SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SAF, I feel like things are becoming clearer for you. Does it make sense to you that she might not be thinking clearly because she has not had to confront any consequences for what she has done? What do you think she would do if her stool all of a sudden starting falling over? Most people in that position would scramble to stabilize themselves. There's no guarantee but, the odds are if she had to make a quick choice she would know which way she needed to lean. You just have to be willing to let the chips fall where they may.

Sometimes, it takes a real jolt to wake them up.

SAF, she didn't remove you as a leg on her stool. She had an affair, keeping both you and the OM on her string. Removing you as a leg on the stool would have been her moving out and filing for divorce.

She has had zero consequences for her actions. And she has done very little to show you she is invested in the marriage.

Book recommendarion of you: Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Good read, and it might make things a little more clear of you as to why so many of us believe being tough with her is a better course of action right now. It is seldom that thy can be "niced" back to the marriage.

And yes, very, very few affairs lead to lasting relationships. Statistically, I believe it is something much less than 10%. Three percent sounds familiar to me.

I think it is time for some tough action on your part. Nothing else seems to have worked.

Cat

SAF, are you sure she has only known this man for two months?

SAF, are you sure she has only known this man for two months?

She has known him for about three years, ever since he started working there. The affair started in very early November.

Okay, that makes more sense - if we can call it that. It had me confused why she is willing to risk so much for someone she had only known for two measly months.

My best to you, stay strong.

Lobo- my XWH risked everything for someone he only knew a month. He thought the other woman was a better deal because she is in Med School and he wanted to brag about dating a soon to be doctor who went to an Ivy League University. I was stability and a constant in his life... OW was not so he risked losing me to keep her. It happens.

If I were you, I would consider telling OM he gets zero rights until you say he does. If he is ambivalent about the responsibility like you suggest, he might not have the drive or sense to pursue this legally.

Then find out from your lawyer how much time you have to change your mind in terms of paternity. You have quite a bit of power in this scenario that you can utilize.

He isn't ambivalent at all. In fact, he's excited. The question is whether or not he is the better choice to provide a stable home. This is a point on which my WW waffles.

It looks like I have two years after the child is born. After that I could be on the hook for life if they pursue it. Will confirm with the attorney.

Here's another man who went through the Other Child scenario on SI:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/profiles.asp?UserID=28881&Show=1

Some of his experiences may prove helpful.

Good luck.

Also, are you sure the PA is done? "True love" is hard to resist.

Keep going, sounds like you are getting a great idea of what you need to do.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167&HL=28881

another good read for you

I would do a background check on this guy. There may be something in his past which you should know for your kids's sake and maybe something that would allow you to block being near minors. Ya never know what you may find?

I would do a background check on this guy. There may be something in his past which you should know for your kids's sake and maybe something that would allow you to block being near minors. Ya never know what you may find?

His background is clean. Unfortunately.

The question is whether or not he is the better choice to provide a stable home. This is a point on which my WW waffles.

I must say that is horrifying in how little regard it shows for your pain.

The question is whether or not he is the better choice to provide a stable home. This is a point on which my WW waffles.

I must say that is horrifying in how little regard it shows for your pain.

I agree but I'm glad it's a part of her thinking. I'm very concerned about our boys having a stable home. However, this is not the only point about which she is confused, merely one of the main ones.

Take this or leave it, but this may come across kinda harsh.

1. You know now that the man has NO/Zero Legal standing in this situation.

2. You have not confirmed Paternity by him, or you.

3. Your wife is still eating a big old double layer cake with buttercream frosting, and smiling the whole damn time.

The ball is in your court right now, and all you want to do is hand it back to your wife.

You need to man up and hold onto that ball, and play keep away from her.

In other words you need to go forward with the assumption that baby is yours, and this OM needs to be completely out of the picture until proven otherwise. You need to lay down your requirements for this.

Tell her that you are giving her a gift that she has no clue as to how big/significant it is, and if she chooses otherwise, she wasn't worth the gift in the first place.

You are willing to raise this child as your own, regardless of the DNA, and if you are willing to do this, she needs to end any and all contact with this man immediately. In addition she needs to be completely and totally transparent, and focus on why she needed to search out a relationship outside her marriage.

NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE here has saved their marriage by pussy footing around, and attempting to nice their spouse back. You have a very complex situation that can be made pretty black and white. It's time to take control, and be the sane strong one.

