SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Irreparable

The point you articulated which I have been trying to make for a while, but you crystalized perfectly, was the therapist not confronting the client because they want the client to feel like the therapist is "on their side".

I have directly observed this phenomenon with therapists when dealing with cheaters, and I don't think it is in any way limited to working with teenagers. And of course if the delicate little flower ego of a cheater is confronted by a therapist, the cheater runs for the hills and the therapist loses the client.

I have to remind myself that I have no idea what was actually said in therapy, or was it something that my ex wife thought she heard the therapist saying. There are positives and negatives to siding with the client but it needs to be done for a while to gain trust. I wish I could be blunt during the very first session, but most people would not return. With teens it usually takes me a few months to gain their trust, some longer, and some never. But the ultimate goal in any situation is for the client to find a way to begin enjoying their life (minus the really crazy ones).

I think whoever is doing therapy for AHGuy WW, they should be asking her questions that make her face her reality. A good therapist can work for the client but also not let them rugsweep, it just cant really be done until the client begins to trust the therapist.

to add to all of it my wife told me that she is stopping her "secular" IC after a only few sessions and she is content with her pastor for now till she finds a different one. the reason is that her therapist doesn't agree with our ways of doing things, She told her submitting to my demands to R at this moment without working on our marriages issue prior to her A would be an abuse to her. she advised her to not work on R and focus on herself instead.

Do you think she is telling you the truth here?

Let’s face it, she has a.....complicated.....relationship with reality.

[This message edited by ramius at 5:54 PM, October 31st (Saturday)]

He said that at most 10% stay together after infidelity. He seemed pretty competent, well established etc. Apparently, he felt the damage was repairable most of the time.

I work at a university in the system in my state. My line of work has me acquainted with most if not all of the faculty at some point. The university I work at has statewide recognized Doctorates and PHD programs in Social Work. I talk a lot and listen more with the instructors and counselors in those fields. We may not see I to eye on some issues but by the stories I hear, those numbers are pretty accurate. It just eats away at a relationship like acid. 5, 15, 20 years later you dissolve and don't really know why. Also the ones that do stay pretty much live a gray/grey life. Life is to short for "Gray".

It's twice in the Commandments for a reason...

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 3:03 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

These numbers seem in line with my own experience.

I'm checked out now at the four year mark after D-Day and ready to move forward with divorce.

It's going to suck for my children, and that creates a lot of anxiety for me about it. But I just don't find myself loving her deeply. And I know I need to do something else.

I don't regret the past four years, but I feel now it's time to move on. I suspect this is often the case.

I can see it on my WW's face now - the sense of loss she's experiencing I went through over the past four years. She seems to know we're counting down now. She is clinging to things desperately and I'm trying to detach.

About this same time four years ago, my WW (at least according to her timeline) had just kicked off the PA part of her affair and I was in full freak out mode with my radar trying to convince myself my sweet wife would never do such a thing.

These numbers seem in line with my own experience.

I'm checked out now at the four year mark after D-Day and ready to move forward with divorce.

It's going to suck for my children, and that creates a lot of anxiety for me about it. But I just don't find myself loving her deeply. And I know I need to do something else.

I don't regret the past four years, but I feel now it's time to move on. I suspect this is often the case.

I can see it on my WW's face now - the loss she's experiencing that I went through already over the past four years.

She seems to know we're counting down now. She is clinging to things desperately and I'm trying to detach.

About this same time four years ago, my WW (at least according to her timeline) had just kicked off the PA part of her affair and I was in full freak out mode with my radar up, trying to convince myself that my sweet wife would never do such a thing.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:28 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

No update?

Maybe he wants to take a break from all of this for a while.

he is too busy getting love bombed and hysterical bonding.

I've throttled back from replying here-- after 117 plus pages of several posts a page, I think it's just a little too overwhelming to come up with something new to say for AHGuy. Might not be the case, but it wouldn't be surprising to me.

he is too busy getting love bombed and hysterical bonding.

not at all. Not even a bit.it is very tempting, after all I'm just a man, but I haven't given up. like I said before I don't see myself as a typical betrayed spouse and this is one more example of it. I know I've been too hesitant, which isn't how I usually am, but I'm adjusting to it.

No update?

No much to update, other than I'm seeing a therapist for the fist time in my life this Wednesday. something I never thought I would do. the separation is gong on as planned. We normally go to Florida for Christmas, this year it will be without her. I'm even considering a longer stay, like a month, the plan is to leave 2 weeks before Christmas and have the kids joined me there then we all drive back after new year.

in another incident, My wife and our daughter had a bad argument after the elections. they have complete opposite political believes to an extreme. I don't want to bring up politics here but apparently my wife posted something in her Facebook page mocking or scrutinizing one side, my daughter responded with a hint to her mom affair which wasn't taken easy by her. she ended up deleting the whole thing. My daughter apologized for it but what I realized is no matter what the affair will always be there in our lives.

My wife and our daughter had a bad argument after the elections. they have complete opposite political believes to an extreme. I don't want to bring up politics here but apparently my wife posted something in her Facebook page mocking or scrutinizing one side, my daughter responded with a hint to her mom affair which wasn't taken easy by her. she ended up deleting the whole thing. My daughter apologized for it but what I realized is no matter what the affair will always be there in our lives.

The election has had a polarizing effect on families. That will pass. My own cousin (an alt-right nutcase) routinely has tried to engage with me online until I blocked him. Then he started in on my daughter yesterday about the results (since he couldn't reach me) and SHE blocked him. I'll unblock him when tensions die down a little.. maybe. The point being NOT to drag it into your personal lives if you can help it. Any existing resentment and anger tends to ratchet up to level 11 when you add it into a political discussion.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 8:06 AM, November 9th (Monday)]

Good man. Keep it up.

AHGuy, I'm originally from Michigan. I can't imagine spending Christmas in Florida on a regular basis. talk about opposites. I hope you enjoy your vacation and the time with your family.

I hope you have a good therapist. I lucked out with mine and it really helped me to have someone I could talk to and felt was on my side. Hopefully yours can help point you in the right direction when you need some guidance.

I don't want to bring up politics here but apparently my wife posted something in her Facebook page mocking or scrutinizing one side, my daughter responded with a hint to her mom affair which wasn't taken easy by her.

My comment has nothing to do with politics, but it does have to do with what I perceive happened in your daughter's post.

Not saying it is a popular position, but I am staunchly embedded in the view that cheaters forever and always need to just shut up when it comes to anything anyone else does. Period. You lose the self righteous position of "how could they", when you become the poster child of "what were they thinking" choices.

Cheaters, please, just give everyone else the right to be the indignant, selfish, human that you afforded yourself. Go low and easy on the hypocrisy.

Good to hear from you AHGuy. Stay frosty.

IMO.....If your cheating wife was focused on her own crap, and how she is going to address her own faults, as well as how she going to keep you around.....that she wouldn’t have time or concern for politics.

AHG what was your wife’s reaction to the affair hint? Was it anger or shame?

I think you’re on your own path now. Do you have any communication during the week at all? How is your youngest coping?

Everything was very personal this election .For someone who is reportedly such a pleaser she cant even keep her clothes on - it should have been natural for her to be sensitive to her own daughters feelings . Mother of the year .

I have a suggestion...let's just keep politics out of this. This is difficult enough for AHG without that adding to his stress.