SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

steady - I saw your post, and bumped all the newbie threads to the front of the list.

Enjoy....Seriously there is some great reading in there.

I'm sorry, Saveus. You are experiencing one of the many predictable pages from The Cheater's Handbook: crazy-making lies, half-truths and exaggerations. I'm not making light of it; it's brutal. I wouldn't know where to begin with my X's insane proclamations. I stared at her aghast, stunned.

Whether they believe what they are saying must be seen by you as irrelevant. Trying to untangle the madness or steer her toward a kernel of reality is futile. It is sad and tragic. You are now in two very different realities--objective and insanely subjective. Try like hell to accept this and don't waver. Do not engage or the insanity of what is dripping from her mouth will ensnare you and make you question your own reality.

Keep moving forward. Ignore her as much as possible. I'm really sorry you are experiencing this hell.

Thanks everyone. I am quite clear what stage I/we are in and know the ONLY way through is to disengage... It's the only way I'll ever get a word of truth out of my WW's mouth, and even then it could take longer than I'm prepared to wait

Even more difficult when I've seen the latest texts - actually, only a few from the OM to my WW, none from her, so I wonder if they are talking on the phone or even seeing each other. His are full of the usual - how he and her will love our DS, look after each other, how she's been unhappy and deserves happiness etc etc . However, he did make reference to loving her even more after kissing and canoodling (my word) with her on Wednesday when apparently she was ending it with him. At his house, remember. And one reference along the lines of, 'I can't wait to see you tomorrow' (being yesterday). And telling her his plans for after our son's club this morning which, it sounds to me, he will be at - despite my WW's continued claims that she thinks he won't be there (possibly ever again). Plenty enough encouragement to leave me and how she's always welcome at his - basically, nothing has changed.

Now, I'm sitting on all this and bottling it all up. I have to as it's the only way I'm getting a glimpse right now of what may REALLY be going on. I guess I just have to keep doing this, until I decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. But it's REALLY, REALLY hard. And all the while I know the 180 - for me first anyway, I know - is the only way to deal with the situation and my WW.

Is it time I INSISTED on an NC letter? I've let her get away with ending it in person now 2/3 times (twice behind my back, mind you). Is there any point??

Incidentally, I booked a short break for the three of us (that's my WW, DS and I, not my WW, OM & I ) for the end of next week. I don't know if this is a disastrous idea and I knew there was a chance she'd betray me again before then. I told her if she does, then I'll take my beautiful boy on my own. To which she replied, 'Oh no you won't! I took those days of work to be with our son so if anyone goes, it'll be me!'. As I said before, unbelievable.

Even more unbelievable if I tell you my mum (who my WW expects spends her days criticising her now she knows) lent me some money to be able to afford it (and my wife knows that).

You couldn't make this stuff up.

until I decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Yep, there's a saying here. *Rinse, lather and repeat.* That is, until YOU get tired of it.

But it's REALLY, REALLY hard.

Yes it is. You are a man of honor. The biggest issue is, you expect her to act the same way.

Is it time I INSISTED on an NC letter?

Yep, though, honestly, you should have done it a while ago.

Strength

@5454real: Yes, I know. Though what good it would have done, I'm much less sure.

My dilemma now (while my WW enjoys her lie-in while I get our boy up and ready for his club this morning) is whether to tell her I'm not going (so both my DS & I miss out), that my sixth sense is telling me nothing has changed & I need some time to figure out what I want, or just to go - as a family this time - while knowing the OM will be there and has been texting things about me being 'all over my wife' there (untrue - she hasn't been since all this started) etc etc.

I confess, I never had to face this disrespect of constant lying and refusal to NC so I guess I'm not the best for advice.

I believe that Abbondad can probably give you the best advice. he faced pretty much what you are facing, and it appears you are doing what he did.

but, I have a hard time understanding why you don't confront her with her lies? I don't get it. Are you afraid to say I know you're lying?

it seems to me that if my WW was lying to me it would be a dealbreaker. I would ask, why are you lying to me?

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:43 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]

Hi mike7, good to get your perspective. The ONLY reason is I clearly haven't reached the end of the line yet (I know, unbelievable) and confronting her with her lies will only blow the one & only advantage I currently have. I've come very close in the last 10 minutes actually, mentioning a couple of details I can only have got from recent texts - though my WW seems to think I may have hacked her email.

Either way, she's got her defences back up so has drifted WAY back into her fog.

fair enough. You're in the heat of it so you've got to do what feels right. I hope things work out for you.

