SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Was listening to a song earlier that epitomizes what alot of us go through -

Some people say that loves a losing game

I'll win your love or I'll take the fall

Amen. Great song - Bob Seger - "You'll Accompany Me"

[This message edited by JM72 at 9:19 PM, April 8th (Friday)]

One of my favorites by Bob --- (((((( JM72))))))

Pardon me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me like you're turning a blind eye to anyone who tells you to file for D. Why?

(((JM72)))

You do what's right for you, and if you need to correct course later that's ok too. There are a lot of opinions here, but only you know what your complete experience warrants.

You don't need your self esteem knocked in here as well as IRL, and I want you to feel safe, so please know that there are many of us here who support you and want to help you get to your most ideal outcome with compassion. You can be strong. Listen to your heart. Take small steps and the road will seem less intimidating.

We are here.

It's cool, thanks Jrazz.

I've paid my dues over the years, so what other people think of me is none of my business. I noticed some think I've lost my "manhood" or don't have any respect for myself because I don't deal with things the way they think it should be handled.

At some point, maybe I'll be man enough to explain myself.

Who knows.....

All of the people that have found themselves here have paid their dues. I don't think anyone here thinks you have lost your manhood or respect for yourself. We just sometimes use a little tough love to try to nudge the betrayed spouse to action. All any of us are grasping for is to help a fellow BS.

That being said. You obviously have your own demons to grapple with and your own burden to bear. I hope you are successful and find your way out of infidelity for your sake and the sake of your kids. I wish you good fortune in your future brother.

You know JM I am one of those posters that think Limbo is not a place that is healthy to remain in for too long.

But if a BS is strong, has great self esteem and still values their marriage (vows) then you can endure being there longer than most other BS's.

Your plan is just that. Your plan.

Just be careful to truly evaluate your WW.

She is a selfish one and just seems to have so little regard for you through this affair.

Pretty typical for a wayward.

Your family is certainly in my prayers.

HM

As a lawyer, I am not sure how much there really is to be gained from filing first. Yes, your W could go on a spending binge and I would protect any savings I had, but as long as you do that you can file when you want.

The only issue with Limbo is with the pain that comes from the hope of R. If you move forward with your own life as though you are D, then you really aren't in Limbo.

So I think you are doing great. As I said before, you said what needs to be said. You want to reconcile, but she has to change before that can begin. Live your life for you - do the things that make you happy. At some point it will become obvious what her intent is - and I don't think you will have to wait long for that.

JM,

what exactly is your situation ?

Where is she living at ? Where are you living at ?

Are you still doing the 180 ?

Even though you won't file for divorce, a move I certainly would do myself and I disagree with you here, that's on you. But as the last few posters have indicated, you need to feel safe and move forward in order to repair your self esteem and get back on your feet. However, you can't do this while she is cohabitating or has access to your abode or can get at you through the kids because she can come and go as she pleases, she may try to bring the OM around, and she can manipulate you and drag you down.

What exactly is your situation today as we speak and what are your plans from here on out to get out of limbo ?

To be safe, you need a buffer.

OK, my plan is to keep doing what I've been doing.

I'm working on myself, taking care of myself, feeling better. My self esteem and worth is going up by going to meetings and working on myself.

While doing this, I am still processing everything. I'm doing the 180, and she has noticed. When we did talk last week, she mentioned how good I've been since going back to meetings.

When I'm home, I steer clear of her as much as possible. I watch TV, laugh, play with the kids, or put my ear buds in and listen to music. She sees I'm going in a different direction without her, and most of the time she has this frustrated look on her face, like she's sulking.

She has already said the more time that goes by, the more she doubts getting a divorce is what she wants. I'm processing everything still. I've taken the steps of talking to an attorney. Maybe it gets to the point where I decide I don't want to work on the marriage if she is unwilling to make the changes and fix herself, but I'm not there yet.

So, I've taken control of the situation, and making progress based on my actions. This is the way I want to do it. To go in a certain direction to be happy, and if she doesn't want to come with, she can keep doing what she's doing. I already know she's not happy with her direction, so....

Good plan. It's good that you'll be talking to a lawyer, make sure you ask him how to legally protect yourself from debts that she might cause from now on, talk to him about custody, about protecting yourself against false domestic violence charges by having a VAR etc.

Also, how's the situation regarding individual counselling? Have you had a chance to read&do exercises from No more mr. nice guy?

Best wishes!

I'm actually doing the opposite of what my counselor recommended. He gave me the "You catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar" talk. I go there to vent and rant, but when it comes to advice, whether it's him, people here, my sponsor, I take time to think it through and do what feels right for me.

I don't know about the No More Mr. Nice guy thing. I'm not mean or nasty to her, I'm more indifferent.

She's saying she's not sure about a divorce now????

Why is this her decision? She's having an affair and calling the shots on whether she wants to stay married???

You are not in control of this situation. She is.

Go back and Reread your posts. What's wrong with this picture? Pretend it's your best friend and he's asking you for advice. What would you tell him?

Not sure if this what you call marriage is worth saving but if you are to save it you have to be willing to end it.

Being timid and weak in these situations will get you the short end of the stick.

No one is going to do this for you. The Calvary isn't coming.

How am I being timid and weak if I continue to get better, continue to work on myself, continue to be a better person, taking care of myself first, and kids a close second, detach from her and move in a direction where I'm going to be happy? If she wants to come along, she knows what she needs to do.

I'm in control of how I feel, what I want, where I'm going, not her.

I don't understand all these "if you don't do it the way I would do it, you are timid and weak" posts.

Who says I'm not in complete control over the only thing I can control? - MY life.

And to be honest with you, she's always been jealous when I'm around other women. I know it bothers her that I took my wedding ring off as well (may seem childish, and it probably is, but it's a response that I won't just "accept" her actions). I would never do anything as long as I'm married, but she doesn't know that when I go out all the time to my meetings. It gives her something to think about.

I'm not sure if it's the George Clooney- like looks, or the incredible charm and charisma , but she doesn't like me being around other women. There is a consequence to her actions, and I know she doesn't like it.

"You catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar"

Not when it comes to infidelity.

More like all's fair in love and war type of attitude is needed.

Thanks for the reply.

This counsellor doesn't seem to be good, so I'd recommend you find someone better equipped to help you deal with infidelity and everything else. This thread is a good place to read when selecting a therapist - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 .

As for the book, it's available online for free if you google "No more mr. nice guy pdf". I don't think you're being too nice to your wife, but I think it's worth a read just in case. You'll see after the first 10 pages or so if the book might be helpful or not. What I like about the book is that it also talks a lot about focusing on (re)building strong relationships with other men (friends, relatives,...) etc. Again, at most you'll lose an hour of your time by giving the book a try.

Otherwise, for strictly infidelity, "Not just friends" and "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" (also available online for free) are two awesome books.

Best wishes!

Well, I found out through my cousins wife that my wife set up and went to her first counseling session today. A therapist that specializes in codependency, depression, addiction in the family, etc. At the very least, she recognizes she needs help.

I'll continue to just keep doing what I've been doing for now.

standard advice is not to make life decisions hasty. think on it.

that said it is also standard advice to get out of infidelity fast.

lots decide to r or d then change their minds. its ok to think about how you want to go.

I'm still processing what is going on and how I feel to be honest with you. I'm not sure of the outcome or what I want, so I'm just taking it one day at a time for now.