SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Or....you can do like my wife and I did on election night. The AP started contacting her and we set him up. He's a police officer. We kept baiting him until we were sitting in front of his Internal Affairs office for the second time. He got 4 weeks off with no pay. I seriously believe he's scared of us now.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 3:07 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]

And yet another angle to think about from your WW's perspective...

With WHAT she was doing, acting out in a manner most likely because she was abused in said manner, when a victim of abuse starts to get their head around what they were doing and how unsafe of a situation they created for themselves, I would think that having her number out there would make her NOT feel safe.

How did she feel about OM calling her? Sounds like her initial reaction was one of panic because of what she thought your reaction would be. Rightfully so. But how did she feel for herself deep down? She may not be there yet, or even ready to deal yet, (hell I can't even work up to acknowledging what I went through in the SAS thread yet) but from the abused side of her and with what she has done, how did it make her feel to get a call like this? She may not be able to open up yet but I'm guessing NOT SAFE.

yop

A few compliments over email and these guys were getting BJs. Sounds like very little effort for a pay off. Remember that it's way easier to get an ex AP to jump back into the affair than it is to get a new AP. So these guys will lay low for a while and then try again.

That's why you MUST find ways to ensure your WW isn't being put in an unnecessarily tempting situation. She obviously got off on servicing strange men. Now she's ashamed, regretful and saying all of the right things but you never know what can set her off to want to go down that path.

It is way to soon to say you're out of the woods.

These guys knew she enjoyed doing whatever she was doing, so they may call again every so often. Plus if you find the stuff on a new number, you'll know she initiated it. This is in case their is a next time, and if you read here, then you know by now that it happens more often than not.

Ding! Ding! Winner.

My WW changed her number - asking me for a final time; I'd already told her I wanted a divorce. Begged for forgiveness.

A week after she changed her number (6 weeks after the D-day), a new number popped up that she was texting night and day. Another OM.

I nearly died of laughter when she said she didn't know who he was, or how he got her number.

(Turned out, she was on Plenty of Fish lining up dates. She got her papers a month later (had to scrape together the retainer, get papers together, she started a job)

Change the number for your own piece of mind.

This guy witheld his number so it wouldnt get blocked. It came up as "Unknown". That's why she answered it.

Why is your WW answering 'unknown' calls? If it's so fucking important to get in touch with her, they can let her know who is calling.

Depending on her phone and cellular carrier, it can be possible to block 'unknown' numbers on the phone. (For example, on an iphone you can put in a fake contact with an 'unknown' number. Google it.)

Taking these measures allows her to show you through proactive ACTIONS that she is backing up her words. If you want a true R, it would be wise to allow her to do that to help you to feel safe and to progress.

I also wonder why your WW has not been actively posting. The wayward vets can be extremely helpful. Your WW might 'feel' like she's got everything under control but I can guarantee you that she does not. She's got a very long way to go to become a safe partner to you. She should be working her ass off, and yet this precious resource is not being used.

To me, this says that even though she's talking the talk she's not walking the walk.

[This message edited by DeadMumWalking at 5:25 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]

How did she feel about OM calling her? Sounds like her initial reaction was one of panic because of what she thought your reaction would be. Rightfully so. But how did she feel for herself deep down?

That's a good question. She definitely felt panic because she knows she's being monitored.

We hope that she felt disgust at this slime ball and with herself. But there is a possibility that she felt tingled with excitement and tempted by the rush of it all.

Her prior actions were of an addict. You can have a former junkie go through rehab and reclaim his life but then lapse if put back in a tempting situation.

You need to insist that she change her number, email, and other way that these douches were able to contact her including any friends of the lifestyle. No matter how sweet she seems now, she's not ready to deal with temptation.

.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:12 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

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[This message edited by DazedandLost at 4:12 AM, March 21st (Tuesday)]

Considering where you were less than a month ago, 4 out of 10 is not bad...keep going in that direction

Again, new phone wouldn't stop her doing that.

Totally agreed. No one's disputing that. There were many other points on why it would be good for both of you though for it to change.

Dropping the phone thing now and moving on...

IMO I'm not so concerned about her posting here. It really isn't for everyone. Though I am a firm believer in that this place helps. To have many that have been there done that and be able to help is a good thing. That said posting on SI is not a prerequisite for healing and making one's self a better more authentic person. As long as she's working on herself and trying be a safer person for herself is good. Telling other's IRL is a good step. Hopefully that will help keep herself in check.

Ofc I don't trust her. Told her last night on a scale of 1 to 10 trust we are about a 4. I will continue to monitor and snoop. She will continue being 100% transparent. She will continue to comply with my every request and answer every question immediately like she is already doing. She is offering suggestions like changing numbers and installing location tracking software. We are at MC and she is at IC. I'm not gojust no to spend my days attacking her when she is doing all this.

Even my most optimistic self (which I'm a skeptic at heart) would give her a 1 in the trust department at this point. Too much TT. These are great suggestions to win a bit of tiny trust back, but really it's the actions. This is all just words right now.

