SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you want control start the paperwork.

You've said it yourself. Living in limbo is hell. She'll either shit or get off the pot.

From your posts she's only throwing a few breadcrumbs your way.

We're on your side here. I don't think you realize that.

She's living in a one ended open marriage. That's not a good spot to be in on your end.

This is the problem. She's cheating and there are no consequences.

Other than you doing the 180 and taking off your wedding ring.

If you file the clock Starts ticking. It doesn't mean if she gets her act together you can't delay or stop it if you choose. Depending on whether you're satisfied with her course of directions.

You can't control her. Only which way you want to go.

Right now you're in limbo waiting on her to either file or work on the marriage. The longer the affair continues the further apart you get.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 5:52 PM, April 9th (Saturday)]

how much processing are you willing to do as you live in limbo and infidelity ??

It sounds lie you can't be decisive from where I stand.

You control yourself but your marriage is also 'yourself'. That's where you are missing things. You control yourself but not your house, not your kids, not your marriage and not your future. NOT until you make a stand

[This message edited by Western at 5:57 PM, April 9th (Saturday)]

I'm still processing what is going on and how I feel to be honest with you. I'm not sure of the outcome or what I want, so I'm just taking it one day at a time for now.

This is honest and real. I'm glad that you posted this because it is the the absolute truth.

Now. Many of us can tell you that you will feel much better once you have a plan of action in place. You aren't there yet. I totally get it. Most of us get it, and would change the order of the universe itself to make things better for you and ourselves. Know, though, that until you take the wheel, the main player in your life's destiny is your clueless, cheating wife, or rather her badboy affair partner. It ought to be you, but you aren there yet, and that's ok.

Your wife has lost her marbles. This is true. Now you need to nut up and get a plan, my friend. Please, articulate what exactly is it that you want?

I think you are doing well. I don't agree with the posters who are pushing you to further action "right now," you'll move when the time is right for you.

Maintaining and strengthening your sobriety is so valuable, not to mention an asset to your kids, particularly your son. You are doing an admirable job at that, from your account. I know that is neither a quick, nor a necessarily linear process. Adding the stress of "filing right now" may not be what is best for you.

But, maybe, just maybe you are avoiding conversation with her in order to avoid the dissolution of the marriage? IDK. But I think you should ask yourself the question. Otherwise, one day at a time is a very apt, and useful slogan for you right now.

Keep up the good work.

sobriety is one thing but my thinking is that you went back just to make sure you didn't go down that path again.

Dealing with the infidelity is everything.

I disagree with Scardeycat. The longer you wait, the more you lose. Either take control or don't. But limbo is hell. And you are in hell

I know alot of you mean well, but this is getting old.

"You are being timid and weak"

"You need to nut up and get a plan"

No more of the intelligence or manhood being questioned. Because I don't handle things the way others THINK it should be handled, they get all upset.

I'm doing the 180. The only thing I've been working on and making better is myself. I can't fix other people. I can't fix this marriage. By doing things MY way, working on myself, making myself better, not worrying about her or her problems, she's starting to realize she's not happy with the situation, she has doubts about what she is doing, and now she's starting to go to counseling to work on herself.

So my plan is 180, worry about myself, take care of myself, and things around me are getting better, and people are getting pissed off because I'm not doing things their way.

Even if I filed tomorrow, I'm still in limbo. This isn't an overnight fix. I'm taking care of the only thing I can take care of right now, me. Mike is taking care of Mike.

That may irk some, get some upset because I'm not handling things the way they suggest, so keep questioning my intelligence and my manhood.

Have at it. Do I sound weak and timid to anyone? Let me know.

[This message edited by JM72 at 8:22 PM, April 9th (Saturday)]

I have a son and husband in recovery. I've learned the hard way that nobody does things on my timetable. And I've learned that isn't always bad...

IMO you don't sound weak. You aren't groveling, aren't playing the pick me game, aren't catering to her. She isn't having her cake and you, too, you don't have a marriage, except in name. Please tell me you aren't doing laundry, cooking for her...just the kids.

Ahhh, the kids. The only problem with the waiting game. The only problem with limbo. They are in limbo, too. A conversation with them is clearly in order.

You will do what you need to when you need to. Sometimes you do need to give it to your higher power. Maybe that higher power WILL be the kids...

Thank you. The irony is, because of the pain I was in, it got me back into my meetings. I'm a better father because of it, so this was a blessing in disguise. I do cook for the kids, shuttle them around, engage with them more. I'm trying to shelter them as much as possible. My reward is knowing and feeling being a better person and a better father.

Good for you. You seem to have mastered the 180 as it is taught here. It is about you and your kids now. The timing of any divorce is far less important than the steps you are taking now. Agin, good for you.

On the criticism issue. Over the past several months, maybe a year, there have been a few hardcore posters (mostly male) who advocate for strong decisive action on certain time frames and they get aggressive if their advice is not followed. Not pretty to watch and I hope they do not drive you away.

I don't think that anybody is getting pissed off because you aren't doing things their way.