[This message edited by mike7 at 4:21 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]

Incidentally, I booked a short break for the three of us (that's my WW, DS and I, not my WW, OM & I ) for the end of next week. I don't know if this is a disastrous idea and I knew there was a chance she'd betray me again before then. I told her if she does, then I'll take my beautiful boy on my own. To which she replied, 'Oh no you won't! I took those days of work to be with our son so if anyone goes, it'll be me!'. As I said before, unbelievable.

In other words, she's planning on betraying you again.

You have to reach your breaking point on your own schedule, but, really, this woman doesn't believe she's your wife. Continually engaging with her in this state only hurts everyone in the long run.

I think you need to focus elsewhere. Have you met with the people who run these clubs? They need to know what's going on, because your wife and the OM are setting you up for something. Or at least he's trying something on his own. Protect yourself (and this has the added advantage of protecting your son).

And, yeah, scheduling a family trip right now doesn't seem like a very positive idea. Not much chance your wife will join you on this one, as soon as she realizes it means uninterruptible time with the OM. If there's any advantage to catching a wayward in the clutches of an affair in the UK, though, maybe you could use that weekend to set her up and have a detective gather that proof.

@mike7: Thanks my friend. We have different styles but I know you have my best interests at heart.

@Red Sox Nation: Well, actually I don't believe for one second my WW won't come. Or won't try to orchestrate it so she and my DS go (she might have one problem though - the booking including a car ferry with my car registration is in my name). It's true she took the Friday off so as to have a long weekend (Friday our boy has a day off school) with our son, and I don't believe she wants to miss that. Whether she would have tried to spend that weekend with the OM and his kids, who knows? Probably, had her A not come to light.

Re catching my wife in the act, as it were, I think I have plenty enough evidence already in the form of sexting. And I suspect my WW would just admit it anyway once D was filed.

And no, I haven't yet spoken to the people who run the club. I've given this a lot of thought but - like smashing up phones/changing locks etc - it's not sat well with me. Yet, anyway. I can't see what there is to be gained at this precise moment. The club may be going out of existence soon anyway, which makes me question what - if anything - they'd do about the OM. There will be a time to play dirty - you'll not believe I have it in me, by now - but I think it could do me a lot more damage in the long run.

I don't see it as playing dirty. And I agree completely about the other examples.

The reason I advocate this is because it gets the situation on the record with this club. It's a preemptive strike against the OM making accusations against you. He has already shown signs of wanting to fight. He feels the ideal solution is not only to win your wife, but that the key to winning your wife is to provide a home for your son. Remember, he accused you of abandoning your son so you could chat up some woman outside the club.

I think your wife will get tired of him, but he's trying to stay one step ahead.

Thanks for the advice, RSN. I will give it more thought. I haven't ruled it out (unlike smashing phones).

Hi saveus. Wanted you to know that I'm still listening and still here rooting for you and your son.

One more perspective on outing POS OM to the club, even if they are going under, it establishes a precedence with this guy. Even for future references. I don't view it as a revenge situation either. Quite honestly I would not want this guy around my own kids because he has some serious character flaws. You'd be doing society a favor. Not putting any extra pressure eon you or telling you what to do. You are in a tough spot and I get it. It is what I would do though.

Hang in there saveus!!

yop

Saveus:

I might have missed it so please clarify:

I get it that your WW has told you she decided not to see OM.

I think I read she went to see him to end it.

But I haven‘t read where she commits to the marriage.

Has she done that? Has she said something like “Saveus – I know we have issues but I would want to work on saving our marriage”

Please: “I won’t see OM”, “I broke it off with OM” or “I decided to stay at home rather than see OM” is NOT committing to the marriage – it’s simply not seeing OM now.

though my WW seems to think I may have hacked her email.

Good to see you are doing better...mentally at least.

Is your wife texting back to the OM at all?

From what you wrote, it looks like he is the only one doing the communication at this time. If so, do not let your wife know you have hacked her email.

All she has to say is that he is the one talking, not her.

Is she out of the house for long or often without you knowing where she is.

It sounds like you are waiting to catch her one last time. So if she is not having any contact with him, she has not broken the NC yet.

When you go on this outing for three days...be prepared for your wife to be in a depressed mood. Her withdrawal from the affair.

She's gone... Left me within the last hour

I didn't stand in her way, didn't cry, beg or plead... Have had one text since: 'I'm so sorry xx'

(((Saveus)))

I'm so sorry. You've given your all; giving her every chance to choose her family.

However bad you hurt right now, please, please remember that none of this is your fault.

I'm here if you need a friend

CSITD, you've got bad enough problems yourself and that's why your support means so much. Thank you. The same applies from me.

So sorry, Saveus. We all have been there. Terrible pain. Keep posting when you can.

Thanks Abbondad. I'm still here. Don't know where else to be right now. My precious son is here with me too (fast asleep), thank God. He's helping me, giving me strength, and he is blissfully unaware. Love him