovery(EA into PA) and now almost 2 months since DDay.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 11:57 AM, January 24th (Wednesday)]

I dont know whether I am playing into the drama or figuring things out anymore. Went bowling with the kids and the BIL (he was supposed to bring his gf's kid but he couldnt come last minute)

Bowling went well intent was to avoid the subject (honestly was). Kids hadnt seen him since before dday and me and him amd the kids have always been close. He lived with us for 6 months after his wifes affair and his divorce. After a while the kids wanted to play the arcades and we were bowling alone. The subject came up and his and his parents disqust about what his sister did came up. I tried not to engage to much but the opportunity to vent came up and I joined the discussion.

Learned she has always had something lined up when a relationahip ended. Learned that when I started dating her she had a bf, I had no clue. In fact she denied this when I asked on dday. Learned that he had gone to a bar with his other sister in his hometown when my wife was 19. Apparently a 30 something year old had heard her name and made a comment that he liked it when she was around and that ahe almost broke his dick off...omg I wanted to puke. She apparently also slept with his friend at a party.

I learned that she and her AP have been trashed almost continuously. They showed up at his place to pick BIL up and after not answering the phone for 20 min cause they were prob fooling around in the car had picked him up and there were 8 empty beer bottles in the car. Another time in the past couple weeks she drove him home and he realized she was trashed as she was doing 40mph on the freeway.

And no there is no info on them drunk around the kids.

I cant believe I married this woman I am getting the upset stomach and puke feeling of week one. Its even worse than I thought.

My woman picker is fucked.

BIL says she bitches at the AP all the time and lays on the couch. The AP is trying to train the dog and she is untraining his other dogs having them jump on the couch.

There relationship is on a track to hell and I know it. I was reachimg indifference. Now I am worried about the crash and burn and what will happen next. Screwy I am hoping for her relationships to be more functional. She needs to get to a better place for my kids. Yea I know you'll say ask for 100% custody but BIL aint going to testify against sis in court. I want to get her into IC, how the hell do I do that. She was such shit in MC and railed against the therapy process.

I almost wanted her and AP to work out as he would be the better influence even though I am deeply upset at what he did.

Frustrated, confused, ashamed to have my name attached to her.

I am considering talking to her. Confronting her on her past and pleading with her to go to IC and saying I will pay for it. Fudge she is screwed up. I just never freakin knew...dammit.

I still care for her. IDK why.

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 10:13 PM, January 24th (Wednesday)]