SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good job JM72. That wasn't easy. You know that you love her, and you know you will not tolerate abusive behavior from her, and you told her that.

And no matter how much you love her, you can't rebuild anything on kinda maybe but not sure and confused.

I basically told her, I'm doing good going to my meetings, working on myself. She knows it. She sees it. If I didn't care about her, I wouldn't be angry.

So I didn't say I wouldn't take her back, I basically said I'm not gonna accept the situation the way it is. And so she sits, thinking more and more that a divorce feels wrong, saying it might be the biggest mistake in her life, and knowing she's not happy and needs to work on things.

If she's not willing to accept responsibility and work on herself, the marriage is over. If she realizes she needs to fix herself, I'll be willing to wait for her.

I'm late to the party, but wanted to say - You're doing great.

This is truly the mindset we have to get to as BSs. There's nothing we can do, it's all up to the WS to realize the gravity of what they've done and make the requisite changes to make the marriage a safe place for the BS to (want to) be.

Really, at this point you just need to wait a bit and see what your WW's actions are. Is she going to realize what she's done and start making the changes, or just revert back to her bad behavior? Only time will tell.

You can move this along by giving her a list of things to start doing to convince you that she really does want back in the marriage. There are a lot of resources for this (Healing Library, etc.). Put that out there and see how she responds.

If she just does one or two things, but no much more, or if she starts, but then a month or so later gives you the "get over it" attitude...Well, then you know.

Good luck and hang in there. You're doing really well dealing with this shit sandwich.

ETA: You always reserve the right to just say fuck it and decide that her behavior was a deal breaker and file for D.

[This message edited by WornDown at 3:36 PM, April 4th (Monday)]

I might have missed it but what was her backup?

Update - nothing.

Being in limbo really sucks. I spoke with the divorce attorney at my meeting this past Tuesday. She told me a few things, gave me her card, and said call her if I have any questions. Right now, I don't. What she told me was kind of what I already knew, as far as assets, pensions, etc.

Like I said, last Saturday she said she's thinking a divorce might be the biggest mistake of her life. I said what I said to her, and we really haven't talked since. I keep my distance as much as possible. Is she looking into counseling? Looking for help? Who knows.

I'm in that "unknown" area where she tells me she's thinking this (what's going on) is a mistake, so I sit back and wait to see what happens next, because SHE needs to do the bulk of the heavy lifting here. I have no idea what her mindset is, or what she's thinking, and yeah, I would like to know. But at the same time, I'm waiting on her to make the moves. It's HER responsibility to fix this. I'll help, but only when/if I see she's willing to do what needs to be done.

And so, I sit in limbo day after day.

Kimichi, the other guy I guess.

I know it ain't me.....

I would be careful sitting in Limbo too long.

In some ways it doesn't matter if you divorce now or 2 months from now. My worry for you is that Limbo itself takes its toll.

Life is short. I know you love her. You want to see if there is a chance. I did the same thing.

But I would start preparing for a life without her. I would act is though the marriage was over.

Is she still seeing OM?

I have no idea bud, we don't talk much. Most of that is because I try to avoid her right now to be honest with you.

As far as the other part, it's funny. Ever since this happened and I started going back to meetings, I've noticed more women coming up to me, talking to me, etc. I steer clear of them, because believe it or not, I consider myself married, and it would be wrong to talk with other women.

Having morals sucks sometimes.....

I wish I could say that those with morals are always rewarded for it.

That has not been my experience, nor is it really what history teaches.

Having a meeting to go to where you can talk to other people would be great. I was so isolated - I am not going to say you are lucky to be an alcoholic.

But I would go to every meeting I could.

Did you get your 20th coin?

Having morals let's you look in the mirror. Having morals keeps you from turning to unhealthy coping skills. 20 years....Wow.

That being said, you are in the driver's seat, step on the gas. I'm usually pro R, but it'seems counter productive for you to be sitting still at this point. When you were moving forward with your life, she took pause and started looking at where her life was going. Now that you're waiting, she sees her soft landing. But it's not relevant.

Get out of infidelity. Who, what and where she is should no longer be your concern (yea, I know, easy for me to say). She has ended your M. You are merely finishing what she started. Work on yourself. Have you started any new hobbies? Are you on a new exercise regiment?

Stop looking in your rear view mirror. There's not a single thing back there that you can change. Work on the things you can. You've said, and continue to, all the right things about who you have control over.

Time to act.

Strength

Thanks guys, I'll keep in touch. Yes, got my 20 year piece.

Started hitting the weights again, but quickly found out, if I'm not eating all day, it doesn't work, heh.

I'm gonna start hitting the lakes again to get some fishing in if this weather ever breaks.

It sounds like the biggest mistake shes thinking about is losing her ability to eat cake.

You know if there's no remourse there's no saving this.

Unless you just rugsweep it and deal with it again.

Sorry man

There definitely won't be any rug sweeping. Either she does what she needs to do to fix this, to work on herself, and what needs to be done, or the marriage is over.

I'm not going through this again, or dealing with this anymore.

What's keeping YOU from being the one to file for divorce?

It looks to me like you're putting the decision to save your marriage or not in the hands of the woman who destroyed it.

File for divorce, date around while she works on herself. Once you are happy with the progress she's made, either stop the divorce proceedings or if they're already over, start dating her again and consider remarriage.

You need to file for divorce now!! She is treating you with 0% respect. She is treating you like a doormat and you are accepting it.

Look brother, if you don't value yourself as a human being then she sure as shit isn't going to. You have to stand up for yourself and draw a line in the sand. You need to demand respect. I she can't respect your boundaries, then you divorce her and find a woman that will respect you as a man.

Where do you get I don't value myself as a human being?

And she's treating me like a doormat and I'm accepting it?

You're not following along, are you....

Oh, Yes. I have been following from the very beginning. And you are very much dragging your feet. Divorce should have been filed weeks ago. That's why she views you as a doormat.

You have not really done anything to stand up to her and try to put a stop to her infidelity. Until you stand up and declare you are done with her cheating, you are going to live in limbo, and be her doormat.

It is up to you to stand up for yourself and your family and kick her to the curb and begin to live life free from lies and infidelity.

JM72, I think maybe the fear is that you are going to avoid her/the situation and just allow things to continue all the while saying she needs to do this and that...but, basically, nothing changes. How long will you allow that to go on for?

No one is criticizing you, just trying to prompt you into some ACTION. That's all. It's great that you are going to meetings and taking care of yourself. But how long are you going to let her stew about things? If you are OK with that...by all means, carry on. If you get frustrated, folks here are going to PUSH you to take action (and get control).

It is really your call and everyone here will remain supportive.

[This message edited by Hg65 at 9:00 AM, April 8th (Friday)]

I told her she should cut ties and divorce me, after all, I'm no good. I make her upset, I make her angey, I make her depressed. Told her, just move on with your life.

JM72

I really like this. I like to agree with a person and turn it back on them. They’re waiting for you to protest and when you agree they don’t know what to do.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 9:16 AM, April 8th (Friday)]

Wonder if it's just a case of she's realising how much she gets to loose in a divorce if you get mean about it.

Personally I would file and push her into some action.