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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:10 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Why do you believe her story about the profile on the cheaters website, when three days later you know she was conversing with another other man?

What consequences does she have here? Other than you being upset, anything? You keep drawing a line in the sand, she crosses it, then you redraw the line.

What do you mean most of this was last year, so it's fine? Are you saying that because it was last year... which was three weeks ago, it's okay? Even if she created all this last year.... three weeks ago, she is still lying about it now. She knows you're not going anywhere. Until she thinks that you're ready to check out of this marriage, she's going to continue to yank you along.

If she really signed up for a new profile on the cheaters website, for the reason she is stating, then why not tell you? Why hide it? Why not discuss it with you first, and that way you can have attempted to find these other men together?

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:10 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:10 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

There are many betrayed spouses who divorced,not because of the cheating, but because of the continued lying after dday. So that's an option.

In order to attempt reconciliation, there can be no lies..zero..none.

The polygraph only proved it hadn't gotten "too far" YET.

Her phone is clean..but of course it is..she knows you can get deleted info...She's not going to go that route again. Look for a burner phone.

You have no reason to cop an attitude with me. I'm not then one lying to you. Yes, I'm asking tough questions. They are meant to get you out of infidelity. I'm not attacking you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:17 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

Not ideal, but not earth shattering either.

Keep her feet to the fire and she will shape up, you know she wants to, but old habits are hard to break quickly.

I think she is learning that your diligence will eventually expose just about anything, so it's not likely you'll find any revelations of new activity.

When my fWW knew I was slowly going back through the texts, she told me a couple of small details that she had omitted, it was nothing big, but she just preferred to tell me first before I found out on my own.

she has two extra secret email accounts. She says she forgot about them. Utter bullshit. These accounts were the ones used to sign up to the cheaters websites. The email accounts I was given access to were all "safe". I've been wasting my time monitoring them. However there had been no new activity on these new ones since last year.

You say that it bull but your actions say you're buy her excuse. The fact that there is no activity could be that she's moved on to another email account that she access from a burner phone or computer that she surfs on using private mode.

- she has a second cheaters profile which she created early December. She says she was trying to get more info on some of the ONS men to track them down and expose them. I believe her.

That sounds so far fetched. Could she have been planning to go on more adventures and your diligence combined with the spirit of the holidays caused her to back off?

- she started up a new line of chat with a guy on the 23rd December while "at the gym". She was asking him how he wanted to proceed. She says she has no idea why she sent those emails (11 in one gym session) and she didn't intend to ever meet him. I say bullshit. However lie detector tests prove it didn't go anywhere.

See, it really sounds like she was still at it. Is this guy at the gym one of the 8 ? That question about how to proceed, sounds like there was something already going on and she was asking on picking up where it left off.

A poly is a helpful tool that can get to the bottom of things for an average wayward but your wife's situation is far from typical. Can a woman capable of what she's done beat a poly? Especially if since she's done so much in such a short period of time that it's actually possible to really forget details. Thereby enabling her to pass the poly because she feels she's telling the truth.

Not trying to be hurtful, just want you to proceed with open eyes.

D&L, not making light of your situation, but damn. Does she suffer from early onset alzheimers or dementia? She has the shittiest memory I've ever heard of. I'm baffled. Sorry dude. No wonder she doesn't post here. They saw right through her.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 10:26 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

This is previous activity. Yes she's still lying about it. Shall I divorce her because she's still lying?

Actually that's a perfectly good reason to divorce a cheating spouse. I'd argue that a bulk of BS who file for divorce do so not because there's still cheating going on but because of the non-stop lying. You also seem to take a lot of her claims at face value considering you know she's still lying to you.

What consequences has she faced for continuing to lie??

[This message edited by JS84 at 10:36 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

So you see I haven't gone soft. I will continue to search for hidden gems like this. And when I find them we will discuss them

So you will continue to play prison warden. And when caught lying (she never seems to stop) you will discuss it with her.

And this to you is a "not soft" approach? Making her listen to you lecture her about her latest lie and then telling her the current status of your 1-10 scale of trust?

Think back to when you were a teenager. Would this approach have worked on you? I for one would rather "discuss" my breaking curfew or drinking Dad's scotch. That would have been way better than having the car taken away for a month and not getting to see my friends for a few weeks. Hell discussing it is way easier. You just have to say you are sorry and agree with whatever they say.

[This message edited by ramius at 11:30 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

My advice. Keep digging. The next time you find something do not share it with her. Let her know you have discovered more. That you want the marriage to work, but cannot go on any longer with more secrets. Tell her she has 1 day to put together everything she hasn't told you yet. Let her know that if she doesn't hit the things you already know its over.

She is hiding email accounts. Think about how silly and insignificant that is. Email accounts. If she is hiding that she'll certainly hide the shit that matters. Sorry bro. I think you've got farther to go to understand what you're dealing with.

She may be close. You just need to give her a little push towards letting it all out finally.

Gently - I follow a thread like yours and sign off so grateful I divorced my WH as I did. Keeping up with a cheater is too exhausting for me. I have a life to live and constantly looking for "gotcha" moments simply doesn't fit into that plan. I truly am sorry you are in this place but only you can get yourself out of it...if you want.

perhaps you need a new line that includes/covers lies and deception.

She might be moving out. It's being discussed today.

DaL, check your PMs brother.

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:11 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:11 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

I don't think the situation is hopeless but until/unless she understands that TT is more damaging than full disclosure, you are on a losing path. The resentment this causes you may well undo your commitment to the marriage anyway.

The guys on here are not trying to be harsh, they are trying to clear away the smoke screens she keeps creating.

The WS pretty much all go for TT first - I think partly because they never expected to be caught and are actually in nearly as much shock as you are - but there has to be a point where they stop trying to run and face the music.

One way forward might be simply to sit her down and say that the TT has to stop now. That she needs to tell you absolutely everything, no matter how big or small, because if you discover anything else it's over.

A scrap of paper in a drawer, ok that can happen, but two forgotten email addresses, come on!

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:11 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Good for you D&L.

It sounds as if you are taking a stand and moving out of infidelity - she can come with you, or not.

Stay strong.

This is previous activity. Yes she's still lying about it. Shall I divorce her because she's still lying?

I'm 2 and a half years out - and this is exactly why I'm divorcing my STBXH.

I'm 99% sure that there has been no further infidelities - but his boundaries are poor (amongst so many other problems) ..... and even when I absolutely know what has happened ( I covertly record him) - he will lie, lie and lie again to my face.

Don't be me, you stick to your guns D&L.

MOB