SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AHG what was your wife’s reaction to the affair hint? Was it anger or shame?

maybe shame or a grief but defiantly not anger. I didn't see or read the posts, I was old by my daughter later.

AHGuy, I'm originally from Michigan. I can't imagine spending Christmas in Florida on a regular basis. talk about opposites. I hope you enjoy your vacation and the time with your family.

I hope you have a good therapist. I lucked out with mine and it really helped me to have someone I could talk to and felt was on my side. Hopefully yours can help point you in the right direction when you need some guidance.

we've been spending Christmas with my parents since they moved to Florida including the 2 Christmas while she was having an affair. I told her she wasn't going this year she didn't respond, whatever that means.

For the therapy, I do not know what to expect, it's a first. it won't be about the affair it is more about my self improvement but I'm pretty sure I will bring up the A.

Good to hear from you AHGuy. Stay frosty.

Thumos, it is good to hear from you too. Frosty is what describes me the most now. I don't know if you know this, but you and your story inspire me the most.

IMO.....If your cheating wife was focused on her own crap, and how she is going to address her own faults, as well as how she going to keep you around.....that she wouldn’t have time or concern for politics.

Everything was very personal this election .For someone who is reportedly such a pleaser she cant even keep her clothes on - it should have been natural for her to be sensitive to her own daughters feelings . Mother of the year .

I didn't see what she posted nor did I see the comments. I just have what my daughter told me, who by the way regretted hinting her moms A in a public space and apologized to her mom.

Your WW just doesn't seem to have much respect for other people's beliefs. I think your daughter had a right to call out her mom's hypocrisy, but she should have done it in private and not online. So both your WW and your daughter were at fault. Just my two cents.

The more I learn about your WW the less impressed I am with her as a person.

Edit: For what it is worth, your daughter could probably use some counseling to help her deal with her anger and resentment towards her mom, if she is not already in some kind of therapy.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:31 AM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

Thumos, it is good to hear from you too. Frosty is what describes me the most now. I don't know if you know this, but you and your story inspire me the most.

👍🏼

AH,

I guess your feelings are either on a more even keel now or you are (as is typical to us males, for the most part) just not speaking about them much.

I for one would like to know where your head and heart is settling (if they are) at the moment.

I think we can take it for granted that there is a note of sadness present, but are you feeling more detached from you wife or are you feeling that you are sticking to the separation because it is what was agreed to?

I have been inactive in posting to this thread as of late, not because of diminished interest or support, but because of a personal health problem, therefore, when I say that I wish you only the best of fortune on this road you are traveling, it is with the same veracity as when I more actively posted here before.

Best wishes to you and yours, AH.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 12:26 AM, November 14th (Saturday)]

AH, how are you holding up sir?

How are you AHGuy? Did the therapy work for you? You will be travelling for your vacation soon, how is your family dealing with her not going with you all?

I hope to be wrong, but in reading the entire topic, I get the feeling that AH is the kind of man that takes a lot of blame on himself, feels like the weight of the world is his to bear, and is very susceptible to the sex bomb coming to town.

I would bet that his WW...who is in sales...and knows how to bring a convincing act in and out of the bedroom, brought the sex bomb like it was Tzar Bomba on max yield.

Good luck to you, OP...wherever you may be.

Sorry to say this, but I think WalkingHome has it absolutely correct! She needs to keep him to save even the smallest sliver of her reputation, and in business is everything!! AND keeping her comfortable church-going suburban woman lifestyle with a hard working husband she has cheated on for long term and got away with disrespecting in such a horrendous manner!!!!

If AH has left SI, he’ll be back eventually, it’s just a question.

AH, I hope you nothing but the best. Stay strong and do what is best FOR YOU!!!

He told us he was toying with R. No surprise there.

We can also take it as a given that she is working more angles than a three card monte barker in a carnival side show.

That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s working for her.

Maybe the guy is just taking a break. He does run a HVAC business and it is winter.

He will come along when he is ready.

To my SI friends, first Thank you for asking about me here or by Pms. You have no idea how happy it makes me feel when complete internet strangers who never met me in person are showing care and concern about me.

