SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Got a long response from her this morning:

So are you wanting me to never contact you again then? Unless there's something important that comes up?

Sorry, I probably shouldn't have asked that question. I'm just trying to understand your answer. I do still want to be friends with you. I am a little surprised that you sound like you don't want to ever see me again. You asked to not see or talk to me for a month and I have given you 3. I thought things might be going better by now.

I know it must be easier to think of me as a 100% evil person who hurt you in the worst way I possibly could and who never loved you in the first place. But none of those things are true. I wish that we could talk about it some more. I think it would be good for both of us. I know that I can't make you talk with me or hang out with me, but I wish that you would reconsider. I understand if you aren't ready to talk about the relationship with me now, and that it could take more time before we are ready for that. But even if we don't talk about that, I would still like it if we could be friendly toward each other, and even go grab dinner and talk about what's going on in our lives. I know you [did a business thing], and it seems to be going pretty well. I'd love to hear more about that. I see you've been [doing another thing] lately, which is awesome. I'd love to hear about that. I would just enjoy it if we could at least be friends. We know each other so well, I would hate to lose a friend like that.

The kicker: Sent at 4:36am.

It would certainly be interesting to hear from her, but it still seems not to be worth it. It's true that I told her just after the breakup that we could see each other again someday (mostly because I was concerned about staying connected to our group of mutual friends) and now I'm just reaping what I sowed.

I've got to go catch a flight, so I don't have time to respond right away. I'll take advice on the subject, but it's going to be some form of "no", so I don't think I can get myself into too much trouble this time.

How's the business going? How is it making new friends?

The business is going great, but stressfully. Making new friends is going better than I ever would have expected! I spent Sunday with a great group of people (all couples, ugh) who I felt really at-home with. And the hosts had a pet greyhound too! Bonus.

So are you wanting me to never contact you again then?

you: That's right.

(then block her from any form of communication)

Do. Not. Engage.

And I'm so glad that your business is going well, hopefully the stress of it will die down soon. And new friends too - bonus!!

((((toopol))))

I'll take advice on the subject, but it's going to be some form of "no", so I don't think I can get myself into too much trouble this time.

I would respond with a simple, "yes, please never contact me again."

I would then block her number and email address. there is nothing important enough to merit contact. Her email was very flagrant, self-centered and entitled.

You have been an inspiration through this process with how well you've handled it and how clearly you've thought. You don't lash out at her, you simply do what's best for you and detach. That's pretty incredible and admirable. Keep going toopol. She's almost totally out of view in the rear view mirror.

[This message edited by StrongHeart at 12:08 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]

Toopol, it's awesome to hear from you and about you just living your life. For some morbid reason, I was over on the STD thread in I Can Relate yesterday and holy hell is it an eye-opener! I just want to remind you again about the bullet you dodged

I feel sorry for your girlfriend. It's never nice to see that the one you threw away has moved on and is doing well without you. She made her bed though.

However you decide to respond, I hope it is with as few words as possible. The more you give her, the more she has to pick apart. Maybe now is the time to make it clear that you don't hate her and that you wish her well but after what she's done, a friendship is not possible...goodbye.

I am happy to see you are doing well.

I made contact with an ex, that cheated on me, Many years later. However, by that time all I felt was indifference towards her. I was looking at myself and doing some soul searching (I was working on myself).

I asked about the reasons for the cheating, It was the same excuses as before. Nothing changes, unless they put in the work. Therefore, I would advice to stay no contact and live a good life.

Keep living well, that is the best you can do for yourself. Great job!

Her e-mail is still so full of manipulation and lack of empathy. Her "I know it must be easier..." statement is passive aggression pity party...lol how deluded do you have to be to be passive aggressive when you are trying to reconcile a friendship with someone??

She wishes that you could talk about your relationship some more and she thinks it would be good for both of you?? More delusion. What is best for you is what you have asked for: time and space...which she is disregarding. Just like she disregarded your needs in favor of meeting her own when you were together.

Nothing has changed in her, toopol. I think your instincts to be civil but not friendly are spot on. No point in throwing good money after bad.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 12:09 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]

That seemed nicer than "never talk to me again".

Dude why are you being nice? Now you got a reply when she got back from wherever she was or maybe waking up to go to the bathroom to text because she needed some privacy.

If you don't ever want to talk to her just say so.

Please save yourself the additional angst and make a final statement to her. We are not friends, do not contact me. And then go on about your life and finding yourself again.

Since you're done, never, never, show that you are hurt. The best, absolute best revenge is indifference, and living well. In which case...say "I'm just really busy with everything. Things are going awesome, but I just don't have time for catching up. I hope you are well. Take care."

eta - for some reason I feel conflicted about what you should do. fortunately, it's your call, not mine. My other thought is simply to tell her the truth, "look, I don't hate you and I don't think you're evil. You cheated on me twice. I don't know why you chose to do that. But you did. And there's no coming back from that. You hurt me to the bone. and I'm just not going to ever get over it. we're never going to get back together. Never. For the benefit of both of us I think it's best that we just part ways. You get on with your life. I'll get on with mine."

Probably, most probably anyway, I'd level with her and tell her the truth. But, after I did, I would probably never contact her for five or more years, if ever. Communication would be over.

