SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Trusting WW to deal with him correctly is vital.

Warning: 2x4 coming.

I'm sorry but this is silly and naïve.

Sure, ideally we should trust our spouses to deal with other people appropriately and adhere to proper marital boundaries. But none of us would be here if they had! Her track record shows she cannot currently be trusted. That doesn't mean she's going to run to her OM's again, but at this stage, it is simply way too early for you to trust her. Until she backs up her words through consistent behavior and action, the mantra should be "don't trust and verify."

I've gone through the same type of thing. We changed my wife's cell # and then found out that others still got it, which meant POS could get it again, and so we changed it again. And my wife didn't blink an eye at that. It was part of her way of supporting me.

Look, is it good that she immediately contacted you? Absolutely. But obviously something went off the rails with her or you wouldn't be here. And you don't make it difficult for an alcoholic to fall of the wagon by organizing a party in a bar. Do you leave your doors unlocked at night? Do you set an alarm? Do you protect your family? The same holds true here.

I am not putting your wife down. But this is part of helping her, so your R can be successful. So someone doesn't bring over a huge chocolate cake when you're trying to diet. So that there isn't another phone call with OM that maybe lasts a bit longer. Or even longer. She still has a great deal of work ahead of her. The wise thing to do is to take proper precautions to increase her chances of that work being successful.

Ok, I guess I will be the rain on this parade.

She got some call in the middle of the night from an unknown number.

She got another call the next morning. At that point she had to know whoever was on the line was suspect.

But she answered it.

She shouldn't have answered it.

She should have let it go to voicemail.

Or answer it in your presence,only.

The truth is, you don't know if she told him to fuck off and never contact her again.

She's been less than honest. And you've been certain *this time* she's telling the truth..only to discover she wasn't.

She told you she answered because she knew you could view the phone bill online.

She shouldn't have answered the phone.

I'm sorry.

.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:13 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

D&L - Got it. Thanks for clarifying.

Key is, constant vigilance. And I mean that. It's not fair, given what you have to deal with, and you ultimately don't want to have to live that way, but at this early stage it is absolutely necessary.

Glad to hear you are taking better care of yourself.

And sorry confused, I don't buy that either.

Missed call in the night wouldn't show up. She had no reason to tell me about that.

Phone bill would say unknown number : all she had to do is lie and tell me it was a wrong number.

Leaving it to go to voicemail is just avoiding the issue. And hoping that the call will come in while I happen to be nearby...

And you've been certain *this time* she's telling the truth..only to discover she wasn't.

Now that I totally deserve. But nothing goes on blind faith anymore. I won't spend my life jumping at shadows that aren't there, but my guard is far from down and I will continue to check everything I can. The last revelation was just a few days ago and only came about because I am still snooping.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 10:37 AM, January 23rd (Monday)]

Walloped : aye aye, captain. Shields at maximum. Guard won't be down anytime soon

Madoldbat : I slept not too badly last night. Perhaps I'm just having the bad nights when there's conflict, and if there's peace I might be ok in the spare room for a while yet

Not answering and allowing it to go to voicemail,isn't avoiding. It's putting you, and what you need, first. It's giving you the chance to tell her what you need her to do.

She had a choice...answer and break NC...Or not answer and discuss with you how to handle it.

If it had gone to voicemail, the two of you could have listened to the message together. If he didn't leave a voicemail, then the two of you could have discussed how to handle future calls.

Instead, she chose to break NC.

What are you going to do when she gets more of these calls?

I'm glad you're ok with the way she handled it. But, I think after a few more of these calls, you will see the value in what I'm suggesting.

I am glad you're eating again.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:57 AM, January 23rd (Monday)]

If she changes phone number, then you've got less ruffling because one calls. These guys knew she enjoyed doing whatever she was doing, so they may call again every so often. Plus if you find the stuff on a new number, you'll know she initiated it. This is in case their is a next time, and if you read here, then you know by now that it happens more often than not.

But I'm sure it won't happen to you, I can see from your posts that she is not the type to cheat again. Very special.

Prior to her affair, did she keep her phone lying around like now? Do you think she's lying the phone around so you can notice it, or is that normal when she's not cheating? Was there any point when you noticed guarding or hiding the phone and then thought something is wrong?

Going to agree with wk55hn. Changing the number has a lot more to do with removing a source of stress and an unpredictable reminder of the past more than a trust exercise. Assuming that all goes well in reconciliation nothing will bring you down faster than a poorly timed call.

It does not sound like your wayward works and does not have her phone as a critical contact point for business. Dump the old number and get a new one.

Remove the unwanted and unneeded hindereance to reconciliation. It is easy to do and incredible cheap.

1 guy has called. There's only 7 other guys.

When it rings the 9th time I'll know it's a repeat customer or fresh fish.

(I'm joking btw)

One guy has called...so far.

Others will call. Because she was an easy mark.

She needs to change her number. Then this won't be an issue in the future.

Hi DaL, Don't have too much more to add than has already been said, but I want you to consider another angle on the changing phone number/dumping social media aspects.

I have talked with other WSs/families in my time here on SI. One aspect to think about is it could be very liberating and part of FH's healing process. Remember how we say to watch your WS's actions? I have heard of WS's changing their numbers, dumping social media, or whatever else they used in their As. To a truly remorseful WS it can be a liberating experience. She may end up wanting to on her own.

Just another angle to think about. One of those things where IF you see the WS having actions like this, and they're doing it for themselves, you know they are working on becoming safer partner. More importantly safer for themselves. Also would help put some trust back in the bank since she's broke.

This is regardless if you R or D. Even if she reads this post and does this, there are so many things that a truly remorseful WS would do to get their shit together. So many things to watch for.

Even if she's blown it and you are now separated, what signs have you seen that she's starting to work on herself to become safer for herself. IC...tick, but what else?

yop

She may end up wanting to on her own

She offered to after she told me about the call. I said it wasnt neccessary.

So ask her what it would mean to her to get a new number.

D&L, normally I'd be in your camp and say it's about her not wanting to be in contact with OM rather than changing number.

In this case I think that given that the phone is a medium for these guys to get in touch, switching numbers might just be a practical way of severing that connection and helping you both move on.

Leaving it to go to voicemail is just avoiding the issue.

Why doesn't she just BLOCK these OM numbers? If you're so sure that she shouldn't be changing her number.

If she were serious about changing her number, she would just do it. Are you really that attached to her having that particular number? If not, then what's the big deal?

I'm so glad that you have been able to get some sleep and to start eating again. Your health is very important. Keep up the good work on this front!!

((((DazedandLost))))

The phone was the point which all contact went thru. The OMs, all of them have her info. Some will try for another bite at the apple. Easy enough to nip that in the bud.

Blocking numbers only goes one way.

Fresh start, new number, new phone, less ways for old OMs to contact.

Then if OM calls you know she gave out the new number to a former OM or a new one.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:53 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]

Why doesn't she just BLOCK these OM numbers?

Good question. She DID block the numbers. All of them.

This guy witheld his number so it wouldnt get blocked. It came up as "Unknown". That's why she answered it.

The phone was the point which all contact went thru

Apart from the 2 dating websites and at least 3 chat/video apps that dont need a specific phone number to work on.