I hesitated a lot before deciding to respond with this short update, I was advised by my therapist to stay away from this site for now, and I'm a guy who normally keeps his promises but I felt like I owe it to all of you who have supported me out of respect and gratitude. My therapist read all my posts here and I'm pretty sure she will find out about this too.well it is what it is.

She thinks that I have an "emotional intelligence" that's way above average that allows me to control my emotions as a coping mechanism. whatever that means but she wants me to focus on my OCDs for now not the Affair.

I'm not being sex bombed or anything like that. I'm inexplicably indifferent in regard of my STBXW, yes you read it right STBXW. After long reflection I decided that I will go for divorce. I based that decision mainly on 2 factors.

1- I'm feeling indifferent about her and the affair, meaning that at this moment I'm not bothered by it and could get back with her if I wanted to, but some of the horror stories here makes me afraid of not being able to sustain this feeling. I do not want to be back here a year later or 2 or 25 regretting not leaving. I won't lie to you I still struggle with the idea of letting her go, it just aches me deep sometimes but I was assured by my therapist that it was normal. but someone here asked me a question that I couldn't answer, the question was something like what qualities she has that made me want to be with her, I realized that nothing that I can't live without or can't find somewhere else.

2- I realized that I can have a life without her, I even for the first time in more than 28 years I felt attracted to a woman other that my wife, let's not go through any more details here for now as I somehow feel that I'm emotionally cheating. but my point is there is a life out there for me and I'm looking forward for a new and improved AHGUY.

I'm at my daughter's house in northern Virginia getting ready for a long drive to Indian Shores Florida with my youngest son.

Again I want to thank you all specially the ones who PMed me , I will respond to all your pms once I get to Florida.

Love you all

Godspeed, AHG. Good luck and please update us again when you can.

You are now done with the most difficult part of the process... making the decision to divorce your cheating wife and moving on.

You should be proud of how you handled yourself throughout this period of Hell that she forced on you!!!

You have shown your children how a man handles such devastation, betrayal, and extreme pain! Be proud of yourself!!! You have shown them that you respect yourself and they love and respect you as well.

Have you told your STBXW of her new status?

So, head up, shoulders back, and walk proud!

Good job!

And although there are a few bad days ahead of you, those bad days are very limited and will become less and less frequent and be less and less bad.

Please continue to return to offer updates on your ever improving life, and also, as you are not a veteran who escaped Hell, your advice to those that discover their loved ones are cheating on them would be very helpful to them. Basically, I’m asking you to pay it forward.

Great things are ahead of you. It has been over 2 years since my divorce from a cheater was finalized, and I can honestly say that I am definitely living my best life (a phrase my daughter uses regularly)

So, congratulations, good luck in your future, and don’t be a stranger!!

Glad to see an update and that you're doing so well. I have to agree with your therapist in that you do possess a better than average emotional intelligence. You've handled your situation very well, even though I'm sure it probably felt really messy at times. You've been methodical and looked at every angle, and I'm confident that whatever decision you make at this point will be the right one.

Have a safe journey... and watch out for COVID. It's rampant right now in so many locations.

I am so happy to hear that you are doing so well . Ofcourse there is loss and pain involved and D is never easy ....but you have been incredibly thoughtful and mature through the whole process not to mention fair . Wishing you all the best

Thank you so much for the update AHG. I wondered how things were going but didn’t want to pester you. You sound very healthy and I must wholeheartedly agree with your therapist about your high EQ. I am also interested to learn your therapist said it was very normal for a BH to conclude divorce is the right path. I am personally encouraged by this. 2021 is when I rip the bandaid off. I’m in a slightly different situation because of a younger child but I think it is going to be the healthiest thing for me in the long run. I am so glad to hear this update. Please don’t be a stranger. Like you I am feeling the need to cutback on my SI activity.

Also being attracted to other women during a separation period is not cheating. Being attracted to other women in the midst of a monogamous commitment isn’t cheating either.

If you’ve made a connection with this other woman but haven’t crossed any boundaries and are also filing for divorce, that is also not cheating.