As I've said before, the people of this board don't make commission for being here and in actuality, many people when posting re-live their past experiences when considering issues like yours. And some will occasionally 'trigger' when posting but this board is about healing and many here are still in that process themselves.

True, while well intended, there can be some piling on here among other places.

The fact is JM72, a lot of people have the unfortunate experience here of being able to see what they feel is right and what they feel is wrong because of their going through it in the past. They know what worked and what didn't.

The fact of the matter is that most of us here woke up this Sunday morning thinking about our day trips, baseball, and other fun things. You are still living the hell that is affecting your lif as you wake up. However, noone here likes to see you going through what you are.

My attitude about this board and the people who post here is this; the most valued posters won't tell you what they think you want to hear. They tell you what they believe and don't mince words.

My concern for your situation is that I do feel you are in limbo. And you are in an unsecure limbo because you don't control all of the factors. This is not about weakness nor is it about forcing your hand and insisting on you getting a divorce. That is all your call. However being in a 180, which hopefully works, doesn't get you out of limbo. And the question to many here is if you are controlling all of the factors that you can control ?

Regarding Crisp's last comment, I strongly disagree. Decisive action is not a bad thing. For most of us, it worked. Not all of us were as decisive as we promote others to be, some of us were. And being 'decisive' to one person may not be 'decisive' to another. And I don't think anyone is getting 'aggressive" because their advice is not being followed. You may disagree but we aren't the ones in the current situation, you are and there are calls you are going to have to make for your own benefit and your kids benefit that aren't easy. Some people will post {hugs} a dozen times and 'you have been heard' a dozen times and while I feel that's necessary to an extent, this getting out of infidelity business is not all about a pat on the back and saying good job if someone believes that a good job is not being done.

I am hoping that this thread doesn't devolve into posters attacking other posters. That has occurred here over the past year and it's not healthy for this board IMO

In the end, JM72, I think you are making some progress and that's good. It's all your call in the end.

I have seen you on other threads and I am glad you are helping other people out here despite going through your own issues right now.

Western, I appreciate it. The thing is, I'm taught a way of living through AA that the only thing I have control over is myself. I can't control other people. Like I said, I can't control her or the marriage, so I'm working on myself.

Filing for divorce won't take me out of limbo because I'm still processing everything. I'm not sure if the marriage is going to work, or what I want because of what is going on. That's the limbo I am in, the uncertainty. Filing for divorce tomorrow won't solve that for me.

Crisp, thank you

^^^^THIS

Western clearly articulated many of our sentiments exactly.

I apologize for offending you with that phrase choice in my last post. It was meant as ordinary emphasis only, but derailed the entire intended message.

We are here taking the time to post to you because we feel your pain and wish to see you out of infidelity. Maybe we are missing something here, as it seems you feel that we are at cross purposes. I'll reiterate and expand on my last question:

What is it that you want? From your marriage and this board? We might be better able to help if this were clearly articulated to us.

[This message edited by antlered at 10:41 AM, April 10th (Sunday)]

See, that's the thing antlered, I don't know. That's the limbo I am referring to.

I went through stages - confusion, anger acceptance. Now that I have a clearer head, I don't know what I want. I'm still processing everything.

Because of that, I'm now at a point where I'm indifferent about alot of stuff, and that's not how I want to feel. Again, I don't know if this is a normal part of the grieving process. I love her, but feel numb towards her at the same time.

JM72, no ones road with infidelity is the same because we're all individuals with different processing. We all end up somewhere either in D, R or limbo. No one can tell you where you'll end up. Everyone is coming from a place of well meaning and want your marriage to survive, no one here is gunning for D's but we all know what's necessary in the process to get to saving the M.

The worse stories by folks here are the ones who improperly fell into R only to have found out their spouses cheated once again, yes we're smarter this time and can catch them easier but that doesn't ease the pain or get back the wasted years.

Your right, you can only control you. Making yourself a better father and man is something that will benefit you, putting your effort in yourself is the only thing we can count on.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 11:07 AM, April 10th (Sunday)]

JM,

I appreciate the response.

You said that she is in a period of reflection regarding what she wants etc...

Has she called a 'timeout' and stopped all of the activities while she does this ?

What is her ongoing reaction to your 180 ?

Western, I simply don't know. She smiles when she sees me, but knows that I'm angry, so she won't approach me. Maybe she's afraid because she knows she is wrong, or ashamed of what she did. I get the sense she would like to approach me, but I'm very standoffish.

I've gotten to the point where I feel " fuck it. I'm gonna do what's best for me and just take care of me. You're on your own", yet still love her.

I guess she is showing signs of making changes - admitting what she was doing was a mistake, knowing she has problems to work on, going to see a therapist to talk about her problems.

To be honest, she smiles at me, and I'm cold as ice in return. I'm not exactly approachable right now, so I can't answer how she feels, what she's going through, what she's thinking.

JM72, I think your situation is a little unique here, because of what you pursued with your wife for a while, and the mixed signals it sent her. So I am not sure the standard advice is a perfect fit.

but at least he activities and contact with this Rap Club guy is over ????

And she's still living at home it sounds like.

It also sounds as if she is chilling out and ready to make an overture of some kind to you ?