She is not a good mom to her kids she has now, or to the new baby on the way, a good mom doesn't risk a good home life, with a steady father figure for some douche that likes to screw married women. This is not love, this is nothing but a fantasy that is going to kick her ass sooner or later, so why don't you make it sooner, and do as much as you can to save your family?

Take it or leave it, but I think you are going to end up hurt over and over again, or at best with a rocky M with some other guy pulling your wifes attentions, until yet another man comes along, and makes her feel special and good.

I'm very concerned about our boys having a stable home.

You have said this probably a dozen times now.

What you don't want to believe is that your current marriage is NOT a stable home. It will NEVER be a stable home unless your wife decides that she is going to reinvest in the marriage, 100%. Do you believe that just because she decides to stay that your family unit is now "stable?" Do you believe that your children will view their parents union as a warm, loving, supportive arrangement? Are you kidding me?

The only thing that demonstrates stability is a father who stands up for himself and doesn't allow his cake-eating wife to treat him as a doormat. Yet, despite the suggestions you've read here, and despite it being perfectly clear that this is what she is doing to you, you continue to allow her to wipe her feet on your shirt.

You know from my prior posts that I don't mince words much so I won't do that now, either. Quite frankly, in all the time I've read here, I've never seen a BS do more to try to nice their spouse back into a marriage. You have read it over and over again - it does NOT work. She just sees you as pathetic and weak.... and sees your inability to lay down the law as rationale to continue an affair.

[I know, the PA is over. Really? Have you ever known two consenting adults who are in love, have already had sex, to suddenly stop physical affection for a prolonged period of time? Are you with your WW 24/7? What do you think she's doing when you're not around?]

C'mon, man. Your kids will have a stable home - yours. A home where you show them that a man doesn't allow his WW to simply emasculate him to the point of looking ridiculous. We all sympathize with you. It's incredible that you are willing to raise this OC. Just amazing. But, at the end of the day, your kids will be in no more stable of an environment if your wife isn't back in the marriage.

Make some decisions that are good for YOU. Make decisions for your kids - they will be fine living without their Mom. And if she runs off with the guy - they'll still be fine (and, let's face it, the odds of THAT working out just aren't very good) and you'll have shown them what it means to be a solid parent.

Truly, I wish you well.

What does your MC say about this entire situation. Forget the pregnancy for a minute--what about her waffling behavior and lack of remorse and commitment to the marriage. If your MC is worth their salt, this would be one of the things they would focus on.

Does your MC have good experience in dealing with infidelity?

At this point, I'm wondering if IC for you may be more effective because it sounds like MC is not helping your WW deal with her behaviors, and it certainly isn't giving you any good tools to work with what is happening here.

While the pregnancy adds a significant dose of issues to deal with, the bottom line is that you are dealing with a WS with no remorse and no commitment to the marriage. While you cannot control her behavior, you can certainly control what steps you take to deal with this. Obviously, trying to "nice" her back into the marriage is not effective.

As I have said, and as others have said before, it is time to get tough. Why should she enjoy all the benefits of marriage if she is unwilling to commit to it? Personally, I would recommend putting a keylogger on her computer and a GPS on her automobile and perhaps even a VAR in her car. Find out to what level her deception is going and make a determination from there. Frankly, as long as you are allowing her to cake-eat, she will.

As I have mentioned before, many of us BSs wish we had taken a harder stance and drawn a very clear line in the sand. We recommend the same for you.

Cat

Does your MC have good experience in dealing with infidelity?

He does, including in cases involving OC. He frequently gives my WW the opportunity to slam the door but she never takes the bait.

Much more in a moment.

The following has been adapted from a long email I just sent to a close friend. It might reference things I haven't brought up yet in this forum, I don't know. Regardless, it's representative of where my head is at right now.

Since the first time she told me she wasn’t ready to make a decision I’ve told her that I didn’t want to pressure her into a premature decision. Some of my reasoning was practical. If she’s not ready then it might be a bad decision. Some of my reasoning was what I saw as self-preservational. She had just told me she was almost definitely leaving and I knew that asking for a decision right then wasn’t going to be good news for the marriage. Had I asked for a decision back then she’d be out the door. She never would have seen my transformation, the very transformation that has her currently waffling. Now, though, I think a sense of urgency is what we all need.

