SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are things going today?

Strength

JM

You file to show your wife a consequence for her affair.

You file to show your wife your intent to separate herself from her infidelity.

You file to show your wife that you still respect yourself and to show her you still have balls.

You file to end her nonsense and wayward ways.

Now have her served at work for banging her coworker.

Use your brains and your balls. Stop letting your guilt prolong this mess.

H

Hey buddy.

I just wanted to check in with you to see how YOU are doing. You're going through a lot. You are, understandably confused, distraught, angry, afraid, and all of those other rollercoaster emotions. This is really understandable. It's totally unfair that, at a time when you are being whipsawed by your emotions and reality, that you have to also make life-altering decisions. That at some point, you have to draw your line in the sand and say, for my own sake, enough.

Understand, you can make the decision to not make a decision. That's your choice. You can choose to not do anything and continue as you are. That's your right. You're a grown man and you have the right to choose in what manner you act.

Thing is, that your choice, your decisions, have consequences. If you're not at the point of deciding to get yourself out of infidelity, then that's your choice. The consequences are you continuing to live in this half-life limbo where your WW keeps feeding you shit-sandwiches and you accept it. Where your WW spends your marital assets on her affair(s), and you are supporting it. Where you continue to live in infidelity.

You made some good steps forward. You are starting to detach. You're looking at legal options. You are starting to think about what if. But you're worth SO much more than these steps! By not filing, you are in a way, still doing the pick me dance. Think about it. Your WW gets to take vacations. Gets to continue doing what she wants to do. Continues to get to live in a home that you maintain. Gets the benefit of being married to someone who is responsible for her debits and who gives her support, even only if that of a roommate. She's getting benefits of being married to you, without giving you any support whatsoever.

You need to take control of your life. Because this IS your life. The only one that you're going to get. She is wasting not only your money and your support she's wasting your life. Your very precious life. And you may make more money, but you will never get one of those days that she's wasted back. They are gone. Finis. Never to be seen again.

File, because you want to take control of your life again. File, to deny her the chance of wasting any more of your precious time. File, so that you can walk out of the valley of infidelity into the light of your life. File, because you have worth. (((hugs)))

I have to ask, what's the advantage of filing first?

I'll tell you what. Your wife has gone after a bad boy, someone who "can take care of her."

She sees him as being strong, and you as being weak.

By filing, you demonstrate your strength. If you file first, you may be able to save the marriage - though from what you said, I don't know it's worth it.

If you keep on being passive, I think there is no chance.

She's acting weird again.

I celebrate 20 years of sobriety today. She texted me -

"Just wanted to say congratulations on today. Huge accomplishment. Are you going to a meeting?"

I said, thank you, and yes. She says -

"Do you mind if I come?"

I told her I'm not getting my 20 year piece tonight, my sponsor isn't going to be there. Then I went to drop off money for my daughter to go out with friends, and she comes out to my truck to congratulate me and starts to talk. I said "thank you" and drove away.

Bringing souvenirs back, texting me about stuff we did in the past, wanting to go to my meeting to support me and see me get my piece. None of this makes sense if she wants to move on without me, but I'm just keeping my distance. I won't get caught up in her craziness.

Seems like two possibilities:

Slightly less likely: She's feeling you out to see if you'll rugsweep and welcome her back

Slightly more likely: She wants to "be friends" so her infidelity doesn't seem as bad ("because it all turned out OK")

Also there is a nonzero possibility that she's just fucking with you for amusement.

She wants to be friends. Assuage guilt, show people, see, he likes me, it was best for everyone, I'm happy, he's happy.

Also, good to be friendly to Plan B you.

Also, she might still need stuff from you. There's a lot of unpleasant chores you do, she still doesn't like them, you can. Right, friend?

Why not just tell her "unless you are trying to rebuild our marriage, we have nothing to talk about other than children and the divorce."

JM72....your posts sound soooo much healthier

Sorry I was tough on you a while back. Oh...and, congrats.

You weren't tough, you made me get honest. You have nothing to apologize for. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass.

And thank you.

Plan C said it perfectly.

I also agree, Plan C nailed it.

She wants to be friends with you so she can feel better about herself. And if friends ask, she can say it was an amicable split and you were fine with it. Nobody was hurt, everyone was onboard with it, and she has done nothing wrong or hurt anyone. In my opinion, that is what she is striving for.