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:30 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]

You last wrote....

I'd rather not. I know I talked about seeing each other and hanging out again after some time had passed, but I've since changed my mind about that. If there's something that really needs discussing, I'd prefer to keep to text or email.

This was a very clear and she should have understood that you didn't want to hangout with her. I can only suggest your next message is more blunt or you will be getting these on a monthly basis...."What about now? Can we be friends now?"

Keep it short ...if you try to explain why dinner would be a bad idea she will continue to write and explain why it would be good...then you would try to say no... and then...

Short and to the point without leaving a door open for future contact. I'd suggest something like...

Again, I do not want to meet up. I'm doing great and moving on with my life.

@ mike7:

Please (re)read 'no more mr. nice guy'..... just sayin'....

Here's what I just sent to her:

Right, I don't want you to contact me again unless something important comes up.

I've never thought of you as evil, and yes, things have gotten better for me over the past few months. But I don't feel any desire to reconnect, and I don't think I'd be happier if we did. I certainly won't be nasty if we ever run into each other, but I don't want to be friends.

Trying to find a compromise between my general niceness and being effectively blunt.

I know it must be easier to think of me as a 100% evil person who hurt you in the worst way I possibly could and who never loved you in the first place. But none of those things are true. I wish that we could talk about it some more. I think it would be good for both of us. I know that I can't make you talk with me or hang out with me, but I wish that you would reconsider. I understand if you aren't ready to talk about the relationship with me now, and that it could take more time before we are ready for that. But even if we don't talk about that, I would still like it if we could be friendly toward each other, and even go grab dinner and talk about what's going on in our lives. I know you [did a business thing], and it seems to be going pretty well. I'd love to hear more about that. I see you've been [doing another thing] lately, which is awesome. I'd love to hear about that. I would just enjoy it if we could at least be friends. We know each other so well, I would hate to lose a friend like that.

This reads so dripped and drenched in rugsweep "gravy" that you should just basically not reply. At all. That shit up there sounds like all she did was get caught with her hand in the cookie jar and she thinks you ought to be cool with it given that, you know, she's all generous and everything by throwing in two more months in "time out".

We know each other so well, I would hate to lose a friend like that.

Sweetheart, all it takes to lose them is stabbing them in the fucking back. And apparently, toopol, you didn't really know her THAT well...until now! If she wants to know what's going on in your life let her get the tabloid version from your mutual friends. This one is NOT worth keeping in touch!

Cut to scene of her finding 'something important'.

Please block her from any kind of communication. Just in case HER definition of 'important' differs from yours (and you know it will!).

((((toopol))))

Her:

May I ask why?

Me:

I don't want to go any deeper into it. I've said enough, I think.

No response yet. I think that'll be the end of it.

Lol just kidding. Last word from her:

All right. Will you please let me know if you ever change your mind? No matter how long it's been. I will always wish the best for you and respect you and want to be your friend. I hope that someday you can reconsider your perspective toward me. Please know that if you ever need anything, I will always be there for you. Whether you are sick and need someone to bring you food or medicine, or your car breaks down at 3 AM and you need somebody to come pick you up 100 miles out of town, or you need someone to come get you out of jail, I will be available to help you, should you ever call upon me. I know you think now that you will never use me, but don't ever hesitate to call upon me if you change your mind. I love you. I am sure you probably don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. Please take care.

Gee, that was fast, even for her!

ugh... that is what can be called a vampire

rule one = they can only enter when given an invitation

please tell me you have shut that door but good

peace

Hi toopol

I'm late to this thread and I apologize if you've already answered this previously but I hope you can answer something for me. I have read in other peoples posts that they were willing to work towards an R if the wandering partner came clean and was remorseful. I see that your XGF had a lot of missteps but there seem to come a time when she reached that state. What made you decide that she was beyond redemption as far as your relationship was concerned?

My answer is likely filled with projection of my own experience, but I don't believe his XWGF was ever remorseful. She lied and misled him about facts. She went back and had sex with the loser bellhop. She did nothing to show she held herself accountable, acknowledge her brokenness, or work to fix it, let alone demonstrate an adequate level of empathy for what she put toopol through.

And now, she's asking toopol to be friends after he explicitly told her he did not want contact with her. She doesn't care about his healing. She wants to feel better about herself by being able to say "Well, I can't be THAT bad if he still wants to be friends with me." Read her communicates. That's not empathy or remorse. That's selfish fishing for ego-kibbles.

Toopol was given a "gift" by being able to see who she truly is now, rather than years down the road when it becomes more complicated and an even bigger loss/waste of time and energy in an abusive relationship. She would never stop lying to him no matter what type of relationship they have. That is a permanent dynamic, since she appears unable to acknowledge her brokenness.

ff4152, if you proposed that question to many betrayed spouses who chose not to reconcile, my guess is you'd get a lot of "Trickle Truth" and "the continued lying" as reasons that Reconciliation was never a possibility. A WS who continues to lie to the BS after their infidelity has been discovered, is putting the nails in the coffin of the marriage. If you are a WS, come clean, and do is ASAP. Before it's too late. It may already be. But 100% honesty and transparency is the ONLY hope for a chance at true R.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 5:57 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]