Finally : I've decided to go to the doctors myself. I think I'm suffering from depression or PTSD. I had a really good day yesterday, best of the week, yet I drove home in floods of tears and have no idea why. (Actually I do, it's because I saw 2 horses in a field. Nuts, right?).

Speaking from experience this is one of the best steps you can do for yourself. Honestly. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD myself. Infidelity causes a lot of trauma. More than you probably realise or would have guessed.

How are you feeling about the in-house separation?

How are the kids doing? After all that is my story and why I'm here on SI.

yop

Please remember that by letting her know about SI and posting your very private thoughts and feelings, you gave her a huge advantage over yourself. She knows where you are emotionally every day and it allows her to manipulate you. Sorry, but she proved a very untrustworthy person, especially with cheating post DDay. It seems to me that it is a form of 'pick me dance'. Now is not the time to be open and vulnerable with her. Perhaps, you hope that she would read and will do what you need.

Very gently, you appear very needy right now. It is ok to feel like this but in order to gain control over your life, eventually, you should stop being an open book for her. please read about co-dependency, focus on your phisical and emotional health, do mild 180 on her for your own sake.

There was a period where everything she posted was being taken and used against her in my thread and vice versa.

Ugh. I really can't stand when people do that, although it isn't as bad at SI as other sites I've been to. I've seen people inform the BS that a WS is on another site, where to find it, and what they're saying also. No idea why people feel the need to do it.

Dazed - I think it's great that you are seeking treatment for your PTSD and depression. This can be a lifesaver.

Keep hanging in there and working on YOUR healing. Your WW will heal herself and become a safe partner or not. She's in charge of that, not you. Looks like you know that.

Dazed Please do see your Dr. Please do get some attention for your trauma.

You punishing yourself with not eating, and your allusion to self harm, concern me.

You have some very strong CoD tendencies, and you need to work through those. She should not be making you feel complete, you should not be in your M because your partner completes or fulfills you. You should be in your M because you want to be. There is a huge difference. Learning how to be happy w/ ones self is when CoD take time, and energy, and honestly it can be pretty scary. But considering what you went through already it will be a walk in the park.

One last thought. You rate your trust at a 4, that is pretty dang ambitious. I had a really good remorseful spouse that TT me, and false R'd me, initally, and I gotta say once we really headed down the real R path, my trust was at 1 for a year or more. That was ok. He knew he caused that, worked every day to show me he was better. As your wife should be doing as well.

(((And strength)))

ok so now what ???

ok so now what ???

Erm, well there wasn't any drama yesterday. So that was nice. Always good to have be day without revelations / dramas / upsets

Her first IC is tonight.

We had MC yesterday. Spoke to him about my uncontrollable crying outbursts even when I thought everything was going ok and he hit it right on the nail. He says it isn't PTSD or depression. He says its grief. I'm grieving for the old dead marriage.

Soon as he said that it was like something clicked. That's exactly what it is. He says ofc I can go get help but it's still something I just need to work through to get to acceptance.

Might take a while though. I was kind of attached to the old marriage.

[This message edited by DazedandLost at 3:43 AM, January 25th (Wednesday)]

your ww got addicted to the rush and high of the forbidden and the new. these guys calling her make her feel nervous now and scared ... now. but the day one calls when shes down or whatever that bit of attention they can give will look tempting to her.

later, when shes done that hard work to fix herself shes going to have to be able to handle those situations and keep proper boundaries while doing so.

but now? hell to the no. shes proven her boundaries are crap. shes proven shes susceptible. shes proven she can and will do it by her actions. putting her in this situation NOW is sorta like putting a cig in the hands of someone whos trying to quit smoking. shes got a lot of work to do and learning before she should be trusted in those situations.

people often do relapse into affairs. read the wayward side. happens all the time. get caught. stop. a little while passes. start again.

why put yourself and your marriage into harms way by allowing her to be reachable by the ap? yeah, you cant stop him from coming to the house but you can stop him from calling. so you do what you can ... kwim?

Wow!

I'm really glad to see you both working at this, it gives me hope.

you seem to have locked yourself into a non-trusting reconciliation that could be based on a complete lie.

Specifically, what is your gameplan and have you worked on yourself and your potential codependency issues yet ?

This fight is about two things. First to determine what you are going to do in marriage and it seems like you are sticking it out. The second is to make sure you are strong enough to endure another nuclear strike from her and be strong enough to push back or terminate things.

I have seen you make many decisions that go contrary to what many have done to successfully combat infidelity.

That's why I ask you what your plan is although by introducing her to SI, you may not be able to say here. However, personally, I think you are lacking a good plan

Something I found helpful was remembering HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. When any of those is in play, dealing with infidelity is way harder. Find something that gives you satisfaction, like a hobby, exercising, walking the dog, going to the movies, and do it. If you focus on yourself (in a good way--no self harm!), rather than on your WW, life will get a little easier to deal with. It takes time. It also takes time for a Wayward to change their old, crappy coping behaviors to healthier ones. It sounds like your WW is doing some things right, which is encouraging.