The litmus test is to ask yourself whether you’ve done anything you would not want you STBXW to know — if you’ve found a mutual attraction to another woman (which is something that is usually obvious without having to be spoken) but haven’t crossed boundaries, I would not consider this an EA.

I don’t agree with the position of some that you have to wait for an official divorce decree. If you’ve filed, moved out, separated, moved on, then we’re talking about a piece of paper. The more meaningful things were the vows and monogamous commitment which your STBXW unilaterally violated and shattered. At that point the marriage was metaphysically dead.

Good luck to you sir, go be happy.

Based on how long it has taken you to post an update and that my perception of you based on your posts that you're an honest and straight forward guy, I'm assuming you have informed your WW and your family of your final decision to D now, if so, how is she and the rest of the family coping with that reality ?

Also there's a saying here on SI that reads: "Take what you need and leave the rest", I would also apply that to your therapist, if you feel the need to come here more often, by all means do so, we're here to support you and help you through this difficult situation, and don't feel bad for being attracted to other women, especially now that you've decided to D.

It's good to hear from you AHG. Your decision doesn't surprise me as your wife had checked out of your marriage even before her two year affair. The reality is that if she had not been caught she would still be with the OM. The OM would have strung her along as a side piece for some time. She really was waiting for the youngest to leave home and that would have been the time she would have discovered that the OM never intended to leave his wife. Would she have come back to you, who knows?

So in many ways the shock discovery has helped you in regaining an authentic life. You are a loyal and honest man and I am sure you will find happiness again. You have also set an example to your kids by walking away from this. It is also possible that she finds her way back to you in the future, stranger things have happened, whether you will be available is a different story altogether.

I'm at my daughter's house in northern Virginia getting ready for a long drive to Indian Shores Florida with my youngest son.

Again I want to thank you all specially the ones who PMed me , I will respond to all your pms once I get to Florida.

Godspeed, AH, and I'm very happy for you. As you were likely right next door to me in NoVa, I would have bought you a beer, had I known!

Safe travels to FL and have a wonderful holiday. I consider this a pretty decent end to your saga, although maybe not the happiest one, you do leave in charge of your life, and in control of your own emotions. I like your therapist and I hope she doesn't judge you too harshly for saying goodbye. You're a good guy and deserve happiness.

Thanks again for your support, I’m very terrible at phone typing but I will give it a shot,

KingogNothing: my daughter just moved to Norther Virginia few months ago she just bought a house in Prince William County, there is a very possible a chance I will be moving to VA too next year, we’ll see. As for my therapist, believe me I was the most skeptical about therapy in general but this woman changed my mind even if she doesn’t want to address the affect of the affair for now,

Buster123: I’m so ashamed to say that I have not informed my wife about my decision to divorce her yet. She knows since the beginning that it was a possibility, but she is still hoping that we would reconcile. In fact, it’s only been a week since I came to the conclusion of definitely divorcing and wanted to run it by people I trust first. I told my daughter Friday she was taking by surprise, she didn’t say any but trust me I can read her eyes, and if you followed my story, you would know that my daughter had by far the toughest stand against her mom since DDay but somehow she felt kind of bad about the decision, she later told me that she understood why and would support both of us, today I told my parents , funny that first thing my mother said to me was “ what took you so long?” My dad offered support. I will let her know I’m just still thinking whether to do it face to face when I go back or just by phone.

thumos: the therapist never said that it was very normal for a BH to conclude divorce is the right path. What I meant is that my feeling bad about the thoughts of letting her go was normal.

As for being attracted to another woman and if it is cheating or not is another subject for another day. I have been approached by 3 women who were sending me clear messages of interest. I felt it was kind of creepy specially that 2 of them know my family and would consider my wife a friend. I played it dumb and pretended I didn’t get their signals. The 3rd lady is interesting, she is a costumer of mine and Showed obvious signs of interest . Can’t deny that I felt something toward her that I always thought I would only have for my wife. I had to pull back and she apologized.

Finally, I want to thank you all ChamomileTea, Seracha, NewLifeisGreat and every single one of you for the kind words and support you have showed here.