Here is my plan. I’m not going to divulge that I went to a lawyer but I will speak authoritatively on the law. Remember the Sophie’s choice she thinks she is facing? (Giving up partial custody of either our boys or of the new child). Guess what, she isn’t really facing it. I’m going to ask her: do you want to live with and have full custody of ALL of your kids? She’ll probably think that I’m about to offer her full custody of our kids but of course that’s not where I am headed. If she says yes then I will tell her that the ONLY way that can happen is if she stays with me and makes an honest attempt to reconcile. The OM will have no legal rights concerning the child if the child is born while WW and I are married. The social worker will not permit his name to appear on the birth certificate if we are still married. Once WW answers “yes” to the “are you married?” question then my name gets filled in automatically. OM can challenge paternity but no court will compel a DNA test. WW can cooperate with a paternity request but she doesn’t have to do so. I have to check with my attorney again but I believe the best a court can do for him is to order visitation and child support. I don’t think any court would order custody sharing. As I’ve previously mentioned, I don’t want to be the guy who prevents him from having a relationship with his child. But he needs to know that the law will only get him so far. WW needs to know that, too. She obviously wants him to have a strong relationship with the child but I don’t think she realizes that she/we truly hold ALL of the cards. If the OM is being immature, if he’s hanging out with his “psycho ex-girlfriend” (like he did this weekend) and WW is worried about that then she shouldn’t want him to have many legal rights. I will also suggest another meeting with the OM to discuss what is best for the child. Maybe what is best for the child is to be raised in an intact family unit. Maybe that is also best for our current children. As utopian as our envisioned idealistic future might be I don’t really know how that will impact the kids. At some point they would have to deal with incredibly heavy family questions. Maybe they’d be fine but that’s a far from certain outcome. Maybe the best, most loving, most responsible, most fatherly thing for the OM to do is to allow his kid to grow up in an intact family unit. He can be the godfather or the ‘uncle’ or something. Bottom line, he can have a relationship with the kid but perhaps the best thing for the child is to have that relationship be something other than father-child. If he is truly serious about wanting the best for his kid then he should at least consider this. I can suggest that we meet with a specialist as well who can give us greater perspective and an informed evaluation.

She will think I’m giving her an ultimatum. What I’m really giving her is a choice. I will offer her and our children financial and emotional stability. I will offer my commitment to work with her. I will offer her the chance to have an intact family. I will offer her and the kids the full-time support of a “grade A” (her words) parent. She can choose to try to rebuild our relationship and in the process retain full legal and physical custody of all of her children. Her other option is to choose to give up 50% of her custody of our boys in order to run to the OM. Is simply the chance of a good relationship with the OM worth 50% of our boys’ lives? That will be my question. She has been in a fog for the last seven weeks (I know, so have I). I need to clear that fog so she can clearly see her choices.

Do you remember the chain rule from 10th grade math? If A then B and if B then C, therefore if A then C. Yesterday WW told me she wasn’t waiting for anything to happen in order to help her decide. So I’m waiting for WW and WW is waiting for nothing. That means I’m waiting for nothing. I don’t want to wait for nothing.

This is going to be one of most difficult things I’ve ever done. If she still can’t decide or, obviously, if she chooses him then I have to file. I don’t even know where I’m going to find the strength to have the conversation, let alone to pull the trigger. This will blow up at their work if I pull the trigger. I don’t mean this in a vindictive way but I’ll have to make sure that it does. Unfortunately, I’ll have to drag my family and her family into it. They have a right to know what’s going on with us and with the children. I don’t want to make her life unnecessarily difficult but I think this is necessary. Remember that I offered to be the guy on the front lines with friends and family if she decides to attempt reconciliation. I offered to be the one to tell her parents, in person if need be. This offer wasn’t made to protect her. . .it was made to protect US and the kids and, most of all, her family. I’ll have to involve our friends. Does she think I don’t have the right to tell my friends what’s going on in my life?

Filing for divorce doesn’t mean we get divorced. It merely starts the legal process. As has been mentioned, it might shock her into action. If she does a 180 then it’s possible the marriage can still be saved. If she doesn’t come back then I have to accept that she was already gone.

She never would have seen my transformation, the very transformation that has her currently waffling.

This sentence really bothers me. You & Your transformation have nothing, nothing to do with why she cheated or why she will choose to stay. SHE needs to figure out why she decided cheating was the appropriate action to the shortcomings in herself.

See the theme there? The quicker you realize this has/had nothing to do with you, the quicker she might also be able to begin to work on herself.