First off you file for the simple reason it means you are taking charge of your life. You are being proactive instead of reactive. It's the difference between being aggressive vs. being passive.

Don't be passive.

Now the friendly gestures she's putting out? I believe there's a common fantasy amongst WW that everyone will be friends afterwards, no hard feelings and my boyfriend and ex-husband are pals!

It's part and parcel of the la la land fantasy she is living out now.

Don't be a part of it. Be polite but rememeber would you be friends with someone who did this to you? Someone with self-respect wouldn't.

I had asked you earlier about your children interacting with the OM and his friends. Have you checked into his criminal background at all? or discussed these concerns with your wife?

I'm not plan B, and I'm not reacting to my wife. I'm taking control of my life by going to meetings, and knowing that I'm doing what I need to do to grow and be a better person. All I can control is me, not my wife, not the marriage, just me.

The guy works for the judiciary for the state, I doubt he has a criminal record. Passing a random drug test is a different story, but that's not my problem.

If my wife wants to act 22 all over again with the partying, God bless. I'm looking for a more peaceful life, just enjoying the kids and living the way I'm supposed to live. Maybe my wife needs to crash and burn to wake up, who knows? I can't fix her, so I stopped trying.

I'm not plan B, and I'm not reacting to my wife. I'm taking control of my life by going to meetings, and knowing that I'm doing what I need to do to grow and be a better person. All I can control is me, not my wife, not the marriage, just me.

The guy works for the judiciary for the state, I doubt he has a criminal record. Passing a random drug test is a different story, but that's not my problem.

If my wife wants to act 22 all over again with the partying, God bless. I'm looking for a more peaceful life, just enjoying the kids and living the way I'm supposed to live. Maybe my wife needs to crash and burn to wake up, who knows? I can't fix her, so I stopped trying.

OK, this is the attitude you need to have. You are focusing on the right things. Keep this attitude and you and your kids can move forward happily and in a better place. I wish you strength in moving forward.

JM72,

Congratulations on your 20 years of sobriety. That's huge.

I don't have much to add other than to say you have been given some very good advice.

I tried to be friends with my wayward wife after the separation and she moved out. I soon started taking the advice of those on this board and went no contact with her for my own sanity. That's the advice I give you, stay no contact with your WW and preserve your sanity. Speak only business with her. In the long run this benefits you.

It takes time, lots and lots of time, but one day you will not even consider taking her back. Because your new life is going to be so much better than your old life. In time my friend.

Woke up this morning and she wanted to talk. I ignored her. She says - "So you don't even want to talk about us? You just want me to go file first?" I just walked away.

I would like to talk, but I can't talk with someone who is lying, manipulating, blame-shifting, being deceitful. What's the point?

What's the point? For you or for her? You're standing firm in not being plan B. Great. For her it's going to be a full-court press in trying to put you in a pussy coma. All in order to distract you and throw you off your game. THAT IS ALL. Ain't no love there. Given the chance, she'll smooth you out with some sex, while auditioning for that broke ass rap dude to be in his next low budget video showing him how she can make her booty clap to the beat. Chile please...she is pathetic.

Retain a lawyer and FILE.

[This message edited by CopiousTears at 11:33 AM, April 2nd (Saturday)]

Should I talk to her if she's been wanting to talk? I really don't see the point. I was getting dressed, and I could hear her talking to our oldest daughter in the bedroom with the door shut. My wife told my daughter - "well, he doesn't even want to talk, so I don't know what else to do".

It's not that I think I'll be hurt by what she has to say, it's just, I feel like I'm doing alot better , and I really don't want to give her control, try to manipulate shit with the "I never meant to hurt you" BS, but at the same time, she either wants to be friends (no thanks), or is starting to realize maybe what she's doing is a mistake and she's having second thoughts.

I would be willing to talk, but the second she tries to cover up, manipulate, deflect, sugarcoat her shit, I'm done.

What is your reason for talking to her? Are you looking to get something out of the conversation that you don't already have? Will this conversation sway you to R or D? It seems it will eat you alive if you don't so go ahead. Just be firm in your resolve, don't lose any ground, don't capitulate. Let her talk while you listen and then walk away. Don't confirm or deny anything that she has to say.